I've been feeling so shitty...

I've been feeling so shitty that for the last two nights that I've dreamed about shit.  Literal shit.  The night before last I dreamed that I crapped in my floor and blamed it on the dogs.  Last night I dreamed that I left Shadow at the mall and went home because I was feeling sick and was going to pick him up when he called.  He never called and I woke up the next morning to a phone call from a boy's finishing school.  The mall cops sent him there because he crapped in his pants.  How bizarre.  And a little funny.  But mostly jacked up, totally.  I've never had a dream like that before.

I just talked to the school administration...

So I just talked to the school administration and their solution for that kid getting off the bus at my house without my permission:  Have my child lock him out.  Because they are so concerned with the well-being of ALL our children.  I am so appalled.

Thanks, y'all, but there is not a lot anyone can do right now.

Thanks, y'all, but there is not a lot anyone can do right now. I just get SO angry when people don't want to hear me out.

Tuesday, Shadow came home panicking because the vice principal was going to get on the bus and find the smelly kid. Some boy that sits next to him said it was him. Now, my child CAN produce a funk - I am not going to argue that. But he showers in the morning, brushes his teeth, and puts on deodorant every day before school. He also wears clean clothes every day. If his deodorant kicks the bucket before the end of the day that's no good. He is just at the age where things are changing and I think it's normal for kids to be pretty smelly. Even the girls.

So I sent the assistant principal a message and asked her what was going on because Shadow came home really upset. She never called me back. The next day she did get on the bus. She did not sniff the kids, but she did pass out hygiene sheets to all the kids at school. I do not disagree with that because we got them at Munford, too. No biggie. But Shadow came home crying because he was convinced it was his fault. I sniffed him yesterday when I got home and he smelled slightly sweaty - if I got really close. I don't think that that smell would warrant hygiene sheets. I just wish I could convince him that it wasn't his fault. He's really self-conscious right now. And I know me and Shaun probably don't help because if he ever smells we tell him. But it's so he can do something about it - not to be mean.

Between the little asshole stressing my child on the bus and the assistant principal ignoring me I'm pissed. Not to mention that the principal is blowing me off STILL about sending a kid to my house without my permission. I hate being ignored. If you think I'm shit and not worth your time - just say so. You don't have to make me feel like I'm nothing.

ASIDE FROM ALL THAT, I promised Shadow that I'd take him to DC since he didn't get to go on his hugely over-priced Beta Club trip again. I was really killing myself trying to save the money. Like, crazy saving. There was an event that we were all hoping to go to in the next week or so. Me and Shadow are not going because Shaun recognized my stress and told me that I should just chill, save for longer, and take him later. We are going to miss the event that's important to us, but I can still take him to see the city later. But Shaun's still going so I'm annoyed. I would have rather just borrowed the other $200 from myself and gone with him as planned. But he's bought plane tickets so there's nothing I can do to change any of that, either. Everything is out of my hands, and I feel angry, and left out, and powerless. I feel like I fail my kid on so many levels. And that is why I feel shitty.

When I finally learn to accept...

When I finally learn to accept that what I think doesn't matter - especially to those who are in charge of my child during the day at school - then I'll be ok.  When I finally stop struggling to do things that single broke-ass moms shouldn't do... like you know - keep promises to my kid to take him places - then I'll find happiness.  I'm just trying to be too good for my own good.  I need to just sit back, realize that I'm shit, and just be it.  Then all will be right with the world.  Fuck everything right now.  I even hate my nails.

Today...

Today started off a little late, but other than that it was ok.  It ended with me being really angry for the second time this week.  Fuck everything - I'm going to go paint my nails.  ANGRILY.

This is the first time I've used one of my water decals.

This is the first time I've used one of my water decals. They are not the same as nail tattoos. Actually, for me they were MUCH easier because you can move it around after you put it on, unlike with a tattoo. With a tattoo if you're off, you're just off - no adjusting those. Btw, I think my nails look black in the photo, but they are just a REALLY dark green. REALLY REALLY dark. But the feather is also a very dark green, so I thought it kind of worked together. Just one bright nail this time. 🙂

My thoughts for the night...

Today at our monthly Free-Thought meet-up the presentation was on women's rights and birth control.  That bill that some people want to have passed that would force women seeking abortions to have that awful vaginal wand thing done sounds really terrible.  The lady who did the presentation also volunteers as an escort at Planned Parenthood and she had some really sad things to say.  Like that the protesters can physically assault them, and that the cops just call it harassment, and nothing gets done to stop it - even with video evidence.  Like that she's escorted young (think 12 year old) rape victims to get abortions and had people do nasty things to try to keep them from going in.

To anyone who is supporting that bill:  Put yourself in someone else's shoes.  Think of the horror of being raped, the reality that you really have no way to care for a child you didn't want, a big scary person or group of people harassing (and quite possibly assaulting) you, and then the state wants to start imposing rape with a plastic wand and shaming right on top of all of that.  I know that that is not the circumstance for everyone, but it does happen.  I am infuriated and sad to know that ANYONE - any single person or any government body thinks they have any business making such personal and hard choices harder for anyone.  We really need to stop this.