I'm in Houston for a few more days.

I'm in Houston for a few more days.

Meanwhile, back home...

Shaun and Bear are doing, well... regular Shaun and Bear things. 😂😂😂

I love these two. 🤣😁

Wow.

Wow. Done fucked around and found the ocean.

Gross. 😂

How are agaves living out here?!

I met my new therapist today.

I met my new therapist today. I'm really optimistic that I can feel better.

Tired and gross, but happy. 💙

Tired and gross, but happy. 💙

I wear entirely too much clothing in Houston.

Maybe the third time will be the charm. 😂

I'm disgusting from singing and dancing in this heat.

I'm disgusting from singing and dancing in this heat.

BUT I TOUCHED CA7RIEL. Does it count as consent if he came off the stage right up to us with our hands outstretched?

I had grabby baby hands and I feel a little rude.

Paco didn't jump down, but put down his mic like he was gonna. I don't know how many times I felt like I was gonna pass out. This was great.

Ca7riel & Paco Amoroso put on an amazing show, again. I would drive 13 hours to see them any day. Hopefully again next year!

Made it to Houston!

Made it to Houston!

It rained off and on the whole drive today, but I'm here! 😁

Ready for the show and to spend time with some friends! 😊

I made it to Texas.

I made it to Texas. Not all the way to Houston yet, though.

The air is so freakin' WET.  Gross. 😂😂😂

So Colorado is really pretty.

So Colorado is really pretty. I didn't know; this was my first time there. The mountains are really nice and the landscape is interesting. I love that there are lava dikes and mounds. It's so cool to see geological features like that right in your face.  (That's one reason why I love New Mexico so much!)  It's also interesting to see preserved dinosaur tracks!

Our 2nd day, we went to Dinosaur Ridge and did the bus tour and checked out the museum.  It was really crazy to see actual dinosaur footprints.  I don't think our photos are going to do it justice; it's not as easy to see the tracks in bright sun in person, much less via photo. But it was a really fun experience and I'd love to take the kids one day.

They let me dig in the sandbox for fossils - they said I was short enough. 😂  Shaun found one from afar (it wasn't even buried) and I found my own by digging. They let us keep them. Of course, they are just molds of real fossils, but it was still really cool.  I always want to do all of the things. 😁

Overall, it was a very neat experience.  It really put into perspective how small we all are; just here for a blip in time.  Earth has changed so much and continues to change, even though it happens so slowly we can't perceive it.  It blows my mind to think about it.  It made me feel insignificant and grateful at the same time.

I'm scheduling 2 posts for while I'm on the road...

I'm scheduling 2 posts for while I'm on the road so y'all won't miss me too much. As if I've been on here being sociable at all in the last month. 🫠

On the way to Colorado, Google had my back and took Shaun a different route than he'd planned to go, which took us right by the Colorado Gator Farm.  OF COURSE we had to stop.  Shaun said "This looks like a trap." because it was in the middle of nowhere, but I was like "They'd have gotten me!  Let's go!" 😂

Literally, feed me to alligators. I don't care. That would be an awesome way to go.

Anyway, they operate as a rescue / education center for reptiles.  They had all sorts of lizards and tortoises and snakes and we got to interact with quite a few of them.  They had a BUNCH of Sulcata tortoises that they had taken in because they're not easy pets. Everyone always thinks that turtles and/or tortoises will be easy, but then they find out the hard way that's not true. Even our hamburger-sized little Tort Baby is a bossy/sassy little butt.

We also got to hold a baby alligator and they gave us a certificate that they notarized with the baby gator's teeth.  It seemed a little rude to use his snout like a stapler, but I know it didn't hurt him.  I laughed when they did that because it caught me off guard. Who even thought to do that? 😂

Overall, they seemed really knowledgeable and like they took great care of the animals there. I would love to visit again when we have more time.

I watered the greenhouse since I'm gonna be away for a few days.

I watered the greenhouse since I'm gonna be away for a few days.

I got rid of mealy bugs only to have mice chewing their way in and eating my plants. I'm not gonna post pictures of the carnage, but I have ~60 plants heavily damaged, if not missing entirely. I'm really sad. Everyone was looking amazing and I'd really upped my care plan for the summer. This wasn't part of it.

Shaun installed some flashing around the bottom of the greenhouse today and hopefully that will keep them out. We're also going to put out a dish of water, because I know the little creatures are just trying to survive and I can't fault them for that.

Here are some happier pictures from last week. I had some pretty flowers, and my Monkey Tail cactus is finally making a pup.

Confession:

Confession:

I bought tickets to see Ca7riel & Paco Amoroso at Red Rocks.  That is why me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

That is not all I did.  I also bought tickets to see them in Houston - which is why I am leaving on Friday to trek 13 hours through the desert to my friend's house.  I did it last year and they were worth it, so I'm doing it again!

If I had a job and could've afforded to see them in Phoenix, I would've done that, too.  Not that I had money for either of the shows I bought tickets for, but my mental health has been shit and they are just about the only things that have sparked joy for me in the past year, so YOLO and all that.

I am very tired and have a lot to do before I head out on Friday morning, but this is how that went:

Red Rocks was beautiful.  The weather was amazing.  While we were in line waiting to get in for the concert, deer were just crossing next to the worker in front of us.  It was surreal!

I'd bought General Admission tickets, but the lady who let us in told us to sit in the planter... So we did! We had a much better view than we would have otherwise. We also were near the concession stand and not too far from the restrooms, so it was perfect!

There was supposed to be DJ PeeWee (Anderson Paak), but he wasn't there for some reason.  Thundercat was also an opener.  I don't really care for jazzy stuff and honestly I felt like "Just because you can play super fast doesn't mean it's good."  😂  His keyboard player looked really sad. Like really, really sad. Maybe he was just concentrating, but like, I was worried about him. His drummer was insane, though. Just a BEAST. I'm not thrilled about sitting through his set again, but I'll do it for Ca7riel y Paco.

Speaking of Ca7riel y Paco, they were amazing!  Red Rocks was the first stop of their North America tour, so they were relatively fresh compared to when I saw them last year.  The show did not disappoint.  They played their new songs, plus some older ones.  I was so happy and sang basically the whole time.  Ca7riel cried at least once; I love his soft heart.  Paco is looking fit and I hope he's feeling great, too.  I've only known about them for a little over a year at this point, but I'm so happy to see their dreams coming true.  Looking back at all the music they've made over the years, they've worked hard to get where they are and I am so, so happy for them.

If y'all didn't know, the new album has collabs with Anderson Paak (Ay Ay Ay), Sting (Hasta Jesús Tuvo un Mal Día), and Jack Black (Goo Goo Ga Ga).  They've also been featured on one of Robyn's new songs (Blow My Mind).

At the hotel

Deer Crossing!  There were 3, but I didn't catch the first on video.

In the planter

I went to check on the greenhouse...

I went to check on the greenhouse and found a mouse up in the plants. So that's at least one of the creatures eating them. I knew the bite marks looked rodent-y.

Some things that are troubling me:

Some things that are troubling me:

About 2 weeks ago, my Reddit account logged out.  I have not been able to log back in.  I submitted a ticket for help, but I still haven't received any help.  Also, now if I look up my account, it shows that it's banned.  For what, I have NO idea.

This has been very dysregulating.  I read myself to sleep every night on Reddit, so I was used to my feed being a certain way.  It was comforting.  I had saved a lot of posts with useful information.  I had a 700-something day streak.  I loved it.

I basically had to start over and try to re-create my feed.  It's still not like it was.  It still feels very "off" - like it's a bizarro universe and it makes me really sad.  I am still hopeful that I will get some help with my original account, but the hope is fading.  I don't know what to do.

I also haven't been spending too much time in the greenhouse, but the last two times I went out there, many of my plants had been chewed or completely eaten.  I don't know who is doing it, but Shaun put the camera back out there to see if we could catch whoever it is.  We don't know if it's birds or rodents or what, so we don't know how to stop it.  We do close the doors at night, but leave the top windows open for ventilation.  We might have to put up some screens, I guess.  I don't know.  But it's got me really sad.  Whole plants are missing.  Like they've either been devoured on the spot or uprooted and taken. 😭😭😭

Last thing (for now):  I'm too soft and Adrian ended up back in my room. Shaun's going to move her out and acclimate her to the living room/other cats while I'm away. I hope it's successful. I need a space to myself. If it doesn't work while I'm gone, then it can't be done. Shaun is great with cats and less of a pushover than I am right now.

I overextended myself yesterday.

I overextended myself yesterday.  I ended up exhausted and went to bed so early, then woke up in the middle of the night (peri peeps, y'all know the 3/4 am wakeup call.  It's a hormonal thing that turns us into werecougars.)  I usually just read myself back to sleep, but I was literally having dark thoughts and spiraling.

I feel only slightly better today.  I talked to Shaun and told him I need him out of the house sometimes.  I just need literal solitude.  My background processes don't stop listening for him or thinking about him when he's here.  I don't quite know the logistics of how he's different than the animals or the child I raised, but he is.  Shadow and the pets can be background.  Kira sleeps most of the day and tends to stay upstairs, but can definitely be a demand sometimes.  She's a gray area because I still view her as a kid even though I didn't fully raise her.  But Shaun is like a best friend that never leaves my house.  Just isolating in my bedroom is not helping me recover.  Don't get me wrong; sometimes I definitely need that, but it alone is not enough.

Thankfully, he has been looking for work outside of our home, and he's had a few good leads.  Maybe something will come through soon.  Also, he didn't take offense when I told him that I never get to miss him.  He understands.

We also had a talk about showing affection.  I have never been a hugger.  I'm actually not big on being touched.  Growing up, I didn't receive affection that way and most of the touch I received was violent in nature.  So I generally don't enjoy having hands coming towards me at all.  But when we started dating, I hugged Shaun.  I wanted to touch him and that was what people did, so I did it, too.  And I did enjoy it.  It's easy when things are new.

But now that's not the case and it's no one's fault.  His shirt is always covered in cat hair because that is our life right now, so when I hug him my face goes right into that.  It's a sensory nightmare.  I also don't like my face being smushed, but due to our height difference, my face goes right under/between his pecs.  Sometimes if I actually want to hug him, I just go under his shirt and that's better.  His chest hair doesn't stick to my face like cat hair.  So for years, I've just been doing this thing that I don't get anything out of because he seemed to need it and I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.  Not like that, anyway.

If he's sitting and I'm standing, I greatly prefer those hugs.  His face is on my chest, and my face isn't getting smushed or haired.  I can enjoy those.  We haven't figured out how he can physically show me affection in a way that I will like yet; I don't like to be massaged or petted or anything like that.  I like it when we touch legs while hanging out.  That feels like not an attack.  Head bonks are cool.  I also like sitting next to each other, like a cuddle - like what cats and dogs do with us.  I don't know, but I don't feel like that's as big a deal right now as me letting go of the daily "demand" (of course he doesn't actually demand them; it's just a thing that I felt like I was supposed to do) of hugs that I don't like.

I feel like the worst partner.  I don't know why he likes me.  Even when I was (unknowingly) fully masking at the beginning of our relationship, I know I wasn't an easy person.  My mental health has only gotten worse/more complicated over the years, and he's still here, still putting in the work, still not taking any offense to anything I need to say - no matter how insensitive it may seem.  I feel very lucky, but also very confused.  Like, I don't get why anyone would choose the mess that I am, but whatever floats his goat, I guess.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days. (More on that later.)

It was fun and hotel sleeping without a cat on my head was glorious (yes, moving Adrian downstairs FAILED).

But we got home yesterday and I immediately had to go to bed because I'd had zero alone time for 3 days.

Later this week I'm driving 13 hours through the desert and I am looking forward to those 13 hours like you wouldn't believe. Nobody can see me. Nobody can ask me for anything. Nobody can even talk to me if I don't want it.

Sometimes I worry that living with my husband was the wrong move. We do have separate spaces to retreat to, but either I'm so deep in burnout that being perceived is a stressor, or we just should've kept separate houses like we did for the first 10 years. I'm giving it until the dogs die (hopefully no time soon) before making any decisions or changes to our living situation, but...

Damn, it's hard.

Shaun is so great and I love him all the way. He is not doing anything wrong. It's just me. I'm built different and I feel like a terrible person and terrible partner because of it.

I'm still not feeling super social, but...

I'm still not feeling super social, but I'm starting to feel agitation from unread/unreplied-to notifications.  So if I respond to something you messaged or commented to me weeks ago, I apologize, but it is what it is.

On another note:

I love you.  Hang in there.  💙

Edited to add:  I got the comments knocked out.  Don't have the energy for whole messages yet.  But maybe this is a sign of return to personhood.  We will see.

Me...

Me, as young as I can remember, communicating with, understanding, and befriending animals.  They always say what they mean.

Me, in kindergarten, writing to the middle of the page with my left hand, and then switching to my right to finish out the page because I wanted things to be fair.

Me, in grade school, wondering if I would ever have friends whose parents weren't friends with my parents first.

Me, at 15 on my first trip to Six Flags, wondering why I hated having fun.

Me, in my teens, watching people succumb to peer pressure while remaining impervious to it.

Me, in my early 20s, deciding that I was done participating in the cycle of removing my body hair.  If men didn't have to, then I didn't, either.

Me, in my early 20s, figuring out that shaving my head made it easier to medicate/control my psoriasis, and that having skin flakes in long hair was a sensory nightmare I no longer had to endure.

Me, in my early 20s, finally out on my own, starting to struggle with schedules and routines and wondering how everyone else did it.

Me, in my late 20s, watching my 6th grade child set an alarm, shower, and catch the bus by himself because I wasn't a reliable, on-time, ride to school.

Me, in my 30s, looking back at the cycle of go hard/burn out, feeling like a broken person because "Why am I like this?"

Me, in my 30s, feeling the weight of everything crash down.  Full-blown depression, nothing in life accomplished, and barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis.  Heavily dependent on antidepressants, and Shaun body-doubling my life to drag me out of that hell.

Me, in my 40s, burned out.  Exhausted.  Confused.  Autistic.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm. Just had a breakfast of 1/2 of an Impossible Whopper and a few sips of Dr. Pepper - definitely not my morning routine. Definitely not the kind of meals I usually eat.

I'm in a funk.

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood...

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood, but I'm getting there - baby-step by baby-step.

I have been trying to prioritize self-care and doing things I love.  I did some basic nail care the other day, as well as watered my plants (a little later than I wanted to, but they're ok).  I have still been resting a lot.  Still not making plans.  Just existing and trying to find my way back.

This afternoon while I was doing my "morning" routine, Shaun asked me for help with something.  It was simple and he could handle it and my routine is important, so I told him I wanted to have my (freshly made) tea right then.  I wasn't opposed to helping him later if he still needed it (he didn't)(also, it wasn't an urgent task), but there was nothing wrong with protecting my routine since it helps me start my day.  I always knew I hated to be disturbed when I'm DOING A THING, like my routine, but I never realized how actually dysregulating it was.

I didn't grow up being able to say "No", and I've carried that with me my whole life.  It made me into a people-pleaser (even though I know that wasn't the intent).  Anytime anyone asks me for something, whether it's my time or money or work or sympathy or attention or anything, I usually just drop what I'm doing and say "Yes."  It never mattered if I wanted to; other people's wants came first.  It didn't matter if it caused me distress; saying "No" often caused more.  So now I'm working HARD to undo that.

Shaun and Kira were talking earlier while I was trying to work on something, and after a bit it started to bother me.  I said "I'm starting to feel overstimulated.  I need some quiet."  Kira said ok and went upstairs.  I told Shaun to kiss me goodnight and go away.  And he did and I was happy about it.

I am thankful that the 3 people I spend the most time around are not offended by this.  I am thankful that they understand my preferred style of communication, and respect my communicated needs.  I think they are exactly who I need to keep practicing with until I'm confident enough to be more myself, more often.  The real challenge is going to be not fawning outside of this house.

This is how I'm doing.  This is me, unmasking.  This is me, not putting myself last.

It feels weird, but I'm not going to stop.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.  But I'm gonna have a ramble because it helps me.  I know I have messages and comments waiting for my response, and I will get to them when I have more energy.  I'm still functioning in battery saver mode.

I watered all of my greenhouse plants today.  Adding an extra watering tray and bucket made it possible to get that done in one afternoon, so that's nice.  I know that sounds like an energetic activity, but it was supposed to be done on Sunday (rather than today, Tuesday); today was just 1) the first time I was out of bed early enough in the day to do it, and 2) the first time I felt like I could move my body that much.  My succulents are a special interest of mine, so it gives me some dopamine to go out there and just exist with them.  Also, the weather was really great.

I have a bunch of plants on my potting desk that need to be taken care of.  I thought about tackling those today, too, but... I've realized that I spend my energy like a poor person spends money.  (I both grew up and raised a child below the poverty line, so I literally know what it's like.)  That is, to say:  I use it (energy/money) when I have it.  But much like money, if I always spend what I have, how do I ever build up a reserve?  Speaking physically, how do I store up enough energy to climb out of this damn hole?

While I'm over here trying to navigate the Autistic burnout I've found myself in, I've learned that I struggle with poor interoception.  If I can't even tell when I have to use the bathroom before it's a peemergency, how am I supposed to know what my energy level is?  Because I definitely do not.  And I will tell you now that looking back over my adult life, I have consistently worked in cycles of go hard/burn out.  It doesn't matter if it's cleaning the house or a project or a hobby or what... I will find a way to not approach the task with balance.

What's messed up is that it's not intentional.  Yes, the feeling of getting something done after a "go hard" feels great.  People are like "Wow, you did so much!"  And I did!  And it's done!  But the crash after sucks, and it's getting harder to recover from as I age.  Slow and steady is NOT fun for me.  It is NOT rewarding.  It is boring.  I like getting one thing done and then moving onto the next.  But society doesn't function that way, and in order to fit into society in some capacity (like hold a job so I can support myself), I have to do things in ways that do not feel natural to me.

If it was acceptable to create an app in 6 weeks and then ONLY rest for the next 6 weeks, I'd probably be ok.  But society expects constant output.  I do have a family and pets and friends.  I have a house and yard and job (and up until last week, school, as well).  All of those things come with demands on my time and energy, so there is no pure rest for 6 weeks.  Therefore, I can't let my battery get this low again.

Maybe it will be healthier in the long run to budget my energy; I really don't know.  But what I do know is that I don't know how to tell how much energy I do have; really, I can only tell when I'm definitely out, so this is tricky as shit.  1 energy could = 1 million energy as far as I know.  Either I feel like doing things or I do not, just like I either have to pee or I do not.

Anyway.  I think I'm going to bed.  Whatever my energy budget was for the day, I definitely spent some, so I'd better go replenish it before I accidentally overdraw (again).

If y'all have any tips for me on how to tell how I feel, I'd love for you to share.  I can use all of the help I can get!

💙