I'm home. I went to work a little late and I left early. I just didn't have it in me today. I slept last night, but I'm sleepy. I feel like I've been fighting back tears all day. That shit will wear you down.
Y'all - I don't know what's up with me. Over the last year (maybe more), I feel like I've had a harder and harder time being happy. I mean - my life is pretty good so that's dumb. But that in itself is part of the problem. I feel guilty for being comfortable while others suffer.
I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that life isn't fair, and that I can't always change the things that need changing, and that I can't help everyone, and that even though I help the ones I help it doesn't matter because we're all gonna die anyway - so what's the damn point? Shaun says that happiness is the point, but I don't know. Helping animals makes me happy, but at the same time the deeper I get into rescue or rehab the more I see how genuinely fucked up shit really is. It is all very distressing.
Not only that, but when you really think about it - the fact that you exist means that some other creature or person has less. The trees that built your house used to be someone else's home, the food that you are eating used to be a life or food for someone else. No one can exist without taking from someone else. The very idea of that makes me want to cease to exist.
I know that life is what you make it and all that jazz. I know that I am not looking at the bright side. I'm just finding that to be increasingly harder to do and it sucks. I've never felt such despair in my life as I have over the last year or two. It's not constant, but when it hits - it's rough. I don't know if my view of life is shifting, or if I'm sinking into depression, or what. Most days I am just fine. But when this hits I am really really not.
I have no idea what to do with myself. I think I need a nap.
