I haven't been doing ok.

I haven't been doing ok.

Dealing with burnout and discovering that it's related to Autism (that I didn't know I had) has been a whole journey.  I only found out in early March and it explains a lot of things, but I'm still trying to understand how to make existence easier.  In this case, I don't feel like knowing has been half of the battle.

I've been keeping to myself more and resting.  I've been going to my room when I need actual quiet and regulation.  Shaun has been handling things like grocery shopping for a while, but now I know why I hate it and I will probably tag along even less because it's a stress I can avoid.

I have long said that Shaun knows me better than anyone, and I guess what I was trying to say before but didn't have the context to put into words is that I mask less around him than I ever have with anyone else, aside from maybe Shadow (my son).  It's something I've done since childhood and it happens so automatically with most people that I don't even know how to stop.

But I guess progress is knowing when I'm not ok and when I'll definitely be slipping the mask on, and trying not to put myself in situations where I have to use that energy when my battery is already low.  Lately, that means opting out of things I'd normally like to do, like seeing friends, going to the Cactus & Succulent society sales and events, going to the tech socials, even chatting to friends, etc.  I'm just running on fumes and I'm not sure how to refill the tank.  All of the sleep in the world doesn't seem to be helping.

Losing Scar and Ash last week has been terrible for my mental health.  I have felt so raw and weepy.  It's taken a week to adjust to sleeping without Scar on my face, and to stop listening for him all night.  Adrian (the other old kitty in my bedroom) is a great snuggler.  She's enjoying being the main character now, but I need to trim her nails.  She is very jumpy and launches herself away at the slightest noise or movement, and she is scratching me in tender places (like the backs or insides of my upper arms), and I just really don't need the physical pain right now.

I haven't showered in about a week and I don't know when I will.  I haven't yet deep-cleaned my bedroom or changed sheets from the ones that Scar last slept on.  I've been living on toast and waffles because the most "cooking" I can get myself to do is use the toaster.

I'm medicated for depression, but I feel like I'm having a bit of breakthrough depression... but like, I think it's normal to be not ok right now.  And I'm not.  🤷🏻