Part 3:
Now that I am able to be part of my own team... I'm able to put US first. I have an example.
A few years back, I had a friend ask me to help her move. That's usually not a huge deal. But in this particular case, it was.
It entailed me taking a few days off from work, renting a van with my own money, driving 6 hours to her place, packing her up, and driving her about 12 hours to her new destination. I also had to pay for gas, and the hotel we stayed in, as well as my expense to get back home.
She asked me to do it and for whatever reason, that made it feel like my problem.
Shaun didn't want me to do it. Logically, missing work suddenly and unnecessarily isn't great. That also wasn't a cheap venture. It was a long way to go. I didn't know anything about the place I was taking her to. He had every sensible reason to not want me to do this, but I was determined. It felt very important to me, and I guess to him it seemed more important to me than the amount that he didn't want me to do it, so he agreed. He didn't like it, but he didn't fight me about it. So I did it.
It was not fun. I didn't enjoy it. It was expensive. It was stressful. The weather wasn't great. There was a lot of information that I didn't have up front that would have made me not do it... stuff I'd have never even thought to ask about. But I helped my friend and it felt nice. Unfortunately, it was never enough for her. She eventually asked me to move her even further; much more out of my way. I didn't do it because I couldn't take off work again. But if I didn't have something rigid stopping me, I might have.
Looking back at that is pretty crazy. People always give you advice, like "You have to take care of yourself first." And I always agreed with that logically, but I was never able to live it. I don't know why I couldn't. I don't know if it's because I was always having to be "the fixer" when I grew up. I don't know if it's because other people's problems were some kind of break from my own. Or maybe they felt more important because they wouldn't have asked if it wasn't an emergency (which isn't true, but that's how I've always operated).
So to recap: Shaun didn't want me to do it. I was using our money to handle this, even though we were trying to save. He was worried for my safety, which is valid on a long trip. And if I didn't get to do it despite all of that I would have been very upset. I would've felt controlled. I would've felt like I needed "permission" despite being grown. I would have resented not doing it.
That's the kind of partner I've been for 18 years. I've been this way with fostering animals. I've been this way with helping people who help create their own problems. I've been this way in regards to money; impulse shopping when we needed to save.
I am not proud of this.
In truth I was always doing my best, and I know that Shaun knows that or he wouldn't have stuck around. I needed therapy. I needed healthcare. I needed medication. And especially living in Alabama, I didn't usually have access to those things before it became an urgent situation. Being in a state that offers Medicaid to everyone has helped me make some pretty great strides the last few years, and I am grateful for that. Now that I can do better, I absolutely am.
Right now, at this point in my life, I can say this AND live it:
Everyone else's problems are not my problems on a personal level. Politically, I will always vote on the side of compassion because I do want my taxes to help others who need it. I don't care if you feel that some "unworthy" person may benefit; I feel it's better to help a few "grifters" than let so many struggling people fall through the cracks, like I did at pretty much every turn while living in a red state. Struggling isn't a personality flaw. Neither is poverty.
Right now I am privileged to be in a state with healthcare, as well as having just started a good job. I feel optimistic in a sustained way for the first time in my life.
For this family of 4 humans plus pets I was the main breadwinner for 3 years, but I was unemployed/under-employed for over a year after being laid off. Our backup money is gone. We have more credit card debt than we've ever had. We are better off financially than many people despite that... even some people that I care a lot about, but I have to put us first. We have no retirement. We have no savings. We're in the hole. Financially, I cannot help anyone without hurting us.
Emotionally/Mentally, I am taking this time to continue healing. This has been a wild year being diagnosed as AuDHD. It's explained a lot, and revealed a lot. There is much to process. I still care about friends and family, of course, but if I find any excess mental or emotional energy, my feeling is that Shaun has dibs since he has poured so much into me over the years. Other people who are there for me are next in line because maintaining those relationships are important, as well.
Mentally/Physically, I am not taking on any tasks outside of what my career and the living beings on my property require. I am not volunteering anywhere. I'm not creating new projects. I'm not adopting any animals. I am putting any extra energy I have into "catching up" on my list of things that if I complete, will make me feel like I have my shit together. It will take however long it takes and until then, I can't spend my energy on others without reducing my capacity here, and that is something that I am just no longer willing to do.
It feels very strange because I used to, in a way, think that people who didn't help others were selfish or greedy; especially if it SEEMED LIKE they had the means. But my thinking is able to be more flexible now, and I can see that setting myself on fire to keep others warm isn't the right move. I can also now see that hurting myself hurts my husband, and it's not ok to repeatedly hurt your teammate. It wasn't ok before, but now that I can do something about it the change has been made.
Doormat Blu has left the building. Team Xenethos has entered.
