Life Update:
Shaun got a job that he has to leave the house to go to. I was unsure if it was doing me any good to have time unperceived until I just caught myself badly singing at more than a whisper. So I guess I do feel a bit more free for some hours per week now, which is nice.
I feel like I have a thing that has been nagging at me for many years, but I haven't been able to put into words. I'm gonna try it now, so bear with me as I stumble through this. I don't know where this came from, but I feel like I feel (for me, anyway) that my partner is supposed to be impressed by me; that they should always see me at my best.
Obviously, that is not reality. Shaun has seen me vomit so hard I peed myself. He's seen me through MANY a mental breakdown. He's literally been here with me (for almost 20 years at this point) through the good, the bad, and the ugly. He is the most solid person I've ever had in my life.
But there are many things that I feel reserved about doing in his presence. I don't really sing, dance, or try to improve myself/my physical skills when he is perceiving me. To explain further, he would like to work out/exercise together. I don't want to do that because he "should" only see the results of my efforts in that case, not my efforts. I don't tap or drum on things because it is not something I practice anymore, and I don't want him to see how hard I have to try in order to "get it right;" I'd rather he just see/hear me do it and think it's good.
I feel like this hearkens back to the day of women waking up early and doing hair and makeup before their husbands wake up for the day. Despite not having a husband, I was doing this shit in elementary school. I would get up at 5 am to hot-roll my hair and put on makeup. I spent many years sleeping uncomfortably on curlers and painting my face despite how bad it felt on my psoriasis because I only wanted to be perceived "at my best." When I had my son at 17, things started dropping from my routine because, well, priorities. I still wore makeup and put some effort into my hair, but not as much; I think not long after having him is the first time I cut my hair above my shoulders. It was maybe 7 years later that I stopped shaving my body hair and ended up shaving my head. I never felt ok with the inconsistency of being perceived in makeup with hair done and shaven versus how I exist naturally. I'm guessing it's the Autism with the yes/no, on/off, black/white extremes, but I felt that if you were EVER going to see me in my "undone" state, then you should ALWAYS see me that way.
Shaun had definitely seen me un-made because when we met, I was working as a pet bather at PetSmart and I did not wear makeup for that job. But I started working at the same place as him and wore makeup to work one day because I wanted him to think I was pretty, and he pointed it out (just in an observational way). So I was caught - he remembered that I wasn't as pretty as I was trying to pretend to be, so I literally have never worn makeup since that day. (I know how that sounds, but honestly, no shade and no shame to people who wear makeup; this is entirely a me-thing that I am trying to work through.) Don't get me wrong - dropping it from my routine was a HUGE relief. I never felt good at it. I never enjoyed doing it. I hated the way it felt on my skin. I hated the tugging and the touching of putting it on. I hated having to remove it. I was glad to be done. I was very happy to be able to exist in consistency and have that be enough.
But there are things that I am not good at. I'm not a good singer or dancer. In band, some of the drummers could just bust out with great rhythms and I'm sure they practiced away from me, but I only saw the fruits of their labor. For me, I had to practice a ton just to get the basics. So these are the things that I keep to myself or only do when unperceived, although I find them to be fun.
I am also not as physically fit as I used to be, or as fit as I'd like to be. Shaun has always been in great shape; I swear when we met, he looked like a Greek statue. Even though he's gained some weight over the years, he carries it so well because of how tall and muscular he is. If he wants to lose weight, he is just more mindful of what he eats. Meanwhile, I'd already had a child when we met. I bounced back pretty well because of my age and activity level, but I felt that the changes to my body were still obvious, especially on my belly and breasts. When I started gaining weight (due to stress, bad healthcare, Shaun taking me out to eat frequently, etc.), it was impossible to lose. I tried counting calories and have a journal of what I'd eat in a day. I was miserable. I tried fasting. Fasting felt good, but I was inconsistent and always went overboard on eat days. It wasn't until getting thyroid medication and starting a GLP-1 that I felt I could actually have any sort of control over my weight.
I do want and need to start strength training for my bone health and because I'm sure I'd look a lot better and I've never really known what it's like to feel physically strong and that sounds fun, but I feel like this is a situation I'd need a class or mentor for. I have tried a few times alone over the years and don't want to do it by myself. I can't stay motivated. But put me in a class? Yeah, I'm gonna try to ace it.
It's so stupid because Shaun is literally right here and has experience with building muscle, but I want to look good FOR him, not with him. 😅 I fucking hate this. Why do I care if he sees me struggle? It wouldn't be the first time, but he usually sees me struggling mentally, not physically. Also, when I'm home, I'm relaxing. I don't want to work out here. And I don't want to go to a gym with him. If I'm hanging out with him, I want to have fun, not be doing work. He is my relaxing space. It doesn't feel nice to have him push me, I think. Yeah, I definitely don't like it when he has expectations of me. It feels gross and frustrating. I want to already be enough/good enough. And it's not like he ever (intentionally) does anything that makes me feel like I'm not, but entering into a learning situation is literally saying "I'm not enough. I'm not where I want to be. Teach me." and that is an ok space to be vulnerable and improve. So yeah, I don't want him to see me that way, and I don't really know how to change that. I also feel like I don't have very much control over my body, in a way. Like, never once have I been able to make a physical change that I wanted to happen, happen, so it almost feels pointless to even try.
So, all this is to say that I do still mask around him/when he's home, but far less than I do with anyone else. It still costs me energy to do it, so hopefully having him gone to work will allow me to slow/stop the constant small energy leak while I work with my therapist on just taking the damn thing off for good. I don't know. But as usual, I'm a work in progress.
