As I've mentioned before...

As I've mentioned before, I've been using AI to navigate back from Autistic Burnout while I wait to get into therapy (I did hear back from my therapist and she said she doesn't do the therapy I need, but will get me a list of providers that do).

With the help of AI, I've been learning to budget my energy and have stayed level for the last couple of weeks.  There has been a lot of guilt-free resting and a lot of naps.  When I have a good or bad day, I tell AI what happened and it points out stressors that I didn't even realize I had, or ways that I did (or can in the future) make accommodations for myself.

I had planned to go to a tech meetup tonight.  I love going and networking with other nerds [endearing] and being social with people, but after I stayed up so late doing plant stuff last night/this morning, I decided not to go.

So what had happened was...

A few days ago I brought down my upstairs plants for repotting.  They were in the way down here and we kept shuffling them around.  Shaun asked me if I could take them back up, so after I taught class on Thursday, I went on a repotting spree because I REALLY didn't want to take them back up without fresh dirt.  That's how I ended up staying up until 4 this morning working on plants.

I did more than I had to and stayed up even after I was tired which is not ideal, but I was in THE ZONE and just went for it.

So this morning I woke up at 10, didn't feel super great, did my morning routine, and ended up going back to sleep until 2.  I felt better after that.  But I didn't feel like going out and being social.  My hands and nails are wrecked from the repotting.  I didn't want to do the things I'd need to do to feel comfortable going out, like showering.

So... I spent the rest of the day in the greenhouse with my plants, and it was quite nice.  I watered more than half, picked off dried leaves, and cleaned a little.  I'm disgusting now and will be showering and going to bed soon, but it was a day well-spent.  I hope to finish what I started in the greenhouse tomorrow after my UI/UX class.

While going to the tech social would have been fun, it also would have been a drain on my energy - the getting ready to go, the driving, the masking around people, the discomfort of my clothes, the noise.  All of that on top of me not being at 100% already today from going to bed so late.  And I do have to attend class in the morning.  I do have plans on Sunday.  So I needed to cut one thing out to replenish my energy budget, and this time it was the tech social.

It's so weird because I never ever once thought of my energy in these terms, or events/outings in terms of what they "cost" me, energy-wise.  I don't know if most people do think this way, or if most people feel these things intuitively, but I definitely did not.  Before, if you needed help, I was coming.  If you wanted to hang out, I was there.  Help you move?  💪  Where to?

Now, I'm checking in with myself, looking at my week, and making an informed decision.

This is all so very different than how I've operated for the last 23-ish years of my life, but I feel like I'm finally taking care of myself.  And it feels nice!

Learned the hard way, but now I know.

Learned the hard way, but now I know.

Today has been very chill.

Today has been very chill.

I woke up around 9 because Scar was driving me crazy, so I fed him and went back to bed.  I woke up and got up around 2.

I skipped my thyroid meds this morning.  I had messaged my doctor, but not heard back yet.  Likely related, I haven't had any hot flashes or bouts of sweating.  My head also feels less... pressurized?  I don't know.  But I'm thinking that I might not need that medication anymore, or that I may need a lower dose.  I'm going to see how I feel; plus I have a checkup in 2 weeks, so we'll see.

I watched some YouTube videos with Shaun today.  We watched a few things and I didn't even scroll my phone for dopamine hits (nor did I feel the need to), so that is really nice.  I can't remember the last time I was just able to do. one. thing. and it keep my attention.

After I did my office hours, we put on a show and I went through and put 2 more sets of my swatch sticks and locations into my database.  I have considered doing one last ring of sticks to finish an entire helmer.  It's out and sitting by me, so I might.

I didn't touch my app at all today.  That's kind of a big deal because building the PWA is what led to this giant crash that I've been trying to recover from, so it's nice that I'm not going crazy on it.  I do have some homework to do, class tomorrow, and also the class I'm teaching to prepare for.  Maybe I'll get on top of my homework tomorrow.  I dabbled in it a little bit today, but not much.

Anyway, the day is winding down and I'm getting tired, so I'm heading to bed soon.  If I wake up early enough tomorrow, I might repot my indoor plants.  We'll see.  But I definitely needed this chilling out in a big way.  It's weird to see that I can be productive without being stressed and that I can also be productive without pushing myself to the max.  This actually feels sustainable, as long as I protect and budget my energy.

Today we did some errands.

Today we did some errands.

Lately when we go out, I try to wear my nicer clothes now that I have some that fit. But today, I wasn't up for getting changed, so I left the house in my leggings, t-shirt, braless, sloppy jacket, and sandals. Usually, I'd be like "Ugh, I'm such a slob" and feel bad about it...

But today, I thought of it this way:  "I have several things to do and I'm removing barriers to my tasks by taking away the obstacle of changing clothes. This is an accommodation and it's helping me get things done. It's ok."

And just like that, I didn't beat myself up for not looking "presentable" in public spaces. There was therefore no shame spiral, no extra stress. Just me doing the best I can (as usual), but it finally being "enough."

I woke up today a little before 9...

I woke up today a little before 9, which happens sometimes. But I usually still feel drowsy and end up falling asleep again until noon or 1.

However, I woke up and had this cartoon-ass thought:

"The day is full of possibilities!"

And I got up.

Is this what "rested" feels like?

Because I'm digging it. 😂😂😂

Listen...

Listen. I know this is going to possibly sound kooky... But I have been treated for hypothyroidism for a few years now, and it has me feeling A LOT better.

But since being diagnosed with Autism and starting to relax for what feels like the first time in my life... I'm starting to feel over-treated. Like, I'm hot and sweaty a lot of the time, and that has been opposite of my (almost) whole life experience save for the last few years when I started treatment and stopped feeling cold all the time.

I know that stress/cortisol is linked to thyroid function... But in such a big way that I might need a lower dose of medication?

I think it's time to get some labs done. 🤔

I'm heading to bed.

I'm heading to bed. It's been another actually good day, stress/burnout-wise.

Me and Shaun had a late anniversary lunch. Since Shadow has to be asleep tomorrow because his work schedule is changing temporarily, he asked if we could have his birthday dinner tonight, which we did. We picked it up to-go and ate at home.

Me and Shaun put on a comedy thing that the kids recommended. I messed around on the computer while listening to it and updated the swatch status and location for 3 out of 72 drawers of nail polish. It's one of the things I'd put on my list of things to do that I couldn't get myself to do... even though I wanted to do it. But I did some and it was easy and fun. And I was using the app I created, so that was also nice.

I felt the urge to not stop until I was done or until I crashed completely out - whichever came first, but I have something to do in the morning and I want to be rested for it. So since I'm getting sleepy I'm being good and going to bed. The task will be there tomorrow or whenever I feel like picking it up again. I think that breaking this cycle of hyperfocus and straining/stressing myself over nothing will be key to preventing burnout again.

Look at me. I'm cosplaying a very stable adult. Are y'all proud of me? 😂😂😂

Goodnight. ❤️

I didn't even know I did this, but...

I didn't even know I did this, but I was talking to Shaun about a convo in the group chat and I said "I laugh-reacted at something I knew was a joke, but I didn't get it."

I've never said that sentence before in my life. He's like "You've definitely done that in real life before. I've had to explain the jokes to you afterwards."

I was so unaware! I feel like receiving the Autism diagnosis is allowing me to see masks I didn't even know that I had.

Thankfully, my friends will explain it and lightly roast me and it'll be fine. 😂😂😂

I'm tired!

I'm tired!

I slept late again, guilt-free.  It's crazy how much a mindset shift can change things.  Instead of sleeping or napping or doing nothing stressfully (and gaining very little rest or recovery in the process), removing the "should" and being gentler with myself has been a game changer.  I am finally starting to feel some semblance of peace within myself.

Today was a designated "no obligations" day for me.  I ended up repotting a few plants because I wanted to, not because I should.  I did more than I thought I would, and I stopped when I got tired - not pushing through to some arbitrary goal I made up.  There is more to do, but nothing is urgent.  They're ok.

I also did some of my wireframe homework.  I stopped when I got tired of that, too.  The only other thing I'm going to do now is my Duolingo while I wait for Shadow to get off work and bring home milk (because I like to have some milk with creamer before bed).

Today, while I was in my "flow state" repotting, Shaun hit me with another "Why?" question, which is like taking my laser focus and snatching it sideways.  I didn't get upset or anything - he is allowed to ask me questions.  But I told him that I wasn't going to think about it right now and to email it to me if he really wanted an answer.  I protected my attention and my flow, made an accommodation for myself, and did it without being rude (unlike the Waffle "Why?" from a while back).  😬

The ONLY differences between the Waffle Why and this Why was that I understood what was happening within myself instead of having a bad feeling that I couldn't name, AND the fact that I have ACTUALLY been resting rather than "stress resting" and had the energy to articulate that I wasn't going to think about it now and to formulate the accommodation.

I feel like that was a win.  He is a curious person and I like that about him, but I REALLY hate transitions/distractions when I'm doing things, so the solution removed the immediate demand while still allowing him to ask.  I did answer him after I was done repotting - he didn't even have a chance to email me.  😆  But it's nice to have a plan in place because this WILL come up again.

Also, email specifically vs. a text or message:  Texts and messages feel like they require an immediate response, which if I could give, I would have done verbally in the moment.  Email is not urgent, and I can open and answer it at my convenience without it getting lost.  It will be waiting in my inbox for me to be ready.

Anyway.  I hope you all are doing well.  I'm getting better, slowly, but surely.  I finally heard back from my therapist and she doesn't do the kind of therapy I need, so she is going to refer me to someone.  But things are progressing, and that's really all I can ask.

Last night I did some research (with AI)...

Last night I did some research (with AI) on PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy/Pervasive Demand for Autonomy) as it relates to Autism and I'm pretty sure I have that.  I spent most of my 20s/30s proclaiming "I do what I want!" in response to many things.  😆  If you knew me then or were an online friend, then you probably heard that or saw it written at some point.

I know that sounds silly, but that is also not the only reason I identify with that profile.  I read that the call could also be coming from inside the house, and that the best way to change that (even for tasks you WANT to do), is to change the language surrounding it.

I had previously mentioned that I have an ever-growing To-Do list (including things I want to do so that I don't have to hold them in my brain), so my most recent strategy was to put some of the tasks on my calendar to do on certain days to see if I could motivate myself that way.  Big shock:  I could not.  I did a few things at first (as usual), then got tired of having tasks blowing up my phone and started ignoring them.  Then I started feeling "behind", of course.  It became stressful.

SO... last night I was thinking of my list.  And I tried following the advice of changing the language around my tasks.  Instead of "I NEED to repot my plants" I changed it to "I CHOOSE to repot my plants."  Instead of "I SHOULD add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app", I thought "I WANT to add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app."  And it's crazy because I DO want to do those things, but by thinking of them as "needs" or "shoulds", it makes the task heavier and harder to start.  It becomes a demand, and I avoid it - even though it's a thing I placed solely on myself.

I can't say that the shift in thinking directly caused this, but I woke up earlier than I usually do, and I felt MUCH lighter.  I didn't actually even DO anything.  I was just thinking about my list before bed.  Nothing got checked off; I just changed how I thought about it, and it felt nicer somehow.  So there is that.

I am also trying to learn not to use cortisol/adrenaline to get myself to start tasks (like by procrastinating and doing things at the last minute).  It creates a shame cycle and it's an unhealthy way to cope that I am hoping to stop.  I am not a lazy person.  I love to do things.  I love to learn and to feel accomplished and feel peaceful in my space (because I cleaned it or whatever).  But I get stuck often and that could be related to low dopamine, which tracks because I usually start dopamine-seeking when I'm stuck by scrolling the Internet or shopping online - which are not healthy coping mechanisms, either.

I have been starting my days by having tea in the greenhouse - to kind of pre-load some dopamine in a healthy way while simultaneously getting some sunshine in my eyeballs.  I haven't been able to stick to it every day, but I will keep trying.  I notice that I do feel more peaceful on the days I do it.

So there is that.  I don't know if any of this information could be useful to anyone else, but if you feel like you're terrible at sticking to things and procrastinate often and avoid even tasks you'd like to do, then maybe try being a little nicer to yourself and also reframe your thinking a bit.  Couldn't hurt to try!

I see a lot of people speaking out against AI, but...

I see a lot of people speaking out against AI, but I have been using it since my Autism assessment.  I wanted to understand how I feel and why, and the physical ways it's been manifesting.

I have been reading about Autism for years, trying to understand how/if I fit into the category of Autistic.  It all felt very unclear.  Getting the official diagnosis made me feel very validated and hopeful that my future could be less hard than my past, but I had a lot of questions and no immediate outlet for them.

A lot of you will say this is stupid, but I gave AI the completed assessment from my doctor.  I asked it to explain some things to me.  I asked about how specific past situations in my life might fit with that assessment.  Why did a thing go the way it did?  Why did I feel this way after the things that happened on X day?  Why don't the suggestions from other people ever work for me?

It has brought me a lot of clarity and understanding.  I now know what a dopamine crash is, as well as how to prevent it.  I now know that due to my scores on certain parts of the assessment, that I am highly rigid and also probably struggle with PDA as well as Executive Dysfunction.  I now know that "going for walks when switching contexts" doesn't work for me because it's not that simple - it's choosing clothes, putting on sunscreen, choosing where to go, then dealing with more input in a different environment; basically, it's MORE WORK TO DO.

AI has recommended that I nap for 20-30 minutes between tasks and honestly, even if I don't sleep - just laying under my weighted blanket and relaxing and not being perceived helps SO MUCH.  Specifically, going to my bedroom to rest is what works.  Couch naps are "junk rest" and do leave me feeling more crappy, so I'm done taking them.

I'm not saying that I am using AI in place of therapy - I'm not.  The minute I got my results, I emailed my therapist to see if she could provide the type of therapy that I need (and I'm waiting to hear back).  But this has been very eye-opening and helpful while I wait.  I have to learn to manage this sooner rather than later.  I am not ok.  I go through cycles of being ok, but then I crash, and I have to stop that because as I age it is taking more and more time to recover.  I literally can't live like this anymore now that I know without doubt that I'm built different and that there are better ways for me to exist.

Again, I don't think that my usage of AI is frivolous.  I know very well that it can be telling me what I want to hear.  But I am also a very skeptical person and if it says something that doesn't make sense, I challenge it and / or do other research.

I don't know.  It just feels nice to have a direction for now, and the tips it's been giving have been very helpful so far.  I will eventually learn to manage myself on my own, but for now I'm using every tool available to me.  Even AI.

Well. There we go.

Well. There we go.

ADHD wasn't confirmed, but it's harder for women to get diagnosed with that, anyway.

This doesn't feel life-changing or anything. It just feels like it explains a bunch of things that were never in my control. I feel pretty relieved, actually.

I have the nicest, most patient UI/UX teacher IN THE LAND...

I have the nicest, most patient UI/UX teacher IN THE LAND because I swear I'm out here MISunderstanding the assignments - repeatedly.

There is a process we're following, and the first step was deciding what to design, then to gather information. Got it, no problem, done. ✅ Now we're doing layouts.

Our homework was to do hand-drawn sketches of what the app might look like on a mobile phone. So I did the first sketch. They said it was a "rough" and it was fine if it was messy.

Tonight, they had me re-do it using a program and said I could type the words, so I did it. One of the instructors said the bottom was a little confusing, so I fixed it.  But you can tell it's hand-drawn because it's crooked. Second image - Done! ✅

My teacher met with me and did the third drawing in the same program. I thought I was supposed to keep it as hand-drawn as possible, so I didn't use the rectangles/squares tools. Okay, it definitely looks nice.

But... When we got off the chat, I was like "She just re-drew what I drew." And Shaun disagreed. And I'm like "THEY ARE THE SAME THING!" And Shaun was like "You don't literally mean that, do you?"

But like, yes?

And she did a few versions and was like "Maybe there's an image here or a video there." And I'm like "What image and what video? We didn't discuss that. We don't have that."

And it has been explained to me that I'm supposed to be making this stuff up out of my head. But literally, nobody told me that. And how do you know if the image will fit? Or the video? We don't have any of that already. I made the design based off the information I had.

I made the whole Polish ALL the Things! app without doing this process. I made the things I wanted and then arranged them like puzzle pieces. My navigation bar is alphabetized. Shaun said this class definitely isn't how I normally work (though my work turns out great), and also that it's weird that my navigation is alphabetical.

I know this is going to sound so crazy, but I don't think I've ever struggled so hard to understand what I was supposed to do. Shaun said that I'm thinking extremely literally, and my teacher agreed. She said she struggled with this before, too, so thankfully she is working with me. But I just feel like the biggest asshole, although I'm not being intentionally obstinate.

Still waiting to hear back about my assessment, but...

Still waiting to hear back about my assessment, but this is 100% me.

I had the 2nd part of my evaluation/assessment...

I had the 2nd part of my evaluation/assessment this morning. Now I'm waiting for my report, which I should have within 10 business days.

I immediately crashed after it was done. I'm just exhausted today. I don't know if it's because I'm eating like crap, fighting off crud, stress/overwhelm, or if that was a let-down/release to have it completed, or what. But I'm tired. And I'm about to have to attend a 3-hour class.

I am enjoying UI/UX, but I really hate the 4 hours on Saturday. It's from 9-1 and I have to wake up and that is just the biggest bummer. 😂

Just finished the first part of my assessment!

Just finished the first part of my assessment!

Nailed it!

We continue tomorrow.