Today has been pretty good.

Today has been pretty good.

I visited a friend this morning, and didn't even have to lay down about it after I got home.  I did nap this afternoon, but that was unrelated.  It was just rest.

We went to a thrift store, and I didn't buy anything.  I am usually very impulsive in shopping situations, but I didn't even have to try hard not to be.  I just kind of... wasn't.

When I was getting ready to leave to see my friend, I took some trash from my room to the dumpster.  It had been in a bag, waiting for me to take it down, for over a week.  If it had been effortless to do it before, I would have done it before.  Today, it was.  And I did.

This is crazy.

I've been a little headache-y this afternoon/evening, but our AC downstairs isn't working and Shaun seems to have the flu, (which I am desperately trying not to catch), so besides the stress of those things and my meds wearing off from this morning, I think that is understandable.  Also, I keep taking my glasses off because it feels like my eyes are changing again, so that could have something to do with it, as well.

I wanted to do my nails today and devote tomorrow to my plants, but I don't know if it's going to happen.  It's already 8:30 and I don't know if I want to start nails this late when I should be keeping an eye on my schedule.  It would be really better for me to be waking up at 6 rather than 8 since I have to leave the house for my internship...

Which, btw, went quite well.  To me, it was a very good week.  I really liked all of the people I met, and I am excited about the project I'm working on.  There are possibly some open positions that will be available soon, so I am hoping that they decide to keep me.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now.  Tl;dr:  Ritalin is life-changing, AC busted, Shaun sick, internship good.

💙💙💙

Y'ALL.

Y'ALL.

I had my breakfast, as usual.

THEN, I took out the trash, took out the recycling, emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it, refilled the soap dispenser, and fed the tortoise (none of which were emergencies).

Poor Shaun usually handles the day stuff because my brain is always in panic mode trying to do the "novel" tasks (building apps, taking classes, etc.). If left to my own devices, those things would hit critical mass before I could tackle them.

But not today!

Shaun's not feeling well which is why these things weren't already done when I woke up. And even when he's not feeling well I usually struggle to support him.

But today, it was all but effortless.

I really feel like I'm on my way to being my best self.

I've always been the sleepiest motherfucker in the land...

I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.

I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.

I did feel a bit tight in the chest and kind of warm (when I usually run cold) earlier in the day, but that has pretty much faded.

For the last week-10 days or so, on advice of my therapist, I have been playing puzzle games in books rather than on my phone. For one, I used to do that with my MaMaw a lot, so it feels nice to be doing that again. For two, it's been a way to keep my mind engaged without doom-scrolling and getting distracted on the internet.

I have some observations:

1)  I am able to focus better and don't have to recount the numbers on Sudoku repeatedly to make sure I can tell what's missing.

2)  I have made a few mistakes on the Sudoku puzzles, but instead of going to the back of the book to get it straightened out, I have been able to figure it out myself. That has never happened before in my life, and I've been doing these since childhood. Once I'm confused, I either need help or to start over. So I feel that I am more able to follow the threads in my mind, if that makes sense?  Due to being able to hold things in my mind, I have already been solving the puzzles better and faster with fewer mistakes, and seeing other patterns and logic that I never saw before.

3)  Using breathing to help with the physical anxiety... if that's what's the chest tightness is called? I used to hate when people would advise me to breathe in and out. It would literally piss me off! It's like, "Now I have to think about something that my body does involuntarily?!" And it never relaxed any part of me that needed relaxing. But for the chest tightness today, it does feel nice and it does help.

4)  I needed to use the bathroom and went before it was an emergency BECAUSE I COULD FEEL IT BEFORE IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. On the way up the stairs, I took up some towels that needed to go up because I wasn't rushing because I wasn't having an emergency.  I also ended a text conversation with Shaun because I wanted to, and did it before I was irritated and rude to him.  I can feel things before they are critical.

5)  In general, I feel a bit more calm. Like, if I don't act on my thoughts in the moment, it's ok, because I'll be able to recall them. They feel less fleeting, I guess?

6)  I was able to watch an episode of TV with Shaun without scrolling or working on something else or falling asleep.

7)  I think I relaxed?  I reclined in the chair, shut my eyes, and I don't know if I fell asleep.  But I was able to just... rest?  Guilt free?  Without anxiety?

It's been an emotional rollercoaster.  I have felt relief.  I have felt anger.  I have felt sorrow.  I have ugly-cried so many times today.

I love logic and puzzles and math and computer science, but to learn those things, I've relied heavily on pattern-recognition and repetition.  But that doesn't cut it on more complex issues.  I hated math proofs.  I suck at coding.  And now I'm wondering what would happen if I tried those things again?  What could I learn?  What could I do?

Getting through college was so incredibly hard.  I suffered.  Like, a lot.  I cared so much, and I did my best, and I had mental breakdown after mental breakdown from 2015-2020.  It meant SO MUCH for me to graduate and get a job and try to pull us out of poverty.  It felt like life or death.  The stakes were high.  And now I look back and I'm like "That could have been a lot easier.  And I could have gotten more out of it."

I'm not going to dwell on things.  There is no one to even blame.  Had my teachers or parents noticed that I was struggling (which was unlikely due to how hard I masked), girls/women weren't usually treated for ADHD when I was growing up.  As a young adult, I never had insurance to get myself tested or medicated, nor did I even suspect that I was doing life on Hard Mode.

I don't really know what else to say.  I'm going to allow myself to grieve.  It's valid.  It hurts.  But I'm going to try to put my newfound focus into my career.  I'm just going to keep pushing forward like I always do... because really, what else is there to be done?

Fucking weeping.

Fucking weeping.

Straight up sobbing.

OMG.

It's been an eventful week.

It's been an eventful week.

To go from resting and doing housework and teaching part-time and working on my app when I feel like it, to having expectations of being a place, looking decent, and doing things 5-days a week, plus still teaching is a big change.  I've been EXHAUSTED.

On top of that, I got myself stranded on Wednesday.  My little EV ran out of energy.  I don't know if I was just goofy and didn't shut the door all the way or it didn't charge fully then night before or what, but by lunch time I thought I was probably in trouble.  I did make it to a charging station, but one that didn't work with my car.  I had to get towed.  But, I made a friend!  The super nice guy who towed me home let me ride home in the truck with him.  He was really chill and we just chatted the whole way.  It was nice.  Probably one of the best "I'm stranded" experiences I've ever had, and that's saying something because I've had A LOT.  🫠

Last night, the kids packed the freezer too full and it couldn't circulate air, so a bunch of the food melted and had to be tossed.  It was an accident and I don't think they'll do it again.  The freezer needed a good cleaning out, anyway, but it sucks that they lost some food they had just bought.

Also, our modem or something died last night, so I have a hotspot on so I can be on my laptop momentarily.  I don't really know what's going on, but I'm too tired to care.  😅  I am REALLY grateful for the long weekend because I need it.  Gotta catch up on my rest to be ready for another week.  Plus, I need to try out the ADHD meds and see if they help me or make me weird or what.

Goodnight, y'all.  I am D.O.N.E.

The ADHD test...

It opened this time!

It opened this time! How exciting!

The first day of the internship went well!

The first day of the internship went well!

I met so many people today. I walked more than I expected to and got some heel blisters. I had on sunblock and still got some sun. But I made it through the day! I came home, had a nap, then held office hours for class. Then I had dinner and now I'm getting ready for bed.

Everyone was super welcoming to us, and the people I interacted with communicated very straightforwardly, so I feel like this is going to be a great 12 weeks for me. I don't know if I'm cut out for corporate work or not, but I do know I felt very comfortable discussing ideas and asking questions right away. In general, I say what I need to say and try to be as polite as possible, but sometimes I feel that I'm too straightforward for professional environments, and I didn't feel that way today. 

We got a good understanding of what our goal/project is for these 12 weeks. We're working in ServiceNow, and I'm so glad to be getting back into some dev work. We don't have access to our laptops yet, but I'm ready to dive in!

I'm very excited to see how our project is going to turn out. I feel like it's going to be hard for me not to hyperfocus on it, but at least I am interested. That should keep me going for a while. I still have my ADHD results appointment (at least I hope that's what it is) on Thursday, so if I need to try meds or anything like that, then at least I will have my interest as backup. 😂

I am still really hoping that there is medication that can help me function in a more level way, without relying on hyperfocus, novelty, or cortisol. But until we get that worked out, I think I'll be ok.

Anyway, I'm heading to bed. I'm exhausted and have a decently long commute, so I have to get up early. Thank you all for the well-wishes today!

💙💙💙

Heading to bed.

A few more flowers from today. They are showing out! 😊

A few more flowers from today. They are showing out! 😊

Some flowers and buds today. 😊

Some flowers and buds today. 😊

I'm excited to have caught the white flower. I've missed it every other time it has bloomed. Also, my Huernia Zebrina has two flowers for the first time.

I'm hoping to see the two buds bloom. The larger one has budded twice, but it fell off before blooming both times. The smaller bud is the first I've had from that plant, so it would be very exciting to see it open.

Happy Birthday to my favorite Husbang!

Happy Birthday to my favorite Husbang! (It doesn't matter that he's the only one I've ever had; he's still my favorite!) 🥰

He's been trying to relax since he got off work, but we have a little thunderstorm coming through, so he's on Papa duty with Cub. Cub ain't about going through a storm un-medicated and un-cuddled. 😂

I checked a couple of things off my to-do list.

Not the app stuff, because I've been stress-headaching all day... but stuff that required less brain power. It still counts.

It's 2-something in the morning...

It's 2-something in the morning, so probably no one will see this.  That's ok.  I'm just having a little ramble.

It's confirmed:  I start my Internship on Monday the 31st.  I'll be doing dev work in ServiceNow, and it'll be nice to be hands-on again.  I will be full-time, in person, until November.  Hopefully, it will lead to employment after that.  I am excited.  Also, I have some really nice professional clothing that I likely won't have a chance to wear outside of working, so I'm excited to be able to wear it.

I won't have my ADHD evaluation results until after the Internship starts, but I can survive on the novelty of something new and the adrenaline of being in-person for a bit.  I would like for things to be easier while functioning in a "normal" sort of way... like, a way that won't burn me out, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

I do have some anxiety; I tend to have imposter syndrome big time.  Also, I was like "UGH, I hope I don't work with anyone that skeets their feet."  If you don't know what that means, just be glad that sounds don't hurt you and you don't have to worry about things like that.  As much as I'd like to talk about it, I learned growing up that if you showed a weakness it would be used against you, so I'm not giving more details than that.

Since I'm not in my "retail therapy" era (anymore), I'm over here feeling a bit more calm and like I'm making progress on my really long list of things that, IF accomplished, would make me feel like I have my shit together.  So that is something.

I deep cleaned two bathrooms recently.  The third one belongs to Shadow and Kira and they can handle that.  Shaun's usually the scrubber and I'm usually the de-clutter-er, but with him working as much as he is, I stepped up because it was bothering me.

I know it's not the most elegant solution, but the downstairs bathroom is small, so I got an over-the-toilet shelf to hold towels and extra toilet paper, etc.  The under-sink cabinet in there was stuffed, and I really hate running out of tissue.  The issue with the shelf is that a towel bar was mounted above the toilet because it's next to the shower.  But also, the area in front of the toilet is next to the shower, as well.  But that is where the hand towel loops are, so you have to turn around from the sink to dry your hands.

Anyway, I took the towel bar down so I could put up my shelf.  Maybe tomorrow I will take the hand towel loops down and put them to the right of the sink and move the towel bar to where the loops were.  I know this is not interesting to read, but that was not the best use of space and it really started to bother me once I noticed it.  I am also now bothered because the toilet and shower/tub are white, but the sink is beige marble.  I never noticed that before.  We're not planning on doing any renovations anytime soon, but when we do, that is now on my radar.

Still on bathrooms, I also cleaned the one in our bedroom.  Part of that consisted of repotting my Monstera in there into a semi-hydro setup because I was tired of dirt coming out of the pots every time I watered them, and they are thirsty AF.  So that is much better.  Also, do y'all close your toilets before you flush?  You absolutely should.  Look up "toilet spray."

Anyway, I've done some errands, done some plant stuff, decluttered a bit, and did my nails.  I haven't painted them yet, but I plan to before Monday.

In general, I felt that we were pretty organized, but I discovered a box of cotton swabs after I'd already bought another box.  I find that to be really annoying.  So I think now I'm entering my "less is more" era.  We ordered pizza again the other day.  We've had one dinner date (me and Shaun), and we'll probably go out to eat on Sunday because Shaun's birthday is Saturday, but he works until 6 on Saturday and now I'll be working starting Monday, so that will be our only chance.  But what I'm trying to say is that we've been very good about not spending money on stuff or going out, and I'm proud of us.

Since starting work, Shaun has lost weight.  He never looked too big to me because he's muscular and tall, but he's 215 lbs, down from 240ish.  It's just because he's up moving and not sitting around snacking, I guess.  I hate that that doesn't work for me.  🫠  I'm basically microdosing compounded Semaglutide to maintain at 125, which is still a little heavier than I want to be, but oh well.  Maybe me working full time will help, but I don't see it happening.  Not to be negative; it's just never been simple for me or made sense to me before, so I don't see why it would change now.

The only other thing I plan to do before starting the internship is push some app updates.  I have some good feedback from the live Beta tests.  So that, and nail polish.  Oh, and a hair trim.  I'm a mess.

I've also been thinking pretty heavy about doing some press-ons for Halloween.  If I'm gonna do that, I should start my designs soon.  I feel pretty ok to do that now; before, I was too overwhelmed.  We'll see.

Anyway, if you read this:  WHY?!  😆😆😆

I kind of hate when I post long updates with too many subjects, but pretty often I just don't have the energy to write something (so I don't do it frequently), and I'm not always in a thoughtful mood, and social media can be a chore/demand on my time, and I don't know.  I'm just trying to live.

But I hope y'all are doing well.  I love you and I miss you.  Write back soon.  💙

Glochids. 🫠

Glochids. 🫠

Me and Shaun just finished watching

Me and Shaun just finished watching the last episode of American Horror Story:  NYC.

If you've seen it, then you know about the ending, with the long, repetitive music and scenes with Gino.

I'd asked Shaun to turn it down about 3 times, which he did. But I was still getting really irritated by it and said "This is so fucking repetitive and annoying!"

Meanwhile, Shaun was really moved by it; almost to tears when my exclamation made him laugh.

He looked online to see why there was such a departure this season from the rest of the AHS series, and came across a lot of people who said it was a very powerful scene and a favorite of theirs.

Honestly, things like this have happened to me all of my life and I never knew why. I guess the Autism explains it.

I was awake until around 3 this morning...

I was awake until around 3 this morning because hyperfocus. Woke up around 4 pm today. It's only 6 and I've already dozed off again, and still want to sleep more.

This isn't even unusual.

I'm definitely going to see a doctor about this.

I appreciate everyone's comments and messages...

I appreciate everyone's comments and messages, and I apologize that I haven't responded to any of them yet. I will get there; I just have to get up some energy.

I've been stressed almost to death. I've been waking up with tension headaches and migraines. I think I cracked the code last night, though.

Adrian (our little kitty) has been downstairs since June after living in my bedroom for 5 years. I really needed a space to sleep without interruption and cat hair, though, and her little self body-slams me to cuddle in the night.

Well, she's been stressed about being downstairs. There have been some cat squabbles, but we thought that was just them adjusting; it's been pretty normal in our experience that settling in takes some time.

However, she recently has been hiding and I even have had to carry her physically to the litter box. I think I was picking up the tension because last night before I even went to bed or had a plan (we'd already removed all of the cat stuff from the room and even sold the catio), I took her upstairs. She had been looking miserable and the other cats were tense, and I just couldn't do it anymore. And today I didn't wake up in pain.

I know that's not the only thing I've been stressed about, but I do feel relieved and she seemed VERY happy to be back in my room. She was rolling everywhere and purring and her tail was floofed up. 😂 It made my heart happy. All of the cats are older and deserve peace in their final years. I feel a lot better.

Other than that, I've been busy working on www.polishallthethings.com. The app is a subdomain there, and now my nail art blog is integrated, so everything is together. That feels nice. I still have work to do, but I am at a point where I feel like I can rest for a minute.

Also, I had a computerized ADHD assessment this morning. I will get my results in 2 weeks. They had a noise machine in the room that sounded like water running, probably for the privacy of the other patients. I don't know if that was part of the test, but I put my earplugs in so I could think. Hopefully, I didn't nerf myself.

I'm starting to wonder if like... I'm not ok.

I'm starting to wonder if like... I'm not ok.

For last last 2 weeks or so, I've been waking up with a tension headache or migraine about half the days.

Yes, I'm stressed... But just about stuff I want to get done. Nothing life-altering. I'm slowly, but surely doing things. But I don't know what to do with the stress. I don't know how to not wake up in pain so bad it gives me nausea.