I don't know if it was from the stress of last night or what...

I don't know if it was from the stress of last night or what, but I woke up today feeling like complete and utter crap.  Like, bad.  My head hurt, I was nauseated, and my lungs felt (and still feel) like they are full of water.  I'm coughing (have been for a couple of weeks, but not bad) and it's just not great.  Boo.

So I thought the cough might be from pollen or whatever and I never really thought much about it until my lungs started feeling weird, but methotrexate can jack up your lungs.  That was listed as one of those "If this happens to you - stop the medication" kind of side effects.  I haven't spoken with my doctor today, but I think I'm skipping my meth pills tonight.  I have zero intentions of trying the shot again and they don't think the pills are effective, anyway, so I think I'm just done with that medication.

The rheumy's nurse offered to prescribe Otezla for me last week and I dismissed it because my insurance basically said that they would fight it.  But, I have changed my mind and I'm gonna go for it.  I called the Otezla people today and I did qualify for their assistance with paying for the prescription so I just need to call Dr. Crawford's office on Monday and tell them I'm ready.  I think they'll give me a sample pack or two to get started with and hopefully they are aware of the battle that lies ahead.  The Otezla company also said that they could help me get approved.  I hope they are right.

So... that is my current plan.  I wish I could settle on something and stick with it, but dang.  I feel like nothing is working out lately.  I hate it when things go like that.  😕

Enjoy this very attractive photo...

Enjoy this very attractive photo of my pasty, jiggly, bruised white thigh. This is the aftermath of my attempt to inject myself with methotrexate. Never again. That's a big, fat "Nope."

So... 45 minutes of Shaun listening to me...

So... 45 minutes of Shaun listening to me curse and whine, building me up, bribing me, drawing a circle on my leg so I would know where to aim, videoing all of my bullshit so I wouldn't be a weenie (which did not work)... and I failed.

I psyched myself up, pressed down, pushed the button, and... it made a noise, I jumped, and medicine went everywhere.  NOWHERE in that stupid video was there a noise.  It looked like it would go slowly and quietly into me, squirt out the medicine, and that's it.  That is not what happened.

It did break skin.  I have no idea how much, if any, of the medicine made it inside me.  Now my freaking leg hurts - and probably for no reason.  Screw this shit.  I am pissed and tired and have zero intentions of doing that again.

Shaun says he's proud because I did it.  He's still getting me nail polish.  He wants me to try again with another one, but at this moment I don't think that will happen.  Maybe I will hate everything less in the morning, but I doubt it.  🙁

Later, friends.  I'm gonna go and be angry until I fall asleep.  ❤

I am going to THROW UP.

I am going to THROW UP.

Shaun is bribing me to stab myself with Waffle House and Nail Polish.  And it's kind of working.  But I am still scared.  😳

I'm just gonna sit here...

I'm just gonna sit here, pantsless, in case I grow some balls suddenly.

I am frustrated and annoyed today. 🙁

I am frustrated and annoyed today.  🙁

I called Dr. Crawford's office since I hadn't heard back about medicine.  The lady I talked to (who I'm assuming was a nurse) asked me why I wouldn't take the Prednisone so I told her it made me sleepless and crazy.  She said, "How about half the dose?"  I told her I'd taken that for days until my pain returned and I was still unable to sleep.  So then she said "How about half a pill?"  I was just like, "If a whole pill didn't help, then why would I do that?"  So then she said "Ok" and we moved on.

She asked me about taking the methotrexate injection - which I haven't done.  I've been taking my pills because that's easier for me to manage.  I told her that I could not afford to buy the injections so she put me on hold and then came back and said that she could switch me to something else.  She told me to look up Otezla and let her know if I wanted to try that.

I called my insurance company and they said that their system for looking up what my copay would be is down, but that it was hard to get approved for that drug.  They want to know from the doctor WHY I need it and then they have to approve it before I can get it filled.

So my guess is that it would also be a $40 copay - like the methotrexate injection.  If it is then I also cannot afford it, either.  I called the nurse back and told her that and she said that there was a card or something that would knock $25 off, but that would still be $15 / week, which is $60 - $75 / month, unless I'm just misunderstanding something entirely.

So... I can't afford $60 - $75 a month for this shit.  I fail to understand why I can't just keep taking my methotrexate pills.  Yes, they may be a little less effective, but I'm a poor person and that's what I get, right?  I get what I can pay for.  I take what I can get.  That is the way the world works, right?  I'm used it and it's fin so I just don't understand.

I do not know what I am supposed to do, but I am frustrated - trying hard not to feel angry right now.  I am gonna go take a shower.  Somebody, tell me what the hell to do while I'm gone.  Please and THANK YOU.

Algebra class was this morning.

Algebra class was this morning.  Apparently a B was NOT bad.  Sounds like a lot of people did worse.  😕  I guess me and Hali are representing for Munford!  😃

The teacher said she thought this was one of the harder tests of the semester so that's a relief.  Maybe I will end with an A after all.  🙂