It's been a few days since I've been on here much.

It's been a few days since I've been on here much.  The internship + commute are keeping me busy, so by the time I get home, I eat, do my Duolingo, and basically go to bed.  I might scroll reddit for a few minutes, but then my body shuts down and I SLEEP.  It's nice.  I am really enjoying waking up feeling rested.

This morning I got up around 9 and talked to Shaun after I had my breakfast.  I have not been able to engage in any meaningful conversation at home with him over the last year because I was constantly in fight or flight, so I'd have to change my environment (like go on a date) in order to focus on him.  But we talked for several hours and have a tentative game plan for how we'd like things to be moving forward.

I noticed another thing this week regarding being medicated for ADHD.  I've been able to set and keep boundaries.  Yes, I always knew logically that they were important, but knowing about something and being able to DO SOMETHING are two entirely different things.

I think that being able to do this now extends from a similar place of me being able to feel my body and my needs, which I struggled with before.  For example, my bodily functions (like peeing or eating); if it wasn't an emergency, it wasn't on my radar, but now it is.

At this moment, it doesn't feel wrong or stress me out to look out for myself or say that I need to rest or leave a task for tomorrow.  Things can need to be done without needing to be an emergency.  It's really ok.  This is such a better headspace to be in.

I am still having a lot of feelings, but that's ok.  I am just taking them as they come.

One of the feelings that I have right now is ambition and an eagerness to do things, but I am not taking on any other tasks or responsibilities right now.  I think it would be in my best interest to just do my best at the internship, and if I have leftover energy, to do things like update my app, swatch my polish, or check off any number of other things on my list.  I actually checked a couple of things off today, which feels really nice.

I am grateful that I feel better, but I definitely do not believe that 20+ years of exhaustion and stress melted off of my body and mind with the addition of one little pill over the last week.  I want to give myself space to rest and heal, as much as that could be possible, given my current workload of internship and teaching.

What's funny is that before medication, I would have jumped into a new thing with both feet, consequences be damned.  I really love this version of myself.  I love that I am able to pause, check in with myself, and make a decision from there.  I feel like in a lot of ways, I'm just now getting to know me because I couldn't find myself under the chaos before.  I am excited for this journey.