Writing it now.

Several of my tasks today are on the computer, so I've had a thought and I wanted to write it now so I don't have to add it to the list.

The doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD said that my medication could cause a lack of appetite/appetite suppressant effect, so I stopped taking Semaglutide when I started my ADHD meds.

The food noise has not returned.

The ADHD meds have quieted my brain, including the food noise, so overeating/emotional eating/stim eating, etc., is not currently a problem for me.

All of my experiences over the last few weeks after being medicated have made me wonder if there are better questions doctors could ask to help people who don't have the language for what they are struggling with to articulate their struggles.

For example, no one has ever asked me "When trying to manage your weight, does the typical advice of eating healthy foods, counting calories, etc., work for you?"  That would have been an absolute "No."  When your brain is only capable of doing the most important/most interesting task at the moment, counting calories feels impossible.  Food noise is there, regardless of the reason.  Impulse control is low because we're maxed out just trying to do the most basic shit.  Of course that doesn't work.

Or maybe this one:

"When trying to change your schedule and using the advice of good sleep hygiene, consistent bed times, no screens, no caffeine after certain times, etc., do you still struggle?"  Because that would have been a resounding yes.  Trying to fix my schedule didn't work because my brain didn't shut off and I had no control over that.  It wasn't actually that I am terrible and lazy and inconsistent; it was simply that that advice wasn't going to work for me because there was an underlying, untreated problem (ADHD).

Basically, what I'm saying is, "If you've tried advice that works for neurotypicals, how does that work out for you?  Is it helpful?  Are you able to make meaningful changes or lasting improvements?"

That would have been a huge eye-opener for me.  I 100% do not believe that people are just shitty, lazy, or unmotivated, though I often felt that way before (about myself) and I've definitely heard those terms used to describe people with ADHD.  I don't think people choose to exist that way; they just literally don't realize that there could be a medical issue and that no matter how hard they try, TRYING doesn't change it; just like TRYING not to have a thyroid problem doesn't change the fact that you do.  You need medical intervention.

Kira got her ADHD diagnosis on paper on Friday (we were already pretty sure, but she wanted confirmation).  She didn't want medicine without that, and I think it's fair and logical to want proof of an issue before medicating for it.

I went upstairs earlier and she apologized for it being messy.  And all I could even say to her was "I know you're doing your best.  I don't think you're a bad person or lazy.  You just need some treatment so you can function better."

Because I have literally, at least since my early 20s, pretty consistently beat myself up for struggling - because I didn't know that I was.  And I could tell by her apology that she is doing the same.  There was no fucking way I was going to pile on.  I told her the mess could wait, and that all I really wanted was for her to make her health and well-being the priority, and to be open to medication (because it changed my life, and I don't want to see her struggle needlessly).

My diagnosis and medication have changed my life for the better - literally.  I feel brand new at 43 years old.  I don't want my kids to struggle for 20 more years.  And now that I know what I'm looking at when I see a mess or a light left on or them awake at random hours, I'm going to parent them differently, as well.  I'm going to encourage treatment, but I'm going to be as patient as I can until we get there.  Because they're not shitty or lazy or unmotivated (not that I ever thought they were; I just didn't understand why "simple" things seemed so hard).  They are struggling and actually doing their best, and I can't ask for more than that. 

I mentioned yesterday that the day didn't go as planned.

I mentioned yesterday that the day didn't go as planned.  It really didn't and I didn't do everything I wanted to, but the important stuff got done.

Since I'm still adjusting to medication and the work schedule and all of that, I have been pretty serious about resting on the weekends, even if that means sleeping until I naturally wake up.  But Shaun forgot his work badge and woke me up close to 9.  I think he caught me in a deep sleep cycle or something, because I was a mess all day - even after taking my ADHD meds.  For whatever reason, I never fully shifted out of Goblin Mode, and started to get a headache around 3.  I had a list of things I wanted to do, but ended up napping from around 4-6, then going to bed at 8:30.  Thankfully, I woke up naturally today and feel fine.  Brain-wise, anyway.

Yesterday, one of my important tasks was doing some mechanic-ing on the Hyundai because Shadow had some things to do and we needed it running.  Something happened behind the glove box so it wouldn't shut fully, and that meant that the glove box light stayed on and the battery died.  It would run if we jumped it, but no longer hold a charge and wouldn't re-crank.  The car is a 2011 and that was the original battery, I'm pretty sure, so we weren't upset at having to replace it.

This is normally the kind of task I'd leave to Shaun (due to sensory issues or due to me feeling overwhelmed; not because I'm incapable), but he was working and Shadow needed the car that day and since I am now able to take better care of myself and don't exist in a constant state of overwhelm, I did the damn thing.

Shadow helped me, which was great.  First of all, the Hyundai doesn't have the stick that props the hood open; it has some sort of hydraulic thing that no longer works, so someone had to hold the hood open.  Secondly, it was just really nice to spend time with him.  Thirdly, he had a great idea that kept the task of removing the dead battery from taking wayyy longer than necessary (and wayyy longer than it already had).

I'm sure that people who work on cars already know this, but it's cramped as hell in there.  My hands and arms are bruised and sore from trying to get in there to unscrew the thing that holds the battery down.  Also, we needed a 12mm thing to unscrew it, which we did not have, so I was trying to maneuver an adjustable wrench and failing pretty hard.  Shadow asked if we could just unscrew and move the major thing that was in the way, and at first I was scared to, but then I was like, "I think we have to."  So we did.  And that was great.

Then we took the battery to Auto Zone and bought a replacement, went home and got it installed, and BOOM - the car is fine.

Shaun texted at some point and asked if they installed the battery.  I was like "Who?"  And he replied "Auto Zone."  And I was like, "No, me and Shadow did."  And he said if we'd driven the car there that they would have installed it, but that would have meant jumping the car (which me and Shadow both didn't want to do).  So apparently, there was a much easier way to accomplish our task, but I was actually having fun despite touching metal tools and getting dirty.  😆

I'm not going to pretend that the struggle wasn't real, because it was.  Like I said, I never fully exited Goblin Mode yesterday.  But despite the challenges, we got it done, me and Shadow did teamwork on that bitch, and all is well.  He made it safely to his destination and back home yesterday, so I couldn't really ask for more than that.

The only other thing I did was meet up with a friend to do a plant swap.  Once again, Colleen hooked me up and I left feeling like I came out on the better end, but I do have some bulbs and plant hangers and a cactus to give her when my brain is having a better day.  And we've discussed swapping pollen and making cactus babies together, so I'm like, dying inside of excitement about that.  I have been interested in trying to grow them from seed for a while, but sometimes it's easier to do things with a friend.

So today, I have some tasks to catch up on because I didn't get to them yesterday, but that's ok.  I have a list.  Aside from sore hands, I'm good.  I'm about to get started and see how it goes.

I hope you all are having a nice day.  With how everything is for me right now, I'm really busy and really tired by the time I make it home every day, but I do believe that things will ease up, especially once work from home becomes an option.  So if I'm not liking or responding or posting during the week, it's just because I'm exhausted and have been (and been able to!) prioritize chores and rest, rather than screaming into the void hoping to find a solution to a strained existence.

I love you all!  Be well!

Balloons!

Balloons!

I am very tired and about to head to bed, but...

I am very tired and about to head to bed, but I wanted to talk a bit more about the job offer.

I've been doing an internship since August 31st, and it was supposed to go until around mid-November, but because I have a job offer the internship is going to end October 5th and I will officially start work the next day.

I have enjoyed the work I've been doing these last few weeks, and the job I will be starting will be similar, so that makes me happy.

I am also happy because I will have a hybrid in-office/work-from-home schedule, so that will be a relief.  The internship is full-time in-person, and while I enjoy driving I'm currently doing 10 hours of that every week, so it will save me some time and energy to not have to make that commute every day - especially on my teaching days.  That is a bit stressful since I have a timeline for getting home.

Anyway, today didn't exactly go as planned, but maybe I'll have the energy to talk about that tomorrow.  For now, I'm going to bed.

Goodnight, y'all!

I can't write much at the moment...

I can't write much at the moment because I have some things to do, but:

Yesterday, I was offered a full-time position doing application development in ServiceNow. OBVIOUSLY, I accepted.

I will try to write more later, but I am very excited. It's been over a year since I was employed full time, so this is amazing.

AHHHH!!!

AHHHH!!!

My first fenestrated leaf!

How exciting! 😁😁😁

I didn't do plant stuff, but...

I didn't do plant stuff, but I did everything else I wanted to today, plus cleaned and organized my side of the closet. I'm not mad about that.

The great thing about succulents is that they are pretty tough, thank goodness.