De-funkified

In case you (SOMEHOW) didn't notice I've been in a funk for... oh... the past two months AT LEAST. I'm not sure what set it off, but it's been there hovering over me like a rainy cloud - pissing it's negativity down upon me. But today I feel pretty good. Despite the fact that I didn't sleep enough, despite the fact that I woke up late and had to be hungry all morning, despite the fact that I had to go to work, despite the fact that ants are now invading our home again, despite the fact that I'm getting some weird rash on my hand... despite all that shit - I woke up in a pretty good mood. It's been kind of refreshing.

(Around) this time last year I was freaking ECSTATIC. Know why?? Because I'd just bought our house. That's why. At 23 years old I'd officially done the best thing I could imagine ever doing for myself and my kiddo.

After I had my son at 17 years old my life was pretty much a struggle for independence. I didn't want to live with my parents or grandparents forever just because I'd had a child at a young age. I didn't want to wait around for some knight in shining armor to save me from the life I'd created. So I finished high school, went to college, got a job, and we moved out on our own (just me and my Shadow). (FYI: We didn't move directly into a house, it went like this: crappy trailer, nice apartment, our house). Anyway, last year (and pretty much all of the years before that) I'd accomplished something positive - something that got me a little farther in life. I always had something to strive for. This past year, though, I've been sort of stagnate.

I mean, ok. I've had two articles published online. That was cool, but not nearly as satisfying after reading some of the other stuff that was also published on that site. But they did pay me and not all submissions are paid for (so I just tell myself that the crappier stuff was given to them for free). Beginning to help with the shelter has been awesome and a big source of personal fulfillment. Also, I've sort of thought of a business venture and stuff and that's neat. (It's pretty recent so I'm not disappointed with how it's turning out - though I do need to put a bit more effort into it if I expect it to go anywhere).

Anyway, I don't know. I just don't feel that I've accomplished much in the last year unless you count racking up a shitload of debt. But the problem is that the next step is so unclear to me (not about my debt - I know - pay that shit off... MUCH easier said that done, though). When I was in high school the obvious goal was to graduate. Next obvious goal: Go to college so that I don't work a dead-end job forever. Then, durr, get a job. Get a place. Get a better place. Done. Now what?? I'm stumped.

Part of the problem or maybe the whole problem (I don't know) is that I'm completely unsure about what to do with myself. I want (for anyone who really knows me, it's obvious) to save the world, but there's no superhero school around here. I'd love to work with animals, but I can't think of doing what. Vet and even vet tech work may not be what I need to do because I honestly think I'd never stop crying. I love helping with the shelter, but I couldn't do that full-time. They pay about half of what I make now and I really don't know if I could handle that emotionally, either. Pet stores and animal breeding are also out of the question for me because the more I help with the shelter the more I think selling animals is not a great idea. At least not on the massive scale in which society does it now.

The business venture I was thinking of is in-home pet sitting which I think I'd enjoy. (I made a page for it). But I'm also scared as hell to keep trying to get it going. I don't know why - maybe I'm afraid I'll get it right. Maybe I'm scared to turn into a business owner. Maybe I think it's a huge towering responsibility and one I'm not sure I can handle. Look at me, doubting myself. Goodness. But what if I don't have all my bases covered? What if there's really NOT a market for that thing in this area? How much do you charge and for what service? (Take into consideration gas prices... damn). It's a lot to think about and I'm not sure if this should be my next goal. I'd sure love the freedom, though. Or should I just find a way back into school?? The thought of animal psychology / behavioral studies really intrigues me (though I doubt there's a school anywhere near me that would offer that). I just don't know what to do.

So what do you think?? I know, I know - do whatever makes me happy. Aside from that give me a straight answer. Give some advice to Blu. I think I'm ready for a new challenge.

Ignorance surrounds me.

So I'm angry. What's so funny is that I don't exactly have a reason to be angry. Well, I guess I have a few. But it seems like I'd be over them by now. I guess I'm just in the mood to be pissy. So I am.

Yesterday, Mother's Day, blah blah blah. I'm not big into holidays. But my mom wanted her and Shadow to do something nice for me so I let him stay the night over there on Saturday. When I got there Sunday to pick him up he was in an awful mood. She'd told him she'd cut his hair and he was ALL excited over that. So he told her what he wanted. Then she told him that what he wanted would be ugly and she wouldn't do it.

First of all - if my kid wants ugly hair, ugly hair he gets. There is absolutely no reason to censor him when it comes to something as trivial as hair. It's JUST hair. We could cut it again or it would grow back. It's no big deal. I know the cut he wanted would have probably required clippers and she did not have any, but I suspect that she wouldn't have done it anyway just because of her attitude. All she had to say was "I don't have any clippers." It wasn't necessary to tell him "That will look ugly."

Oh, and it got better. My brother called to wish her a happy Mother's Day. After she talked to him for a few minutes she asked Shadow if he wanted to talk to his uncle. He did not - probably because he was in a bad mood and ready to go home. So my mom says to my brother right in front of Shadow, "Well, I guess you just don't matter to him anymore. He don't want to talk to you." Shadow cried. What a stupid bitch. Shadow's SO stoked that his uncle gets to come home and visit soon. He loves him to death. She makes me so angry. What she doesn't realize is that she's acting just like her senile mother (who she openly admits to hating).

And yes, yes I did just call my mother a stupid bitch. I should start blogging about her. You'd understand, and it would probably be therapy for me. I love her because she's my mother. But I don't like her as a person. Some people you're just better off without - no matter what ties them to you.

Anyway, at work I have to see a lady that I've grown a strong disdain for over the few years I've been there. I can't even look at her without getting angry. When I first started working at my place of employment she was always asking me to go to church with her. Strike one. I'm not Christian, I don't go to church, leave me alone, the end. Well, when she finally stopped doing that she began being very nosey into my personal life; always asking me questions that were none of her business and stuff. Strike two, lady. If I want you to know something - I'll tell you. Well, the last thing she did to me is one I won't let go of. I've had it with her. She apologized and tries to be nice to me, but I'm just very short with her and avoid her, usually. I can't even pretend to like her anymore.

One day as I was handing out the payroll checks she pulled me to the side and asks if a certain employee has to pay taxes. He's from Africa, not here (great guy, btw). Talk about putting me on the spot. Not only was I offended that she felt it was her business, but that she put me on the spot AND it was all because he was not from here. When she saw the appalled look on my face she didn't just drop it. Yes - she tried to press me for an answer, trying to justify it with "Well, you know I was raised up racist. It just stuck." WTF is that?? Does there not come a point in your life when you decide to make up your own mind?? I was raised up where races didn't mix, but guess what?? My child is half black (I'm white, for those who didn't notice). Apparently, I got over it. She could, too - if she wanted to. That seriously pissed me off. Strike three, old lady. I'm done being nice to you.

Geez, there's so much more that I'm unhappy with. I'd always wanted to homeschool Shadow, but since I've always had to work that hasn't been an option. I hate that he spends so much time around little consumerist brats at school... maybe it's good for him, I dunno. The first few years I definitely thought so because he made friends and stuff and he's an only child. But now I'm starting to wish I could just keep him home. Not only do other children show him bad behaviors and tease him (you know - regular kid stuff that he'll likely overcome), but also they're pushing Christianity on him. One little kid told him he was going to hell. WTF is that?? Teach your kids early on to be intolerant of those that believe differently than you. That's great. And I was actually dumb enough to believe that I had a choice about how I brought my kid up. (It's not just the kids, though... we've had religious info come home in letters to parents and other things. Separation of church and state, my ass).

Don't get me wrong. I want him to be educated about religions and everything. He even has a little kids Bible that my grandmother gave him when he was younger. He's read that thing cover to cover on several occasions. But he also asks about other religions and we tell him everything we know. I wish people would just BACK UP OFF HIM and let him grow. I think that's a parents biggest mistake... smothering their children with haircuts and religion. (That was a joke, for the sarcastic-humor impaired). But seriously, I feel like society doesn't let me do my thing. Whatever that is. I'm still not sure.

Really, honestly, I wish I could pack up my little family and run away with them. The more I look around the less I want to be here - the less I want to raise my child here. I want to go home. Problem is, I still don't know where that is.

November 24

1. Go to Wikipedia and put in your birthday (without the year) in the search bar.
2. List on your blog 3 events, 2 births, 1 death and 1 holiday that happens(ed) on your birthday.

Three Events:

1. 1859 - Charles Darwin publishes The Origin of Species.
2. 1932 - In Washington, D.C., the FBI Scientific Crime Detection Laboratory (better known as the FBI Crime Lab) officially opens.
3. 1951 - The Broadway play Gigi opens with a then unknown actress by the name of Audrey Hepburn in the title role.
4. 1963 - John F. Kennedy assassination: Alleged assassin Lee Harvey Oswald is mortally shot by Jack Ruby in Dallas, Texas on live national television.
5. 1966 - New York City experiences the smoggiest day in that city's history.

(So I added a few... I thought they were neat.)

Two Births:

1. 1946 - Ted Bundy, American serial killer (d. 1989)
2. 1955 - Elvis Ramone, American drummer (The Ramones)

One Death:

1. 1991 - Freddie Mercury, Zanzibar-born singer (Queen) (b. 1946)

One Holiday:

1. Teacher's Day in Turkey (and sometimes Thanksgiving)

For the first time EVER...

I threw up at work. Twice.

I felt like crap for most of the day. But now I'm feeling a bit better... Nick has been an awesome taker-carer of me. He brought me food and pretty much waited on my sickly, needy, whiney ass. I love him for it.

Also, my ear still hurts. But not like it has been... I only took some Tylenol before work this morning and haven't taken any since. So that's improvement. I still feel really puny, but hopefully I'm finally getting over this shit. That would be nice.

THE END

When I decide to have a bad day...

Damnit, I do.

So I called the doctor AGAIN today. A nice nurse finally agreed that I needed to come back in and said that the doctor would see me FOR FREE. Yay! So I went and followed her instructions and I saw a doctor. He told me that the inside of my ear looked "angry." That was the exact word he used. I told you it hated me. 😂  Anyway, he prescribed me some ear drops (which the first doctor said I did NOT need) and a different set of antibiotics in case the first ones don't work.

So I was all happy (well, hurting like hell because he'd just probed my ear and I hadn't taken any Ibuprofen in the last few hours), but optimistic. Then I got to the exit place and the lady up front told me there's a charge. I told her I was told that I wasn't supposed to be charged and she got all uppity with me. When I asked her if I could speak to the nurse that I spoke to over the phone she went and got someone else and they were all "Nothing is for free." I was appalled. They were SO fucking rude.

Then the nurse who I spoke to walked up and it turned out that those stupid women up front had sent me to the wrong doctor. She said, "I came up here and told all of them." I thanked her and the doctor who was planning to see me. But look - I'm already tired because I haven't slept a whole night through in over a week, I'm broke as fuck, and MY EAR WAS KILLING ME. I gave those bitches up front my credit card, but didn't sign the slip. I'm going to dispute that charge. But anyway, I got my prescription, got in the car, and cried all the way back to work. When I got there, I told Nick my sad story and then went to my desk. I still hadn't quite gained my composure and when my boss asked me what was the matter I cried again when I told him.

About 5 minutes after that my mom called. My grandmother (who has Alzheimer's) has run away and won't take her meds. Mom was following her in the car, but she won't get in. Mom wanted me to come talk to her. Also, I heard that my little MaMaw had sort of roughed up of one of my friends from high school who my mom got to watch her. She's going to be a handful. I called mom right after I got home and luckily the cops had already picked her up so I didn't have to go. I'm so glad... I was completely not up for going all the way out there and fighting MaMaw. She's ferocious. Where do you think me and my mom got it from?? Anyway, looks like she's going to have to be put in a home... No one can keep up with her. It'll probably be best for her. I hope, anyway. 😕

About the only good thing that has happened to me today was that I got my Christmas present from Nick... and it was SO worth the wait. It's a Yoda purse / backpack... it looks like he's riding on your back. I LOVE IT. The straps are too big for me (as with most everything) but that will be easy to fix.

Anyway, we're about to go eat. I'm NOT cooking today - not that I have a right to call that thing I do cooking, but you know what I'm saying. So yeah, HOPEFULLY that's all that goes wrong today. If not... well, I suppose you'll read about it later, eh?

FUCK YOU, ear.

Oh my goodness. Last night there was a warning issued on Blu's Ear and surrounding counties... it seems that that a madman was threatening to take a knife and gouge out the following areas if they did not stop hurting: the Ear, Temple, Throat, Jaw, Back Teeth, and Right Side of Head. Stay tuned for more updates as they become available.

For those who don't know (lucky you if you've missed my whiney bulletins) I have an ear infection or something. It started last Sunday... not the one we just had, but the one before that. Over the week it seemed to get better sometimes, then worse. Finally, over this weekend it had gotten so bad that I went to the doctor first thing Monday morning. I was given antibiotics, but I honestly think it's getting worse. It's a stabbing pain and LOTS of pressure. I've been eating Ibuprofen like candy - 4 pills every two hours to keep the pain at bay. I'm no baby. But this shit HURTS.

I've been woken up around 2 am every morning this week by PAIN. That just makes me angry. I'm pissed because I'm awake and I'm pissed because it hurts. WTF?? Last night it was hurting so bad that I was just laughing. I didn't know what else to do.

This morning when it woke me at 2 am I must've been losing my mind. I became defiant. I was like, "Fuck you, ear. I haven't snuggled Nick in over a week because of you." So I turned over and snuggled him even though it hurt. It hurt regardless, so why not?? Then I ate fucking ice cream at 4 am. I was so angry that I ate ice cream. Warm is supposed to soothe my ear, but that shit doesn't work - not on THIS ear. So I had ice cream. I showed that bitch who was boss. It wasn't going to rule me anymore. I'm tired of being nice to that ear and all I get is pain. Screw that. Then, around 5 I finally took more Ibuprofen. That ear hurt me. BAD. So that's what it got.

THE END

Freedom isn't free...

Freedom is a fucking illusion.

Ok, so maybe that's a little dramatic. But that's how I'm feeling right now. Let me explain.

I've been thinking a lot about other cultures and how they DON'T all bust their asses 40+ hours per week, earning very little vacation time each year. This article tells what other countries get for vacation in comparison to the United States. As of 2004 Americans work 50% more than do Germans, French, and Italians. This article (published in 2001) pretty much sums it up: "Capitalism could be another reason: Americans don't enjoy vacations as a right but as a privilege granted by their employers."

Look - I'm not lazy and I'm not trying to get out of working, but I'm starting to feel like, "What the fuck is it all for?" If you think about it you're really NOT free to do whatever you want unless you come into some money. And in order to do that you usually have to work your ass off unless you just got hit with some luck. Which means that we're just slaves to the system - with freedom being the carrot in front of our little jackass noses. Yeah, we can do whatever we want - as long as we work hard enough to get it. Who decides how hard, then?? As a friend this morning put it, "In America we live to work whereas in Europe (and probably some other countries) they work to live."  That's what I want. Less-strained lives and whatnot.

And let me go ahead and state that I think we're so capitalist because we're all on the brink of losing our fucking minds... if we have to work so hard we may as well have something nice and shiny and new to show for it. Forget all that time spent doing some mind-numbing or back-breaking work... true - that's only precious time we won't get back, but at least I can buy something to have to show for it. That's a problem. We (as a culture) need therapy, I do believe.

And before any of you comment and tell me that if I don't like things then to leave - well - all I can say is that I'm thinking about it. But before I can I have to get up some money so I'm stuck here for now, regardless. And I don't need your shit. I'm not anti-American; I just don't like every little thing about the way things are. And how do you change things?? You speak up, damn it. That's how.