I am home from work.

I am home from work.  I feel like I've been physically beaten.  You know the ache you get when you have the flu?  That ache is with me.  I can't shake it.

I have felt bad for the last couple of weeks, but I thought it was my PsA flaring, PMS, methotrexate getting to me, or whatever.  Blood work turned up a kidney infection that I didn't know I had.  When you're hurting and you assume that you're supposed to for whatever reason I guess it's not a red flag anymore.

I've already finished my round of antibiotics.  My back eased up for a day or so, but it's hurting again and my neck glands are swollen and I'm just tired... and then there is that lovely ache, too.  I have class this evening and I'm not going to miss it, but dang - I would really rather be going to sleep.

I'm not TECHNICALLY behind on anything, but I didn't do as much schoolwork as I'd planned to over the weekend and this junk is stressing me out.  I've been dragging and unproductive for days.  I really need to get myself together, somehow.  I don't know what to do.

I'm at Captain D's eating lunch alone.

I'm at Captain D's eating lunch alone. There are 5 other alone-eaters here, but I'm not in the mood to make friends today.

Totally voted.

Totally voted.  Only wished I'd relished it more.  I was wayyy too excited to do that, though.  😃

Classes today went well. Tutoring went well, also.

Classes today went well.  Tutoring went well, also.

Now, it's migraine time.  😕

I guess a whole day that didn't suck was too much to ask of a Monday.

I'm off.  I have to go and deal with myself.  I hope that Monday went easy on y'all.  ❤

I did my nails. Nothing fancy, but I'll probably post a picture tomorrow.

I did my nails.  Nothing fancy, but I'll probably post a picture tomorrow.  This is a case where I just put on a stunning polish and let her do the work.  As much time as I wasted cleaning up my dusty, neglected nail table in preparation to actually DO something I COULD have done something fancy, but oh well.  Maybe that just means that I shouldn't go a month + without doing my nails.  LOL

I also did some psychology.  We're taking our 3rd test this week and then all that is left is turning in the project, and the final.  😳  I feel like the end of this semester has snuck up on me.  Not that I'm complaining.  I'm enjoying it, but I'm also anxious to keep making progress.

Anyway.  I'm off to talk to a friend (it's been WAYYY too long!) and then hopefully I still feel up for some Calculus.

In case I don't come back:  Goodnight, friends.  I gotta rest up for the Monday.  😕

My "To Do" list for the day:

My "To Do" list for the day:

Calculus 

Psychology project

Nails? 

I REALLY REALLY want to paint my nails. I might do that first. I don't HAVE to get crazy with it. But they are finally growing back and they are going to start breaking off if I don't give them some reinforcement. It would probably make me happy all week if I did them. I probably should. I've been struggling lately.

Guess that's settled.

I feel weird.

I feel weird.

Since yesterday, I have done a few things:

1)  Applied for graduation from Gadsden State

2)  Set up my JSU Blackboard

3)  Accessed "myJSU" and my student email

It all feels so premature since graduation is still 7 months away and actually attending JSU is even farther out, but as busy as I'm staying I'm sure the time will pass before I know it.

Honestly, my mind is blown.  I never actually pictured myself going to REAL college, so graduating from GSCC is like "Whoa.  😳"  Going to JSU still feels unreal.  Unfortunately, I kind of thought that graduating from Gadsden Business College was going to be the height of my achievement, but I guess not!

I gotta tell y'all, mental blocks and some weird kind of identity crisis have been the biggest challenges I've faced since starting school.  I don't believe in fate, but truly I still haven't totally shaken the ideas that "This isn't meant for me." and "My life will never be easier."  I don't know why or how to fix that.

It probably doesn't help that I'm in the thick of it right now and have a few more years of hard work ahead of me, but I keep pushing through because I'm constantly being confronted by the things I desperately want to change about my life.  And to be perfectly frank, curiosity is driving me as well.  I just want to see what happens when I'm done.

It's hard to even explain, but I guess growing up kind of poor and then having Shadow at 17 I felt that my fate to live in poverty was sealed.  And for most of these years it was.  There were a few years (maybe 2 or 3) where I made enough money that I wasn't eligible for food stamps, but that's the best I've ever done.

I've still never even made $20,000 in a single year and I don't get child support or welfare, but somehow we've managed to scrape by.  I mean - I felt like I'd conquered the world when I bought my house (with a mortgage, obviously) at 24 years old.  I really thought I topped out right there - at the point in life where I was going to struggle to make a mortgage payment for the next 30 years.

I don't know.  I wish I could find all the words I need to express how strange this all is to me.  Slowly but surely I'm starting to see myself having an actual career and not living paycheck to paycheck.  It's bizarre to feel that maybe I CAN have an active role in how my future turns out.  It still feels scary to think that one day I might be a "success" financially.  (To me, that would be paying off my house and being able to afford a car that doesn't break and having enough money left to help some animals.  LOL)

I know I've dropped off the map to a lot of my friends and I apologize for that.  I know I've stopped helping animals and friends alike and I apologize for that, as well.  I really appreciate all of you who have understood my struggle and who have stuck by me through this and most of all, any of you who have encouraged me along the way.  Many days I still feel like a secure future is just a dream, but some days - like today - I can see how much closer I am to making it come true.  It honestly. blows. my mind.  😳