I've still got my social life (including online) paused.

I've still got my social life (including online) paused.  But I'm gonna have a ramble because it helps me.  I know I have messages and comments waiting for my response, and I will get to them when I have more energy.  I'm still functioning in battery saver mode.

I watered all of my greenhouse plants today.  Adding an extra watering tray and bucket made it possible to get that done in one afternoon, so that's nice.  I know that sounds like an energetic activity, but it was supposed to be done on Sunday (rather than today, Tuesday); today was just 1) the first time I was out of bed early enough in the day to do it, and 2) the first time I felt like I could move my body that much.  My succulents are a special interest of mine, so it gives me some dopamine to go out there and just exist with them.  Also, the weather was really great.

I have a bunch of plants on my potting desk that need to be taken care of.  I thought about tackling those today, too, but... I've realized that I spend my energy like a poor person spends money.  (I both grew up and raised a child below the poverty line, so I literally know what it's like.)  That is, to say:  I use it (energy/money) when I have it.  But much like money, if I always spend what I have, how do I ever build up a reserve?  Speaking physically, how do I store up enough energy to climb out of this damn hole?

While I'm over here trying to navigate the Autistic burnout I've found myself in, I've learned that I struggle with poor interoception.  If I can't even tell when I have to use the bathroom before it's a peemergency, how am I supposed to know what my energy level is?  Because I definitely do not.  And I will tell you now that looking back over my adult life, I have consistently worked in cycles of go hard/burn out.  It doesn't matter if it's cleaning the house or a project or a hobby or what... I will find a way to not approach the task with balance.

What's messed up is that it's not intentional.  Yes, the feeling of getting something done after a "go hard" feels great.  People are like "Wow, you did so much!"  And I did!  And it's done!  But the crash after sucks, and it's getting harder to recover from as I age.  Slow and steady is NOT fun for me.  It is NOT rewarding.  It is boring.  I like getting one thing done and then moving onto the next.  But society doesn't function that way, and in order to fit into society in some capacity (like hold a job so I can support myself), I have to do things in ways that do not feel natural to me.

If it was acceptable to create an app in 6 weeks and then ONLY rest for the next 6 weeks, I'd probably be ok.  But society expects constant output.  I do have a family and pets and friends.  I have a house and yard and job (and up until last week, school, as well).  All of those things come with demands on my time and energy, so there is no pure rest for 6 weeks.  Therefore, I can't let my battery get this low again.

Maybe it will be healthier in the long run to budget my energy; I really don't know.  But what I do know is that I don't know how to tell how much energy I do have; really, I can only tell when I'm definitely out, so this is tricky as shit.  1 energy could = 1 million energy as far as I know.  Either I feel like doing things or I do not, just like I either have to pee or I do not.

Anyway.  I think I'm going to bed.  Whatever my energy budget was for the day, I definitely spent some, so I'd better go replenish it before I accidentally overdraw (again).

If y'all have any tips for me on how to tell how I feel, I'd love for you to share.  I can use all of the help I can get!

💙