I'm here to overshare again. 😂 Part 1.

I'm here to overshare again.  😂  Part 1.

Since starting ADHD meds, I have noticed that I am finding it a ton easier to be a Team Player with Shaun.  I never DIDN'T want to be; it just literally felt impossible to do, and I'm not quite sure why.  He's always been there for me, always supported me, and always looked out for me.  He's never given me a reason not to trust him.  He's very stable and consistent.

And yet, there have always been times that I'm like "I have to look out for myself."  Like, even if we were having a calm conversation and had different points of view, that always triggered me into thinking (not logically, obviously... maybe it was more of a feeling), that he was seeking to control me or change me somehow.  So I could logic myself out of that, but by my initial reaction, he could see that I somehow felt uncomfortable or unsafe in some way.

We don't really fight or argue, but we have definitely had a recurring conversation over the years about how we're a team, and he doesn't understand why I can't believe that he's on my side.  I know that has been very hurtful and frustrating for him.  And the thing was:  Logically I knew he was solid, but emotionally there was still something firing "caution" in my brain.

I have some suspicions on why that might be.  I was raised to never trust or depend on anyone else, so there is that.  Independence is great, but being in a partnership with someone doesn't usually allow for that completely.  So if your independence is the priority, it doesn't seem fair to enter into a relationship or partnership where you need to consider another person's wants and needs instead of always having things your way.

I'm gonna pause there and say something else:

I have read and been told that starting ADHD meds could possibly cause me to feel much more autistic than I did before.

In my case, it's been the opposite.

I still have sensory triggers.  I still miss the jokes.  I still answer rhetorical questions.  I still suck at reading between the lines and prefer direct communication.

But hearing someone skeet their feet doesn't ruin my day.  Yes, it hurts me and I cringe, but then I can shake it off.

I ordered some shredded chicken tacos the other day.  I got ground beef instead.  I don't eat beef or ground meat in general, but I ate those tacos and it wasn't even a struggle.  (If I'd been inside the restaurant, I would've asked for chicken, but it was a DoorDash and not worth the trouble to change it.)  Before, I would have had to have the right thing, or just find something else to eat, or would have just not eaten at all.

So somehow, being medicated has made me feel LESS autistic; or at least more able to handle things than I could before.  I feel more flexible.  Or just ABLE TO BE flexible.  And it's amazing.

And all of this comes together in such a way that I FINALLY, after 18 years together, can truly feel like a team with my husband.

Part 2 on the way.