*singing* Feeling kinda jolly, but I'm not Santa Claus.

Yeah, I just made that up. It's a new song. "Feeling kinda jolly, but I'm not Santa Claus." Wooo!

Anyway, I just wanted to post about the last couple of days. Nothing spectacular... OR MAYBE IT IS. 😀 Good times with good friends... what more can you ask for? Yesterday, me and Nick made chocolate banana-sicles. I've eaten most of them. And today me, Shadow, and Nick went to JSU with Jajuan to an art showing thing and then to Wal-Mart. It was cool.

And Nick hit me in the head with his metal mug. It made a sound (I heard something, at least) and we both laughed for a while. It was pretty funny. It was accidental, supposedly. I dunno how much I believe that. Anyway, I feel pretty jolly and just wanted everyone to know.

I know I've not been on much - and not posting anything positive when I am - so here's some happy vibes for you all!

Much love!

What?? I can breathe now?

Wow. It's been so long that I'm not even sure where to start. First of all - my car trouble. Every week for the last month I've been stranded somewhere at least once. About a month ago my Subaru that I love broke down - leaving me, Shadow, and Nick stranded in Anniston. It needs a motor and that should all be taken care of next week (hopefully).

In the meantime I borrowed my grandmothers car - which proceeded to leave me and Nick stranded at a grocery store when the starter went out. I replaced it seeing as how my MaMaw was nice enough to let me use her car in the first place. Then... I bought a car (well, technically it's not mine yet, but it will be soon). Anyway, this car broke down in Munford - leaving me, Shadow, and Nick stranded at my mom's house. The ignition coil went out.

So after we got THAT fixed it quit on me when I least expected it the other night due to needing a new fuel filter and such. Yes, once again - me, Shadow, and Nick were left out in the cold. It's running now. For how long, though - I cannot say.

In other news my sister in law (who from now on will be referred to as my "SIL") (who may end up reading this - but I'm just going to say what I feel here, openly and honestly - not maliciously intended at all) has run off. That's fine, I guess... whatever makes her happy. But the problem I have is that she took my niece (Lanah, who's 4 months old) and left; (supposedly on vacation, but I really think she just lied to me) to stay with some strangers. She said they're "friends," but I'm certain she met them on the internet and had never actually seen them before in her life.

Anyhoo, she did this a week before my brother Cade (her husband) graduated boot camp because she didn't want to see him. That's fine too, I guess. Couples have their problems. But the fact that he might have wanted to see his daughter and wasn't going to even have the option pissed me off. She said he didn't want to see her, but I know better. Anyway, SIL then contacted an aunt of mine in MS and left the baby with her. Honestly, I'm glad she did. At least we know that Lanah is cared for. I know how my SIL took care of her and will we talk about that in a moment. But yes, my aunt has her - so for now we don't have to worry about losing her or what some stranger may be doing to her. Also my aunt says that Lanah is "flourishing" so that's good. But up until recently my brother had no idea about this which also pissed me off.

Now about my SIL caring for her. To put it simply, she didn't. There were several times I wanted so much to call DHR on her for neglect - but I didn't - to keep trouble down. Whenever anyone else was around they were taking care of the baby. No one minded because she is a pleasant child, but damn. When I had Shadow I didn't want anyone else messing with him. He was MY baby and I was going to take care of him.

Anyway, check this shit out. Lanah was always left in her car seat, head rolled over to the right, not reclined enough for a newborn, poor baby always looking crooked (my SIL claimed she was trying to sit up), to the point of having a flat spot on one side of her head. Oh, and this is pretty unforgettable - one day I went over to see them and the baby was laying asleep with an empty bottle in the bed with her. When I picked her up she was soaking wet. Apparently, the whole bottle had leaked on her and she was allowed to sleep that way. So I said to my SIL, "Maybe you should wash her off." My SIL proceeded to take her to the bathroom, lay her FLAT in the bathtub with her diaper still ON, and squirt her off with a bottle. WTF?? And that's all she did. No soap. No cloth. No wonder that pretty baby always stank. My SIL said that Lanah didn't like wash cloths so she didn't use them.

My SIL said that Lanah wouldn't let her trim her nails and that's why her face was always scratched up. I could go on. But my point is... I'm glad Lanah is with my aunt. From the time that child was born my SIL didn't want to take care of her. Even before she left the hospital with her she was pushed off on the nurses and various family members that visited. I don't know what else to say other than that I'm just very relieved that Lanah is now with my aunt.

So I finally heard from my brother today and that made me feel a lot better. He knows everything and he's going to do what he can for his daughter and divorce my SIL. I truly hate that things have to end this way, but I can't blame him. He wanted to take care of that baby even though my SIL told him it might not be his... he married her anyway. And he joined the Army so that he could give them a good life. And then this shit?

I know my SIL wants custody of Lanah, but she doesn't deserve her. And she could never give her a good life. She goes from place to place - looking for people on the internet to take her in - and that's no way to raise a child. With her history of caring for the baby (and there are witnesses) I honestly don't think any judge in their right mind would give her custody. I certainly hope not.

Anyway, enough of that. As you can see - things have been crazy lately and I feel like I've been stretched a million directions and I've been worried about a jizillion things and so my blog has sort of become not such a priority. I really hope all of my friends here have been doing better than I have. I hope to hear from some of my peoples soon. I'm really sorry I haven't been in touch.

More stuff, though. Thanksgiving, aka: MY birthday, went fine. Nick's family did their Thanksgiving family gathering in the woods so that was interesting. It actually turned out fun. I got to eat toasted marshmallows which rocked my day. Also, something funny happened, but had it turned out differently might not have been so funny, but anyway... the kids had pellet guns and were running around playing with them and one of them ran backwards and fell into the fire, rolled out, accidently pulled the trigger on his gun and shot a bullet that ricocheted off the ground and hit his uncle in the throat. That was SO awesome. No one was hurt or anything, but it looked like some crap you'd see in a movie or something. Like it couldn't have happened any smoother if it had been rehearsed. It was cool.

Yeah, so I'm 23 now. Not such a big deal, really. My dad got me a chocolate cake (and you can never go wrong giving me chocolate) so that was good. I also got some jewelry from different people that honestly I probably will never wear, but that's cool. People gave me earrings. Look at my ears, people. That's not gonna stay... ahh, but it's the thought that counts. One of my good friends and his wife got me some smelly stuff and I liked that. It was nice and very unexpected.

The best stuff I got was from Nick... he gave me some CDs and DVDs that he knew I'd be really into and his chair that he loves that I wanted. That was very sweet of him. So, tonight's adventure was that Nick's scorpion escaped in my house. We found him though - making a break for the door. 😂 It was funny. And guess what I have. Guess. Ok, fine. I have fuzzy big monster slippers and I giggle when I look at them. And now I have to go. Going on a small road trip early in the morning... MUST SLEEP. 😊

:( This is just me whining / ranting / complaining.I gave you fair warning.

I should really be trying to sleep right now. But I'm not. I just wanted to write a few things... maybe clear my head...

So I'll start with my weekend. I saw a lot of people - some of which I haven't in a while. It was cool, I guess. But there were a lot more people around than I'm used to... people are just not my thing. But all in all I would say it went well. Except for my car. It was acting a little crazy. But more on that later.

Oh, and how could I forget... my sister-in-law called me up and said I had just a few hours to see my niece, Lana, (who's four months old and I helped deliver) before she leaves for Mississippi with her. WTF?? My brother gets out of boot camp next week and you're going to take his kid and leave? I haven't got to talk to him since he is in boot camp, but I really don't think he's gonna be happy about that. Anyway...

Sunday rolled around. My kiddo woke up sick... throwing up and pooping a lot. That was no good. I ended up going to Munford because my step-dad's a mechanic and he replaced my fuel filter or something and helped (my car - not Shadow), but not a lot. On to Monday...

I got to work, the boss asked me to go do production work (which in no way am I above doing) so I did. It's not fun except that I got to work near a friend so we could talk the whole day. Well, throughout the day I started feeling worse and worse. Finally at 2:00 I went home. It was maybe 10 minutes after that that I started puking and running to the toilet every few minutes. That was not fun. AT ALL. I didn't even make it in to work today which sucks for my paycheck, but I really still feel like crap. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

Now, about my car. It was doing this thing where it wouldn't go. Yeah - just wouldn't go. It would crank and then it would creep along at less than a mile per hour. Sometimes it would pick up speed, but not nearly fast enough. I'm talking - I'd be at a green light and start to go and be in the middle of the intersection when it turned red again. That SUCKED.  People were honking at me and passing me (which I couldn't blame them for), but damn.

Anyway, it finally quit on me tonight. I was stranded in Anniston for like two and a half hours. A kind stranger took us all to Nick's place (because I was taking him home and we made it pretty close to there) and my car wouldn't go up the hill. It would barely even go on flat ground. But anyway, my step-dad came up to Anniston in his big truck and took me and Shadow home and hauled my car to Munford so that he could check it out. I hope it gets fixed soon.

And - just to make me not want to sleep tonight (because I have a hard time doing so when my house is jacked up) my house is a disaster. A BIG one. There's a good reason for it and it's totally ok, but it's driving me crazy. And I'm too tired to even mess with it.

So... if you read all of this:  Thanks for listening to me be pitiful.

THE END

It's hard to dance like nobody's watching when they are.

This weekend was pretty good. I went to two parties Friday night and that was a nice change of pace. I'm not really a party kind of girl, but both of them turned out to be pretty mellow so I had fun. It was nice to just hang out and see some people that I don't often get to see. I think the highlight of my night had to be when I danced with Freddy Krueger. Well, I think it went more like I finally danced once and he stopped. I'm not sure about that, though. I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy being nervous. I haven't danced in front of people since sixth grade. I haven't danced in front of an audience since I was way younger than that.

Yeah, for anyone who didn't know - and come to think of it that's probably a lot of people - I used to take ballet and do recitals when I was little. Oh, how I hated it. I cried on stage every time. My mom still makes fun of me to this day. Anyway, I was nervous and couldn't dance like nobody was watching - because indeed, they were. I suppose it could've been worse. I dunno about my "moves" but I do have rhythm, so... maybe I didn't look too much like an idiot. Hopefully it wasn't, like, Elaine from Seinfeld or anything. *shudder at the thought of that* I sure hope not.

Then, Saturday, I went out with Nick, Colin, Colin's wife Nancy, (who I wouldn't mind getting to hang out with more often), and his mom, dad, uncle, and nephew. We went to the Mellow Mushroom and that was some good pizza. It was nice to hang out with them... they're good people. It was a nice crowd. Ahhh, good times. Well, I guess that's about all that's happened to me this weekend that's worth mentioning.

My Shadow ROCKS!!!

I just wanted to stop in and say that my boy ROCKS!!! He came running out of the school yesterday when I came to pick him up, yelling, "I topped out, I topped out, mom!" I was all, "What does that mean?" and the teacher came out and told me that he has now completed all of his kindergarten reading work on the computer and he can start working on the first grade stuff. I was so proud! It's not even halfway through the school year. He's the best EVER! Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and brag a little. 😁

THE END

PMS *cries*

Why, yes - I am going to write about that. I want to talk about how I feel right now. I'm going to try to describe how I feel here because writing is about the only way I can articulate a thought into something anyone else can understand. When it comes to be my lovely time of the month to bleed, (which I do quite enjoy for the most part) I get very emotional. I don't really know how else to describe it other than maybe I just feel more sensitive or fragile. For the most part I feel like crying at everything. No matter what. And a lot of times it makes me feel better; other than I feel like a goober (after the fact) for crying over something like someone's bad breath or being ignored by a cat. Apparently I get bitchy, also, (as I proved yesterday), and that sucks. I hate the fact that I hurt people I care about by losing my temper over things that are not worth making a big deal over. I'm just... emotionally on edge. Some compassion towards me would be cool.

Physically, well... I can sum that up with one word: uncomfortable. My body just doesn't feel like it normally does. I want nothing more than to be somewhere warm with soft things all around. A warm body holding me would be even better, but I'm afraid my stand-offish or aloof thing that I get going on scares anyone away from wanting to be so near me. *sigh* But I'm sure it would make me feel better; it's like I crave it or something. Maybe I need a heating pad - at least that wouldn't be an asshole to me.  Anyway, here are a few things it wouldn't hurt for people to keep in mind:

• I do not want to be picked at.
• I do not want to be in public.
• I do not want to be alone (although I don't want many people around).

• I do want to be cuddled.
• I do want to be warm.
• I do want to be as comfortable as possible.

• I will cry.
• I will take things personally.
• I will get frustrated easily.

So, um... about the aloof or stand-offish thing that I get... I don't know how to explain that. I'm not necessarily unhappy, mad, sad, or whatever... I'm just something else that I don't know how to describe and that's just the reaction I've always had. I wish I knew what it was... I suppose I should do some research about that to see what I can come up with. Maybe I'll just use the word "down" to describe it for now... I'm not energetic or playful or tolerant... Ok, if anyone reads this and knows what I'm talking about please help me out. Tell me what it is. I would really like to talk to some people about this and see what we come up with... or maybe it's just me and I'm abnormal. Who knows.

... and the bafflement ensues.

Ok, well... I'm at work right now. I asked my boss this morning why he didn't tell me that we weren't working next week when I spoke to him on the phone last night and he said it's because some of us are. I happen to be one of the lucky few. The coworker who sent me the email was not (obviously).  I feel pretty good knowing that he needs me enough to keep me around (for now)... but I'm still worried about the future. I can't help but wonder if this company is going to go under. He keeps saying that things are going to get better soon, but I've been here for over a year and I just don't see that happening if he can't get our shit together. And besides - would he be honest with me? I don't trust him to do that. He's lied to me before.

I hate to feel so negatively about the situation, but it's really stressing me out. All in all this is not a bad job. It is my first "real" job out of school doing what I went to school for. Sure - I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this, but I really don't feel like I'm ready to leave here just yet. And honestly I don't want to see this place go under. It has potential... we just need to get some things in order.

I guess my problem is that regardless of all that has happened I feel loyal to this place and I don't really think I can find anything better right now. It sort of "fits" - you know? I shall keep my eyes open, but I think until I can see more clearly what's going on I'm going to invest some time in myself. You can't go wrong with that. I'm not feeling that this is a good time to start making decisions just yet. Something (and by that I mean the little birdie in my guts) is telling me that if I start struggling now it's going to be in vain and that will just equal wasted energy.

I really would like to go back to school so maybe this would be a good time to start looking into that again. I hope so... I'm not quite ready for a change of this proportion so maybe I should be preparing myself for when the time comes. If not... well, I suppose I will lose my job and be forced to make a change, won't I? (Ooh, did you see my optimism?)