Who else wants to do things, but can't make yourself do the things?

Who else wants to do things, but can't make yourself do the things?

And how do you get yourself to do the things?

I want to skate. I watch videos. I have everything I need. But sometimes I just can't DO IT.

I don't even need a lot of space. I could do drills in my kitchen or garage or whatever. I literally have no excuse, but I'm fighting my brain.

Help?

I've gotten 3 boxes from Short Story...

I've gotten 3 boxes from Short Story, which is a company that sends clothes that fit petite, aka SHORT people. At 4 feet, 9 inches tall, the struggle is real. Almost everything I buy is too long, which results in me looking like a kid playing dress-up. I'm 43 years old and last week at the pet food store, one of the employees said "I hope Santa brings you something nice!" 😂😂😂 So yeah. I need the help. 🤷🏻

After losing almost 30 lbs this year, none of my pants fit. I looked so raggedy. I don't really consider myself to be a vain person, but it affected my confidence. It was also super uncomfortable hitching my pants up frequently. I don't use belts due to sensory issues, so I've had a pair of my pants zip-tied on the sides since August. 😂

(Side Note:  People really don't seem to love my genius ways of getting my clothes to stay on. This is reminiscent of the time I was taping a coat shut because the zipper was broken and a friend of a friend bought me a new one. I know I straight up looked homeless, and I was also much more broke back then - but I also really liked that coat, and yes I still have it. 😂)

Anyway, between Short Story, Halara, and a couple of pairs of Gap Curvy jeans, I've got petite pants now that fit. I feel so much better. Short Story has also sent me a few tops that I couldn't turn down. I have asked them in my next box to send some business casual tops and blazers. I'm excited to see what I get.

Since I'm looking for a job and doing a bunch of networking around here, I want to look nice in person. Unfortunately, I've never been into styling myself; I have always just thrown on whatever was comfortable. So I'm a whole mess, is what I'm saying. 😂 In the boxes, they send a pamphlet with pictures of the clothes on models and that really helps me determine if the garment is fitting me correctly. It's also helped me start judging how the clothes I already have are fitting. I've discovered that most of my shirts are WAYYY too long and not doing me any favors when I wear them. 😬

Today after I got my box and did some trying on, I didn't stop. I have gone through most of my closet trying on things to see if I can make them look nice. I really hate tucking shirts in, but I've found that tying the bottom of my button-down shirts shows my waist and has a nice effect. I can leave the knot showing or roll it under for a cleaner look. That works for me.

There are a bunch of shirts that I probably need to have hemmed. I'm getting rid of almost every pair of pants that isn't new because they are too long and just all-around too big since I lost weight. I think I'm going to hit a few consignment stores this week and see if I have anything they'll take. I would just donate it all, but I haven't worked since April and could use some money.

So yeah, I'm still a t-shirt and leggings girl at home, but I need to cultivate a more polished version of myself for a professional environment. I'm pretty smart and well-spoken, but damn, do I look like a mess most of the time. 😂 It's not doing me any favors, but with a petite clothing box to help me, I can do better. I'm excited for this growth. It's long overdue.

I'm proud of this.

I'm proud of this. I've only used 2 streak freezes since I started.

Bruh.

Bruh. Not me sitting halfway through the first episode of Pluribus thinking, "I know Albuquerque is weird, but what's with all of the outer space stuff?" "What's the countdown for - Jimmy getting out of jail?" "Did Kim hate what happened with Jimmy so bad she quit law and is a writer now?"

I was so CONFUSED. 😂😂😂

Why did I think Pluribus was related to Better Call Saul!?

To do:

Went to class ✅

Came home ✅

Kissed my puppies ✅

Hugged the husband ✅

To do:

Get in bed to dissociate

See y'all later. It's felt like a long week.

I woke up this morning at 4 with a migraine.

I woke up this morning at 4 with a migraine. I think it's the first one I've had in about 6 weeks. We're 6 weeks into the Web Dev bootcamp (halfway through!) and I can't recall having one since we started.

My teachers recorded the part of the class that I missed, so I'll watch it this weekend. I joined the class Zoom meeting halfway through the day. My migraine meds knock me out and I took them around 7 after trying hard to not need them, so I was knocked out for the first half.

When I joined, I was sluggish and my vision wasn't great, but the teachers were super patient with me and I completed the day.

I'm feeling mostly better now; I just hate how the meds leave me feeling slow and sleepy. I'm gonna shower soon and call it a night. Some extra sleep will do me good, probably.

I hope your week is going well. ❤️

I had to recover from a headache when I got home from class.

I had to recover from a headache when I got home from class. I had a pretty good day; I'm still really enjoying myself. ...But I did get stressed and internally melted down because I couldn't find a file in my computer. 😬

I was supposed to be learning to use Tailwind for my projects, but instead I was panicking and searching my folders and repositories for a file I'd just used the previous day, or possibly the day before. I was hung up and couldn't stop spinning out for about 45 minutes. It was so dumb.

I eventually found the file and made a note in my Rocketbook about its location. We'd done something different in class and weren't uploading those files to the student server like we had been, so that was part of my confusion.

Anyway, I was fine after that, although headachey. I don't love it when I lose control of my brain like that, but I did need part of the data in that file to move on to the next thing, so it wasn't completely unwarranted. But I know that even if I hadn't needed it I would have done the same thing. I struggle to make progress when things are in disarray or don't make sense or I feel lost. I need to feel oriented and calm to be at my best.

Week 2 of 12 is in the books. I feel like I've learned so much. I have a lot of homework this weekend, but that's to be expected. At least I'm really into doing it. 😊

I only had to use one streak freeze...

I only had to use one streak freeze, and I missed that day by literally 2 minutes. I forgot that Duo doesn't operate on Blu time - by that I mean it's the same day if I haven't gone to sleep. 😂😂😂

It's 4pm.

It's 4pm. This is the first time I've picked up my phone today. I have only left my bed to feed the cats and pee. I've been half awake, half asleep, in my head.

I am not ready to engage with anyone yet.

What is this called? I don't feel depressed. But maybe a little overwhelmed?

Help me with the words, please.

Is it a thing to not be ready to be a person yet?

This is Shaun's favorite thing about me. 😂😂😂 /sarcasm

This is Shaun's favorite thing about me. 😂😂😂 /sarcasm

He's like "What is all of this stuff in the bed? Why is everything on the couch?"

Because I NEED IT! 😂😂😂

Bruh.

Bruh. If I ever lose Shaun, I swear I'm not even gonna attempt to find another person who's so willing to try to understand me.

I've discovered that I struggle with transitions. It's probably yet another neurodivergent thing to add to the list of things I'm learning that I struggle with. There's been a lot of discomfort in my life, and I didn't always understand why or what the cause was. But the more I learn about neurodivergence, the more I feel like I understand myself.

Shaun does this thing sometimes where he tells me "Goodnight" and kisses me. Then he brushes his teeth and comes back through and starts talking to me again. And it's SUPER FRUSTRATING for me. I get grumpy because I feel anxious. Then he's like "Are you mad? Is something wrong?" and I'm just like "I'm fine! I just want you to go to bed!" which (understandably) does not assure him that something isn't wrong. 😂😂😂

Because once he tells me "Goodnight" I have transitioned very quickly into "Not-Shaun time." Him starting to talk to me again is prolonging the transition and causing me discomfort. I said that to him a few minutes ago and he was like, "Oh, so you shut down after "Goodnight."" and I'm like "YES!"

So I think he'll stop talking to me after telling me goodnight. I feel like I sound like an asshole, but I hope he does. 😂 It would be much less frustrating.

In general, I struggle with going to bed and waking up/getting up. If I'm ENGAGED in an activity, I will not stop to eat or use the bathroom or sleep until I literally feel sick from not eating or it feels like a bathroom emergency or I'm passing out from exhaustion. I've been this way for as long as I've been out on my own and left to my own devices.

I have zero balance. I'm either going hard or doing nothing. I don't really have a moderate/medium setting. And I am quite sure it's frustrating for the people around me at times, but I don't know what to do about it.

I feel like routines are important for me, especially in the morning and at night when I have to take medication. If my morning gets thrown off (like it did on Friday when I was woken up early to get my flu shot), then I'm grumpy until I get back to something that is part of my routine. On the instance of Friday, it was walking with Caitlin. I was fine once she picked me up and my routine was resumed. Before that, I asked Shaun and the kids to please stop talking to me. 😂

(And I could only be so honest with Shaun and the kids because I rarely mask for them anymore. They know me and understand me. I really suck it up for almost everyone else, though - often to my own detriment. But I'm working on that.)

The problem is that strict schedules feel like prison, so I struggle with them, too, even though they are helpful for me. So, I really don't know how to win at this, but I understand if anyone feels frustrated with me, because, I, too, often feel frustrated with myself. 😂 I've wondered for literally YEARS why I can't just function like a "normal" person and I believe I'm slowly, but surely discovering my answer. Fun stuff.

Anyway. I hope y'all are doing well. I'm mostly good. Just prepping for the bootcamp and inching closer to making press-on nails to sell. I've invested time and money into it, so I hope it works out. I guess we'll see.

We got our flu shots yesterday...

We got our flu shots yesterday and I slept a lot today. My arm doesn't hurt much at all, but I have been RUN DOWN. I managed to do a ridiculously small amount of housework today. Now I'm off to see if my brain can focus on some reading for the bootcamp pre-work. If not, I'm going back to sleep. 😂

Not my plants, but my cholla bruise. 😂

Not my plants, but my cholla bruise. 😂

Teddy Bear cholla is my favorite. Looks all cuddly and glowy in the sunlight, but peak violence. 🔪

I accidentally backed my hand into 5-ish spines when I was watering plants on Sunday. It was hard getting detached from my plant. It was holding on. This is the result.

Check out this reddit post. They got punctured, too.

https://www.reddit.com/r/cactus/s/TLd81eRDJu

Is your communication style accessible?

Is your communication style accessible? Does it matter to you if you can easily be understood by others?

I got fat, but there were reasons.

I got fat, but there were reasons. Eventually, I lost some weight with the help of corrected hormones and Semaglutide.

How's my Spanish, y'all?

How's my Spanish, y'all?

Rambling again... But this time in video format. 😂

I really butchered what I was trying to say, but I guess that happens when you only get to sing it or speak it to your pets. I'll get better.

SWEATY.

SWEATY.

You nasty, Houston. 😂

I've made it below 125 lbs again.

I've made it below 125 lbs again. I haven't been this small in at least 10 years. I'm feeling really great and a lot more comfortable. I have a bunch more energy, too.

Ten lbs to go and I'll be at my goal weight!

(I know that might seem low, but for those who haven't met me, I'm 4'9". The BMI at 115 might actually still be high for that height, but I'm not shooting for my post-pregnancy weight of 105 from 25 years ago. It looked fine back then, but I feel like I'd look like a wrinkly sack of bones at this age. 😂)

I had to move my wedding band to my middle finger because it kept falling off of my ring finger. We didn't do special expensive bands that we would bother resizing, so I'll replace it once I'm in maintenance mode. And the most special ring I've ever had is the chain mail one Shaun made with his own two hands years before we got married. I wore it for a long time, even though I'm not a fan of uncoated metal. In general, I'm not a jewelry-wearer, though.

Anyway, HRT and Semaglutide are to thank for my glow-up. I knew my hormones were jacked up in 2015, but living in Alabama with no insurance, and doctors that treated labs, not people kept me messed up. Now I've been on HRT since January, and Semaglutide since March. I'm still at a low dose of the Sema and am still making good progress. I just gotta be careful what I eat the day before and the day after the shot. IYKYK. 😂

I've been working on updating my Etsy...

I've been working on updating my Etsy (unfortunately not the photos or videos, yet) and that's pretty much all for today.

I did take a break and watch Ca7riel & Paco Amoroso live at Coachella on Hulu. They were great. I can't believe I get to see them live next Friday! I'm so excited!

Almost a year in!

Almost a year in! This is one of my favorite parts of the day.