I hate days that start like this.

I hate days that start like this.  I woke up several hours ago but simply did not have the energy / motivation to take care of all of the animals (because I have to take care of them first before anything else) so I fell back asleep for some hours.  I had to pee really bad the first time I woke up, but I slept through the pain to avoid responsibility.  Now I'm up, but fighting to gather my will to move.

It's not so bad when everyone isn't sick, but when they are... I have to be honest:  It scares me.  I have to remember who needs medication, I have to get it in them (whether it's easy or hard), and sick animals usually mean more messes to clean up.  Of course they are all hungry in the morning so everyone is gathered around bouncing, making noise, and pawing me reminding me not to forget to feed them (because that is something that has ever happened.  😂)

Sometimes the messes (puke or diarrhea, usually) are in what seem to be well-thought out strategic locations to make my life harder.  Like right in the path of where a door opens so I can unknowingly smear said mess everywhere before cleaning it.  Of course while cleaning everyone likes to gather around me to see what interesting thing I'm messing with... while bouncing, making noise, and pawing me because it's obvious that I've forgotten to feed them somehow.

I don't have school today so I have a list of things I wanted to get done around the house.  But here I sit - having accomplished only taking myself to the bathroom to pee.  The kids are texting with requests and I'm here replying that they can handle things themselves because I am great.  I am already hours behind on everything - even some really important stuff - and I just CAN'T with all that.

This is why I've not been taking in more animals.  I do have one foster dog; I've had him since about October.  He's a great guy and we were planning to keep him, but I see more and more that it is not going to work.  He deserves better than the life we can offer him right now.  On my list of things to do today was to get some nice photos of him and begin my search for a rescue.  I am just tapped out.  I am scraping the bottom of the barrel on what I have left to give.

I try not to speak for Shaun, but I can tell that he is struggling, too.  We both need more time and space for self-care.  He's barely able to drag himself to work.  Honestly, I don't even know when he last went to trivia with his friends - which used to be a weekly thing.  This is not ok.  Along that vein we need time and space to be a couple.  We went to dinner at Ruby Tuesday the other night because we just had to.  It was really nice to sit across from him and just SEE his face.  We needed it.

Y'all, I have been a mom for more than half of my life now.  I have kept a hoard of forever animals for the last 13-ish years, and I have fostered animals and volunteered in rescue for about 11 years.  The kids are grown and my animals are dying off.  I'm happy about the kids, heartsick about my animals, and basically tapped out.  I need some major "me" time.  I want to focus on school and my future career.  I want more time for my HUSBANG.  I wish I knew how to make any of this happen, but I don't.

Anyway.  The animals are calling.  Guess I'm off to stop "neglecting" them.