Calculus has turned back into numbers, graphs...

Calculus has turned back into numbers, graphs, and even some kinematic-type stuff from Physics. I can't express how much relief that brings me. This feels better.

Btw, I made a 38 on the last test. Thankfully, there will be a chance to re-take it. I will do better next time. I already feel better knowing that everything is not just proof-type stuff for the rest of the semester. That would have probably forced me to drop a class for the first time. Math without numbers is NOT COOL. 👎

I feel this today. I feel out of control lately. It is not a good feeling.

I feel this today.  I feel out of control lately.  It is not a good feeling.

Over the weekend I ate a whole box of Oatmeal CREME PIES by myself (happy, Shaun? [he gives me crap when I call them "cookies"]).  I have been sleeping like I hate myself - staying up WAYYY later than I need to just to mess with nail stuff or watch TV (in other words, to relax and have fun).  Even on my best days I struggle to maintain a schedule.  I hate feeling confined, and that is exactly what having a schedule feels like to me.  It honestly takes work and effort for me to stay on track.  I spent almost a whole month being a good girl (staying on track), but now I feel like I've hit a brick wall when it comes to motivation.  It is gone.

I feel like if I drank or did drugs I'd be on a bender right now.  I know that most people don't understand why I steer clear of all of that, but this is why.  Addiction runs in my family.  If "cutting loose" or "losing control" to me means sleeping when I want and eating like crap, then this is plenty bad enough for me.  This is one area of my life in which I feel proud to be a lightweight.  I feel really awful (both physically and emotionally right now), and I know that I need to get myself together.  The hard part is actually doing it.

I thought at some point in life I'd wake up and be an "adult," where having a set schedule would just be normal and I'd be good at it.  It hasn't happened yet.  I can do it for a while, but I always eventually go on a junk food / sleeping wrong rampage.  I would honestly prefer to binge on work / school, then have some days off to recover.  I know that is not healthy, but I suck at moderation, so... I don't know what to do about that.  What's even more messed up is that I don't really have time to deal with it - even if there was a solution.

So with that I'm gonna play this song a few more times while I get ready for class.  I guess I will go through the motions of being back in control until it really happens.  🙁

I should be studying, but I have a headache and I'm in a bad mood.

I should be studying, but I have a headache and I'm in a bad mood.  So... I edited my nail pics and here I am instead.  😬

I've been wanting to try my hand at doing marble / stone nails, but it's so hit or miss whether they turn out nice.  There are quite a few techniques that will get a similar look, but I never found one before now that would give me consistent results.  I did some for Shaun once that looked nice, but I couldn't make it happen again for myself with that same technique, so it was pretty frustrating.

I'm gonna keep this short because I am a tired grump and I have emails and other notifications to deal with, but believe it or not I did these WITH A SYRINGE.  I saw a quick tutorial on Instagram, so I was like "Why not?"  Funny thing is - this is the backside of the polish - the flip side of what the person in the tutorial had showing on her nails, but I liked it better, so whatever.  😜

I hope you all are having a good week.  I have not yet recovered from yesterday, but hopefully I will soon.  ❤

Despite setting two alarms I woke up at 8:28...

Despite setting two alarms I woke up at 8:28... two minutes before I was supposed to be at my first job.

I don't do coffee, but there is no tea in my house.  I just made tea late Sunday night.

I guess today IS another day.  Looks like it might be another rough one, though.  Hopefully it will turn around.

And with that... off I go.

I'm heading to bed. It was not a good day, and I'm ready to be done with it.

I'm heading to bed. It was not a good day, and I'm ready to be done with it.

I know I failed that Calculus test, but I think I can recover.  Doing a bad job on that test wasn't the only upsetting thing that happened to me today, though; I found out after the test via email that I missed out on some financial help through no fault of my own.  I feel pretty let down... and of course since I am broke I am upset about that.  Yes, Shaun has my back, but I feel good when I can pay my own bills.

I had myself a good cry in the car before I went home.  I didn't sleep well last night and I was having some serious nerves before the test today, so I just needed to let it out.  Shaun ordered and picked up some pizza for me, so we hung out and chowed down once I got home.  That helped a lot.  That, and all of you being so supportive.  🙂

So, I am 100% sure that theoretical math is not something I will ever do by choice.  If I do go back for my masters in math one day it will have to be an applied route or something.  I know that most people don't like mixing their numbers and letters in math, but when you take the numbers out and it's basically all letters - well, that is some messed up stuff, and I am NOT into it.  LOL

Anyway, I'm getting in my bed right now and hopefully tomorrow will be better.  Oh, and at least my nails are pretty.  😉😛  (Pics soon-ish, I hope.)

Despite having an hour left to complete my Calculus test...

Despite having an hour left to complete my Calculus test I just turned it in half-done. I don't know what to say for myself besides that I'm tired. I'm tired and I don't want to do this anymore. 🙁

I really hope this feeling passes.

Ah, summer classes.

Ah, summer classes. Test the first half of class, then class the last half of class. Sounds thrilling.

Anxiety to the max.