Writing it now.

Several of my tasks today are on the computer, so I've had a thought and I wanted to write it now so I don't have to add it to the list.

The doctor who diagnosed me with ADHD said that my medication could cause a lack of appetite/appetite suppressant effect, so I stopped taking Semaglutide when I started my ADHD meds.

The food noise has not returned.

The ADHD meds have quieted my brain, including the food noise, so overeating/emotional eating/stim eating, etc., is not currently a problem for me.

All of my experiences over the last few weeks after being medicated have made me wonder if there are better questions doctors could ask to help people who don't have the language for what they are struggling with to articulate their struggles.

For example, no one has ever asked me "When trying to manage your weight, does the typical advice of eating healthy foods, counting calories, etc., work for you?"  That would have been an absolute "No."  When your brain is only capable of doing the most important/most interesting task at the moment, counting calories feels impossible.  Food noise is there, regardless of the reason.  Impulse control is low because we're maxed out just trying to do the most basic shit.  Of course that doesn't work.

Or maybe this one:

"When trying to change your schedule and using the advice of good sleep hygiene, consistent bed times, no screens, no caffeine after certain times, etc., do you still struggle?"  Because that would have been a resounding yes.  Trying to fix my schedule didn't work because my brain didn't shut off and I had no control over that.  It wasn't actually that I am terrible and lazy and inconsistent; it was simply that that advice wasn't going to work for me because there was an underlying, untreated problem (ADHD).

Basically, what I'm saying is, "If you've tried advice that works for neurotypicals, how does that work out for you?  Is it helpful?  Are you able to make meaningful changes or lasting improvements?"

That would have been a huge eye-opener for me.  I 100% do not believe that people are just shitty, lazy, or unmotivated, though I often felt that way before (about myself) and I've definitely heard those terms used to describe people with ADHD.  I don't think people choose to exist that way; they just literally don't realize that there could be a medical issue and that no matter how hard they try, TRYING doesn't change it; just like TRYING not to have a thyroid problem doesn't change the fact that you do.  You need medical intervention.

Kira got her ADHD diagnosis on paper on Friday (we were already pretty sure, but she wanted confirmation).  She didn't want medicine without that, and I think it's fair and logical to want proof of an issue before medicating for it.

I went upstairs earlier and she apologized for it being messy.  And all I could even say to her was "I know you're doing your best.  I don't think you're a bad person or lazy.  You just need some treatment so you can function better."

Because I have literally, at least since my early 20s, pretty consistently beat myself up for struggling - because I didn't know that I was.  And I could tell by her apology that she is doing the same.  There was no fucking way I was going to pile on.  I told her the mess could wait, and that all I really wanted was for her to make her health and well-being the priority, and to be open to medication (because it changed my life, and I don't want to see her struggle needlessly).

My diagnosis and medication have changed my life for the better - literally.  I feel brand new at 43 years old.  I don't want my kids to struggle for 20 more years.  And now that I know what I'm looking at when I see a mess or a light left on or them awake at random hours, I'm going to parent them differently, as well.  I'm going to encourage treatment, but I'm going to be as patient as I can until we get there.  Because they're not shitty or lazy or unmotivated (not that I ever thought they were; I just didn't understand why "simple" things seemed so hard).  They are struggling and actually doing their best, and I can't ask for more than that. 

I mentioned yesterday that the day didn't go as planned.

I mentioned yesterday that the day didn't go as planned.  It really didn't and I didn't do everything I wanted to, but the important stuff got done.

Since I'm still adjusting to medication and the work schedule and all of that, I have been pretty serious about resting on the weekends, even if that means sleeping until I naturally wake up.  But Shaun forgot his work badge and woke me up close to 9.  I think he caught me in a deep sleep cycle or something, because I was a mess all day - even after taking my ADHD meds.  For whatever reason, I never fully shifted out of Goblin Mode, and started to get a headache around 3.  I had a list of things I wanted to do, but ended up napping from around 4-6, then going to bed at 8:30.  Thankfully, I woke up naturally today and feel fine.  Brain-wise, anyway.

Yesterday, one of my important tasks was doing some mechanic-ing on the Hyundai because Shadow had some things to do and we needed it running.  Something happened behind the glove box so it wouldn't shut fully, and that meant that the glove box light stayed on and the battery died.  It would run if we jumped it, but no longer hold a charge and wouldn't re-crank.  The car is a 2011 and that was the original battery, I'm pretty sure, so we weren't upset at having to replace it.

This is normally the kind of task I'd leave to Shaun (due to sensory issues or due to me feeling overwhelmed; not because I'm incapable), but he was working and Shadow needed the car that day and since I am now able to take better care of myself and don't exist in a constant state of overwhelm, I did the damn thing.

Shadow helped me, which was great.  First of all, the Hyundai doesn't have the stick that props the hood open; it has some sort of hydraulic thing that no longer works, so someone had to hold the hood open.  Secondly, it was just really nice to spend time with him.  Thirdly, he had a great idea that kept the task of removing the dead battery from taking wayyy longer than necessary (and wayyy longer than it already had).

I'm sure that people who work on cars already know this, but it's cramped as hell in there.  My hands and arms are bruised and sore from trying to get in there to unscrew the thing that holds the battery down.  Also, we needed a 12mm thing to unscrew it, which we did not have, so I was trying to maneuver an adjustable wrench and failing pretty hard.  Shadow asked if we could just unscrew and move the major thing that was in the way, and at first I was scared to, but then I was like, "I think we have to."  So we did.  And that was great.

Then we took the battery to Auto Zone and bought a replacement, went home and got it installed, and BOOM - the car is fine.

Shaun texted at some point and asked if they installed the battery.  I was like "Who?"  And he replied "Auto Zone."  And I was like, "No, me and Shadow did."  And he said if we'd driven the car there that they would have installed it, but that would have meant jumping the car (which me and Shadow both didn't want to do).  So apparently, there was a much easier way to accomplish our task, but I was actually having fun despite touching metal tools and getting dirty.  😆

I'm not going to pretend that the struggle wasn't real, because it was.  Like I said, I never fully exited Goblin Mode yesterday.  But despite the challenges, we got it done, me and Shadow did teamwork on that bitch, and all is well.  He made it safely to his destination and back home yesterday, so I couldn't really ask for more than that.

The only other thing I did was meet up with a friend to do a plant swap.  Once again, Colleen hooked me up and I left feeling like I came out on the better end, but I do have some bulbs and plant hangers and a cactus to give her when my brain is having a better day.  And we've discussed swapping pollen and making cactus babies together, so I'm like, dying inside of excitement about that.  I have been interested in trying to grow them from seed for a while, but sometimes it's easier to do things with a friend.

So today, I have some tasks to catch up on because I didn't get to them yesterday, but that's ok.  I have a list.  Aside from sore hands, I'm good.  I'm about to get started and see how it goes.

I hope you all are having a nice day.  With how everything is for me right now, I'm really busy and really tired by the time I make it home every day, but I do believe that things will ease up, especially once work from home becomes an option.  So if I'm not liking or responding or posting during the week, it's just because I'm exhausted and have been (and been able to!) prioritize chores and rest, rather than screaming into the void hoping to find a solution to a strained existence.

I love you all!  Be well!

I didn't do plant stuff, but...

I didn't do plant stuff, but I did everything else I wanted to today, plus cleaned and organized my side of the closet. I'm not mad about that.

The great thing about succulents is that they are pretty tough, thank goodness.

It's 11pm and I'm still awake, but...

It's 11pm and I'm still awake, but I slept until I was done this morning (which was around 9 am), so I took my meds a little late and that makes sense.  I'm getting really tired, but right after I post this I'm going to put my last load of laundry in the dryer and call it a night.

It's been a good day.

I took a bath.  I cleaned Adrian's litter box.  I did a grocery and prescription pickup.  I hung out with Caitlin and had a really nice time.  We shopped and split some street tacos and it was great.  Once back home, I vacuumed downstairs as well as my bedroom, did all of my laundry, swept the downstairs, cleaned the downstairs litter boxes, did the dishes, put my prescription in my little daily boxes, changed my sheets, and opened the windows to air out the house.  Usually, I go so hard I don't even sit down or rest because I know it's over if I stop, but today that wasn't the case.  I just wanted things done and didn't do them at a breakneck pace.  I don't feel that I will be wiped out tomorrow.  I don't even feel wiped out now.  I feel relieved and prepared for the upcoming week.

I have decided that Sundays are for me (and Shaun, since it's currently our only mutual day off).  I want to water my plants and do my nails.  Shaun said we should go on a date, so we'll probably do that, too.  We need to feed Habibi, so I'm sure we can work that in.  He has some tasks for his off days, including getting the Hyundai running again and cleaning the cat fountain.  I just didn't want him to spend all of his off days doing housework.  His job is more physically draining, and mine is sitting around, so it actually felt pretty nice to be up and moving.

I have news.  I have a job interview on Monday.  I'm very excited about it.

I feel like a different person.  I bought a laundry rack to take care of my bougie work clothes.  Who knows what's next.  Maybe I'll buy an iron.  😆  Actually, I have a clothes steamer that works really well, so maybe I don't need an iron.  We'll see.

I have misplaced one of my nice bougie blazers, but I think it will turn up.  I hope so.  I currently have no idea where it is, but I'm working on that.

I know this was another long ramble, but it helps me to get my thoughts out.

I hope you all are doing well.  If not, please reach out to me.  I'm happy to help give pointers to get things going in the right direction.  I am not a doctor, but I have struggled for a long time and could possibly help you get your symptoms under control.

Anyway, I'm calling it a night.  I love you and I miss you.  Goodnight.  💙 

I've been told twice this week that I look happy.

I've been told twice this week that I look happy.

And I do. Because I am.

It's not like I wasn't able to feel happiness before medication, because I did. I had happy moments. But never just a sustained happiness.

Before meds, I could only feel things if they were strong or if I was focused on the feeling. Now I can notice my feelings and feel them. I really think that starting medication will help therapy be more effective. I was always good at picking things apart with logic, but I think that can only take you so far. Your body is part of the process, too.

Speaking of... I haven't had a migraine since starting ADHD meds, and they were becoming so frequent that I was getting ready to ask to see a specialist about them. So, that's interesting.

The way the tired hit me last night...

The way the tired hit me last night, I barely made it up the stairs. I forgot to feed Adrian (Shaun did it), flossed one tooth (I guess TECHNICALLY, 1 time between 2 teeth), and laid down. 😂😂😂

I was so exhausted yesterday...

I was so exhausted yesterday that I went to sleep at 8 pm.

Now I'm ok again.

Nice.

It was definitely after midnight that I fell asleep...

It was definitely after midnight that I fell asleep, likely closer to 1. And I'm awake now, with minimal fuss.

I like it.

Before, if I didn't get my 12 hours and a nap, I couldn't function.

This is much better.

I should be asleep, but...

I should be asleep, but there seems to be a very specific window of time in the evenings when my ADHD meds have worn off just enough that I'm tired, but are still in my system enough to quiet my brain and allow me to fall asleep easily. I missed that window today.

I got started studying for CompTIA Sec+, and it was too interesting. 😅

Speaking of, do any of y'all have any good resources for courses and/or study material for that certification?

It's been a few days since I've been on here much.

It's been a few days since I've been on here much.  The internship + commute are keeping me busy, so by the time I get home, I eat, do my Duolingo, and basically go to bed.  I might scroll reddit for a few minutes, but then my body shuts down and I SLEEP.  It's nice.  I am really enjoying waking up feeling rested.

This morning I got up around 9 and talked to Shaun after I had my breakfast.  I have not been able to engage in any meaningful conversation at home with him over the last year because I was constantly in fight or flight, so I'd have to change my environment (like go on a date) in order to focus on him.  But we talked for several hours and have a tentative game plan for how we'd like things to be moving forward.

I noticed another thing this week regarding being medicated for ADHD.  I've been able to set and keep boundaries.  Yes, I always knew logically that they were important, but knowing about something and being able to DO SOMETHING are two entirely different things.

I think that being able to do this now extends from a similar place of me being able to feel my body and my needs, which I struggled with before.  For example, my bodily functions (like peeing or eating); if it wasn't an emergency, it wasn't on my radar, but now it is.

At this moment, it doesn't feel wrong or stress me out to look out for myself or say that I need to rest or leave a task for tomorrow.  Things can need to be done without needing to be an emergency.  It's really ok.  This is such a better headspace to be in.

I am still having a lot of feelings, but that's ok.  I am just taking them as they come.

One of the feelings that I have right now is ambition and an eagerness to do things, but I am not taking on any other tasks or responsibilities right now.  I think it would be in my best interest to just do my best at the internship, and if I have leftover energy, to do things like update my app, swatch my polish, or check off any number of other things on my list.  I actually checked a couple of things off today, which feels really nice.

I am grateful that I feel better, but I definitely do not believe that 20+ years of exhaustion and stress melted off of my body and mind with the addition of one little pill over the last week.  I want to give myself space to rest and heal, as much as that could be possible, given my current workload of internship and teaching.

What's funny is that before medication, I would have jumped into a new thing with both feet, consequences be damned.  I really love this version of myself.  I love that I am able to pause, check in with myself, and make a decision from there.  I feel like in a lot of ways, I'm just now getting to know me because I couldn't find myself under the chaos before.  I am excited for this journey.

I feel like a Chaos Goblin.

I feel like a Chaos Goblin. I bet this is why people can exercise. I might have to try that again now that my wiring is corrected. 😂

The way I just stopped this guy...

The way I just stopped this guy working outside and bought him breakfast in exchange for a hug. I've had an emotional weekend and no squeezes because Shaun is sick and I've avoided him.

I got to practice my Spanish, as well.

I...

I removed my gel overlay because it was peeling and a mess. I have also replaced it.

I don't think I've ever had time to do plants and nails in the same day.

I also washed my work clothes.

There are a few things left to do (feed Tort Baby, feed Habibi, and sweep/clean the litter boxes in the sunroom).

I would normally struggle through doing the animal work (but do it because I care about them), and neglect everything else.

This is wild. I feel like I have so much more time now.

I have finished watering my plants, and now I'm resting.

I have finished watering my plants, and now I'm resting.

I'm usually not out of bed before 1pm unless I HAVE to be.

I usually put off chores until THE LAST MINUTE. I'll be in the greenhouse watering plants by lamp at night because I couldn't function well enough to use the free daylight.

I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but ADHD meds are allowing me to be the person I've always wanted to be; the person I could only be in fits and starts; when the moon was in the right phase, Freddie Mercury was drinking Gatorade, AND I held my mouth just right. It was unpredictable when I could do things when and how I wanted, and the cost for that burst of "correctness" was high.

If other people's advice on how to exist doesn't work for you, I think it would be in your best interest to be tested. This shit is literally a disability. But it's one that may have a solution, and I'm telling you that the relief is real, and that you deserve it.

I forgot to turn off my alarm for the holiday.

I forgot to turn off my alarm for the holiday.

Normally, I'd be super upset and immediately go back to sleep.

Today, I am not mad. I'm also not as groggy as I normally am when unexpectedly waking up.

Since I want to water some plants before it gets hot and need to work on shifting my schedule, I have very easily decided to stay awake and get the day started.

I do feel like I could sleep more, but it doesn't feel like I HAVE TO in order to function.

Suddenly, everyone's advice on how to shift a schedule, get things done, etc., makes sense. It's do-able for a lot of people.

I have felt broken all of my life for failing at many "easy" things. And I guess I was, but I didn't know in what way. It really wasn't until the last few years that I started to suspect I have ADHD. And even then, I was SUPER doubtful. But the change this medication has made has literally been life-changing.

Day 3 of generic Ritalin.

If any of my struggle posts resonate with you, please do yourself a favor and get an evaluation. It's never too late for life to get easier.

Today has been pretty good.

Today has been pretty good.

I visited a friend this morning, and didn't even have to lay down about it after I got home.  I did nap this afternoon, but that was unrelated.  It was just rest.

We went to a thrift store, and I didn't buy anything.  I am usually very impulsive in shopping situations, but I didn't even have to try hard not to be.  I just kind of... wasn't.

When I was getting ready to leave to see my friend, I took some trash from my room to the dumpster.  It had been in a bag, waiting for me to take it down, for over a week.  If it had been effortless to do it before, I would have done it before.  Today, it was.  And I did.

This is crazy.

I've been a little headache-y this afternoon/evening, but our AC downstairs isn't working and Shaun seems to have the flu, (which I am desperately trying not to catch), so besides the stress of those things and my meds wearing off from this morning, I think that is understandable.  Also, I keep taking my glasses off because it feels like my eyes are changing again, so that could have something to do with it, as well.

I wanted to do my nails today and devote tomorrow to my plants, but I don't know if it's going to happen.  It's already 8:30 and I don't know if I want to start nails this late when I should be keeping an eye on my schedule.  It would be really better for me to be waking up at 6 rather than 8 since I have to leave the house for my internship...

Which, btw, went quite well.  To me, it was a very good week.  I really liked all of the people I met, and I am excited about the project I'm working on.  There are possibly some open positions that will be available soon, so I am hoping that they decide to keep me.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now.  Tl;dr:  Ritalin is life-changing, AC busted, Shaun sick, internship good.

💙💙💙

Y'ALL.

Y'ALL.

I had my breakfast, as usual.

THEN, I took out the trash, took out the recycling, emptied the dishwasher and reloaded it, refilled the soap dispenser, and fed the tortoise (none of which were emergencies).

Poor Shaun usually handles the day stuff because my brain is always in panic mode trying to do the "novel" tasks (building apps, taking classes, etc.). If left to my own devices, those things would hit critical mass before I could tackle them.

But not today!

Shaun's not feeling well which is why these things weren't already done when I woke up. And even when he's not feeling well I usually struggle to support him.

But today, it was all but effortless.

I really feel like I'm on my way to being my best self.

I've always been the sleepiest motherfucker in the land...

I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.

I started taking a generic of Ritalin this morning.

I did feel a bit tight in the chest and kind of warm (when I usually run cold) earlier in the day, but that has pretty much faded.

For the last week-10 days or so, on advice of my therapist, I have been playing puzzle games in books rather than on my phone. For one, I used to do that with my MaMaw a lot, so it feels nice to be doing that again. For two, it's been a way to keep my mind engaged without doom-scrolling and getting distracted on the internet.

I have some observations:

1)  I am able to focus better and don't have to recount the numbers on Sudoku repeatedly to make sure I can tell what's missing.

2)  I have made a few mistakes on the Sudoku puzzles, but instead of going to the back of the book to get it straightened out, I have been able to figure it out myself. That has never happened before in my life, and I've been doing these since childhood. Once I'm confused, I either need help or to start over. So I feel that I am more able to follow the threads in my mind, if that makes sense?  Due to being able to hold things in my mind, I have already been solving the puzzles better and faster with fewer mistakes, and seeing other patterns and logic that I never saw before.

3)  Using breathing to help with the physical anxiety... if that's what's the chest tightness is called? I used to hate when people would advise me to breathe in and out. It would literally piss me off! It's like, "Now I have to think about something that my body does involuntarily?!" And it never relaxed any part of me that needed relaxing. But for the chest tightness today, it does feel nice and it does help.

4)  I needed to use the bathroom and went before it was an emergency BECAUSE I COULD FEEL IT BEFORE IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. On the way up the stairs, I took up some towels that needed to go up because I wasn't rushing because I wasn't having an emergency.  I also ended a text conversation with Shaun because I wanted to, and did it before I was irritated and rude to him.  I can feel things before they are critical.

5)  In general, I feel a bit more calm. Like, if I don't act on my thoughts in the moment, it's ok, because I'll be able to recall them. They feel less fleeting, I guess?

6)  I was able to watch an episode of TV with Shaun without scrolling or working on something else or falling asleep.

7)  I think I relaxed?  I reclined in the chair, shut my eyes, and I don't know if I fell asleep.  But I was able to just... rest?  Guilt free?  Without anxiety?

It's been an emotional rollercoaster.  I have felt relief.  I have felt anger.  I have felt sorrow.  I have ugly-cried so many times today.

I love logic and puzzles and math and computer science, but to learn those things, I've relied heavily on pattern-recognition and repetition.  But that doesn't cut it on more complex issues.  I hated math proofs.  I suck at coding.  And now I'm wondering what would happen if I tried those things again?  What could I learn?  What could I do?

Getting through college was so incredibly hard.  I suffered.  Like, a lot.  I cared so much, and I did my best, and I had mental breakdown after mental breakdown from 2015-2020.  It meant SO MUCH for me to graduate and get a job and try to pull us out of poverty.  It felt like life or death.  The stakes were high.  And now I look back and I'm like "That could have been a lot easier.  And I could have gotten more out of it."

I'm not going to dwell on things.  There is no one to even blame.  Had my teachers or parents noticed that I was struggling (which was unlikely due to how hard I masked), girls/women weren't usually treated for ADHD when I was growing up.  As a young adult, I never had insurance to get myself tested or medicated, nor did I even suspect that I was doing life on Hard Mode.

I don't really know what else to say.  I'm going to allow myself to grieve.  It's valid.  It hurts.  But I'm going to try to put my newfound focus into my career.  I'm just going to keep pushing forward like I always do... because really, what else is there to be done?

Fucking weeping.

Fucking weeping.

Straight up sobbing.

OMG.