Part 2:

Part 2:

Before meds, I was just living.  I was just trying my best.  I was in fight or flight, so chatting felt unnecessary and like a waste of energy and time.  I knew I needed a job, so what else was there to say?  Leave me alone and let me stress out, please.

Now that I'm medicated I've been talking to Shaun a lot more.  Just in general about how we'd like for things to be, what our plans are, etc.  I've been checking in with him more about how he's doing.  I kind of feel like it might be annoying, but he assures me that it's not.

What I've found is that even if we don't have the same perspective on our topic I'm not having that "Caution!" feeling come up.  I don't feel like he's trying to change or control me.  It doesn't even cross my mind, and I love that.  It's a huge fucking relief to be honest.

I don't know if this is part of not living in fight or flight, but that sounds quite plausible.  When you're existing in that state of stress and having to rely on cortisol to get anything done, everything feels like an emergency.  And when you're in a crisis state like that you are hypervigilant for threats.  It doesn't matter if they're real; you're looking for them and you feel/react accordingly.  Sure, you may be able to logic your way out of it later, but that doesn't change your initial reaction or the hurt it causes.

Now that I'm medicated I'm not using cortisol just to live, so in general everything feels easier.  But I also feel like I am able to be a better partner and part of this team, whereas that just wasn't the case before regardless of how hard I tried.

It's just something that I have been mulling over the last week or so, and I wanted to share in case it resonated with anyone.

Part 3 incoming.