I'm still not ok. I saw my counselor today.

I'm still not ok.  I saw my counselor today.  It was helpful, I guess, but I have a long way to go.  I realized that I don't have a single person in my life who can relate to the struggle I'm facing with college and the challenges of tearing down mental blocks and living with the amount of growing pains I've suffered.  Due to that...

I feel very isolated.  I'm not sure what to do about that, but the social media relationships I'm getting on Facebook aren't cutting it.  Therefore, I'm taking a break from this platform indefinitely.  The Facebook app has been removed from my phone and I'm logging out after this post.

I really miss the days of social media being about maintaining relationships.  As things are right now I have to scroll through a million memes / shared posts to see any original content.  Some memes / shared posts are cute and relatable, but most are tired and have been around before.  If I had the energy to put into finding a way to see only original content I'd consider sticking around.  But that is not worth my time or energy when I'm running so low on both.

I'm not deleting Messenger because it is, unfortunately, very useful.  If anyone wants to talk to me there feel free but know that I have notifications turned off and will check it at my convenience.  Please do not send me memes or cute animals or heartwarming stories or things you think I will like.  I currently don't have the ability to appreciate that and will feel annoyed that my time has been wasted.  And I probably won't respond to you and it's very likely I will mute the conversation.

I know that this might seem like a counterintuitive measure to take when I'm already feeling alone, but I feel like I give more to Facebook than I get and I can't afford that kind of energy / time expenditure anymore.  I've moved to another platform where I can find information and be part of actual conversations, which is what I crave.

There is no need to respond to this post because I don't plan to see it.  If you'd like to message me, though, feel free.  Also, I might post stories when I feel that I have something to share, but I don't know and I make no promises.

*****

One last thing before I go:

Kira is looking for a job doing stocking, cleaning, dishwashing, or anything along those lines.  Please message her directly if you know of a job opportunity that she may be qualified for.  I've tagged her in this post so she can be easily found.  Thanks in advance.

Anyone else...

Shaun took me to the doctor.

Shaun took me to the doctor. I got my migraine meds refilled and an anxiety medication. I rescheduled my therapy appointment. First available was next Tuesday at 10.

I took a look at the schedule planner for spring classes. I don't know if it's finalized, but I didn't see Abstract Algebra. I guess there's always hope that I could do an independent study. I noticed that Networking is offered, though, in case I end up failing even more this go 'round.

I'm snuggled up on the couch with my dogs. Just having someone exist with you with no expectations is my favorite thing - especially when I'm depressed. Having to engage is work that I don't have the energy to do.

I'm off to rest, friends. Thank you to everyone who has my back through all of this. I appreciate you. ❤️

I guess it's actual breakthrough depression...

I guess it's actual breakthrough depression because I've reached the "crying a lot" stage. Definitely not just overwhelmed. Damn.

Shaun is taking me to the doctor in the morning. I'm too lifeless to take myself.

My therapist canceled my appointment.

My therapist canceled my appointment. I'm sad. I needed it. Last night was the first time in 5 days I brushed my teeth and slept in my bed rather than on the couch.

I've spent the last 3 or 4 days abusing myself with food.

I've spent the last 3 or 4 days abusing myself with food.  I've been stressed.  I don't have the benefit of a personality that isn't obsessive or easily addicted, so I can't just smoke pot or have alcohol to wind down (nor do I want to, so please don't even try to make it a thing.  Yeah - I'm for legalizing pot because adults should be able to do what they want, but I'm not interested in that or CBD oil or coconut oil or essential oils.  Please don't even bring it up because it's not going to happen).  You'd be shocked at how many messages I get telling me to try pot or oil to feel better.  I won't.

Anyway.  I've had far too much sugar.  I've eaten so much junk food over the past few days.  My psoriasis is flaring up and my complexion looks terrible.  I've slept almost none and then almost non-stop.  I've over-worked myself trying to catch up to where I needed to be, and honestly after that Networking exam it feels like it was all for nothing.  So I'm ill.  I'm angry.  I'm unhappy.  I may be depressed, or I may just be reaping the rewards of being overwhelmed.  I do not know.

What I do know is that I am so discontent with certain things right now.  I want some changes to happen.  I've been working hard since 2015 to make some major life changes and I'm tired of working so hard and not having results.  I have grown and changed and gone through so many mental breakdowns since starting college.  In a lot of ways I feel like an entirely different person.  I have conquered things that terrified me (ahem, Calculus.)  I have done things I never thought I would achieve (attending JSU, for one.  Attending on a scholarship, for another).

But I'm frustrated.  I know that I am SO CLOSE to graduation, but it is not fun being confronted with failure so often.  I am not having a good time.  I want to cry, and scream, and I feel like no one gives a shit.  Everyone just tells me I'll be fine, that I'm tough and smart and always make it.  I get no space to be vulnerable.  I was chatting with someone just the other day and I was looking at Abstract Algebra and started to cry and they didn't even notice!  I don't feel seen.  Just because I have made it through hard things before doesn't mean that I'm not scared to death of newer, harder things.  I am!

I don't know what else to say.  I know I'm going to be blowing off some steam soon, some kind of way.  I can feel it building.  If anyone sees me running blindly and just scream-crying, you'll know what's up.  Until then I'm grumpy and I'm not even sorry.  I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist this coming week.  I need some kind of help because honestly, right now, I am not ok.

Felt so ready for my Networking exam.

Felt so ready for my Networking exam. Studied hard. Made a 39.6.