I met my new therapist today.

I met my new therapist today. I'm really optimistic that I can feel better.

Some things that are troubling me:

Some things that are troubling me:

About 2 weeks ago, my Reddit account logged out.  I have not been able to log back in.  I submitted a ticket for help, but I still haven't received any help.  Also, now if I look up my account, it shows that it's banned.  For what, I have NO idea.

This has been very dysregulating.  I read myself to sleep every night on Reddit, so I was used to my feed being a certain way.  It was comforting.  I had saved a lot of posts with useful information.  I had a 700-something day streak.  I loved it.

I basically had to start over and try to re-create my feed.  It's still not like it was.  It still feels very "off" - like it's a bizarro universe and it makes me really sad.  I am still hopeful that I will get some help with my original account, but the hope is fading.  I don't know what to do.

I also haven't been spending too much time in the greenhouse, but the last two times I went out there, many of my plants had been chewed or completely eaten.  I don't know who is doing it, but Shaun put the camera back out there to see if we could catch whoever it is.  We don't know if it's birds or rodents or what, so we don't know how to stop it.  We do close the doors at night, but leave the top windows open for ventilation.  We might have to put up some screens, I guess.  I don't know.  But it's got me really sad.  Whole plants are missing.  Like they've either been devoured on the spot or uprooted and taken. 😭😭😭

Last thing (for now):  I'm too soft and Adrian ended up back in my room. Shaun's going to move her out and acclimate her to the living room/other cats while I'm away. I hope it's successful. I need a space to myself. If it doesn't work while I'm gone, then it can't be done. Shaun is great with cats and less of a pushover than I am right now.

I overextended myself yesterday.

I overextended myself yesterday.  I ended up exhausted and went to bed so early, then woke up in the middle of the night (peri peeps, y'all know the 3/4 am wakeup call.  It's a hormonal thing that turns us into werecougars.)  I usually just read myself back to sleep, but I was literally having dark thoughts and spiraling.

I feel only slightly better today.  I talked to Shaun and told him I need him out of the house sometimes.  I just need literal solitude.  My background processes don't stop listening for him or thinking about him when he's here.  I don't quite know the logistics of how he's different than the animals or the child I raised, but he is.  Shadow and the pets can be background.  Kira sleeps most of the day and tends to stay upstairs, but can definitely be a demand sometimes.  She's a gray area because I still view her as a kid even though I didn't fully raise her.  But Shaun is like a best friend that never leaves my house.  Just isolating in my bedroom is not helping me recover.  Don't get me wrong; sometimes I definitely need that, but it alone is not enough.

Thankfully, he has been looking for work outside of our home, and he's had a few good leads.  Maybe something will come through soon.  Also, he didn't take offense when I told him that I never get to miss him.  He understands.

We also had a talk about showing affection.  I have never been a hugger.  I'm actually not big on being touched.  Growing up, I didn't receive affection that way and most of the touch I received was violent in nature.  So I generally don't enjoy having hands coming towards me at all.  But when we started dating, I hugged Shaun.  I wanted to touch him and that was what people did, so I did it, too.  And I did enjoy it.  It's easy when things are new.

But now that's not the case and it's no one's fault.  His shirt is always covered in cat hair because that is our life right now, so when I hug him my face goes right into that.  It's a sensory nightmare.  I also don't like my face being smushed, but due to our height difference, my face goes right under/between his pecs.  Sometimes if I actually want to hug him, I just go under his shirt and that's better.  His chest hair doesn't stick to my face like cat hair.  So for years, I've just been doing this thing that I don't get anything out of because he seemed to need it and I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.  Not like that, anyway.

If he's sitting and I'm standing, I greatly prefer those hugs.  His face is on my chest, and my face isn't getting smushed or haired.  I can enjoy those.  We haven't figured out how he can physically show me affection in a way that I will like yet; I don't like to be massaged or petted or anything like that.  I like it when we touch legs while hanging out.  That feels like not an attack.  Head bonks are cool.  I also like sitting next to each other, like a cuddle - like what cats and dogs do with us.  I don't know, but I don't feel like that's as big a deal right now as me letting go of the daily "demand" (of course he doesn't actually demand them; it's just a thing that I felt like I was supposed to do) of hugs that I don't like.

I feel like the worst partner.  I don't know why he likes me.  Even when I was (unknowingly) fully masking at the beginning of our relationship, I know I wasn't an easy person.  My mental health has only gotten worse/more complicated over the years, and he's still here, still putting in the work, still not taking any offense to anything I need to say - no matter how insensitive it may seem.  I feel very lucky, but also very confused.  Like, I don't get why anyone would choose the mess that I am, but whatever floats his goat, I guess.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days. (More on that later.)

It was fun and hotel sleeping without a cat on my head was glorious (yes, moving Adrian downstairs FAILED).

But we got home yesterday and I immediately had to go to bed because I'd had zero alone time for 3 days.

Later this week I'm driving 13 hours through the desert and I am looking forward to those 13 hours like you wouldn't believe. Nobody can see me. Nobody can ask me for anything. Nobody can even talk to me if I don't want it.

Sometimes I worry that living with my husband was the wrong move. We do have separate spaces to retreat to, but either I'm so deep in burnout that being perceived is a stressor, or we just should've kept separate houses like we did for the first 10 years. I'm giving it until the dogs die (hopefully no time soon) before making any decisions or changes to our living situation, but...

Damn, it's hard.

Shaun is so great and I love him all the way. He is not doing anything wrong. It's just me. I'm built different and I feel like a terrible person and terrible partner because of it.

I'm still not feeling super social, but...

I'm still not feeling super social, but I'm starting to feel agitation from unread/unreplied-to notifications.  So if I respond to something you messaged or commented to me weeks ago, I apologize, but it is what it is.

On another note:

I love you.  Hang in there.  💙

Edited to add:  I got the comments knocked out.  Don't have the energy for whole messages yet.  But maybe this is a sign of return to personhood.  We will see.

Me...

Me, as young as I can remember, communicating with, understanding, and befriending animals.  They always say what they mean.

Me, in kindergarten, writing to the middle of the page with my left hand, and then switching to my right to finish out the page because I wanted things to be fair.

Me, in grade school, wondering if I would ever have friends whose parents weren't friends with my parents first.

Me, at 15 on my first trip to Six Flags, wondering why I hated having fun.

Me, in my teens, watching people succumb to peer pressure while remaining impervious to it.

Me, in my early 20s, deciding that I was done participating in the cycle of removing my body hair.  If men didn't have to, then I didn't, either.

Me, in my early 20s, figuring out that shaving my head made it easier to medicate/control my psoriasis, and that having skin flakes in long hair was a sensory nightmare I no longer had to endure.

Me, in my early 20s, finally out on my own, starting to struggle with schedules and routines and wondering how everyone else did it.

Me, in my late 20s, watching my 6th grade child set an alarm, shower, and catch the bus by himself because I wasn't a reliable, on-time, ride to school.

Me, in my 30s, looking back at the cycle of go hard/burn out, feeling like a broken person because "Why am I like this?"

Me, in my 30s, feeling the weight of everything crash down.  Full-blown depression, nothing in life accomplished, and barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis.  Heavily dependent on antidepressants, and Shaun body-doubling my life to drag me out of that hell.

Me, in my 40s, burned out.  Exhausted.  Confused.  Autistic.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm. Just had a breakfast of 1/2 of an Impossible Whopper and a few sips of Dr. Pepper - definitely not my morning routine. Definitely not the kind of meals I usually eat.

I'm in a funk.

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood...

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood, but I'm getting there - baby-step by baby-step.

I have been trying to prioritize self-care and doing things I love.  I did some basic nail care the other day, as well as watered my plants (a little later than I wanted to, but they're ok).  I have still been resting a lot.  Still not making plans.  Just existing and trying to find my way back.

This afternoon while I was doing my "morning" routine, Shaun asked me for help with something.  It was simple and he could handle it and my routine is important, so I told him I wanted to have my (freshly made) tea right then.  I wasn't opposed to helping him later if he still needed it (he didn't)(also, it wasn't an urgent task), but there was nothing wrong with protecting my routine since it helps me start my day.  I always knew I hated to be disturbed when I'm DOING A THING, like my routine, but I never realized how actually dysregulating it was.

I didn't grow up being able to say "No", and I've carried that with me my whole life.  It made me into a people-pleaser (even though I know that wasn't the intent).  Anytime anyone asks me for something, whether it's my time or money or work or sympathy or attention or anything, I usually just drop what I'm doing and say "Yes."  It never mattered if I wanted to; other people's wants came first.  It didn't matter if it caused me distress; saying "No" often caused more.  So now I'm working HARD to undo that.

Shaun and Kira were talking earlier while I was trying to work on something, and after a bit it started to bother me.  I said "I'm starting to feel overstimulated.  I need some quiet."  Kira said ok and went upstairs.  I told Shaun to kiss me goodnight and go away.  And he did and I was happy about it.

I am thankful that the 3 people I spend the most time around are not offended by this.  I am thankful that they understand my preferred style of communication, and respect my communicated needs.  I think they are exactly who I need to keep practicing with until I'm confident enough to be more myself, more often.  The real challenge is going to be not fawning outside of this house.

This is how I'm doing.  This is me, unmasking.  This is me, not putting myself last.

It feels weird, but I'm not going to stop.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.  But I'm gonna have a ramble because it helps me.  I know I have messages and comments waiting for my response, and I will get to them when I have more energy.  I'm still functioning in battery saver mode.

I watered all of my greenhouse plants today.  Adding an extra watering tray and bucket made it possible to get that done in one afternoon, so that's nice.  I know that sounds like an energetic activity, but it was supposed to be done on Sunday (rather than today, Tuesday); today was just 1) the first time I was out of bed early enough in the day to do it, and 2) the first time I felt like I could move my body that much.  My succulents are a special interest of mine, so it gives me some dopamine to go out there and just exist with them.  Also, the weather was really great.

I have a bunch of plants on my potting desk that need to be taken care of.  I thought about tackling those today, too, but... I've realized that I spend my energy like a poor person spends money.  (I both grew up and raised a child below the poverty line, so I literally know what it's like.)  That is, to say:  I use it (energy/money) when I have it.  But much like money, if I always spend what I have, how do I ever build up a reserve?  Speaking physically, how do I store up enough energy to climb out of this damn hole?

While I'm over here trying to navigate the Autistic burnout I've found myself in, I've learned that I struggle with poor interoception.  If I can't even tell when I have to use the bathroom before it's a peemergency, how am I supposed to know what my energy level is?  Because I definitely do not.  And I will tell you now that looking back over my adult life, I have consistently worked in cycles of go hard/burn out.  It doesn't matter if it's cleaning the house or a project or a hobby or what... I will find a way to not approach the task with balance.

What's messed up is that it's not intentional.  Yes, the feeling of getting something done after a "go hard" feels great.  People are like "Wow, you did so much!"  And I did!  And it's done!  But the crash after sucks, and it's getting harder to recover from as I age.  Slow and steady is NOT fun for me.  It is NOT rewarding.  It is boring.  I like getting one thing done and then moving onto the next.  But society doesn't function that way, and in order to fit into society in some capacity (like hold a job so I can support myself), I have to do things in ways that do not feel natural to me.

If it was acceptable to create an app in 6 weeks and then ONLY rest for the next 6 weeks, I'd probably be ok.  But society expects constant output.  I do have a family and pets and friends.  I have a house and yard and job (and up until last week, school, as well).  All of those things come with demands on my time and energy, so there is no pure rest for 6 weeks.  Therefore, I can't let my battery get this low again.

Maybe it will be healthier in the long run to budget my energy; I really don't know.  But what I do know is that I don't know how to tell how much energy I do have; really, I can only tell when I'm definitely out, so this is tricky as shit.  1 energy could = 1 million energy as far as I know.  Either I feel like doing things or I do not, just like I either have to pee or I do not.

Anyway.  I think I'm going to bed.  Whatever my energy budget was for the day, I definitely spent some, so I'd better go replenish it before I accidentally overdraw (again).

If y'all have any tips for me on how to tell how I feel, I'd love for you to share.  I can use all of the help I can get!

💙

I'm definitely not ok.

I'm definitely not ok.

I've been reading about how to come back from Autistic Burnout, and aside from sleeping/resting and not "shoulding" myself, I discovered that I haven't been doing enough.  It is no wonder that my recovery isn't going well.

I haven't reduced demands upon my time much.  I haven't stopped masking as much as I could.  I'm about to address both of those things right now.

Saturday is my last UI/UX class.  In retrospect, I should have quit the class when I found out that I was in burnout; I did try, but the teacher was too nice and flexible and while it did get more interesting, it has definitely been too large of a drain on my energy.  I will not be taking anymore classes for the foreseeable future.  I also plan to take at least a month's hiatus from any in-person hangouts.  It is time to focus on myself and start deep healing.

Regarding masking:

I feel like I'm more myself on the Internet than I am in person (save for a very few people that I am close to); however, I still fawn for y'all.  I tend to not post anything controversial.  I did write the AI post recently, but in general I tend to steer clear of writing anything that will make people uncomfortable or unhappy with me.

I'm going to introduce myself to y'all now.  If you don't like me, that's ok.  Handle it however you deem necessary; but just know that I will not argue with you about who I am.  Accept me or don't; those are your options.

My name is Blu.  I have Autism.  I loathe small talk.  I am an Agnostic Atheist.  I believe in Science.  I am a Feminist.  Your body, your choice - regarding pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, sex, anything - as long as you are not causing harm to anyone else.  Black Lives Matter.  No one is illegal on stolen land built by stolen hands.  Trans men are men and trans women are women.  Love is Love.  Access to food, water, shelter, and medical care are basic human rights.  There are no ethical billionaires.

I believe in direct communication.  I will no longer put in the work to read between your lines.  If you are unable to articulate a thought or direction clearly, that is a you problem, not a me problem.  Do better.  The exception to this is a work/school environment; I will always try to make sure that I understand the assignment before completing it.

Regarding communication, it is not rude to be direct and clear.  It saves confusion and misunderstanding, and it is effective.  This is a neurotypical problem, not a neurodivergent problem.  This is a case in which NTs should adjust for NDs.  Work on your communication skills.  Communicate accessibly.  You are not a parking spot and have no obligation to be accessible, but it would be nice if you cared to try.

I don't say any of this to scare people away.  I don't want my timeline to become an echo chamber.  I know that I have many friends who will not agree with me on everything I've written.  That's fine.  Just know that I've loved and accepted you regardless of our differences.  If you can't do the same for me, then it's time we part ways.

If you feel the need to debate me about anything I've written in this post, be aware that I am not going to engage.  I will simply delete the friendship.  I am introducing my whole self in an attempt to heal.  I don't have the energy to defend myself for being who I am, and anyone who feels that I should spend the precious little energy I have left engaging them rather than doing self care is not anyone who has my best interests at heart.

Love me or leave me.

You better gangway.

You better hit bull's eye;

the kid don't play.

💙💙💙

I haven't been doing ok.

I haven't been doing ok.

Dealing with burnout and discovering that it's related to Autism (that I didn't know I had) has been a whole journey.  I only found out in early March and it explains a lot of things, but I'm still trying to understand how to make existence easier.  In this case, I don't feel like knowing has been half of the battle.

I've been keeping to myself more and resting.  I've been going to my room when I need actual quiet and regulation.  Shaun has been handling things like grocery shopping for a while, but now I know why I hate it and I will probably tag along even less because it's a stress I can avoid.

I have long said that Shaun knows me better than anyone, and I guess what I was trying to say before but didn't have the context to put into words is that I mask less around him than I ever have with anyone else, aside from maybe Shadow (my son).  It's something I've done since childhood and it happens so automatically with most people that I don't even know how to stop.

But I guess progress is knowing when I'm not ok and when I'll definitely be slipping the mask on, and trying not to put myself in situations where I have to use that energy when my battery is already low.  Lately, that means opting out of things I'd normally like to do, like seeing friends, going to the Cactus & Succulent society sales and events, going to the tech socials, even chatting to friends, etc.  I'm just running on fumes and I'm not sure how to refill the tank.  All of the sleep in the world doesn't seem to be helping.

Losing Scar and Ash last week has been terrible for my mental health.  I have felt so raw and weepy.  It's taken a week to adjust to sleeping without Scar on my face, and to stop listening for him all night.  Adrian (the other old kitty in my bedroom) is a great snuggler.  She's enjoying being the main character now, but I need to trim her nails.  She is very jumpy and launches herself away at the slightest noise or movement, and she is scratching me in tender places (like the backs or insides of my upper arms), and I just really don't need the physical pain right now.

I haven't showered in about a week and I don't know when I will.  I haven't yet deep-cleaned my bedroom or changed sheets from the ones that Scar last slept on.  I've been living on toast and waffles because the most "cooking" I can get myself to do is use the toaster.

I'm medicated for depression, but I feel like I'm having a bit of breakthrough depression... but like, I think it's normal to be not ok right now.  And I'm not.  🤷🏻

I am tired to death.

I am tired to death.

Yesterday, I attended my online class, did some plant repotting, did my nails, and showered for the first time in at least a week. That was a lot.

Scar is still having diarrhea thanks to me accidentally giving him access to his dry food, but it's slowly getting better again. He still has a vet appointment for tomorrow. I'm anxious to find out what's going on.

Today is supposed to be my plant-watering day, but it's windy and dusty out. I'm not up for being exfoliated by the desert, so I'm just going to wait. Honestly, this is probably the worst weather we have here:  The dusty days. I'm not complaining. I'll take this over a tornado ANY time.

I decided that I needed another tray and another bucket to speed up my watering since I do bottom-watering. Shaun took me to Lowe's. I found a tray. I also got a pink bucket, which probably excited me more than it should have. 😂 I thought my only choice would be the standard Lowe's blue. I also found a Graptoveria on clearance that was on my wishlist, so yay for that $2.98 find.

I think I'm gonna try to nap now. If I do anything today, it'll probably be something indoors and low-key. I'm trying to do things I enjoy as well as self-care to get up some energy, but it's slow going. Burnout is really hard to come back from.

In my exhaustion, I messed up.

In my exhaustion, I messed up.

I left a door open that I normally don't. Behind that door was the dry food that I'd taken from Scar because he was vomiting it up.

I woke up a few minutes ago, weirded out that I'd gotten more than a few hours of sleep in one go. Then he had a messy poop. I got up to clean it and found out he and Adrian had been eating the dry food.

That explains the poop, and also why he let me sleep.

I hope this isn't a huge setback for his progress. We'd had no diarrhea for days.

I guess it's something that he hasn't thrown it up?

My battery has been low since last week.

My battery has been low since last week. No amount of rest feels like enough.

Scar (cat) is doing better regarding his IBD/diarrhea. No accidents in days. But he's so hungry that he wakes me up every few hours to eat.

Today, I didn't get out of bed until 3pm. And I'm about to go back.

All I managed to do today was repot some plants that weren't taking up water like they should. That's it.

I have UI/UX homework, but I'm too tired. Hopefully I can make it to class on time tomorrow, at least.

I guess it's been about 2 weeks...

I guess it's been about 2 weeks since I wrote about how things are going, but that's because by and large nothing has changed.  I haven't put much effort into my app or anything, really - I'm just maintaining the necessities at this point.

I haven't written about this yet, but Scar (my kitty cat) isn't doing well.  He's 14, so he's getting up there in age.  He was previously diagnosed with IBD and we'd had that under control for quite a while, until the food that worked for him was suddenly discontinued a few months back.  We've been on the struggle bus ever since.

For a while, he was having pretty constant diarrhea in the floor, which I know sounds disgusting, but it's even worse when he uses the litter box and gets poop and litter all over himself.  I'd honestly rather him use the floor for this purpose because it's easier to clean and he doesn't get in my bed covered in poop.  Either way, it's unpleasant to wake up to, but less gross to clean up a mess from the linoleum than to have a poop-covered cat come to snuggle.

His accidents are becoming fewer, but he's lost a good bit of weight and I'm feeding him wet food every few hours, even through the night.  He actually looks like he's gained a bit back, so that is nice.

I know it all sounds terrible, but otherwise he seems to feel fine.  He's been worse in the past.  I actually took him to the vet for euthanasia once before, and they said he was doing too well, which I was grateful for, though I felt horrible for his condition.

Anyway, his labs look pretty good.  He has an appointment the Monday after next for a scan to see if it looks like inflammation or something more nefarious.  I hope it's nothing too bad.  He really doesn't seem like he's done with life yet; he's still sassy and bratty and himself, so I'm going to support him the best I can until we find out what's going on or he decides he's done - whichever comes first.

It has been a bit draining trying to recover from burnout while also babying him and that's probably why I'm doing only the bare minimum in all other aspects, but I know that whether he has IBD or something else, I only have so much time with him.  I'm going to treasure our time together.

I hope you all are doing well.  Sometimes I sort of get antsy or beat myself up for my lack of "accomplishing" things, but it's easier to talk myself out of that now, thank goodness.

Hey friends! Happy Friday!

Hey friends!  Happy Friday!

Life Update:

I'm still sleeping a lot.  Like, 12-14 hours a day during the week.  I am so grateful that Shaun doesn't hate shopping/going to stores/doing the errands because I certainly do and they are such a drain.  Thankfully, it's not as big of a deal for him and he is handling all of that for us.  He's like "Since you're working..." and I'm like "Bruh, I am part-time at best at my official job, and barely even taking baby steps on getting my web design business off the ground or Polish ALL the Things! converted to a Native app."

Regardless, he says that I'm doing enough and I'm glad that he feels that way.  I've been a lot easier on myself since finding out that I have Autism, and I am grateful that Shaun understands and doesn't put any extra stress on me while I try to continue to recover from burnout.  He's never been anything but gentle and supportive of me, even before my diagnosis.  When I was pretty well incapacitated in 2014 he basically body-doubled my entire life to keep me going until I got help.  Part of that was depression, but looking back, it was probably partially due to a burnout phase, too.

I don't really have any idea what life will look like after May, when the UI/UX class I'm taking and the ServiceNow CSA class I'm teaching both end.  But I'm hoping that I will be more functional as a person and able to hold down more steady work, should I be so lucky to have it.

I do have a lot of items on my To Do list that I feel like have been holding me back from things I really want to do.  I feel like I've been stuck in "Waiting Mode", as in, "Waiting for things to be done before I can enjoy myself or take on more projects" for a few years, so that is unfortunate, especially since I was "shoulding" myself and putting pressure on myself to finish them, but since I've stopped with the pressure and just worked on things at a sustainable pace, they're finally (slowly but surely) getting done.  Nothing is checked off of my list yet, but there is progress, which is better than no progress, so I'm taking the win.

It's really not as satisfying to not binge and finish things super fast, but I've learned that that is dopamine seeking and I'm trying not to do that anymore (at least not in ways that end up being detrimental to my health).  So we'll see how that goes.  Maybe THIS will be the year that I finally get my shit together.  😂😂😂  (If you don't know:  I say this every year after I binge a project and make progress, only to burn out and accomplish nothing else.)

Anyway, Happy Weekend, friends!  ❤

Apple has officially accepted me as a developer.

Apple has officially accepted me as a developer. I guess it's time to go (moderately so I don't burn out) hard on converting my app. 😂😂😂

I am really not enjoying this whole "pacing myself" thing, but being able to do even small things every day rather than being immobilized mentally and physically by burn out is better. I'm gonna try my hardest to stick to it.

As I've mentioned before...

As I've mentioned before, I've been using AI to navigate back from Autistic Burnout while I wait to get into therapy (I did hear back from my therapist and she said she doesn't do the therapy I need, but will get me a list of providers that do).

With the help of AI, I've been learning to budget my energy and have stayed level for the last couple of weeks.  There has been a lot of guilt-free resting and a lot of naps.  When I have a good or bad day, I tell AI what happened and it points out stressors that I didn't even realize I had, or ways that I did (or can in the future) make accommodations for myself.

I had planned to go to a tech meetup tonight.  I love going and networking with other nerds [endearing] and being social with people, but after I stayed up so late doing plant stuff last night/this morning, I decided not to go.

So what had happened was...

A few days ago I brought down my upstairs plants for repotting.  They were in the way down here and we kept shuffling them around.  Shaun asked me if I could take them back up, so after I taught class on Thursday, I went on a repotting spree because I REALLY didn't want to take them back up without fresh dirt.  That's how I ended up staying up until 4 this morning working on plants.

I did more than I had to and stayed up even after I was tired which is not ideal, but I was in THE ZONE and just went for it.

So this morning I woke up at 10, didn't feel super great, did my morning routine, and ended up going back to sleep until 2.  I felt better after that.  But I didn't feel like going out and being social.  My hands and nails are wrecked from the repotting.  I didn't want to do the things I'd need to do to feel comfortable going out, like showering.

So... I spent the rest of the day in the greenhouse with my plants, and it was quite nice.  I watered more than half, picked off dried leaves, and cleaned a little.  I'm disgusting now and will be showering and going to bed soon, but it was a day well-spent.  I hope to finish what I started in the greenhouse tomorrow after my UI/UX class.

While going to the tech social would have been fun, it also would have been a drain on my energy - the getting ready to go, the driving, the masking around people, the discomfort of my clothes, the noise.  All of that on top of me not being at 100% already today from going to bed so late.  And I do have to attend class in the morning.  I do have plans on Sunday.  So I needed to cut one thing out to replenish my energy budget, and this time it was the tech social.

It's so weird because I never ever once thought of my energy in these terms, or events/outings in terms of what they "cost" me, energy-wise.  I don't know if most people do think this way, or if most people feel these things intuitively, but I definitely did not.  Before, if you needed help, I was coming.  If you wanted to hang out, I was there.  Help you move?  💪  Where to?

Now, I'm checking in with myself, looking at my week, and making an informed decision.

This is all so very different than how I've operated for the last 23-ish years of my life, but I feel like I'm finally taking care of myself.  And it feels nice!

Learned the hard way, but now I know.

Learned the hard way, but now I know.

Today has been very chill.

Today has been very chill.

I woke up around 9 because Scar was driving me crazy, so I fed him and went back to bed.  I woke up and got up around 2.

I skipped my thyroid meds this morning.  I had messaged my doctor, but not heard back yet.  Likely related, I haven't had any hot flashes or bouts of sweating.  My head also feels less... pressurized?  I don't know.  But I'm thinking that I might not need that medication anymore, or that I may need a lower dose.  I'm going to see how I feel; plus I have a checkup in 2 weeks, so we'll see.

I watched some YouTube videos with Shaun today.  We watched a few things and I didn't even scroll my phone for dopamine hits (nor did I feel the need to), so that is really nice.  I can't remember the last time I was just able to do. one. thing. and it keep my attention.

After I did my office hours, we put on a show and I went through and put 2 more sets of my swatch sticks and locations into my database.  I have considered doing one last ring of sticks to finish an entire helmer.  It's out and sitting by me, so I might.

I didn't touch my app at all today.  That's kind of a big deal because building the PWA is what led to this giant crash that I've been trying to recover from, so it's nice that I'm not going crazy on it.  I do have some homework to do, class tomorrow, and also the class I'm teaching to prepare for.  Maybe I'll get on top of my homework tomorrow.  I dabbled in it a little bit today, but not much.

Anyway, the day is winding down and I'm getting tired, so I'm heading to bed soon.  If I wake up early enough tomorrow, I might repot my indoor plants.  We'll see.  But I definitely needed this chilling out in a big way.  It's weird to see that I can be productive without being stressed and that I can also be productive without pushing myself to the max.  This actually feels sustainable, as long as I protect and budget my energy.