General Life Update: The anxiety is real.

General Life Update:  The anxiety is real.

This post will be all over the place because that is me at this moment.

I met with my professor (virtually) regarding my exam.  I actually made a few points lower than what she had graded.  😬  I see where I went wrong on a lot of things so that is helpful information and I'll be working on that.  She announced to the class the other day that we'll have two more quizzes this semester and she's planning to drop everyone's lowest quiz grade.  If I can make good-ish grades on both of those, that will help my overall score a lot.  Also, she has agreed to let me take those quizzes as well as the final at DSS (Disability Support Services), so that will eliminate a lot of my anxiety and make things feel more normal.

School is the major thing going on in my life right now, but it's not the ONLY thing.  The other big one is Shaun's parent's house... which I guess is basically ours now, even though that feels weird to say.  Houses are a lot of responsibility and Shaun has been the one going out there and cleaning things out and adding improvements and generally keeping an eye on the place.  He's working really hard out there.  I've been several times, but am mostly keeping my focus on school and staying home so that our house isn't empty.  Due to that we're spending a lot of time apart and while I actually enjoy being by myself I am having anxiety about "What if something happens and he gets hurt while doing all of this work?" and stuff along those lines.  Which...

I called him last night before I went to bed.  He didn't answer.  I called the house phone.  I called Messenger.  I called Google Voice.  I called his cell.  I called his dad's cell.  All no answer, anxiety increases, rinse, repeat.  It was bad.  I was literally about 2 seconds from throwing on clothes and driving out there when he called me back.  He was up a ladder installing a security camera outside - at almost midnight.  And he couldn't get to the phone.  When I finally talked to him I was ok.  But damn if those weren't a horrifying few minutes of my mind racing.  I apologized for freaking out and calling so much, but he was like "I heard it and I knew what was happening.  It's ok."  He is amazing and kind.  But he also could have let me know he wouldn't be near his phone for bit in the middle of the night.  😂😂😂

Anyway, all of this on top of election anxiety means that I'm running pretty low on chill.  Thankfully on that front, it looks like decency and grammar and decorum and human rights and eat the rich is in the lead.  If you don't agree, keep it to yourself or leave.  I have a lot more important things to focus on besides the feelings or opinions of friends / family / strangers who disagree.  There is hope yet for me to graduate in about a month, and I'm not finished trying to make it happen.  And with that, I'm off to study.  I hope you all are doing well.  If you're not because you're stressing, just remember that a Biden presidency literally won't hurt or kill you, unlike the last 4 years of that orange idiot stripping rights, harming our environment, and inciting violence.  Peace, ya'll.

We voted as a family today.

I'm not super happy today, but thankfully my mental health is hanging in there.

I'm not super happy today, but thankfully my mental health is hanging in there.

The main thing getting me down is that I didn't do well on my Differential Equations exam.  I studied so hard and I felt pretty confident, actually, by the morning of the test.  And then I made a freaking 64.  I don't know what happened, but my professor is going to do an online meeting with me on Tuesday so I can see my results.  So that grade brought my average down to a 58.  I am legitimately failing the one and only class I'm taking right now.  A class that I REALLY enjoy and with a professor who's teaching I really like, as well.

I know that I have bombed both quizzes.  The first one I could have done better and I admit that.  The second one was given after my Father-in-Law's health started seriously declining, so I was not in a good headspace.  And while this may be no excuse for some, I really, REALLY dislike the way she gives the online quizzes.  She puts up a PDF that we have to download.  The first time, she told us we could use only one sheet of paper to do all of the problems and we had to work them in order, AND THEN we had to upload a photo of that one piece of paper to the quiz (so like, finish the quiz, email it to ourselves from our phones because we aren't allowed to use our phones during the quiz so we can't open Canvas on our phones because if we did we'd have to look at the PDF of the quiz on them...)  It's just a whole ordeal.

I like to work things out of order and do what I know first, and I also write large.  And if you're not familiar with Calculus, those problems are long to begin with.  Add in the fact that I have to write down every step or I get lost, and that is just a recipe for disaster for me.  My math has to be very organized or my brain just doesn't work.  These quizzes are also timed which gives me huge anxiety because if we don't upload our answers by a certain time, they close out and you can't do it.  What if my phone is slow?  What if my laptop is slow?  She doesn't want us emailing our pages to her, but will let us if we have to.  Unfortunately, I'm sitting there like "How much room do I leave if I want to skip x number of problems?"  "What's the last minute I can finish and still make sure this is turned in on time?"  It's really bad.  Hence the 3/10 and 2/10 I've made on the quizzes, not to mention the technical difficulties I had on the last one.

Before anyone suggests it, yes, my professor knows what I have been going though.  She doesn't know that the way she gives the quizzes are bad for me, but I suppose I could tell her given that we have one more.  I really don't see why each question can't have a blank space to upload our work.  Another professor gave quizzes last semester and we had a space to upload answers for each problem, so I know it can be done.  At least that way I'd have the space I need and could work them in whatever order suited me.

I don't know.  This was SUPPOSED to be my last semester and I'm starting to doubt that it will be now.  That is a huge bummer.  I'm not giving up on it yet, but DAMN.  This year has not been kind to any of us, but this semester in particular has been especially brutal for me.  I mean, I've had my share of hard semesters; I lost a whole six pack of dogs since I've been in college, as well as like, five cats and several smaller pets, my dad's house burned down (killing his pets and leaving him homeless), my neighbor was stealing my power and water and bringing crackheads next door, we got Kira right before a huge tragedy struck her family, I moved and we moved the kids, I've been legit clinically depressed and started having anxiety, we lost Shaun's mom a while back and now his dad, DURING A PANDEMIC... I mean, things haven't exactly been calm and easy since I started college, but holy shit, this year takes the cake.  It honestly took the cake and RAN.

So, I don't know what to do besides hang in there and hope my professor has mercy on me.  Maybe if I can see where I went wrong on Tuesday I'll do better on the final, but I honestly don't know if it will be enough at this point.  I'm definitely going to study and try my best to be ready for the quiz and the final.  Hopefully, nothing else happens that prevents me from doing it.  There is a lot to do regarding my Father-in-Law's house / estate and all that, but Shaun can handle it for now.  As he tells me constantly, school is my job.  Unfortunately, I feel like if that was the case I'd be fired for sure with the way things are going.  😂😂😂😭😭😭

Anyway, I'm off to water some plants.  It's been well over a month and these succas are so shriveled.  And I just need a day to do something besides math or worry.  Maybe it'll help me if I direct my attention elsewhere.  Well, I hope you all are doing ok.  If you're not, eh, you're not alone.  And if you are, I hope you're appreciating it.  ❤

We finally have electricity again.

I'm studying in my car by the light of the Wal-Mart parking lot...

I'm studying in my car by the light of the Wal-Mart parking lot because my power is still out and I have shit to do.

Nothing about this day has been easy or fun. Maybe I'll tell y'all about it tomorrow, but for now I gotta go over my practice problems again.

I watched my lecture and I'm heading home.

I watched my lecture and I'm heading home. Aside from needing to study I dislike using data on social media. I might check in a few times because I have obligations to groups, but I'll likely be MIA today. Please don't feel ignored if I'm not quick to respond to things. ❤️

My power is out.

My power is out. I drove to JSU to get on wifi so that I could attend my online lecture from my car. Unfortunately, we seem to be having some technical issues within Teams. 

The storm kept me awake last night. Lots of limbs fell on the house. I have to check for damage when I get back home. I need to spend my day studying because I'm taking my Differential Equations exam tomorrow.

I'm tired and I don't know when electricity will be restored. This is going to be a super fun day - I can just tell. 🙄

I hope everyone is ok. I've already seen a few sad posts in Happy Tails Lost & Found Pets of Calhoun County. Please help keep an eye out for missing pets. Maybe this day can suck a little less for a few people. ❤️