So I've officially met all of my new professors now.

So I've officially met all of my new professors now. These are the classes I'm taking:

Intro to Advanced Math

Web Design

Tech Writing

Java

Game Programming

Tuesday my teacher for Web Design didn't show up at all. We waited for him for an hour before someone went to the office to ask if we had to stay the whole period. He was also very late today; a student had to fetch him from his office. He thought our class started at a different time. Anyway, that class looks like it focuses on HTML and CSS so I think I'll be just fine in there. I've been doing HTML stuff since the days of MySpace. LOL

I also don't think that Tech Writing is going to be hard; I really like to write and I think it will be easier than my English classes. I don't think we'll have to do reports or anything, although we will have to do some presentations. Shockingly - I don't mind that. I think I'm just too old to be that self-conscious anymore. The tough part is probably going to be that everyone is going to critique us, but I'm not super sensitive about stuff like that so I'm sure it will be ok.

Game Programming looks fun. That class doesn't have a lot of lecture. It's divided into cubicles called War Rooms and he'll put us into groups for all but the first two projects. We'll have to do a version of Frogger and something else on our own just to make sure that we know how to work the software. After that it's a bunch of teamwork. I guess there are positives and negatives to that, but I'm always going to do my share of the work (if not more) and we have to rate each other, too. By the last project we'll be grouped by similar ratings so that will be nice.

Intro to Advanced Math I'm not super sure about. I haven't seen any of the actual material yet, but I do know that we have to cover 377 pre-calculus topics in Aleks within 6 weeks. We have to make AT LEAST an 85 on it or we get a zero. He said that it should all be review and that it's meant to refresh us; I'm guessing that the math needs to be fresh for us to understand how the proofs work. The final grade can replace a low test grade or a missed test so that should help. It might be some hard work, but I feel interested and kind of excited about the Aleks work, honestly.

Then there is Java. It's supposedly pretty different from any other programming language I've learned so far, but that's ok. One of the girls that tutored me last semester said she actually liked it better. I'm pretty excited to see how it works. I know that they do have tutoring for that so if I get stuck I will definitely reach out for help.

So I feel pretty optimistic about this semester and being able to handle this load even though I've never before taken 5 classes at once in my college life. I'm thinking that at worst Web Design and Tech Writing will not be too strenuous so maybe it'll be like I'm only taking 4 classes. LOL I guess I will find out. All of my teachers seem pretty nice and it was really great being familiar with campus and seeing a lot of people I recognized. It definitely feels better than when I started last semester.

Anyway, I'm off to file down my nails. They are long enough to bother me when I type, so they gotta get shorter. I might even throw some paint down. Who knows?

I hope y'all are doing well. I feel better than I expected to, thank goodness. ❤❤❤

I will post a school update tomorrow.

I will post a school update tomorrow. So far, so good. Will hopefully meet one more professor tomorrow; word around Ayers Hall is that he forgot about our class yesterday. 😂😂😂 Most of us stayed for an hour waiting for him before we gave up. 😂

For now, enjoy this funny photo of Faith. She's my sweet old goofy clown. I 💛💛💛 her nose freckles.

Back to JSU tomorrow.

Back to JSU tomorrow. I'm really hoping for a better semester this time. My only major issue right now is my Psoriatic condition. Aside from my bones aching the cold weather + raw skin = a bad time. To keep warm and keep friction off my legs I'm living in leggings under my clothes. I have to wear them inside - out to keep the seams from hurting me. Needless to say walking isn't my favorite thing at the moment, but I'll have to do plenty of that to get to my classes. Maybe it won't be so bad. I hope not. Sure feels like everything is a huge challenge right now, though. Blegh. 😕

It's been about two weeks since I last posted...

I have about a week left before I start back to school. My last post had an optimistic tone; yet I have done almost nothing but sleep since I wrote it. The only real thing I've managed to do was get through the holidays and Google some stuff. My research has led me to this conclusion:  I am probably in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Hear me out.

At the end of 2014 I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis. It was at that point that I stopped and took a good, hard look at my life. I could see that I was on the down-hill slide (health-wise). I knew I was not living up to my potential. I was stagnate (career-wise). I didn't have any money saved, I had no retirement plans, and if there were any emergencies I didn't have a way to get through them without getting farther behind. So I did something drastic (and thankfully it was positive):  I went back to college.

During 2015 I worked and went to school. I felt as optimistic as I could despite struggling with my physical health. That was the year I couldn't walk up or down stairs by myself. Most of the medications I was put on didn't help - or if they did, left me with pretty bad side effects. Fortunately (or unfortunately, I don't know), by the time I saw a rheumatologist that November my symptoms were under control enough that he didn't want to change my medication. Then I lost my insurance... so you know - that was great.

I started off 2016 uninsured and a little heavier than I was used to being because I'd hurt so much during 2015 that I became much less active. I tried to take it easy on myself, but being in college and around so many young, healthy people... well, even though I've never been one to focus on my looks I gotta say that my self-esteem was starting to take a hit. Not only that, but my hobbies were starting to slip away. I wasn't making jewelry anymore, I was doing my nails less, and I wasn't taking in as many animals. Then, 2016 kicked me while I was down. Dad's house burned, killed his pets, took almost everything he had. I lost Lowrider and Scooter, as well as some of the smaller ani-pals. A pipe burst in my house and it flooded. You know - all that good stuff. Enter antidepressants.

Then 2017 rolled around. Hard classes:  Physics, Calculus II. I questioned so many times if I should keep going because that shit was kicking my ass. Shaun lost his mom. My bones hurt and my skin flared - I suffered through it because I had no insurance and all I could get for medication was methotrexate (whose side effects are worse than my disease). My neighbor stole my power and water - super stressful. I was barely working at that point because school was taking so much out of me, so that was the last damn thing I needed. My nails were a mess - no time for hobbies. Self-care went down the toilet. The only thing I had to look forward to was JSU.

Made that transition - it was harder than I expected. The adjustment from one college to the other was rough. New place, new teachers, and only one person I knew. Classes were tough and took a lot out of me. I left a job I'd worked for 9 years to focus on school - yet another huge transition. Beyonce died. Emma died. Tasha died. I died inside. I melted down at school. I dropped a class. I made my first C. More transition - Shadow moved in with Shaun to gain a little independence and so Kira could have his room. Tragedy struck Kira's family. No self-care; my life was upside down and I was hanging by a thread. I didn't know who I was anymore. Felt like antidepressants couldn't save me now.

So this is where I am right now. I don't look like the Blu I remember. I don't feel like the Blu I remember. I don't work where the Blu I remember worked. I don't do the things that the Blu I remember used to do. Not that I have ever been the most outgoing, but I barely talk to my friends anymore, I don't seem to go anywhere besides school, and I don't do nails or take in animals or give back to the community. Even right now I'd choose cinnamon rolls over chocolate. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost myself. I've lost a lot in the past two years. It sucks.

What's even worse is that more transition is coming. The kids are both having major anxiety and depression over graduating high school in a few months. I generally recall that as being a very happy and exciting time of life, but honestly, none of the seniors at Saks seem pumped. They all seem worried about their future and that is the saddest thing. Shaun and I both constantly reassure Kira and Shadow that they don't have to move out or anything like that - we just want them to make some good life decisions about their futures. Still, they are struggling, too, and it hurts my heart.

So now what? I would LOVE to pretend that I've had enough bad shit happen that I get to be ok in 2018, but realistically I know that is not how life works. Fortunately (unfortunately?) I have a lot left to lose - even though I might have by and large lost sight of that in the midst of everything that has happened.

 
In any case I still don't know when or how I'm going to be ok. I don't know how I'm going to get through this semester with as tired and unmotivated as I've been. I still have no idea who I'm becoming because I'm sure not the person I remember being. I don't really know what to do with myself besides stay the course I started and try to finish school. I would really hate to crap out now that I am more than half-way done, but I am having some serious anxiety about school and about working after I graduate. I don't know. The only hope I have is that from everything I've read after the mid-life crisis (which is where you sort of bottom out), your happiness generally increases until you die so that is something to look forward to.

I'm really sorry for this drawn-out, downer of a post, but I really needed to get this out. As far as I know none of my friends have gone through this yet so I feel pretty alone. I know that I am generally on the young side for this to be happening, but I did have Shadow earlier than most people have kids so it would make sense since my boy is just 3 months shy of being 18. If anyone out there has advice for me feel free to share. Otherwise, I'm planning to step up my self-care a lot and just hang in there. I am going to see a therapist at JSU once classes start back and since I have a big break between some of my classes I'm going to try to take advantage of some of their free fitness classes. I did notice a boost in my overall well-being from having to walk so much so surely it will help if I can get a little more exercise in.

I hope you all are doing well. I'm not, yet, but I'm going to keep trying. That is all any of us can do.  🤎🤎🤎

I am pretty proud of myself today.

I am pretty proud of myself today.  I am 100% sure that I have moved my body the most I've moved it since I finished taking final exams.  I have mostly been a lump on the couch - just resting because I desperately needed it.  But today I had the house to myself (which is SO RARE), so instead of hanging with the fam I started organizing / going through all of the stuff we moved out of Shadow's room when we put a new floor in there right after Thanksgiving.  He and I had sorted a lot of things into "keep", "take to Shaun's", "give away", but there was a ton more to do.  All that is left now is one garbage-bag full of stuff for him to make decisions on.  What a relief!  I hate it when the house is messy and disorganized and it has been that way for months.  I knew it wasn't helping me at all with my mental-health situation, so I feel extremely accomplished and like my brain was de-cluttered in the process.  I also hauled about a car-load of stuff to the shelter thrift store, so that frees up some space.  Woohoo!

I know this is such a boring status, but for me this would have been a pretty big project to tackle on a good day, much less one when I feel like I'm still recovering from stress and depression.  While I was at it I washed the couch covers, swept and mopped, cleaned my litter boxes, loaded the dishwasher, and folded and put away some laundry.  My back is screaming, so now I'm back in my rightful place on the couch with the dogs.  I'm just waiting for my guy to bring me some pizza and this day will be complete.

I think it's a big upswing for me that I had motivation today and that I'm actually posting on here and hoping people will talk to me.  I have been so reclusive and lumpy for so long, and I'm hoping that has about come to an end.  I hope you all are doing well, or at least better than you were.  Baby steps.  ❤

I usually write something long and mushy...

I usually write something long and mushy, but not tonight. I'm just happy to be going through life, even (and especially) the tough bits with Shaun by my side. I honestly don't think I'd still be standing and moving forward without him.

Sorry that the photo is dark, but I don't think either of us have ever photographed our food before. 😂😂😂  Ruby Tuesday gave us free chocolate cake with ice cream to celebrate our 9 years and going strong. Happy "Us" Day, love!

How I'm finishing out 2017:

How I'm finishing out 2017:  Empty, and low on life force. Thank goodness for Shaun. Can't imagine life without my favorite person. ❤️