I appreciate everyone's comments and messages...

I appreciate everyone's comments and messages, and I apologize that I haven't responded to any of them yet. I will get there; I just have to get up some energy.

I've been stressed almost to death. I've been waking up with tension headaches and migraines. I think I cracked the code last night, though.

Adrian (our little kitty) has been downstairs since June after living in my bedroom for 5 years. I really needed a space to sleep without interruption and cat hair, though, and her little self body-slams me to cuddle in the night.

Well, she's been stressed about being downstairs. There have been some cat squabbles, but we thought that was just them adjusting; it's been pretty normal in our experience that settling in takes some time.

However, she recently has been hiding and I even have had to carry her physically to the litter box. I think I was picking up the tension because last night before I even went to bed or had a plan (we'd already removed all of the cat stuff from the room and even sold the catio), I took her upstairs. She had been looking miserable and the other cats were tense, and I just couldn't do it anymore. And today I didn't wake up in pain.

I know that's not the only thing I've been stressed about, but I do feel relieved and she seemed VERY happy to be back in my room. She was rolling everywhere and purring and her tail was floofed up. 😂 It made my heart happy. All of the cats are older and deserve peace in their final years. I feel a lot better.

Other than that, I've been busy working on www.polishallthethings.com. The app is a subdomain there, and now my nail art blog is integrated, so everything is together. That feels nice. I still have work to do, but I am at a point where I feel like I can rest for a minute.

Also, I had a computerized ADHD assessment this morning. I will get my results in 2 weeks. They had a noise machine in the room that sounded like water running, probably for the privacy of the other patients. I don't know if that was part of the test, but I put my earplugs in so I could think. Hopefully, I didn't nerf myself.

It's been a day.

It's been a day.

I woke up early for no reason.

Had an appointment to get HRT refilled. Estrodial patches are in short supply nationwide, so my prescription is NOT refilled.

Had another appointment. It was just intake when I thought it would be an evaluation.

Teaching class tonight was good.

I received my Skyrizi in the mail today. I went ahead and injected it because I'm not used to having it on hand... But I was 6 days early. I'm sure it's fine; I'm just having one of those stressy, no-fun days.

I am exhausted. Calling it a night now.

At my appointment...

At my appointment, he said he needed to schedule me for an ADHD test, then follow up September 3rd.

I wish I had been tested TODAY. Now I'm just going to have more anxiety until it happens.

Can anyone tell me what the test is like? And does it really take 2 weeks to get results?

ADHD evaluation tomorrow.

I've had a bad couple of days.

I've had a bad couple of days. I've had a nonstop tension headache/migraine. I think it's due to anxiety.

But having slept for almost 2 days straight, I woke up at 7 naturally today. I feel ok-ish. I'm gonna shower and see what the day holds.

Before I do that... I want to talk about sleep.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a sleepy person. I *usually* didn't have trouble with being drowsy in elementary school and high school, but sometimes I was. I just fought it with everything I had because I didn't want to get in trouble for sleeping in class.

After that, I worked in retail for a bit, so I was up and moving. Same for the warehouse after that (except for the time I was being carbon-monoxide poisoned every day by my car on my way to work - I would nap during my breaks). But I was dating someone at that time and I would often fall asleep while visiting his family. Same with Shaun's family all these years, too. Let me sit somewhere comfortable and not be engaged enough, and I'm OUT. I fall asleep in waiting rooms. I've fallen asleep at work. Even at home after a good night's sleep, if I'm not engaged enough, I'm asleep. I'm not saying "This happened this one time." I'm saying that this is frequent and reoccurring.

We watched a movie the other day... This girl had been captured and was chained to a mattress. I said "I'd go to sleep." I wasn't even kidding. Like, if you ever wanna kidnap me, just give me a bed and I probably won't even resist. 😂 Not really, but it's ALMOST that ridiculous.

I'm glad I have a psychiatrist appointment on Wednesday, because I'd really like to know if this could be part of Inattentive ADHD, or if I have a sleep disorder.

The more I think back on things, the more I realize that my life experience doesn't seem typical. It definitely hasn't been easy. And I'm just ready to get myself figured out.

I'm not having a great day.

I'm not having a great day. I didn't leave my room until after 6:30 pm. I was sleeping on and off. Having nightmares and then waking up with no energy to move.

I've been having trouble sleeping for a couple of weeks and it's because I couldn't get comfortable. It took me until last night to figure out what was making me so uncomfortable. It is my hips and knees hurting. It feels like I may be having a Psoriatic Arthritis flare. Yay for poor interception.

I'm on Skyrizi for my skin (Psoriasis) and my next dose is in about 10 days. I read that there can be some inflammation occurring towards the time of my next dose. I don't know if I need to see a rheumatologist or what, but I might need a higher dose to keep everything in check. I guess I'll inquire about that this coming week. Up until the last week or 10 days, I've been feeling pretty good, physically (or at least I thought I was). 😅

My mental health is another story. I feel so run down. I'm ready for my psych appointment on Wednesday.

Until then, I'm going to try to take it easy on myself. I have a ton I want to do, but thankfully most of it isn't pressing.

I have an appointment next week...

I have an appointment next week to be evaluated for Inattentive ADHD.  I've been a daydreamer since I was a child.  I've always had trouble doing things that I don't care a ton about doing.  On the flip side, I have trouble with NOT doing things that I really care about.

I rely on adrenaline for doing a lot of tasks.  For example, I wait until the last minute and then get stressed enough to overrule the executive dysfunction that keeps me from starting a task sooner.  That's not a healthy way to live.

I was working on getting ready for one of my certification tests yesterday, and I can't tell you how many times I had to go back and re-read the same sentence because my brain was suddenly playing songs like a radio, or I was remembering a dream, or I was thinking about something else while I was actively TRYING to focus on something.  It's even happening now as I write this post and this is something I want to do.

Most of the time, unless it is one of my hyper-focus things that I love, I can't even watch a show or movie without scrolling on my phone or else I will get bored and fall asleep.

I also have a lot of other trouble with sleeping.  I do the bedtime revenge procrastination thing.  I don't even want to, but it happens.  I do feel that I am naturally more of an afternoon/evening person than a morning person, but the extent to which I struggle makes me wonder if I have an underlying sleep disorder.  I think that by taking care of issues one at a time, we'll narrow it down.  I hope.

If it's possible to get medication for this, I am going to try it.  I 100% believe that my inability to function on any kind of moderate level is part of why I burn out so easily.  I have an internship coming up that I really care about, and I would really like to be my best self for it.  It comes with a lot of opportunity and I don't need to blow it by not being able to focus or learn or grow.  In a job like tech where you have to think and problem-solve, being unable to focus your brain on something that isn't your deep interest is not ideal.

Anyway, I'll let y'all know how it goes.  I really hope I can get some help.  I would love for life to feel less hard.

I just saw the video that everyone is talking about.

TRIGGER WARNING:  Self Harm
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I just saw the video that everyone is talking about. I must be dead inside, because I am unbothered.

Cuts don't bother me. Not on myself or anyone else.

If he was getting a mammogram, then I might have been horrified for the rest of the night. That pulling sensation definitely feels worse to me than cuts.

I was actually talking about that on Monday with my therapist. They said that often people with Autism process pain differently.

Like, I definitely feel physical pain, but I don't often care that I do. If it's pain from an unknown reason, that's a bit scary. But if I'm injured and it hurts, it's supposed to, so I'm fine.

He's cutting himself, sometimes. Mostly, the clip I saw was him dragging a knife over his skin and moaning. He made very few new cuts, but seemed to enjoy it when he did.

I think the worst part is that he said he was committing self-death to the people who were watching his stream, and they seemed distraught by that, but were obviously unable to stop him in the moment.

I don't know. A lot of people seem really disturbed. I'm sorry if y'all were subjected to that without consent.

I met my new therapist today.

I met my new therapist today. I'm really optimistic that I can feel better.

I'm disgusting from singing and dancing in this heat.

I'm disgusting from singing and dancing in this heat.

BUT I TOUCHED CA7RIEL. Does it count as consent if he came off the stage right up to us with our hands outstretched?

I had grabby baby hands and I feel a little rude.

Paco didn't jump down, but put down his mic like he was gonna. I don't know how many times I felt like I was gonna pass out. This was great.

Ca7riel & Paco Amoroso put on an amazing show, again. I would drive 13 hours to see them any day. Hopefully again next year!

I made it to Texas.

I made it to Texas. Not all the way to Houston yet, though.

The air is so freakin' WET.  Gross. 😂😂😂

Some things that are troubling me:

Some things that are troubling me:

About 2 weeks ago, my Reddit account logged out.  I have not been able to log back in.  I submitted a ticket for help, but I still haven't received any help.  Also, now if I look up my account, it shows that it's banned.  For what, I have NO idea.

This has been very dysregulating.  I read myself to sleep every night on Reddit, so I was used to my feed being a certain way.  It was comforting.  I had saved a lot of posts with useful information.  I had a 700-something day streak.  I loved it.

I basically had to start over and try to re-create my feed.  It's still not like it was.  It still feels very "off" - like it's a bizarro universe and it makes me really sad.  I am still hopeful that I will get some help with my original account, but the hope is fading.  I don't know what to do.

I also haven't been spending too much time in the greenhouse, but the last two times I went out there, many of my plants had been chewed or completely eaten.  I don't know who is doing it, but Shaun put the camera back out there to see if we could catch whoever it is.  We don't know if it's birds or rodents or what, so we don't know how to stop it.  We do close the doors at night, but leave the top windows open for ventilation.  We might have to put up some screens, I guess.  I don't know.  But it's got me really sad.  Whole plants are missing.  Like they've either been devoured on the spot or uprooted and taken. 😭😭😭

Last thing (for now):  I'm too soft and Adrian ended up back in my room. Shaun's going to move her out and acclimate her to the living room/other cats while I'm away. I hope it's successful. I need a space to myself. If it doesn't work while I'm gone, then it can't be done. Shaun is great with cats and less of a pushover than I am right now.

I overextended myself yesterday.

I overextended myself yesterday.  I ended up exhausted and went to bed so early, then woke up in the middle of the night (peri peeps, y'all know the 3/4 am wakeup call.  It's a hormonal thing that turns us into werecougars.)  I usually just read myself back to sleep, but I was literally having dark thoughts and spiraling.

I feel only slightly better today.  I talked to Shaun and told him I need him out of the house sometimes.  I just need literal solitude.  My background processes don't stop listening for him or thinking about him when he's here.  I don't quite know the logistics of how he's different than the animals or the child I raised, but he is.  Shadow and the pets can be background.  Kira sleeps most of the day and tends to stay upstairs, but can definitely be a demand sometimes.  She's a gray area because I still view her as a kid even though I didn't fully raise her.  But Shaun is like a best friend that never leaves my house.  Just isolating in my bedroom is not helping me recover.  Don't get me wrong; sometimes I definitely need that, but it alone is not enough.

Thankfully, he has been looking for work outside of our home, and he's had a few good leads.  Maybe something will come through soon.  Also, he didn't take offense when I told him that I never get to miss him.  He understands.

We also had a talk about showing affection.  I have never been a hugger.  I'm actually not big on being touched.  Growing up, I didn't receive affection that way and most of the touch I received was violent in nature.  So I generally don't enjoy having hands coming towards me at all.  But when we started dating, I hugged Shaun.  I wanted to touch him and that was what people did, so I did it, too.  And I did enjoy it.  It's easy when things are new.

But now that's not the case and it's no one's fault.  His shirt is always covered in cat hair because that is our life right now, so when I hug him my face goes right into that.  It's a sensory nightmare.  I also don't like my face being smushed, but due to our height difference, my face goes right under/between his pecs.  Sometimes if I actually want to hug him, I just go under his shirt and that's better.  His chest hair doesn't stick to my face like cat hair.  So for years, I've just been doing this thing that I don't get anything out of because he seemed to need it and I thought it was what I was supposed to do.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.  Not like that, anyway.

If he's sitting and I'm standing, I greatly prefer those hugs.  His face is on my chest, and my face isn't getting smushed or haired.  I can enjoy those.  We haven't figured out how he can physically show me affection in a way that I will like yet; I don't like to be massaged or petted or anything like that.  I like it when we touch legs while hanging out.  That feels like not an attack.  Head bonks are cool.  I also like sitting next to each other, like a cuddle - like what cats and dogs do with us.  I don't know, but I don't feel like that's as big a deal right now as me letting go of the daily "demand" (of course he doesn't actually demand them; it's just a thing that I felt like I was supposed to do) of hugs that I don't like.

I feel like the worst partner.  I don't know why he likes me.  Even when I was (unknowingly) fully masking at the beginning of our relationship, I know I wasn't an easy person.  My mental health has only gotten worse/more complicated over the years, and he's still here, still putting in the work, still not taking any offense to anything I need to say - no matter how insensitive it may seem.  I feel very lucky, but also very confused.  Like, I don't get why anyone would choose the mess that I am, but whatever floats his goat, I guess.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days.

Me and Shaun went away for a couple of days. (More on that later.)

It was fun and hotel sleeping without a cat on my head was glorious (yes, moving Adrian downstairs FAILED).

But we got home yesterday and I immediately had to go to bed because I'd had zero alone time for 3 days.

Later this week I'm driving 13 hours through the desert and I am looking forward to those 13 hours like you wouldn't believe. Nobody can see me. Nobody can ask me for anything. Nobody can even talk to me if I don't want it.

Sometimes I worry that living with my husband was the wrong move. We do have separate spaces to retreat to, but either I'm so deep in burnout that being perceived is a stressor, or we just should've kept separate houses like we did for the first 10 years. I'm giving it until the dogs die (hopefully no time soon) before making any decisions or changes to our living situation, but...

Damn, it's hard.

Shaun is so great and I love him all the way. He is not doing anything wrong. It's just me. I'm built different and I feel like a terrible person and terrible partner because of it.

I'm still not feeling super social, but...

I'm still not feeling super social, but I'm starting to feel agitation from unread/unreplied-to notifications.  So if I respond to something you messaged or commented to me weeks ago, I apologize, but it is what it is.

On another note:

I love you.  Hang in there.  💙

Edited to add:  I got the comments knocked out.  Don't have the energy for whole messages yet.  But maybe this is a sign of return to personhood.  We will see.

Me...

Me, as young as I can remember, communicating with, understanding, and befriending animals.  They always say what they mean.

Me, in kindergarten, writing to the middle of the page with my left hand, and then switching to my right to finish out the page because I wanted things to be fair.

Me, in grade school, wondering if I would ever have friends whose parents weren't friends with my parents first.

Me, at 15 on my first trip to Six Flags, wondering why I hated having fun.

Me, in my teens, watching people succumb to peer pressure while remaining impervious to it.

Me, in my early 20s, deciding that I was done participating in the cycle of removing my body hair.  If men didn't have to, then I didn't, either.

Me, in my early 20s, figuring out that shaving my head made it easier to medicate/control my psoriasis, and that having skin flakes in long hair was a sensory nightmare I no longer had to endure.

Me, in my early 20s, finally out on my own, starting to struggle with schedules and routines and wondering how everyone else did it.

Me, in my late 20s, watching my 6th grade child set an alarm, shower, and catch the bus by himself because I wasn't a reliable, on-time, ride to school.

Me, in my 30s, looking back at the cycle of go hard/burn out, feeling like a broken person because "Why am I like this?"

Me, in my 30s, feeling the weight of everything crash down.  Full-blown depression, nothing in life accomplished, and barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis.  Heavily dependent on antidepressants, and Shaun body-doubling my life to drag me out of that hell.

Me, in my 40s, burned out.  Exhausted.  Confused.  Autistic.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm.

Got out of bed at like, 7-something pm. Just had a breakfast of 1/2 of an Impossible Whopper and a few sips of Dr. Pepper - definitely not my morning routine. Definitely not the kind of meals I usually eat.

I'm in a funk.

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood...

I'm still on the strugglebus back to personhood, but I'm getting there - baby-step by baby-step.

I have been trying to prioritize self-care and doing things I love.  I did some basic nail care the other day, as well as watered my plants (a little later than I wanted to, but they're ok).  I have still been resting a lot.  Still not making plans.  Just existing and trying to find my way back.

This afternoon while I was doing my "morning" routine, Shaun asked me for help with something.  It was simple and he could handle it and my routine is important, so I told him I wanted to have my (freshly made) tea right then.  I wasn't opposed to helping him later if he still needed it (he didn't)(also, it wasn't an urgent task), but there was nothing wrong with protecting my routine since it helps me start my day.  I always knew I hated to be disturbed when I'm DOING A THING, like my routine, but I never realized how actually dysregulating it was.

I didn't grow up being able to say "No", and I've carried that with me my whole life.  It made me into a people-pleaser (even though I know that wasn't the intent).  Anytime anyone asks me for something, whether it's my time or money or work or sympathy or attention or anything, I usually just drop what I'm doing and say "Yes."  It never mattered if I wanted to; other people's wants came first.  It didn't matter if it caused me distress; saying "No" often caused more.  So now I'm working HARD to undo that.

Shaun and Kira were talking earlier while I was trying to work on something, and after a bit it started to bother me.  I said "I'm starting to feel overstimulated.  I need some quiet."  Kira said ok and went upstairs.  I told Shaun to kiss me goodnight and go away.  And he did and I was happy about it.

I am thankful that the 3 people I spend the most time around are not offended by this.  I am thankful that they understand my preferred style of communication, and respect my communicated needs.  I think they are exactly who I need to keep practicing with until I'm confident enough to be more myself, more often.  The real challenge is going to be not fawning outside of this house.

This is how I'm doing.  This is me, unmasking.  This is me, not putting myself last.

It feels weird, but I'm not going to stop.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.  But I'm gonna have a ramble because it helps me.  I know I have messages and comments waiting for my response, and I will get to them when I have more energy.  I'm still functioning in battery saver mode.

I watered all of my greenhouse plants today.  Adding an extra watering tray and bucket made it possible to get that done in one afternoon, so that's nice.  I know that sounds like an energetic activity, but it was supposed to be done on Sunday (rather than today, Tuesday); today was just 1) the first time I was out of bed early enough in the day to do it, and 2) the first time I felt like I could move my body that much.  My succulents are a special interest of mine, so it gives me some dopamine to go out there and just exist with them.  Also, the weather was really great.

I have a bunch of plants on my potting desk that need to be taken care of.  I thought about tackling those today, too, but... I've realized that I spend my energy like a poor person spends money.  (I both grew up and raised a child below the poverty line, so I literally know what it's like.)  That is, to say:  I use it (energy/money) when I have it.  But much like money, if I always spend what I have, how do I ever build up a reserve?  Speaking physically, how do I store up enough energy to climb out of this damn hole?

While I'm over here trying to navigate the Autistic burnout I've found myself in, I've learned that I struggle with poor interoception.  If I can't even tell when I have to use the bathroom before it's a peemergency, how am I supposed to know what my energy level is?  Because I definitely do not.  And I will tell you now that looking back over my adult life, I have consistently worked in cycles of go hard/burn out.  It doesn't matter if it's cleaning the house or a project or a hobby or what... I will find a way to not approach the task with balance.

What's messed up is that it's not intentional.  Yes, the feeling of getting something done after a "go hard" feels great.  People are like "Wow, you did so much!"  And I did!  And it's done!  But the crash after sucks, and it's getting harder to recover from as I age.  Slow and steady is NOT fun for me.  It is NOT rewarding.  It is boring.  I like getting one thing done and then moving onto the next.  But society doesn't function that way, and in order to fit into society in some capacity (like hold a job so I can support myself), I have to do things in ways that do not feel natural to me.

If it was acceptable to create an app in 6 weeks and then ONLY rest for the next 6 weeks, I'd probably be ok.  But society expects constant output.  I do have a family and pets and friends.  I have a house and yard and job (and up until last week, school, as well).  All of those things come with demands on my time and energy, so there is no pure rest for 6 weeks.  Therefore, I can't let my battery get this low again.

Maybe it will be healthier in the long run to budget my energy; I really don't know.  But what I do know is that I don't know how to tell how much energy I do have; really, I can only tell when I'm definitely out, so this is tricky as shit.  1 energy could = 1 million energy as far as I know.  Either I feel like doing things or I do not, just like I either have to pee or I do not.

Anyway.  I think I'm going to bed.  Whatever my energy budget was for the day, I definitely spent some, so I'd better go replenish it before I accidentally overdraw (again).

If y'all have any tips for me on how to tell how I feel, I'd love for you to share.  I can use all of the help I can get!

💙

I'm definitely not ok.

I'm definitely not ok.

I've been reading about how to come back from Autistic Burnout, and aside from sleeping/resting and not "shoulding" myself, I discovered that I haven't been doing enough.  It is no wonder that my recovery isn't going well.

I haven't reduced demands upon my time much.  I haven't stopped masking as much as I could.  I'm about to address both of those things right now.

Saturday is my last UI/UX class.  In retrospect, I should have quit the class when I found out that I was in burnout; I did try, but the teacher was too nice and flexible and while it did get more interesting, it has definitely been too large of a drain on my energy.  I will not be taking anymore classes for the foreseeable future.  I also plan to take at least a month's hiatus from any in-person hangouts.  It is time to focus on myself and start deep healing.

Regarding masking:

I feel like I'm more myself on the Internet than I am in person (save for a very few people that I am close to); however, I still fawn for y'all.  I tend to not post anything controversial.  I did write the AI post recently, but in general I tend to steer clear of writing anything that will make people uncomfortable or unhappy with me.

I'm going to introduce myself to y'all now.  If you don't like me, that's ok.  Handle it however you deem necessary; but just know that I will not argue with you about who I am.  Accept me or don't; those are your options.

My name is Blu.  I have Autism.  I loathe small talk.  I am an Agnostic Atheist.  I believe in Science.  I am a Feminist.  Your body, your choice - regarding pregnancy, drugs, alcohol, sex, anything - as long as you are not causing harm to anyone else.  Black Lives Matter.  No one is illegal on stolen land built by stolen hands.  Trans men are men and trans women are women.  Love is Love.  Access to food, water, shelter, and medical care are basic human rights.  There are no ethical billionaires.

I believe in direct communication.  I will no longer put in the work to read between your lines.  If you are unable to articulate a thought or direction clearly, that is a you problem, not a me problem.  Do better.  The exception to this is a work/school environment; I will always try to make sure that I understand the assignment before completing it.

Regarding communication, it is not rude to be direct and clear.  It saves confusion and misunderstanding, and it is effective.  This is a neurotypical problem, not a neurodivergent problem.  This is a case in which NTs should adjust for NDs.  Work on your communication skills.  Communicate accessibly.  You are not a parking spot and have no obligation to be accessible, but it would be nice if you cared to try.

I don't say any of this to scare people away.  I don't want my timeline to become an echo chamber.  I know that I have many friends who will not agree with me on everything I've written.  That's fine.  Just know that I've loved and accepted you regardless of our differences.  If you can't do the same for me, then it's time we part ways.

If you feel the need to debate me about anything I've written in this post, be aware that I am not going to engage.  I will simply delete the friendship.  I am introducing my whole self in an attempt to heal.  I don't have the energy to defend myself for being who I am, and anyone who feels that I should spend the precious little energy I have left engaging them rather than doing self care is not anyone who has my best interests at heart.

Love me or leave me.

You better gangway.

You better hit bull's eye;

the kid don't play.

💙💙💙