Booka just had another accident in his bed.

Booka just had another accident in his bed. It's getting more frequent that he pees in his sleep areas. It only happens later in the day. I wonder if his mind is going. He's not acting like he does when he has a UTI.

😥

I appreciate all of the love sent my way today.

I appreciate all of the love sent my way today.  I'm sorry that I haven't responded yet; I've read all of your comments and I appreciate them, but I don't have it in me to react / reply personally just yet.

I didn't sleep much last night.  I sat up until almost 3 am studying and playing games... trying to distract myself from her being in the hospital.  I wouldn't have been able to sleep had I tried.  The call came early (6:30ish) that we'd lost Faith during the night.  Shaun came to my room, woke me up, and told me the news.  Then he held me while I tried to wake up / process what I was hearing.  I legit asked him if he was kidding because it just didn't make sense.

It's weird to feel so disoriented.  My first emotion was, as I posted early this morning, disbelief.  Then I got angry.  Not at Faith, not at the doctors, but just angry with nowhere to really direct it.  That sucks.  Then I felt nauseated - like I'd been punched in the gut.  I decided to get up and try to eat, and I did, but it didn't really help.  I spent most of the day in a weird daze, struggling to process what happened.  Sometimes crying, sometimes angry, talking it over and over with Shaun about how she was fine when we went to bed on Saturday night, "Did I cause this?  What happened?  Did something bite her?," replaying Saturday evening in my head trying to figure it out.  I can't.  I just do not know what happened.

Shaun and I cuddled together in the recliner, just being together in our sadness.  He is so patient with me.  I know it was not the most fun rehashing the last 48 hours over and over, but I had to.  He's assured me so many times that this couldn't have been my fault, but she was my responsibility and not knowing what went wrong is eating me up.  Since I don't know what happened I can't learn from this.  If something in my house caused this how can I protect Booka and the cats and tortoises from it?  I have no answers and I am not ok.

We eventually napped for a while and then left to retrieve her body at 3 pm.  On the way to the vet the sadness really hit full force.  Seeing her body, getting that lovely paw print from AMC of which I am collecting far too many... I had no choice but to accept that she is gone.  Though I'd cried off and on all day that's when the ugly crying really started.

I am sad, y'all.  I am really, really sad.  I have missed her all day.  I got dressed without anyone tugging my clothes and waving their big, goofy, good-morning open mouth at me.  When the cats got in a scuffle earlier, nothing happened.  I waited a beat then said "Bark bark bark."  Shaun kind of half-smiled and squeezed my arm.  Faith always tried to keep the cats in line.  When I was making my dinner she wasn't there asking for me to share.  When I take my antianxiety tonight and in the morning she won't be waiting next to me for her daily meds, too.

This has been a big, sudden, confusing, bad loss.  I'll be ok eventually.  I survived losing the rest of my pack and I'll get through this, too.  But for now I'm grieving real hard and processing the best I can. Please know that I love and appreciate all of you.  Do me a favor and hug your loved ones because you really never know what tomorrow brings.  ❤

Pardon me, but what the fuck?

Pardon me, but what the fuck? She didn't make it.

I feel like I didn't think she would die without me or I wouldn't have left her. We are devastated that she died alone.

Deep down I thought she'd be ok with some fluids after getting the anaphylaxis under control. Worst case in my head was that we had to make the tough choice to let her go and we'd be there for her. I honestly didn't think it could be worse... and then suddenly it was.

Life just suckerpunched me.

I... I'm angry. I have so many feelings right now. I don't even know how to process this.

For real, though. 😂😂😂

For real, though.  😂😂😂

The one bright thing in the midst of this turmoil with my sick puppy is Shaun.

The one bright thing in the midst of this turmoil with my sick puppy is Shaun.  When I went to his room at 4 in the morning and told him something was wrong with Faith he got up right away and helped me care for her all night.  He made her a pallet in the floor when she was too hot for the couch.  He took her outside and helped her back in when she gave out before making it into the house.  He brought fresh water to her and tried to coax her to drink.  When she wanted on the couch he picked her up here and tucked her in with me so we could be together.  I petted her for hours until she got back in the floor to cool off.  She seemed a little better so we dozed.  When Shaun woke back up before me he checked on her then woke me up and told me to find a vet.  It was a long and sad night, but I am so grateful to have someone like him by side to go through it with.

Obviously I am sad and stressed today.

Obviously I am sad and stressed today.  When I went to bed last night I had no indication that something could be wrong with my old puppy.  It is so crazy how fast things can change.

This morning was full of confusion.  Being a Sunday I knew that most vets were not open.  My go-to for weekends / emergencies is Animal Medical Center, but their website said they weren't open and when I called I got the same message.  Thanks to a friend I ended up calling their emergency number and they were able to see Faith right away.  But due to the pandemic they came to our car to get information and then took her inside without us.  We spoke to the doctor over the phone.  I am not upset at the social distancing protocols, but I really hated being away from my old puppy with her not doing well.

As I posted a little earlier there's been no change in her condition.  She's got a fever and is on antibiotics and under a fan with a cooling pack.  She's on fluids for dehydration.  They are giving her Benadryl because whatever is happening resembles an allergic reaction.  Other than that they don't really have any answers and the doctor wasn't sure what other tests to do besides the bloodwork and stomach x-ray that they did earlier.  So I'm not feeling too optimistic at the moment.  😭

Faith has been with me for 12 years.  She was a foster failure.  Too goofy and goat-like for anyone to adopt her.  She'd go to the PetSmart adoption days and perch on the cat towers.  She sounds like a seal when she barks and often looks like she's been dubbed over because she moves her lips before and after her sounds come out.  🤣  I remember the day I brought her home I bent over to tie my shoe and the next thing I know she's sitting on my back.  😂😂😂  She has always been my goof and has gotten me through a lot of hard times with her antics.  I'm not ready to imagine life without her.

I've been without her all day and it's been super quiet around here.  No excitement.  No "help" putting on my clothes in the morning (she was never one to play with other dogs or people, but first thing in the morning she'll tug my clothes playfully).  I haven't "birthed a puppy" because she's not here to pop her head between my legs when I'm up and about.  No one is keeping the cats in order.  No one is barking at noises outside (or our reflection in the blank TV screen  🤣).  I'm just not a fan of this and hope that she turns a corner overnight.

I just needed to get my feelings out.  I'll update in the morning when I hear from the vet.  Thank you to all of my friends for being so supportive.  You are much appreciated.

I just checked in on Faith.

I just checked in on Faith.  Nothing has changed.  Fever, weak, on IV meds.  I was really hoping for more positive news. 😢