Shaun just covered and tucked in my old man...

Shaun just covered and tucked in my old man and I'm not sure I could love him more. I asked him what he was doing when he got a fresh new blanket out. His response? "He looked cold." This human still melts my heart even after 12 years. 💗💗💗

For the last 3 days...

For the last 3 days I have sat down to do homework and I have gotten exactly 0% of it done.  I cannot concentrate to save my life.  I'm obsessing over this virus stuff and everything feels a little pointless right now.  I don't know how to break this cycle.

We tried to go to Wal-Mart...

We tried to go to Wal-Mart because me and Kira need some medication refilled.  It was PACKED and I chickened out.  I'm wondering if the (finally issued) stay at home order is going to make that better or worse...

In case anyone is wondering how my day is going...

In case anyone is wondering how my day is going... I just hit my face on a trashcan and broke my glasses. 😂😂😂😭😭😭

Wifey. 😍

Wifey. 😍

Our sweet parakeet...

Our sweet parakeet, CeeLo Green, passed away today. 😭😭😭

It's 2:30 in the morning on a Wednesday.

It's 2:30 in the morning on a Wednesday. I don't know if anyone will see this, but I'm not feeling too ok. I'm just posting to get out of my head. 

I slept like crap last night. I had nightmares again. Far too often my nightmares involve my dogs; specifically, the loss of most of my pack (Lowrider, Scooter, Emma, Nappy, and the remaining Booka and Faith). Not even their deaths - I have found that I can live with that, as I know where they are and that they're not suffering. The nightmares are that I have to choose between my dogs and other humans, or that they are lost and I can't find them, or I have to choose between them and being homeless or some other hardship. The thought of being forced to let them go kills me. Nothing like that ever happened; I was with the four who've already passed until the very end, just as I plan to be for my remaining two. I don't understand why I keep having these dreams.

I'm not one to assign meaning to things like this, but damn. The recurrence makes me wonder. Regardless, I wish I could find a way to make them stop. I woke up feeling terrible with a tension headache and a side of nausea. I managed to stave off getting a migraine, but I felt pretty rough all day and napped a lot.

I'm (understandably) having a good deal of anxiety about the virus situation. I can't stop myself from checking every few hours to see how the confirmed case count has gone up in my area. I'm worried about my mom, dad, and brother. I don't know how much they're staying in. I wonder if the people I care about will survive this until I can see them again.

I really don't see this easing up anytime soon; certainly not by Easter. Things obviously suck right now, but I'm pretty sure the worst has yet to hit Alabama and waiting for the other shoe to drop is torturous. I'm not saying it's better for a tornado to rip through and kill us, but at least that's over fast and the damage can be assessed pretty quickly. With this virus it's like slow doom and the not-knowing exactly HOW bad it's going to be is getting to me.

I don't know if I'm being dramatic by thinking things will never be the same. In a lot of ways that could be good, but on the other hand I think we'll all end up losing people we care about and obviously that will be terrible. I saw a video on reddit of a guy in his car getting footage of bodies being loaded into a cold truck in Brooklyn. All he could say was "This is for real" over and over. You could hear him breaking down over the length of the 2-minute video. I know that we're not as densely populated as some other places, but that is literally happening here in the United States. That scares me.

I don't know. I'm trying to stay busy and out of my head. Me and Shaun did yard work the other day. I spent yesterday washing my rocks and cleaning old candle jars to use for storage and plant stuff. My nails were a nice length before that and I'd been hoping to do some nail art, but instead I gave them the big chop last night. They were too far gone and I have more rocks to wash and jars to clean. I really need to put some focus on school work but I'm having a hard time controlling my brain. I can do repetitive / mindless tasks easily, but when I'm still / quiet - that's hard.

Anyway, tldr; I'm struggling. Not so much with being home, but, you know - doom.

I hope you all are doing well. Unless everyone is just not talking about their feelings, you all seem to be coping fairly decently. Feel free to write feelings to me anytime. Memes are cool and all that, but I like getting real. I like knowing how y'all are doing, genuinely. ❤️❤️❤️