ADHD evaluation tomorrow.

I've had a bad couple of days.

I've had a bad couple of days. I've had a nonstop tension headache/migraine. I think it's due to anxiety.

But having slept for almost 2 days straight, I woke up at 7 naturally today. I feel ok-ish. I'm gonna shower and see what the day holds.

Before I do that... I want to talk about sleep.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a sleepy person. I *usually* didn't have trouble with being drowsy in elementary school and high school, but sometimes I was. I just fought it with everything I had because I didn't want to get in trouble for sleeping in class.

After that, I worked in retail for a bit, so I was up and moving. Same for the warehouse after that (except for the time I was being carbon-monoxide poisoned every day by my car on my way to work - I would nap during my breaks). But I was dating someone at that time and I would often fall asleep while visiting his family. Same with Shaun's family all these years, too. Let me sit somewhere comfortable and not be engaged enough, and I'm OUT. I fall asleep in waiting rooms. I've fallen asleep at work. Even at home after a good night's sleep, if I'm not engaged enough, I'm asleep. I'm not saying "This happened this one time." I'm saying that this is frequent and reoccurring.

We watched a movie the other day... This girl had been captured and was chained to a mattress. I said "I'd go to sleep." I wasn't even kidding. Like, if you ever wanna kidnap me, just give me a bed and I probably won't even resist. 😂 Not really, but it's ALMOST that ridiculous.

I'm glad I have a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday, because I'd really like to know if this could be part of Inattentive ADHD, or if I have a sleep disorder.

The more I think back on things, the more I realize that my life experience doesn't seem typical. It definitely hasn't been easy. And I'm just ready to get myself figured out.

I'm not having a great day.

I'm not having a great day. I didn't leave my room until after 6:30 pm. I was sleeping on and off. Having nightmares and then waking up with no energy to move.

I've been having trouble sleeping for a couple of weeks and it's because I couldn't get comfortable. It took me until last night to figure out what was making me so uncomfortable. It is my hips and knees hurting. It feels like I may be having a Psoriatic Arthritis flare. Yay for poor interception.

I'm on Skyrizi for my skin (Psoriasis) and my next dose is in about 10 days. I read that there can be some inflammation occurring towards the time of my next dose. I don't know if I need to see a rheumatologist or what, but I might need a higher dose to keep everything in check. I guess I'll inquire about that this coming week. Up until the last week or 10 days, I've been feeling pretty good, physically (or at least I thought I was). 😅

My mental health is another story. I feel so run down. I'm ready for my psych appointment on Wednesday.

Until then, I'm going to try to take it easy on myself. I have a ton I want to do, but thankfully most of it isn't pressing.

I have an appointment next week...

I have an appointment next week to be evaluated for Inattentive ADHD.  I've been a daydreamer since I was a child.  I've always had trouble doing things that I don't care a ton about doing.  On the flip side, I have trouble with NOT doing things that I really care about.

I rely on adrenaline for doing a lot of tasks.  For example, I wait until the last minute and then get stressed enough to overrule the executive dysfunction that keeps me from starting a task sooner.  That's not a healthy way to live.

I was working on getting ready for one of my certification tests yesterday, and I can't tell you how many times I had to go back and re-read the same sentence because my brain was suddenly playing songs like a radio, or I was remembering a dream, or I was thinking about something else while I was actively TRYING to focus on something.  It's even happening now as I write this post and this is something I want to do.

Most of the time, unless it is one of my hyper-focus things that I love, I can't even watch a show or movie without scrolling on my phone or else I will get bored and fall asleep.

I also have a lot of other trouble with sleeping.  I do the bedtime revenge procrastination thing.  I don't even want to, but it happens.  I do feel that I am naturally more of an afternoon/evening person than a morning person, but the extent to which I struggle makes me wonder if I have an underlying sleep disorder.  I think that by taking care of issues one at a time, we'll narrow it down.  I hope.

If it's possible to get medication for this, I am going to try it.  I 100% believe that my inability to function on any kind of moderate level is part of why I burn out so easily.  I have an internship coming up that I really care about, and I would really like to be my best self for it.  It comes with a lot of opportunity and I don't need to blow it by not being able to focus or learn or grow.  In a job like tech where you have to think and problem-solve, being unable to focus your brain on something that isn't your deep interest is not ideal.

Anyway, I'll let y'all know how it goes.  I really hope I can get some help.  I would love for life to feel less hard.

I just saw the video that everyone is talking about.

TRIGGER WARNING:  Self Harm
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I just saw the video that everyone is talking about. I must be dead inside, because I am unbothered.

Cuts don't bother me. Not on myself or anyone else.

If he was getting a mammogram, then I might have been horrified for the rest of the night. That pulling sensation definitely feels worse to me than cuts.

I was actually talking about that on Monday with my therapist. They said that often people with Autism process pain differently.

Like, I definitely feel physical pain, but I don't often care that I do. If it's pain from an unknown reason, that's a bit scary. But if I'm injured and it hurts, it's supposed to, so I'm fine.

He's cutting himself, sometimes. Mostly, the clip I saw was him dragging a knife over his skin and moaning. He made very few new cuts, but seemed to enjoy it when he did.

I think the worst part is that he said he was committing self-death to the people who were watching his stream, and they seemed distraught by that, but were obviously unable to stop him in the moment.

I don't know. A lot of people seem really disturbed. I'm sorry if y'all were subjected to that without consent.

Having a ramble.

Having a ramble.

Tl;dr:  I am feeling pretty good.

The last few days since I got my app officially into Beta on the sites, I've been feeling like a weight has been lifted.  I don't know if it was bogging me down carrying it in my head this whole time, but I just FEEL better.  So far, the only feedback has been small visual tweaks (like how things display on different sized screens), not like anything is majorly malfunctioning.  I am very happy with that.

I think getting it mostly out of my head has been good for my burnout recovery.  I've done laundry, I've been doing self-care (like showering more, wearing clean clothes every day, etc.), and taking care of my plants - even when it was daunting.  I am feeling more on top of things than I have in a great long while.  It's nice.

Before I came home from Houston, I had decided that I was done with retail therapy.  I love to buy plants and nail polish, but those small hits of dopamine were basically being canceled out later by the work they created.  For example, swatching a polish and adding it to my database, or potting a plant.  Those small tasks were adding up and keeping me feeling perpetually behind.

My plants are mostly settled... I have a few in the house that I'd like to move to the greenhouse, and a couple left to repot.  I have probably 16 drawers of unswatched nail polish.  They aren't alive, so they can wait.  But the point is that now I feel like I am not drowning in my tasks.  I can do things, and it's not a battle.

It was good timing on my part that I had decided to be done with retail therapy, because when I got back from my trip, Shaun was like "Hey, we're getting down to the wire financially."  That sucks, but it was nice to be on the same page.  So, I haven't shopped in about 3 weeks.  We haven't even eaten out anywhere or ordered DoorDash.  And for whatever reason, I feel zen about it.  I don't know why, but when I make a decision, it's easy to stick to it.  Getting myself to that point of "Decision Made" is the hard part.  😅

I think I'm gonna go clean off my desk before office hours tonight.  That's the next thing that has been bothering me.

I think I'm also going to list some clothes on Depop.  Have any of you done that?  The kids have been buying clothes for cheap from there and it seems like it's worth a shot to try to offload some of the things I have that I won't likely be wearing again.  I've also seen ThredUp, but I probably don't have much that's worth doing consignment for.  But it feels like a good time to clean out the closet.  And maybe the garage.  And in general just purge what is unused.

I went to therapy.

I went to therapy. I've been doing laundry. I've sent my app to some iPhone testers. (Still hoping to submit to the app stores next week.)

There is nothing left to do but pot these plants.

Posting to hold myself accountable. 🌱 🌵

I keep trying to get myself...

I keep trying to get myself to pot the desk full of plants I have in the sunroom. They've been out there uprooted, unwatered, and sad for AT LEAST 2 months.

I did my nails the other day. Laundry today. I had the time; just not the willpower. And I feel guilty because they are alive and need tending to.

I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

Late-night rambles:

Late-night rambles:

I did some self-care today in the form of doing my nails (just plain, but they were popping and peeling off, so this is better), and taking a shower. I'd been a stinky, greasy mess for at least a week. My nails hadn't been done since before I went to Houston. It was just time.

I think the only reason I felt ok to take care of myself is because my app is almost done. Yes, it's been the focus for the past few weeks. Yes, my schedule is messed up. But I'm not burned out. I've been sleeping, just at not the regular times.

My plan is to have it on the app stores on their beta tracks next week. I've been fixing and adjusting small things here and there. I am basically to the "paperwork" stage. I need screenshots of certain sizes for Apple. I'm gonna hit up some friends because my test phone is too small.

I've been talking to users through the app, which just blows my mind. I've built a thing, and it works... Well, at least part of it! 😅 I'm so freaking excited!

Now that the app stuff is not taking up all of my brain and my nails are protected, I can put away the laundry I piled up in the closet, as well as pot up the plants I've left neglected in the sunroom for the last 2 months. I might even clean my desk. 😂 I don't know what all I'm gonna do, but I feel a lot better. I guess I just needed to get all of my ideas out of me. If nothing else, it felt both like a dream, but also good for my career. It'll be nice to have a thing completed for my resume.

I've been kind of a mess, but I'm hanging in here. I'm slowly but surely starting to feel better and get things done.

I think that soon I will be able to handle people again. I really miss a lot of people that I've been pretty absent with for the last few months, but I just needed to recalibrate and I think most everyone understands.

Anyway, I'm about to change my sheets and get in this fresh bed. Hopefully, I will sleep through the night instead of waking up at crazy hours. We'll see.

I love you and I miss you. 💙

So, I hate this.

So, I hate this.

I hate being the one working part-time and being responsible for the house.

As soon as we're back on our feet, I'mma need my trophy husband to take a demotion and work part time and let me do the hustling.

I literally can't think straight about anything with all of the house stuff in my periphery.

I was supposed to sign up for a certification by yesterday, and it slipped my mind. It was IMPORTANT. Thankfully, the deadline was extended and I'll be ok, but it's not ok that I forgot.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm the more driven one. My focus is needed on my career. Shaun can work part-time just to give me some alone time in the house.

I don't think this current setup is gonna help with my burnout recovery at all. This last week and a half has been rough.

(I know we're privileged that we can get by on one income, but I did fight my way into tech for that reason. We'll be able to pay bills, but not save. We still have to figure that out unless I want to work until I die. Fun.)

Speaking of Shaun going to work...

Speaking of Shaun going to work...

I accidentally pulled an all-nighter again.  Not last night, but the night before.

I was working on my app and pretty into it, and before I knew it, it was midnight.  And I was tired and wanted to go to bed, but Shaun and Cubba were sleeping upstairs and he has to get up at 5 for work, which I knew would wake me up, so I was like "Should I even bother?"  And it turns out that no, I didn't bother.  I just continued my work and made a lot of good progress.

And you know what?  I have missed being able to just "get in the zone" and do work.  I don't like trying to manage myself and do things in moderation.  It's not fun or rewarding and it's not like I can just turn "the zone" on and off.

No, I shouldn't have not slept.  Obviously.  I was tired and could have, but it felt pointless in that moment.  I don't plan to do that again.  But like, why is it so wrong to exist the way I do?  Just because I am expected by society to hold down a 9-5?  It's so dumb.  I am a really productive person when left to my own devices.  I like to get shit done.  I get not going hard to the point of burning out, but like, can't I just go moderately hard?  Baby hard?  Any kind of hard at all?

Just screaming into the void, I guess.

Carry on.

Life Update:

Life Update:

Shaun got a job that he has to leave the house to go to.  I was unsure if it was doing me any good to have time unperceived until I just caught myself badly singing at more than a whisper.  So I guess I do feel a bit more free for some hours per week now, which is nice.

I feel like I have a thing that has been nagging at me for many years, but I haven't been able to put into words.  I'm gonna try it now, so bear with me as I stumble through this.  I don't know where this came from, but I feel like I feel (for me, anyway) that my partner is supposed to be impressed by me; that they should always see me at my best.

Obviously, that is not reality.  Shaun has seen me vomit so hard I peed myself.  He's seen me through MANY a mental breakdown.  He's literally been here with me (for almost 20 years at this point) through the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He is the most solid person I've ever had in my life.

But there are many things that I feel reserved about doing in his presence.  I don't really sing, dance, or try to improve myself/my physical skills when he is perceiving me.  To explain further, he would like to work out/exercise together.  I don't want to do that because he "should" only see the results of my efforts in that case, not my efforts.  I don't tap or drum on things because it is not something I practice anymore, and I don't want him to see how hard I have to try in order to "get it right;" I'd rather he just see/hear me do it and think it's good.

I feel like this hearkens back to the day of women waking up early and doing hair and makeup before their husbands wake up for the day.  Despite not having a husband, I was doing this shit in elementary school.  I would get up at 5 am to hot-roll my hair and put on makeup.  I spent many years sleeping uncomfortably on curlers and painting my face despite how bad it felt on my psoriasis because I only wanted to be perceived "at my best."  When I had my son at 17, things started dropping from my routine because, well, priorities.  I still wore makeup and put some effort into my hair, but not as much; I think not long after having him is the first time I cut my hair above my shoulders.  It was maybe 7 years later that I stopped shaving my body hair and ended up shaving my head.  I never felt ok with the inconsistency of being perceived in makeup with hair done and shaven versus how I exist naturally.  I'm guessing it's the Autism with the yes/no, on/off, black/white extremes, but I felt that if you were EVER going to see me in my "undone" state, then you should ALWAYS see me that way.

Shaun had definitely seen me un-made because when we met, I was working as a pet bather at PetSmart and I did not wear makeup for that job.  But I started working at the same place as him and wore makeup to work one day because I wanted him to think I was pretty, and he pointed it out (just in an observational way).  So I was caught - he remembered that I wasn't as pretty as I was trying to pretend to be, so I literally have never worn makeup since that day.  (I know how that sounds, but honestly, no shade and no shame to people who wear makeup; this is entirely a me-thing that I am trying to work through.)  Don't get me wrong - dropping it from my routine was a HUGE relief.  I never felt good at it.  I never enjoyed doing it.  I hated the way it felt on my skin.  I hated the tugging and the touching of putting it on.  I hated having to remove it.  I was glad to be done.  I was very happy to be able to exist in consistency and have that be enough.

But there are things that I am not good at.  I'm not a good singer or dancer.  In band, some of the drummers could just bust out with great rhythms and I'm sure they practiced away from me, but I only saw the fruits of their labor.  For me, I had to practice a ton just to get the basics.  So these are the things that I keep to myself or only do when unperceived, although I find them to be fun.

I am also not as physically fit as I used to be, or as fit as I'd like to be.  Shaun has always been in great shape; I swear when we met, he looked like a Greek statue.  Even though he's gained some weight over the years, he carries it so well because of how tall and muscular he is.  If he wants to lose weight, he is just more mindful of what he eats.  Meanwhile, I'd already had a child when we met.  I bounced back pretty well because of my age and activity level, but I felt that the changes to my body were still obvious, especially on my belly and breasts.  When I started gaining weight (due to stress, bad healthcare, Shaun taking me out to eat frequently, etc.), it was impossible to lose.  I tried counting calories and have a journal of what I'd eat in a day.  I was miserable.  I tried fasting.  Fasting felt good, but I was inconsistent and always went overboard on eat days.  It wasn't until getting thyroid medication and starting a GLP-1 that I felt I could actually have any sort of control over my weight.

I do want and need to start strength training for my bone health and because I'm sure I'd look a lot better and I've never really known what it's like to feel physically strong and that sounds fun, but I feel like this is a situation I'd need a class or mentor for.  I have tried a few times alone over the years and don't want to do it by myself.  I can't stay motivated.  But put me in a class?  Yeah, I'm gonna try to ace it.

It's so stupid because Shaun is literally right here and has experience with building muscle, but I want to look good FOR him, not with him.  😅  I fucking hate this.  Why do I care if he sees me struggle?  It wouldn't be the first time, but he usually sees me struggling mentally, not physically.  Also, when I'm home, I'm relaxing.  I don't want to work out here.  And I don't want to go to a gym with him.  If I'm hanging out with him, I want to have fun, not be doing work.  He is my relaxing space.  It doesn't feel nice to have him push me, I think.  Yeah, I definitely don't like it when he has expectations of me.  It feels gross and frustrating.  I want to already be enough/good enough.  And it's not like he ever (intentionally) does anything that makes me feel like I'm not, but entering into a learning situation is literally saying "I'm not enough.  I'm not where I want to be.  Teach me." and that is an ok space to be vulnerable and improve.  So yeah, I don't want him to see me that way, and I don't really know how to change that.  I also feel like I don't have very much control over my body, in a way.  Like, never once have I been able to make a physical change that I wanted to happen, happen, so it almost feels pointless to even try.

So, all this is to say that I do still mask around him/when he's home, but far less than I do with anyone else.  It still costs me energy to do it, so hopefully having him gone to work will allow me to slow/stop the constant small energy leak while I work with my therapist on just taking the damn thing off for good.  I don't know.  But as usual, I'm a work in progress.

I've read about this from more than one source...

I've read about this from more than one source and find it both distressing and helpful.

Simply resting more was really not bringing me back to a more functional state. When I say things like "I don't know how to exist/be a person anymore." this is exactly what I mean.

I have functioned one way for 43 years, and it no longer works for me. I literally don't know exactly what steps I have to take to get back to some version of "ok", but I know that whatever my future looks like, it will have to be different from the past. That is infinitely vague. 😅😭

Hermiting has helped a bit. As a recovering people-pleaser, being less socially available has reduced demands a lot, but as a social creature with "golden retriever energy" (per my son), it's also not sustainable. I have to learn to protect my energy while still maintaining friendships, and I don't know what that looks like. I'm starting with shorter hangouts and not taking any tasks, but will my people still feel loved? I don't know, and that's scary.

I am (hopefully) going to be working full-time again within the next few months. What does that look like? Will people want to work with me still if I don't/can't agree to everything? Small talk drains my life force with a quickness. I prefer written instructions vs. verbal. How do I navigate that?  Give me a prioritized list and I'm great. Is it ok to just say it? Is that asking for an accommodation and what if my manager doesn't like it?

There is so much I don't know. It feels like a lot to untangle. It is a lot to figure out. And I'm trying, but it's baby steps.

The struggle is real, but I love you and appreciate you for sticking with me through this mess. I hope that whatever relationship we have when I come out on the other side is intact in a way that still works for us both. 💙

I met my new therapist today.

I met my new therapist today. I'm really optimistic that I can feel better.

Some things that are troubling me:

Some things that are troubling me:

About 2 weeks ago, my Reddit account logged out.  I have not been able to log back in.  I submitted a ticket for help, but I still haven't received any help.  Also, now if I look up my account, it shows that it's banned.  For what, I have NO idea.

This has been very dysregulating.  I read myself to sleep every night on Reddit, so I was used to my feed being a certain way.  It was comforting.  I had saved a lot of posts with useful information.  I had a 700-something day streak.  I loved it.

I basically had to start over and try to re-create my feed.  It's still not like it was.  It still feels very "off" - like it's a bizarro universe and it makes me really sad.  I am still hopeful that I will get some help with my original account, but the hope is fading.  I don't know what to do.

I also haven't been spending too much time in the greenhouse, but the last two times I went out there, many of my plants had been chewed or completely eaten.  I don't know who is doing it, but Shaun put the camera back out there to see if we could catch whoever it is.  We don't know if it's birds or rodents or what, so we don't know how to stop it.  We do close the doors at night, but leave the top windows open for ventilation.  We might have to put up some screens, I guess.  I don't know.  But it's got me really sad.  Whole plants are missing.  Like they've either been devoured on the spot or uprooted and taken. 😭😭😭

Last thing (for now):  I'm too soft and Adrian ended up back in my room. Shaun's going to move her out and acclimate her to the living room/other cats while I'm away. I hope it's successful. I need a space to myself. If it doesn't work while I'm gone, then it can't be done. Shaun is great with cats and less of a pushover than I am right now.

I overextended myself yesterday.

I overextended myself yesterday.  I ended up exhausted and went to bed so early, then woke up in the middle of the night (peri peeps, y'all know the 3/4 am wakeup call.  It's a hormonal thing that turns us into werecougars.)  I usually just read myself back to sleep, but I was literally having dark thoughts and spiraling.

I feel only slightly better today.  I talked to Shaun and told him I need him out of the house sometimes.  I just need literal solitude.  My background processes don't stop listening for him or thinking about him when he's here.  I don't quite know the logistics of how he's different than the animals or the child I raised, but he is.  Shadow and the pets can be background.  Kira sleeps most of the day and tends to stay upstairs, but can definitely be a demand sometimes.  She's a gray area because I still view her as a kid even though I didn't fully raise her.  But Shaun is like a best friend that never leaves my house.  Just isolating in my bedroom is not helping me recover.  Don't get me wrong; sometimes I definitely need that, but it alone is not enough.

Thankfully, he has been looking for work outside of our home, and he's had a few good leads.  Maybe something will come through soon.  Also, he didn't take offense when I told him that I never get to miss him.  He understands.

We also had a talk about showing affection.  I have never been a hugger.  I'm actually not big on being touched.  Growing up, I didn't receive affection that way and most of the touch I received was violent in nature.  So I generally don't enjoy having hands coming towards me at all.  But when we started dating, I hugged Shaun.  I wanted to touch him and that was what people did, so I did it, too.  And I did enjoy it.  It's easy when things are new.

But now that's not the case and it's no one's fault.  His shirt is always covered in cat hair because that is our life right now, so when I hug him my face goes right into that.  It's a sensory nightmare.  I also don't like my face being smushed, but due to our height difference, my face goes right under/between his pecs.  Sometimes if I actually want to hug him, I just go under his shirt and that's better.  His chest hair doesn't stick to my face like cat hair.  So for years, I've just been doing this thing that I don't get anything out of because he seemed to need it and I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.  Not like that, anyway.

If he's sitting and I'm standing, I greatly prefer those hugs.  His face is on my chest, and my face isn't getting smushed or haired.  I can enjoy those.  We haven't figured out how he can physically show me affection in a way that I will like yet; I don't like to be massaged or petted or anything like that.  I like it when we touch legs while hanging out.  That feels like not an attack.  Head bonks are cool.  I also like sitting next to each other, like a cuddle - like what cats and dogs do with us.  I don't know, but I don't feel like that's as big a deal right now as me letting go of the daily "demand" (of course he doesn't actually demand them; it's just a thing that I felt like I was supposed to do) of hugs that I don't like.

I feel like the worst partner.  I don't know why he likes me.  Even when I was (unknowingly) fully masking at the beginning of our relationship, I know I wasn't an easy person.  My mental health has only gotten worse/more complicated over the years, and he's still here, still putting in the work, still not taking any offense to anything I need to say - no matter how insensitive it may seem.  I feel very lucky, but also very confused.  Like, I don't get why anyone would choose the mess that I am, but whatever floats his goat, I guess.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days. (More on that later.)

It was fun and hotel sleeping without a cat on my head was glorious (yes, moving Adrian downstairs FAILED).

But we got home yesterday and I immediately had to go to bed because I'd had zero alone time for 3 days.

Later this week I'm driving 13 hours through the desert and I am looking forward to those 13 hours like you wouldn't believe. Nobody can see me. Nobody can ask me for anything. Nobody can even talk to me if I don't want it.

Sometimes I worry that living with my husband was the wrong move. We do have separate spaces to retreat to, but either I'm so deep in burnout that being perceived is a stressor, or we just should've kept separate houses like we did for the first 10 years. I'm giving it until the dogs die (hopefully no time soon) before making any decisions or changes to our living situation, but...

Damn, it's hard.

Shaun is so great and I love him all the way. He is not doing anything wrong. It's just me. I'm built different and I feel like a terrible person and terrible partner because of it.

I'm still not feeling super social, but...

I'm still not feeling super social, but I'm starting to feel agitation from unread/unreplied-to notifications.  So if I respond to something you messaged or commented to me weeks ago, I apologize, but it is what it is.

On another note:

I love you.  Hang in there.  💙

Edited to add:  I got the comments knocked out.  Don't have the energy for whole messages yet.  But maybe this is a sign of return to personhood.  We will see.

Me...

Me, as young as I can remember, communicating with, understanding, and befriending animals.  They always say what they mean.

Me, in kindergarten, writing to the middle of the page with my left hand, and then switching to my right to finish out the page because I wanted things to be fair.

Me, in grade school, wondering if I would ever have friends whose parents weren't friends with my parents first.

Me, at 15 on my first trip to Six Flags, wondering why I hated having fun.

Me, in my teens, watching people succumb to peer pressure while remaining impervious to it.

Me, in my early 20s, deciding that I was done participating in the cycle of removing my body hair.  If men didn't have to, then I didn't, either.

Me, in my early 20s, figuring out that shaving my head made it easier to medicate/control my psoriasis, and that having skin flakes in long hair was a sensory nightmare I no longer had to endure.

Me, in my early 20s, finally out on my own, starting to struggle with schedules and routines and wondering how everyone else did it.

Me, in my late 20s, watching my 6th grade child set an alarm, shower, and catch the bus by himself because I wasn't a reliable, on-time, ride to school.

Me, in my 30s, looking back at the cycle of go hard/burn out, feeling like a broken person because "Why am I like this?"

Me, in my 30s, feeling the weight of everything crash down.  Full-blown depression, nothing in life accomplished, and barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis.  Heavily dependent on antidepressants, and Shaun body-doubling my life to drag me out of that hell.

Me, in my 40s, burned out.  Exhausted.  Confused.  Autistic.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm. Just had a breakfast of 1/2 of an Impossible Whopper and a few sips of Dr. Pepper - definitely not my morning routine. Definitely not the kind of meals I usually eat.

I'm in a funk.