This is my first full week of having a hybrid schedule.

This is my first full week of having a hybrid schedule.  It has been amazing.

I already knew that I loved working from home from previous jobs; I am so much more productive when I am able to be comfortable.  Being short-statured, no chair or desk is built for me.  If I'm high up enough to type comfortably, my feet are dangling.  If my feet aren't dangling, my arms are awkwardly high up trying to type and mouse.  I do have a foot rest at the office, which helps - but only if I'm sitting on the edge of my chair.  At home, I can sit however I need to in order to be comfortable.  I'm often criss-cross or sitting with my legs propped straight out.

Aside from the weird-sitting situation, I also struggle with temperature regulation.  I'm usually cold, even when others are quite warm.  So when I work from home I usually have a blanket on my lap.  I often wear a hat, or a hoodie so that I can cover my head.  When I'm in-office I want to look more professional, so I don't do any of those things - at least not without feeling self-conscious.  There have been some times that I put a hat on because I just couldn't focus otherwise due to being so cold.  Doing my best work wins over how goofy I look every time, but it's nice not to have to worry about that.

Thankfully, I have discovered my professional style that doesn't feel like a costume, and generally I am decently comfortable in my work clothes.  However, my temperature regulation settings suck and I still sweat even when I'm cold... even through layers.  So I constantly feel self-conscious and worry that people will see my armpit wet spots and feel grossed out.  I do have an appointment to hopefully address that in a couple of weeks, but for now it's much easier to just be a sweaty mess on my home days and not worry about it.

Overall, it's just easier to work from home.  Despite Shaun and the kids and the pets, I feel like I have fewer distractions and can be more productive.

The thing is, I enjoy my office days, too.

I love the drive - it's beautiful and despite the traffic, fun.  I love being here and feeling like I'm here.  I love having access to people that I have so much in common with.  I am a somewhat social creature, so it feels great to see my teammates in person.  At my previous job, all of my coworkers were scattered.  After the training period ended and I returned home to work I was fully remote; I basically only had access to them via Slack.  I felt pretty isolated.

So, this first week of hybrid has felt pretty great.  I feel more balanced.  I feel less exhausted.  I'm saving 8 hours of driving per week, which is basically a whole day.  As much as I love to drive, that is a bit much.  I would definitely do it if I had to because I love this job, but it's nice to not have to.

Speaking of loving the job... I am very engaged in my work.  I feel like it's making an impact.  It's challenging and fun.  It's nice to be contracted with one organization where I can see the benefit of what I've built, versus having 2 or 3 smaller projects for different companies where after I complete my task, the company moves me onto something else and I never see how my work has helped make a difference.

Also, being medicated for ADHD is a big help.  I can focus better.  I feel less overwhelmed in general, despite still having quite a lot of things to take care of.  I'm not just getting through my tasks; I'm learning from them.  I'm taking better care of myself.  I'm able to wake up in the mornings and stay awake all day because I'm now able to fall asleep at night, and STAY asleep.  Even when I was forcing myself to stay awake during the day, my brain obviously wasn't functioning at it's best no matter how hard I tried.  I'm no longer functioning on adrenaline; I don't have to anymore.  I can know that a thing needs to be done and instead of dreading it and putting it off until right before the deadline I can either do it or make a plan to do it, and stick to that.  It's wonderful.

I am very optimistic about the future.  I hope it's not speaking too soon, but I do feel like part of a team now.  I can see myself growing in my current position.  It's very exciting, and such a relief to not have to fight tooth and nail for every little win.

Sorry for the ramble, but I am feeling so grateful.  I just had to put it out there.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I just bit Adrian.

I...

I removed my gel overlay because it was peeling and a mess. I have also replaced it.

I don't think I've ever had time to do plants and nails in the same day.

I also washed my work clothes.

There are a few things left to do (feed Tort Baby, feed Habibi, and sweep/clean the litter boxes in the sunroom).

I would normally struggle through doing the animal work (but do it because I care about them), and neglect everything else.

This is wild. I feel like I have so much more time now.

I have finished watering my plants, and now I'm resting.

I have finished watering my plants, and now I'm resting.

I'm usually not out of bed before 1pm unless I HAVE to be.

I usually put off chores until THE LAST MINUTE. I'll be in the greenhouse watering plants by lamp at night because I couldn't function well enough to use the free daylight.

I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but ADHD meds are allowing me to be the person I've always wanted to be; the person I could only be in fits and starts; when the moon was in the right phase, Freddie Mercury was drinking Gatorade, AND I held my mouth just right. It was unpredictable when I could do things when and how I wanted, and the cost for that burst of "correctness" was high.

If other people's advice on how to exist doesn't work for you, I think it would be in your best interest to be tested. This shit is literally a disability. But it's one that may have a solution, and I'm telling you that the relief is real, and that you deserve it.

I forgot to turn off my alarm for the holiday.

I forgot to turn off my alarm for the holiday.

Normally, I'd be super upset and immediately go back to sleep.

Today, I am not mad. I'm also not as groggy as I normally am when unexpectedly waking up.

Since I want to water some plants before it gets hot and need to work on shifting my schedule, I have very easily decided to stay awake and get the day started.

I do feel like I could sleep more, but it doesn't feel like I HAVE TO in order to function.

Suddenly, everyone's advice on how to shift a schedule, get things done, etc., makes sense. It's do-able for a lot of people.

I have felt broken all of my life for failing at many "easy" things. And I guess I was, but I didn't know in what way. It really wasn't until the last few years that I started to suspect I have ADHD. And even then, I was SUPER doubtful. But the change this medication has made has literally been life-changing.

Day 3 of generic Ritalin.

If any of my struggle posts resonate with you, please do yourself a favor and get an evaluation. It's never too late for life to get easier.

I appreciate everyone's comments and messages...

I appreciate everyone's comments and messages, and I apologize that I haven't responded to any of them yet. I will get there; I just have to get up some energy.

I've been stressed almost to death. I've been waking up with tension headaches and migraines. I think I cracked the code last night, though.

Adrian (our little kitty) has been downstairs since June after living in my bedroom for 5 years. I really needed a space to sleep without interruption and cat hair, though, and her little self body-slams me to cuddle in the night.

Well, she's been stressed about being downstairs. There have been some cat squabbles, but we thought that was just them adjusting; it's been pretty normal in our experience that settling in takes some time.

However, she recently has been hiding and I even have had to carry her physically to the litter box. I think I was picking up the tension because last night before I even went to bed or had a plan (we'd already removed all of the cat stuff from the room and even sold the catio), I took her upstairs. She had been looking miserable and the other cats were tense, and I just couldn't do it anymore. And today I didn't wake up in pain.

I know that's not the only thing I've been stressed about, but I do feel relieved and she seemed VERY happy to be back in my room. She was rolling everywhere and purring and her tail was floofed up. 😂 It made my heart happy. All of the cats are older and deserve peace in their final years. I feel a lot better.

Other than that, I've been busy working on www.polishallthethings.com. The app is a subdomain there, and now my nail art blog is integrated, so everything is together. That feels nice. I still have work to do, but I am at a point where I feel like I can rest for a minute.

Also, I had a computerized ADHD assessment this morning. I will get my results in 2 weeks. They had a noise machine in the room that sounded like water running, probably for the privacy of the other patients. I don't know if that was part of the test, but I put my earplugs in so I could think. Hopefully, I didn't nerf myself.

It's been a day.

It's been a day.

I woke up early for no reason.

Had an appointment to get HRT refilled. Estrodial patches are in short supply nationwide, so my prescription is NOT refilled.

Had another appointment. It was just intake when I thought it would be an evaluation.

Teaching class tonight was good.

I received my Skyrizi in the mail today. I went ahead and injected it because I'm not used to having it on hand... But I was 6 days early. I'm sure it's fine; I'm just having one of those stressy, no-fun days.

I am exhausted. Calling it a night now.

At my appointment...

At my appointment, he said he needed to schedule me for an ADHD test, then follow up September 3rd.

I wish I had been tested TODAY. Now I'm just going to have more anxiety until it happens.

Can anyone tell me what the test is like? And does it really take 2 weeks to get results?

ADHD evaluation tomorrow.

I've had a bad couple of days.

I've had a bad couple of days. I've had a nonstop tension headache/migraine. I think it's due to anxiety.

But having slept for almost 2 days straight, I woke up at 7 naturally today. I feel ok-ish. I'm gonna shower and see what the day holds.

Before I do that... I want to talk about sleep.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a sleepy person. I *usually* didn't have trouble with being drowsy in elementary school and high school, but sometimes I was. I just fought it with everything I had because I didn't want to get in trouble for sleeping in class.

After that, I worked in retail for a bit, so I was up and moving. Same for the warehouse after that (except for the time I was being carbon-monoxide poisoned every day by my car on my way to work - I would nap during my breaks). But I was dating someone at that time and I would often fall asleep while visiting his family. Same with Shaun's family all these years, too. Let me sit somewhere comfortable and not be engaged enough, and I'm OUT. I fall asleep in waiting rooms. I've fallen asleep at work. Even at home after a good night's sleep, if I'm not engaged enough, I'm asleep. I'm not saying "This happened this one time." I'm saying that this is frequent and reoccurring.

We watched a movie the other day... This girl had been captured and was chained to a mattress. I said "I'd go to sleep." I wasn't even kidding. Like, if you ever wanna kidnap me, just give me a bed and I probably won't even resist. 😂 Not really, but it's ALMOST that ridiculous.

I'm glad I have a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday, because I'd really like to know if this could be part of Inattentive ADHD, or if I have a sleep disorder.

The more I think back on things, the more I realize that my life experience doesn't seem typical. It definitely hasn't been easy. And I'm just ready to get myself figured out.

I'm not having a great day.

I'm not having a great day. I didn't leave my room until after 6:30 pm. I was sleeping on and off. Having nightmares and then waking up with no energy to move.

I've been having trouble sleeping for a couple of weeks and it's because I couldn't get comfortable. It took me until last night to figure out what was making me so uncomfortable. It is my hips and knees hurting. It feels like I may be having a Psoriatic Arthritis flare. Yay for poor interception.

I'm on Skyrizi for my skin (Psoriasis) and my next dose is in about 10 days. I read that there can be some inflammation occurring towards the time of my next dose. I don't know if I need to see a rheumatologist or what, but I might need a higher dose to keep everything in check. I guess I'll inquire about that this coming week. Up until the last week or 10 days, I've been feeling pretty good, physically (or at least I thought I was). 😅

My mental health is another story. I feel so run down. I'm ready for my psych appointment on Wednesday.

Until then, I'm going to try to take it easy on myself. I have a ton I want to do, but thankfully most of it isn't pressing.

I have an appointment next week...

I have an appointment next week to be evaluated for Inattentive ADHD.  I've been a daydreamer since I was a child.  I've always had trouble doing things that I don't care a ton about doing.  On the flip side, I have trouble with NOT doing things that I really care about.

I rely on adrenaline for doing a lot of tasks.  For example, I wait until the last minute and then get stressed enough to overrule the executive dysfunction that keeps me from starting a task sooner.  That's not a healthy way to live.

I was working on getting ready for one of my certification tests yesterday, and I can't tell you how many times I had to go back and re-read the same sentence because my brain was suddenly playing songs like a radio, or I was remembering a dream, or I was thinking about something else while I was actively TRYING to focus on something.  It's even happening now as I write this post and this is something I want to do.

Most of the time, unless it is one of my hyper-focus things that I love, I can't even watch a show or movie without scrolling on my phone or else I will get bored and fall asleep.

I also have a lot of other trouble with sleeping.  I do the bedtime revenge procrastination thing.  I don't even want to, but it happens.  I do feel that I am naturally more of an afternoon/evening person than a morning person, but the extent to which I struggle makes me wonder if I have an underlying sleep disorder.  I think that by taking care of issues one at a time, we'll narrow it down.  I hope.

If it's possible to get medication for this, I am going to try it.  I 100% believe that my inability to function on any kind of moderate level is part of why I burn out so easily.  I have an internship coming up that I really care about, and I would really like to be my best self for it.  It comes with a lot of opportunity and I don't need to blow it by not being able to focus or learn or grow.  In a job like tech where you have to think and problem-solve, being unable to focus your brain on something that isn't your deep interest is not ideal.

Anyway, I'll let y'all know how it goes.  I really hope I can get some help.  I would love for life to feel less hard.

I just saw the video that everyone is talking about.

TRIGGER WARNING:  Self Harm
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I just saw the video that everyone is talking about. I must be dead inside, because I am unbothered.

Cuts don't bother me. Not on myself or anyone else.

If he was getting a mammogram, then I might have been horrified for the rest of the night. That pulling sensation definitely feels worse to me than cuts.

I was actually talking about that on Monday with my therapist. They said that often people with Autism process pain differently.

Like, I definitely feel physical pain, but I don't often care that I do. If it's pain from an unknown reason, that's a bit scary. But if I'm injured and it hurts, it's supposed to, so I'm fine.

He's cutting himself, sometimes. Mostly, the clip I saw was him dragging a knife over his skin and moaning. He made very few new cuts, but seemed to enjoy it when he did.

I think the worst part is that he said he was committing self-death to the people who were watching his stream, and they seemed distraught by that, but were obviously unable to stop him in the moment.

I don't know. A lot of people seem really disturbed. I'm sorry if y'all were subjected to that without consent.

I met my new therapist today.

I met my new therapist today. I'm really optimistic that I can feel better.

I'm disgusting from singing and dancing in this heat.

I'm disgusting from singing and dancing in this heat.

BUT I TOUCHED CA7RIEL. Does it count as consent if he came off the stage right up to us with our hands outstretched?

I had grabby baby hands and I feel a little rude.

Paco didn't jump down, but put down his mic like he was gonna. I don't know how many times I felt like I was gonna pass out. This was great.

Ca7riel & Paco Amoroso put on an amazing show, again. I would drive 13 hours to see them any day. Hopefully again next year!

I made it to Texas.

I made it to Texas. Not all the way to Houston yet, though.

The air is so freakin' WET.  Gross. 😂😂😂

Some things that are troubling me:

Some things that are troubling me:

About 2 weeks ago, my Reddit account logged out.  I have not been able to log back in.  I submitted a ticket for help, but I still haven't received any help.  Also, now if I look up my account, it shows that it's banned.  For what, I have NO idea.

This has been very dysregulating.  I read myself to sleep every night on Reddit, so I was used to my feed being a certain way.  It was comforting.  I had saved a lot of posts with useful information.  I had a 700-something day streak.  I loved it.

I basically had to start over and try to re-create my feed.  It's still not like it was.  It still feels very "off" - like it's a bizarro universe and it makes me really sad.  I am still hopeful that I will get some help with my original account, but the hope is fading.  I don't know what to do.

I also haven't been spending too much time in the greenhouse, but the last two times I went out there, many of my plants had been chewed or completely eaten.  I don't know who is doing it, but Shaun put the camera back out there to see if we could catch whoever it is.  We don't know if it's birds or rodents or what, so we don't know how to stop it.  We do close the doors at night, but leave the top windows open for ventilation.  We might have to put up some screens, I guess.  I don't know.  But it's got me really sad.  Whole plants are missing.  Like they've either been devoured on the spot or uprooted and taken. 😭😭😭

Last thing (for now):  I'm too soft and Adrian ended up back in my room. Shaun's going to move her out and acclimate her to the living room/other cats while I'm away. I hope it's successful. I need a space to myself. If it doesn't work while I'm gone, then it can't be done. Shaun is great with cats and less of a pushover than I am right now.

I overextended myself yesterday.

I overextended myself yesterday.  I ended up exhausted and went to bed so early, then woke up in the middle of the night (peri peeps, y'all know the 3/4 am wakeup call.  It's a hormonal thing that turns us into werecougars.)  I usually just read myself back to sleep, but I was literally having dark thoughts and spiraling.

I feel only slightly better today.  I talked to Shaun and told him I need him out of the house sometimes.  I just need literal solitude.  My background processes don't stop listening for him or thinking about him when he's here.  I don't quite know the logistics of how he's different than the animals or the child I raised, but he is.  Shadow and the pets can be background.  Kira sleeps most of the day and tends to stay upstairs, but can definitely be a demand sometimes.  She's a gray area because I still view her as a kid even though I didn't fully raise her.  But Shaun is like a best friend that never leaves my house.  Just isolating in my bedroom is not helping me recover.  Don't get me wrong; sometimes I definitely need that, but it alone is not enough.

Thankfully, he has been looking for work outside of our home, and he's had a few good leads.  Maybe something will come through soon.  Also, he didn't take offense when I told him that I never get to miss him.  He understands.

We also had a talk about showing affection.  I have never been a hugger.  I'm actually not big on being touched.  Growing up, I didn't receive affection that way and most of the touch I received was violent in nature.  So I generally don't enjoy having hands coming towards me at all.  But when we started dating, I hugged Shaun.  I wanted to touch him and that was what people did, so I did it, too.  And I did enjoy it.  It's easy when things are new.

But now that's not the case and it's no one's fault.  His shirt is always covered in cat hair because that is our life right now, so when I hug him my face goes right into that.  It's a sensory nightmare.  I also don't like my face being smushed, but due to our height difference, my face goes right under/between his pecs.  Sometimes if I actually want to hug him, I just go under his shirt and that's better.  His chest hair doesn't stick to my face like cat hair.  So for years, I've just been doing this thing that I don't get anything out of because he seemed to need it and I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.  Not like that, anyway.

If he's sitting and I'm standing, I greatly prefer those hugs.  His face is on my chest, and my face isn't getting smushed or haired.  I can enjoy those.  We haven't figured out how he can physically show me affection in a way that I will like yet; I don't like to be massaged or petted or anything like that.  I like it when we touch legs while hanging out.  That feels like not an attack.  Head bonks are cool.  I also like sitting next to each other, like a cuddle - like what cats and dogs do with us.  I don't know, but I don't feel like that's as big a deal right now as me letting go of the daily "demand" (of course he doesn't actually demand them; it's just a thing that I felt like I was supposed to do) of hugs that I don't like.

I feel like the worst partner.  I don't know why he likes me.  Even when I was (unknowingly) fully masking at the beginning of our relationship, I know I wasn't an easy person.  My mental health has only gotten worse/more complicated over the years, and he's still here, still putting in the work, still not taking any offense to anything I need to say - no matter how insensitive it may seem.  I feel very lucky, but also very confused.  Like, I don't get why anyone would choose the mess that I am, but whatever floats his goat, I guess.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days. (More on that later.)

It was fun and hotel sleeping without a cat on my head was glorious (yes, moving Adrian downstairs FAILED).

But we got home yesterday and I immediately had to go to bed because I'd had zero alone time for 3 days.

Later this week I'm driving 13 hours through the desert and I am looking forward to those 13 hours like you wouldn't believe. Nobody can see me. Nobody can ask me for anything. Nobody can even talk to me if I don't want it.

Sometimes I worry that living with my husband was the wrong move. We do have separate spaces to retreat to, but either I'm so deep in burnout that being perceived is a stressor, or we just should've kept separate houses like we did for the first 10 years. I'm giving it until the dogs die (hopefully no time soon) before making any decisions or changes to our living situation, but...

Damn, it's hard.

Shaun is so great and I love him all the way. He is not doing anything wrong. It's just me. I'm built different and I feel like a terrible person and terrible partner because of it.

I'm still not feeling super social, but...

I'm still not feeling super social, but I'm starting to feel agitation from unread/unreplied-to notifications.  So if I respond to something you messaged or commented to me weeks ago, I apologize, but it is what it is.

On another note:

I love you.  Hang in there.  💙

Edited to add:  I got the comments knocked out.  Don't have the energy for whole messages yet.  But maybe this is a sign of return to personhood.  We will see.