Ooh, I am sore today!

Ooh, I am sore today! I think from the falls I took yesterday. My neck and shoulders hurt, which is probably from catching myself when falling.

For the last few weeks, my hips and knees have been hurting again. I think it's due to Psoriatic Arthritis. The Psoriasis on my skin has been pretty itchy and flaky, although it hasn't been too much of a nuisance in years. So... I've got a referral to a rheumatologist. I am going to look into starting treatment again. I can live with skin inflammation, but I really need to protect my bones.

So, I'm feeling pretty rough physically today. I'm definitely not skating this weekend, even though I really want to. I think I'm going to do some chores and take it easy.

I hope you all are having a nice weekend. Mine is going well, all things considered. 😊❤️❤️❤️

I'm stressed. And sad. And tired.

I'm stressed. And sad. And tired.

I'm about to get some sleep.

This is the last week of the bootcamp. I think we're officially done coding on Wednesday, then we have Thursday to work on our presentations... which is kind of a big deal because there will be employers there.

I ate too much junk food because of my birthday and I've got the inflammation to prove it. Psoriasis on my face before this presentation? Sure, why not. I will try to eat clean this week and hope it helps.

I did some retail therapy at like, 3 this morning. We don't have extra money right now, but I bought myself two pairs of skates. I haven't skated in at least a year. 😬😭 I miss it and I dream about it all the time. But Bear doesn't like the sound, so doing it at home is out of the question. When I was working, I found it hard to get to the skate park. After I was laid off, it wasn't on my mind. But after I started this bootcamp, I really started craving an outlet and some alone time, so that's probably why I've been dreaming about it. I love to put on some earbuds and just ride my feet.

For what it's worth, I bought both pairs from ebay. They are barely used - seriously, the wheels aren't even dirty. 😳 I got them half off of retail, and one pair even comes with an extra set of wheels. 😳😳😳 They're both a larger size than my current outdoor Chaya Melrose skates, so hopefully they'll be more comfortable. One reason I stopped skating so much was because those skates made my feet go to sleep after a while, so that's probably not a good sign. 😂

I told Shaun today that I shopped, and he was like "Happy Birthday, I guess." 😂 He's so patient with me.

But also, I'm probably gonna sell my Chaya Melrose skates. They're in super great condition; I just feel strongly that they belong on smaller feet. I did measure my foot the way all of the videos said to before I bought them, but my feet are wide and the narrow toe box never loosened up enough. 🤷🏻

Anyway. I was just having a ramble to clear my mind so I can sleep.

Wish me luck. It's a big week.

❤️❤️❤️

I know that I'm talking too much tonight and I don't care.

I know that I'm talking too much tonight and I don't care.  I'm not even a little bit sorry.  😁

I've been eating like crap and I feel it in my skin and my bones.  I am feeling a slight amount of stress at work because of how busy I am.  Stress and bad diet flare up my psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis.  I have to do better.

I work from home so I usually roll out of bed right before work and get to it.  Then I work until 6, hang out with Shaun and the fam and watch our shows and play my games, then go to bed.

We sometimes walk the dogs or swim or do light yard work, but there is no actual exercising in my daily routine, even though the doctor who prescribed me hormones also told me to walk daily and start strength training.  This also has to change since I do my job sitting.

I have a treadmill on the way and it's going in my bedroom.  I am feeling a strong urge to reclaim some of my morning hours before work to exercise and meal-prep.  Shaun and I used to walk around the neighborhood, but that's a whole "take the dogs, get dressed, put on sunscreen and carry water" ordeal.  It feels like too many barriers.

I REALLY, REALLY enjoyed going to the new gym at JSU.  I would get on the treadmill, put on some music, and just walk.  I'm a band nerd, so I walked to the rhythm - but I walked.  I've noticed that although I enjoy music I don't listen to it in my daily life.  I can't while I work, I can't while I watch TV, I mostly just don't have the time.  So I think that I could do that while I walk on the treadmill in the morning and that would be nice.

I really miss skating, but it's hard to do at home with Bear because he thinks we're playing.  We haven't been to a park since Cubba was attacked, but there's a place we used to go that had a skate park and dog park where Shaun would take the dogs while I rolled around.  Unfortunately, it's the same park where Cub was attacked, and I'm a bit scared (for the sake of his mental health) to try to take him back.

I haven't gone to a skate park solo in a very long time.  I feel guilty leaving Shaun alone with the dogs because Bear can be a handful.  He's our toddler child and I don't know if he'll ever grow out of that.  So I've got to find a way to get in some extra movement here.  I'm going to start with walking, then maybe after I've established that routine I can work on strength training.  We have an exercise machine and there's always calisthenics, so I don't really have an excuse not to, except for the fact that I haven't made time.  But I feel like my health has thankfully mostly been ok and I need to start moving around before it's too late to preserve it.

Despite the rude awakening last night...

Despite the rude awakening last night, I feel pretty good-ish today.

I say good-ish because my skeleton isn't super happy. Ever since I had a Dr. Pepper the other day, I've had one almost every day and my psoriatic arthritis isn't a fan. But this is how I'm emotionally coping with the state of the yard and the Bear stress. This is 100% why I can't try a drug harder than caffeine. Addiction runs in my family and I can tell by my reaction to a fucking soda that it's not safe for me to try anything else. It's just not.

I can keep my psoriasis and arthritis to a manageable level without medication if I carefully watch my diet. I have a sweet tooth, though, so it's hard. Sugar is bad for my skin and bones. And these creamy, custom-mixed coconut Dr. Peppers are just so damn good right now. I have given in and accepted that I'm on these at least for the next month. I've quit soda and caffeine before. I can do it again when I feel like I don't need a crutch.

I know this probably sounds so lame. But since starting this drink, revisiting a game I used to play on my phone, making some lists, and finally starting to get some good sleep again, I feel mentally better than I have in a few weeks. All 4 of those things have given me boosts that I really, really needed.

I'm watching Bear nap right now. I'm gonna mess around on my laptop and check a few things off my to-do list while he sleeps. Shaun is currently napping. He really needs it. He hasn't felt well lately. I think that spending so much time outside in the dust with Bear has messed with his sinuses and he's congested.

On top of that, Bear's sedatives seem to be doing less and less to keep him chill, so Shaun's been chasing after him all week while I work. We're basically just propping each other up for the next 4 weeks (until Bear is cleared for normal activity and the yard is less fucked). We've got this. We've definitely been through worse. We'll be ok. We're just not currently having a great time. But that's life, I guess.

I haven't been making food at home...

I haven't been making food at home as much as I should recently because I've been hyperfocused on swatching my polish.  I'm really terrible at keeping my life in a balanced state.  When I have a "project" to do, that project is all I think about.  I don't know why I'm like this, but I've definitely always been this way.  So when all I want to do is swatch polish, I don't want to be bothered with making food.  So we usually end up eating fast food and that is catching up to me.  (Don't get me wrong - I love eating restaurant food, but fast food is hard for me since I eat so little meat.  I don't do cows at all and there are really only a couple of places that do fast food chicken in a way that I like, and one of those places I'd rather not support).

ANYWAY, I haven't been feeling the most healthy lately.  My pants are getting tight and my psoriasis is breaking back out.  Blegh.  Last week I made cornbread and ate canned soup with it for a few days.  Today I made lentils with taco seasoning and had tacos for lunch and I am so excited about how that turned out.  I didn't have to deal with meat at all and they taste so good and are healthy!  I can see me eating that frequently because honestly, I love tacos.  I mean, who doesn't?  But for real.  I'm so happy.

Also, Shaun ordered an Instant Pot for us because it looks pretty handy.  I think it will arrive this weekend.  I'm so excited to make dried beans in it.  For whatever reason I have been a bit put off by canned beans lately.  I can't really pinpoint why and I don't feel like thinking too much about it, but I find it really satisfying to pick through my food before it's cooked because it's easier so I'm down with going through dry beans and lentils and whatnot before I make them.

Super exciting update, right?  LOL  I'm just trying to get making food easier for myself so I'll do it.  I don't mean to be so terrible about food, but it's just the way I'm built.  😝

Have a closet selfie.

Have a closet selfie. It's been some years since I was feeling myself enough to capture my image on "film."

In 2014 when my psoriatic arthritis flared up it was hard to walk - much less exercise. Being in constant pain (plus some other things going on) sent me into a pretty serious depression spiral. Until it was bad enough that I went on medication I coped by eating junk food, which exacerbated the pain and depression. Then college and the stress that brought kept me eating junk food even with medication.

Needless to say, over those 6 years until I graduated I packed about 20 extra pounds onto my 4 foot, 9 inch frame. That probably doesn't sound too bad for an average-sized person, but being so short it was very noticeable and my self-esteem took a hit... obviously contributing to my depression. When I say that the last several years have been a struggle it is not an exaggeration.

Anyway, this is me right now. No filter, no editing, no makeup. Bonus points for goofy "I woke up like this" bed hair. 😂 I don't have a scale at home, but as of my last doctor appointment I was down 10 lbs. The fun thing about that is that I wasn't even trying. I've been enjoying my body by roller skating and staying busy organizing and cleaning. My depression is leveled out enough that I don't crave junk food 24/7. I still have down days once in a while, but honestly it just reminds me to be grateful for all of the good ones.

I'm still thicc, but I feel my muscles and endurance growing. My clothes fit better and I'm more confident than I've been in so, so long. My psoriasis is down to some very small, tolerable patches / spots even without medication. My bones haven't hurt me in quite a while, thank goodness. All in all I feel like I'm finally on an upward spiral and I hope it continues. I've fought my battles and I'd love to spend some time reaping the rewards and seeing what I can accomplish without my body and mind working against me.

For any of my friends and family who are struggling, please hang in there. It gets better. ❤️

This one's a biggie.

This one's a biggie.  My anxiety is through the roof and I'm doing some self-care in the form of getting my thoughts out.

Some of you may already know the news that I'm about to drop, but most of you won't.  If you are one of the few who know our business we would greatly appreciate your discretion if you must comment; we'll tell all when the timing is right for us.  If you know me really well then you won't be super shocked by this.  Anyway, here goes:

We're leaving Alabama.  Like, now-ish.

If this seems like a sudden decision let me go ahead and assure you that it's not.  It's a plan that's been in the works between me and my husbang for literal years.  Neither of us particularly like it here and in fact there are quite a lot of things that we really DISLIKE about living in Alabama.  I'll get into those things shortly, but just go ahead and know that if you have negative feelings about this be glad we're not leaving the whole ass COUNTRY because that was a serious consideration when Trump was in office.

Things that I / we dislike about Alabama in no particular order:

1. The weather is awful.  I don't want to live somewhere that I can spend my whole adult life making a home for myself only to have it destroyed by a tornado in the blink of an eye.  Due to that it feels entirely too risky to me to keep anything I like here.  I guess to keep it simple I will also file the humidity here, as well.  When my arthritis flares up it HURTS.  And I know it's a stretch to file this under "weather" but Shaun's allergies here are ridiculous.
2. Our values don't align with the politics of the state.  We are far more liberal than the general population here and as such we are governed in ways that we dislike and do not agree with.  To keep the list short I'll go ahead and add this here, as well:  Since Alabama hates single parents I'mma go ahead and take my career and leave and not give this state a single damn dollar of my soon-to-be more significant tax dollars.
3. This could have probably been filed under #2 but it's more than just political - it's a population problem.  The way COVID has been handled here is terrible.  I can't say that it's been the worst, but it definitely hasn't been good or even acceptable in my opinion.  We really can't deal with the anti-mask / anti-vax population here.  It's just too much and we feel so unsafe.  It's ESPECIALLY annoying since we're in the Bible Belt and everyone claims to be Christian but can't bother to get a little shot and cover their face and social distance to possibly save a neighbors life.  We're just completely, 100% over all of this shit.
4. There are so few opportunities here.  This one is pretty self-explanatory and of course changes with your location within the state, but honestly damn.

This is an announcement rather than a conversation so due to that and the fact that we're extremely busy right now I probably won't be responding to comments (I thought I could turn them off but apparently that's only a thing for public posts and this is not).  I don't want opinions about where to move; we've already picked our home and it's a done deal.  I don't want questions about where we're going; I'll reveal that when I'm ready.  I don't want congratulations or commiserations or shit-talk for not staying.  We have one life to live and we're doing what will make us happy and keep us healthy and provide our kids with more opportunity.  Anyone who can't appreciate or understand that just doesn't even matter at this point.

There is a lot more to say but I don't have the time nor all of the answers.  I will post more as time allows and as we figure things out.

Later, friends!

I think something bit me on the leg about 4 days ago.

I think something bit me on the leg about 4 days ago. I didn't feel it when it happened and it doesn't hurt now, but the first couple of days it itched and was tender and warm. I'm not super concerned since it doesn't hurt, but does anyone have a guess as to what might have done this?

The big spot is the supposed bite. The smaller dots are psoriasis, so just the usual.

After the terrible "vomit so hard I piss myself" migraine I had...

After the terrible "vomit so hard I piss myself" migraine I had some weeks ago I decided that I wasn't ok.  I'm 100% sure that it had everything to do with my upcoming certification exam, but that doesn't change the fact that I become completely incapacitated when my stress level gets too high and that is just a big downward spiral in the making.  Thankfully I had a telehealth appointment with my doctor coming up and she helped me get right.

My doctor told me I was taking a very small dose of my antianxiety and gave me the freedom to gradually up my dose until I felt that my anxiety (and therefore my tension - which is a big migraine trigger for me) was controlled.  That has been a life-saver.  I'm still not at the max dose of the antianxiety which is great because that leaves me some wiggle room in case I need to up my dose again.  Weirdly, I would say that things are pretty chill here because I really only have the deadlines that I put on myself, but as some of you may have noticed I am terribly HARD on myself sometimes so I guess it makes sense.

Another thing I did was cut out having my morning tea.  For about a year I have LIVED for having a little bit of Chai in some milk every morning.  I know that caffeine is a migraine trigger for me (and can also contribute to anxiety) but I would mix it so that it was mostly milk with a slight Chai flavor and never had any issues.  It was a wonderful way to start my day, but I quit it cold turkey.  You would think with the minimal amount of caffeine I was getting that it wouldn't be a big deal but I did have headaches for a few days.  That indicated to me that I was getting enough caffeine for it to affect me on some level and reinforced my decision to stop consuming it.  Thankfully I am over that and feeling pretty good.

I think the worst thing I have going on health-wise right now is that I sit too much (not always, but lately I'm studying so I'm plopped on the couch with my lappy) and that I have trouble falling asleep at night.  I need to work on some better sleep habits.  My psoriasis is flaring a little bit; since it's an autoimmune thing I can't help but wonder if my recent vaccine has something to do with that.  In any case it's not bad and I'm not upset.  I'd much rather have it on my skin than in my bones!

Anyway.  I've been level enough to put some real effort into studying for my certification and I feel pretty good about it so far.  I'm enjoying the study material a lot and if getting this certification means I get to do the kind of work that I am studying for then I am meant for this.  The platform, the organization of it all, being able to streamline and customize things... I know I'm nerding out but damn I'm excited.  I am so ready to start my career and see where it takes me.  😁😁😁

Well, with that I am off to study and get on with it.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤

It's been a minute...

It's been a minute since I posted an update about how life is going so that's what this is.

Shaun and I have made some good progress in regards to emptying / organizing this house.  Family picked up two heirloom bedroom suites of furniture over the weekend so that means we've almost got bedrooms for the kids cleaned out out here.  For the last 6 months we've been slowly but surely cleaning out rooms of the house, as well as the basement, garage, and workshop, not to mention working on the house in Anniston.  Kind of squished into all of that is me studying for my CSA which is coming up this month.

We recently rented a 20 yard dumpster because, well, we needed to.  After Shaun did stuff like replacing the toilets and a sink or two and doing some other repairs and then us cleaning the basement where it had flooded way back and then also us hauling some larger junk to here from the house in Anniston and on and on and on... we legit filled that dumpster up.  It was picked up this morning, thank goodness.  Now all that is left is a garage full of stuff that I think (hope) the family will claim and / or yard sale at their church.  I will be so happy to finally have all of this extra stuff dispensed with - including the house in Anniston.

Speaking of - the house in Anniston doesn't need a lot of work, thank goodness.  It is pretty close to being put on the market which I am VERY excited about.  I really don't like being so far away from the kids (I know they are 21 but they are still kidults).  I also would REALLY prefer them to be here for this stupid tornado weather because there is a basement out here.  Yes, they are good and they come when bad weather is imminent, but I always hated being run out of my house as a kid and I hate doing it to them, too.  It is not a good feeling to be on either end of that situation.

Anyway, we've been busy pretty consistently but I think we got a lot done the last few days especially.  (Or maybe it just feels that way because of the mostly empty bedrooms and the full dumpster being gone.)  For whatever reason, though, I woke up this morning with a tension headache and I ended up mostly sleeping today because of it.  If I hadn't it would have turned into a migraine and that is the last thing I wanted.  I've been feeling good lately (physically / mentally / emotionally) so I don't know what brought it on.  I'm ok-ish at the moment but concerned about being able to sleep tonight.

With that I'm off to rest my body and work my mind.  One of my hands hurts and I'm not sure if I strained it while moving something or if my PSA is flaring up.  In any case I'm about it give it a few days off.  I need to order some nice deep pots for the rest of that aloe and maybe by the time they arrive I'll be up for potting the big crazy pieces.  But for now I need to study.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤❤❤

Not a complaint so much as an observation:

Not a complaint so much as an observation:  I am going to be in pain tomorrow.

I worked nonstop from 10 this morning until 8 tonight debugging, bathing, drying, packing, and moving plants, as well as handwashing pots, disassembling my plant shelf and packing it, and packing and moving other stuff in the house. My hands are sore from so much washing, and cactus splinters, and because I'm not used to carrying so much weight. The psoriasis spots I have are raw and bleeding from the friction of so much movement. I really, REALLY did too much today. I'm paying for it now, but tomorrow is going to be a heavy Tylenol / Ibuprofen day. Hopefully, I'll feel ok enough to chill down and repot some of these plants so I will have accomplished something. We'll see.

Goodnight, friends. It was all I could do to stay awake and have dinner and watch a movie with Shaun and the kids. I'm done.

I haven't really said much on here since announcing my graduation...

I haven't really said much on here since announcing my graduation because we've been busy moving.  I guess this is me checking in.

Before the pandemic hit I told Shaun that I wanted him to make the BIGGEST deal out of me graduating because it's been such a hard journey and it would be a massive accomplishment for me.  I don't care to recap every negative thing that's happened to me since I started college in 2015, but suffice it to say I've hung in there despite a lot of stress and major losses, and poor physical and mental health.  I'd planned to attend the graduation ceremony and I wanted a dinner party at Baja, at the very least.  Obviously none of that is going to happen and while I have a small amount of disappointment over it I know that FAR too many people have had much bigger losses due to COVID so I am not complaining.

In other news:  The house is coming along nicely.  The sun room looks great in my opinion.  We have about half of the animals moved in.  We brought Bruce (ball python) the other day, and brought the tortoises last night.  Tort Baby (predictably) dug a little burrow and went straight to sleep after the car ride.  Nom, on the other hand, peed and pooped in his carrier.  BLEGH.  It was probably a good thing, though, because there was a lot of poop and it looks like he might have been constipated.  On the bright side, he did not seem to mind riding in the car.  He didn't attempt to get out of his carrier.  Just chilled and pooped.  😂😂😂  I love having a utility sink in the sun room because it was super convenient to give him a bath before putting him in his new house.  Unlike Tort Baby, Nom explored and walked a lot and then pooped some more.  I bet he's feeling a lot better today.  I noticed he hadn't been his usual social self and I was wondering why.  I hope that explains it.

Last night despite the rain and darkness Shaun and I moved our big ass couch that we got in February to the house.  I don't think we'll ever buy another couch that isn't a sectional because we moved all but one piece of it in two trips in our little cars.  Not having to carry / maneuver one big piece of furniture is AWESOME. Also, I think it looks great here; it fills out the living room nicely.  Shaun's been doing a ton of work around here, but I could tell his brain was done working on anything else until he got the living room set up.  I totally understand preoccupation and mental blocks, so I was like "Yeah, let's do it.  Let's move this couch in the dark and the rain so we can move on to other stuff."  😂  I can tell he feels happier having a place to rest and take a break.

Other than that things have been going pretty well in regards to moving.  Shaun and I have decided that since the lease for the kids apartment is up in mid-January, they'll be staying in our house in Anniston while we get it ready to sell.  While that house is in a far better neighborhood than the house I owned for 14 years, we're still not comfortable leaving it empty.  I think that will work out great.  No rent for the kids and we get the benefit of their presence and their help while they are there.  So we are trying to go ahead and get moved out so that they can move in.

Anyway, I'm staying busy, as usual.  My stress level has dipped knowing that I passed my class, which is nice.  I basically went straight from the school mindset to the moving mindset, so the fact that I'm done with college hasn't really sank in.  I felt excited knowing that I passed my class, but that hasn't translated into "no more classes or homework" in my brain yet.  I am planning to don my cap and gown and take some photos at JSU (hopefully this week), though.  Maybe that will help it feel real.  Without a graduation I just haven't felt that there is a period at the end of the college sentence.  I know that probably sounds goofy because a lot of people skip the ceremony, but I earned it.  I need something to punctuate the end of this chapter.

Well, I'm off to go try to get some things done.  I hope you all are doing well.  If not, don't forget that things can change in the blink of an eye.  Hang in there.  That's the only advice I can give.  ❤

I've been having stress dreams for the last few days.

I've been having stress dreams for the last few days. I feel my shoulders creeping up to my ears nearly constantly. Of course that triggers headaches which make it more difficult to get things done. I cannot wait to be done with school. I've never had anxiety about anything like I have about college. I know that getting certifications and jobs and all of that will bring a whole different set of worries, but graduating college feels like the biggest hurdle to really changing our lives.

I keep telling myself:  Worst case is that I fail this semester and finish next semester. That's not the end of the world. We're ok and that's ok. It's just hard to accept that when I'm so ready to be done. Also, the sooner I get a job the sooner we can get health insurance and that is a thing we really, really need. ASAP.

Anyway. I'm off to take the kiddo to an appointment and then I'm settling in with cats and math for the rest of the day. Wish me headachelessness. 😂😭❤️

Today was pretty good.

Today was pretty good.  I woke up early and had my tea, and good conversation with Shaun.  I know I see him and talk to him all the time, but there is nothing like heart-to-heart talks full of reflection and questions and realizations and love.  It's hard to believe we've been together for 12 years.  For 9 years we worked at the same place.  For 8 years I was heavily involved in animal rescue / rehab.  For probably 7 of these years I've struggled with depression (not constantly, but about 7 years ago is when it started).  For 5 years I've been in college.  For two of our years together I struggled greatly with my physical health and psoriatic arthritis.  And there is so much that happened during all of that, too, for better or worse.

I don't know that I have a point with all of that.  I'm just feeling grateful for my best friend / partner in life.  I got an email from JSU recently about graduation regalia, and I think that spurred my thoughts as to how long I'd been working towards graduation and how large of a piece of our relationship school has been.  I know that a job will replace a chunk of my time very soon, but I think that not being tested constantly and actually reaping some of the rewards for my hard work will do me a lot of good - and by extension, Shaun and the kids, as well.  I'm pretty excited about that.

I've been trying to decide all day if I wanted to bother purchasing the cap and gown and all that since it's not likely there will be an actual graduation ceremony (or at least not one I'd feel safe to attend).  I'm also not having professional photos done, but I think it would be nice to have some pictures made with Dinorah at the school, and just have some of myself to mark the occasion.  I can't imagine that I will be nearly as excited without a ceremony; before the pandemic hit I told Shaun I wanted him to make the biggest deal out of graduation for me, but I don't see that being super easy to do as of right now.  That's ok.  I think all of us 2020 graduates probably feel a little cheated, but hey, real life is real life.

Anyway, I am heading to bed.  I have a Differential Equations exam in the morning.  I feel pretty good about it.  We'll see tomorrow if that's real or if it's just the antidepressants talking.  😝  Goodnight, friends!  ❤

Despite how hard it's been to function recently...

Despite how hard it's been to function recently I'm pretty excited about starting classes tomorrow.  I can't believe I've made it to my final semester.  I have worked so hard for this; not comprehending up until about a year ago that I was actually going to finish school and change my life.  At some point, the "if I graduate" in my mind finally became "when I graduate," but I want you to know that the struggle to get there was real.  For the longest time I could not believe that this was for me.  I honestly don't know that I ever would have started college if my health hadn't kicked me in the ass.

At 32 when I was barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis, couldn't afford insurance, covered in psoriasis, and mental health hanging by a thread, a doctor told me to eliminate stress (it triggers psoriatic disease and depression).  I'm a pretty chill type of person, but raising a child by myself for years while living paycheck to paycheck had taken its toll on me.  I'd been working 2-3 jobs to try to make ends meet, the whole while feeling like a failure as a parent due to my son caring for himself so much.  I was not ok.  

Fortunately, most of my problems were financial.  My doctor told me that I seemed intelligent and to go to college.  He said that if I wanted it bad enough I could change my life.  That was November 2014.  January 2015 I started classes and haven't taken a single semester off.

I have honestly enjoyed my time as a student.  It has been extremely stressful at times, but honestly aside from the anxiety that I won't make it, it hasn't been worse than being poor and unhealthy - just different.  At least this kind of stress is due to me wanting something in life and trying to accomplish it.  I am hoping that after I graduate and find a job I can settle into a new normal - a less stressful normal, with health insurance for all of us and a career to look forward to.  I am grateful for my time in school and all that I have learned, but I am excited to see what the future holds.  I really want to see if all of this work paid off.

On that note I'm off to water a few thirsty succulents, shower, and get my notebook prepped for tomorrow.  Differential Equations and Beginner Spanish I:  I'm ready!  😃

So... I start my summer class on Monday.

So... I start my summer class on Monday.  I'm not excited about it.  It's a proof class (Abstract Algebra) and one that I struggled with a couple of semesters ago.  Due to COVID it's going to be online which I'm glad about for safety purposes, but I am nervous that I will struggle and not have as easy access to the professor for help.  As a backup plan I've also registered for the same class in the fall (along with my final math, Differential Equations).  One way or another I am finishing school this year.

I feel like I've had a nice long break (for once) from school.  I needed that because for the first time in ages I feel rested.  I do feel guilty for "wasting" time, though.  I've spent so much time chilling and playing games and watching shows and of course hanging out with Shaun and the kids.  I know that most people wouldn't celebrate a layoff but just DAMN.  I love Shaun so much and he deserved a break and it's been so nice just having time to hang out.  I've even starting playing Xbox games with him.  Ok, yes - he had to get me a special small controller and yes - I am super picky about what I'll play, but I'm enjoying myself.  Honestly, after all of the arthritis I've had in my hands before I never thought I'd play controller games again so I'm enjoying this until I can't.

Anyway, since I got rid of my house in mid-March I had a ton of stuff to go through / donate / organize.  We went through all of our stuff but the pandemic shut everything down before we could donate all of what we wanted to donate.  So that still needs to be finished, but isn't urgent.  There are still some things that need to be cleaned / organized, too, but that is also not urgent.  On top of that I wanted to finish painting the hall and paint the bathroom, but I didn't get to that.  I did, however, check a lot of smaller projects off my list so that was nice.

One big thing that I'm disappointed I didn't finish was getting my CSA certificate.  I had planned to take that exam before I started back to school.  I did take the class which was a huge step for me.  I have a year to take the exam and I WILL do it.  I have had plenty of time if you just consider the days / weeks / months.  But mentally and emotionally I have been struggling and I know that many of you have, as well.  My ability to stay focused is not what it used to be, unfortunately.

Me, Shaun, and the kids have been taking the pandemic extremely seriously since March so we've only seen each other.  I haven't seen my friends or other family (mom, dad, brother) since probably before March since school was kicking my ass.  We started doing curbside pickup for groceries and Amazon deliveries for animal food.  The only outings we've had have been if we decided to go walking.  Needless to say, it's been a big change and we believe we are doing the smart and safe things, but it isn't always fun.

Add to that the fact that I lost my last two remaining dogs within like, 3 weeks of each other.  Both had been with me for 12+ years.  I felt (and still feel) that something is missing in my life.  We have plenty of animals but dogs are just different.  Since none of us are working at the moment and I'm about to start back to school we're not looking to take in anyone right now.  Logically I know that is the smart thing but damn if it doesn't suck.

Then, of course, the huge stress of the Black Lives Matter movement weighs heavily on me.  I have feared for the life of my child since he was a tween.  Unless you LOVE a black person so many white people don't seem to get it.  I am so disappointed in so many people.  I mean - I don't really want to get into it again right this moment but racism exists and I know that first hand.  Systemic racism exists, casual racism exists, microaggression exists, white privilege exists, and anyone who doesn't believe that is remaining willfully ignorant - which I just cannot respect.  It's gross and you can and should do better.

Anyway.  All of this was to say that I haven't accomplished all that I'd hoped to since March, but it has been an eventful and draining few months so I'm trying not to beat myself up.  I have done quite a few things - even some important things (like taking the CSA class), but I've also spent a lot of time just... resting.  Playing.  Loving my family.  Doing things that I want to do (like spending time with my plants).  Those things are important, too.  I hate that American work culture makes me feel like if I haven't worked myself dead then it's not enough, but I'm trying my best to deprogram myself of that toxic idea.

Well, I just felt like clearing my mind, so there it is.  I hope that you all are doing well.  If not:  rest, do some self-care, play, spend time with loved ones, and don't forget that Black Lives Matter.  ❤

Yesterday I waffled between enraged and exhausted.

Yesterday I waffled between enraged and exhausted.  My rage was probably showing a bit, but I have no regrets.  We should be angry, but also proud.  We're getting things done.

Today, I am itchy.  I put a 5-years-expired prescription psoriasis cream on a big patch of skin that was bothering me.  Now I feel like I have a chemical burn.  I guess that's what I get for trying my best, being a student, and not being magically wealthy enough to afford health insurance.  I sure do miss the days when Obama was in charge and valued my life regardless of my financial standing.

Make no mistake:  Once I graduate I won't be in this situation again, but many people aren't so fortunate.  And since I'm a caring person that breaks my heart.  I will always vote for someone who cares about the well-being of the people of this country.  The quality of our lives is what matters before anything else, FULL STOP.

Black Lives Matter and have a good day!  ❤

Yesterday I waffled between enraged and exhausted.

Yesterday I waffled between enraged and exhausted.  My rage was probably showing a bit, but I have no regrets.  We should be angry, but also proud.  We're getting things done.

Today, I am itchy.  I put a 5-years-expired prescription psoriasis cream on a big patch of skin that was bothering me.  Now I feel like I have a chemical burn.  I guess that's what I get for trying my best, being a student, and not being magically wealthy enough to afford health insurance.  I sure do miss the days when Obama was in charge and valued my life regardless of my financial standing.

Make no mistake:  Once I graduate I won't be in this situation again, but many people aren't so fortunate.  And since I'm a caring person that breaks my heart.  I will always vote for someone who cares about the well-being of the people of this country.  The quality of our lives is what matters before anything else, FULL STOP.

Black Lives Matter and have a good day!  ❤

My psoriasis has been getting progressively worse for the last few weeks.

My psoriasis has been getting progressively worse for the last few weeks. Currently the only places I don't have it are the palms of my hands and bottoms of my feet. Everywhere else is patchy and I'm so itchy and uncomfortable that it's hard to sleep at night. I know it will pass eventually and I'm grateful that it's not my bones, but DANG. I'm not having fun.

When I flare up I feel better without hair. So my sweet little Kira came over today and shaved my head for me. I took a shower and moisturized like crazy. I feel a little better since that. Hopefully whatever is causing my flare up will stop soon. I can't think of anything besides stress but it's really hard to pin down.

I hope you all are doing well. I'm trying. Goodnight, friends. ❤️

Today was productive.

Today was productive.

Thanks to all of you wonderful people with advice my prescriptions were sent in.  Someone else ended up doing it because the NP at JSU still insisted that she couldn't do it without seeing my physically, but that's ok.  It's taken care of and it's a huge stress off my back.

I dealt with some paperwork stuff today that I'd been putting off as well as finished up my schoolwork for the semester.  I'm taking a job training course soon so I needed to get myself freed up.  Mission accomplished.  That also deleted some stress so maybe I'll calm down.  My skin and my bones are out here wildin'.  😂😂😂

I hope you all are doing well and staying safe.  ❤️❤️❤️