I'm back.

I'm back.  I probably wasn't even deactivated long enough for anyone to miss me except for one of my besties, but I needed the break.  I just felt like life was too much, and social media wasn't helping.  I get far too many notifications and truthfully my break from here was really peaceful.  I wanted to stay deactivated, but I couldn't get Shaun to join a nail polish group for me and my favorite brand is having a release tomorrow and I needed all the details.  So, here I am.

For my continued peace of mind I have made a few changes to my Facebook account.  First of all, I've muted quite a few Messenger conversations as well as deleted that app from my phone again.  I also deleted the Facebook app.  Additionally, no one can post on my timeline anymore.  If it was possible I'd turn off tagging and messaging, too, but I couldn't find a way.  To anyone who interacts with me:  I'm sorry about all of this, but there is just too much stuff incoming that I don't want or need.

I feel like I need to explain something real fast; I am bothered when notifications pile up, and when someone is talking to me I feel rude if I don't respond.  I know that this is social networking and the point is to be social, but I don't have it in me right now.  It's just creating more stress.  I'm taking my hermiting to the next level, it seems.  😕  It's really not intentional, but I am honest to goodness tapped out.  I know you all have the best intentions when you tag, message, or post something to me like nail art or cute animals, but those things are honest to goodness so far from anything I care about right now.  🙁

I know this comes off as so grumpy and rude, but I'm still struggling with my life and my mental health.  I don't feel much like myself, or who I thought I was.  I do feel less anxious now that the semester has ended, but that's about all I can say.  Of course, comments and conversations are always welcome (if you can forgive my delays with responding since I'm limiting my access here), but anything else is likely just an unwelcome distraction if I'm being perfectly honest.  🙁  I am so sorry to be this way, but setting limits here is the only way I can think of to keep myself from withdrawing completely.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well.  I'm not entirely, but at least I am a little rested after being out of school for a few days.  I guess that counts for something.  Sending my grumpy love vibes to you all.  😛❤

I made a 44 on my C++ final.

I made a 44 on my C++ final. I am shocked and disappointed, and I am going back to bed.

I exist right now. That's about it.

I exist right now.  That's about it.

Every day since Tuesday I have crawled back into my bed right after getting home from school.  Yesterday was the first day I didn't eat a grilled cheese and fries kid's meal from Sonic in my bed; I ate it on the couch instead.  All I did today was go to one class, and then out to eat with Shaun and his dad.  I came home and slept for a few more hours, yet I am exhausted beyond belief already.  I don't really want to admit what an accomplishment it is that I didn't get back in my bed before 7, but this is my reality right now.

I have no more Sandy Shuffle in my life, no more Scooter shaking his pom-pom tail for me; I have no more Emma bringing her food in the room so she can eat with us, and now no more Nappy running out into the fence to greet me every day, or whining in the morning because her food was never early enough, or her pushing her food dish around to scrape the "bad" off the top (a habit she got from the bad place she was before that she never grew out of; they just cracked a 50 lb bag of food open for all the dogs, and they had to eat it regardless of rain, ants, whatever...)

I just feel so empty.  Believe it or not, I'm not dwelling on all of this, but there are constant reminders everywhere that I've lost 4 of the most precious family members I've ever had.  I feel more down than I ever have, even though I'm taking double my usual dose of Celexa.  I have zero energy, and my self-care has gone to shit.  I might actually take a shower tonight, though, so I guess that is something.  I hate to post and be such a downer, but it's progress that I'm posting at all.  Woohoo.

In other news:  Today was my last class of the semester; I have final exams on Monday and Tuesday, then I'm out of school until January.  My grades are decent; I am pretty sure I have an A in Discrete Computational Structures.  I have a B in Stats, but if I can make at least a 68 on that final (which I think I can), I'll have an A in there, too.  I currently have a B in C++ which is ok, but I feel like I could have and should have done better.  But given everything that has happened this semester, oh well.  I feel accomplished just for hanging in there.

I'm looking forward to some down-time soon.  I'm hoping it will help me feel better.  I really need to be working while I'm out of school, but I'm not going to push myself.  It just feels like entirely the wrong thing to do.  I've been going hard since the beginning of 2015 and I honestly haven't had an easy year since.  My physical health was horrible in 2015 to the point where I had trouble walking; last year was full of loss and stress, and this year is turning out to be no easier.  I'm really not sure how much more I can take.  But I hope you all are doing well, and if you're not, please just try to hang in there.  That's what I'm doing because I don't know what else to do.  ❤

I feel like my life isn't even real right now.

I feel like my life isn't even real right now.  Like, honest to goodness, I don't even know anything anymore.  We lost another dog today.  It was my big old beautiful messy girl, Natasha (aka Nappy).

She was with us for 8 or 9 years; I remember the first time I met her.  My friend (Natasha's rescuer) had brought her in to PetSmart to get help shaving her down.  I was a dog bather there at the time, so I basically watched / helped hold her on the table.  She was so matted that you couldn't pull an ear away from her head, or find her eyes.  Bugs were crawling out of the ridiculous huge single matt that covered her body.  Despite her obvious discomfort, she was the most gentle giant.  I fell in love with her instantly, but it wasn't until a year or two later that she came to live with me.

She was always the sweetest girl, but she had tons of chronic health problems.  As my friend who rescued her put it, she was "a puppy mill genetic nightmare."  Honestly, I spent more money than I had over the years trying to keep her groomed, medicating chronic ear and eye infections, paying for arthritis meds so she wouldn't be in pain, and even having surgery for hip dysplasia.  She was a ton of work, but I loved her and did the best I could.

Her most recent battle with eye infection was looking really good just a few weeks ago.  Unfortunately, us cleaning and medicating her eyes at the maintenance dose stopped cutting it.  They looked horrible over the weekend; worse than I'd ever seen them.  Last night, she wouldn't eat a treat, which is a big red flag because that girl loved her food.  When Shaun tried to feed her this morning her mouth dripped blood into her bowl and she was wavering when she stood.  That was basically our last straw.  She felt too bad, and had felt so bad off and on throughout her life that we just didn't want to put her through this anymore.  She looked done, and so we let her be.

I worry that we should have done this a long time ago; hell, I'm still questioning if it was the right thing to have done it today.  But it is hard to watch someone you love suffer.  So, I'm not ok.  I'm upset.  I'm sad and I'm angry.  I wasn't ready for this, but it wasn't about me.  We've now lost 4 of 6 dogs in 2 years.  I always thought I'd not want to exist without my dogs and currently that is accurate.

If I disappear for a while I apologize, but I was still struggling to be ok before this.  I have finals coming up and I've gotta find the energy to care about that.  So I love you and I hope your lives are going ok.  Catch you when I can, I guess.  ❤

I want to apologize for this not being the personal "Thank you" I intended...

I want to apologize for this not being the personal "Thank you" I intended to hand out to each of you, and that you all deserve.  I'm still struggling in a lot of ways, but I know y'all know that which is why you helped me.  Your kindness during this low point is deeply appreciated.  My words are failing me right now; I wanted to say something that would make you know how grateful I am that I have friends who care about me so much.  I wish I could do better right now, but the elephant on my chest has cracked the cup I pour from and I'm feeling pretty empty at the moment.  I don't really know what else to say, except that if there is ever anything I can do to pay you back or help you in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  💗💗💗

Hello, friends.

Hello, friends. I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving and weekend. As for us, there is a lot to say.

I'm not big on holidays as it is, though Thanksgiving is one of my favorites (not because of what it celebrates [horrible things were done to the Natives, and I believe in being thankful every day], but I do like it because I don't cook yet I still get to eat a lot.) This year had a couple of extra layers of stress. Thanksgiving would have been Shaun's mom's birthday had she not passed away earlier this year, so it was rough on a few levels. Thankfully, we got through the day.

Friday was my birthday, and that is the day we started doing some house repairs because dad was free. You know you're officially an adult when replacing a floor is a wonderful gift. LOL It took 3 days; we just finished up today. The contents of Shadow's room are strewn about the house (and have been for days) so it's driving me crazy. We're about to go through it all and see what we can purge. Woo.

In other exciting news, we caught a good Black Friday sale on the web and got Kira a bed just like she wanted: black, full-size, and with drawers underneath. 😃 It will be delivered tomorrow. A few weeks ago one of our friends gave us a couple of dressers he no longer needed, so my mom and Kira spray-painted them her favorite color today. We've had her stuff in one of my closets and some of Shadow's drawers, so this will be much better. I'm super excited to get everything re-organized and put away.

In even OTHER exciting news:  Kira got braces on Tuesday. We loved her smile as it was, but she wasn't happy with it - and her opinion is the one that matters. We'd planned to do this before Emma's unexpected hospital bill, but we don't believe in breaking promises to the kids if we can avoid it at all. Thank goodness for Care Credit. We have a year with no interest, so that will help a lot.

Speaking of Emma's bill, I am so thankful to each of you who donated. I have some very generous friends and I will be thanking each of you personally ASAP. There has been so much going on lately with my mental health and with losing Emma and then all of this house stuff that I just haven't been able to keep up. I also need to thank all of you for the birthday wishes, as well as wish a couple of birthday twins a belated Happy Birthday, as well. I hope you all will forgive my behind-ness; maybe this super adorable picture of Kira will help. 😊😍❤️

It's been a rough day.

It's been a rough day. Shadow's bedroom floor has been sagging - we think because of that pipe bursting in the house last spring. His room got the worst of it since it's right next to the bathroom. We thought we got all of the water up, but clearly we did not.  Thankfully, my dad has some time to help me with repairing it this weekend.

He came over bright and early to lead the way since I know very little about carpentry. We ripped the floor up, down to the joists. It was worse than we thought. Shaun stepped through the floor, dad cracked it with his butt, and I straight up fell through. I have some scrapes and bruises and I'm sore, but I guess I'm fine. I'm just thankful that it's being repaired.  Side note:  Congoleum is bomb-ass flooring because it kept us from falling through before we pulled it up. Just sayin'. 

I'm tired. We have more work to do the rest of the weekend. I have a test on Tuesday. Shadow and Kira have a web project coming due that I said I would help them both with. I did rest up most of the week, but I guess it was just so I could power through Thanksgiving and this weekend.

Sharing my sad Emma post one last time (for realsies). Worth a shot, I guess.

Highlight of my day: Baja with the fam and finding $4 in a store parking lot. Happy Birthday to me.