GTFO and we got some stuff done!

We watched Trump get impeached for the second time and finished cleaning out the basement. It was a good day! 😁

Let me help you spot some abuse.

If you find yourself in a relationship that brings out the worst version of you, leave it.

I'm feeling reflective.  After all of the nostalgia from the past few weeks I have felt like I wanted to write something but I haven't been sure what.  I'm honestly still not but I thought that (much like my approach to college) I would just start, do my best, and see where it goes.  So here I am again.

I guess we all probably have a past romantic relationship that we consider to be our worst.  I absolutely do and it's probably not the one you would think.  It's not the guy who pressured me into sex and then dumped me after I got a piercing he didn't approve of.  It's not the 20-year-old man who knocked up my 16-year-old self, cheated on me (yeah, I know about it), and then peaced the fuck out never to help and rarely to be heard from again.  It was actually probably the most "normal" looking relationship I had (before my wonderful husbang, obvi) and looking back it was awful.  The funny thing is that I didn't even realize it was awful until someone came along and pointed it out.  I guess that's what makes mental / emotional abuse so hard to spot.

I don't care to get into a ton of detail because I've taken my lessons learned and moved forward, not back, but when one person is never happy with their situation, but refuses to put in work to change it - that is a problem because they will never be happy.  When there is potential to build and grow but one person can't or won't commit to building or growing with you - that is a problem because that is wasted time and energy; you will literally get nowhere with this person no matter how much time or energy you invest.  These things (plus tons more; I'm not up for trying to make an exhaustive list) can happen due to being incompatible which is not really the fault of anyone; that just happens sometimes and the sooner you see it the better.

When there is a double-standard in the relationship (I can do a thing but you can't) - that is a problem, period.  When someone dangles carrots of affection over your head like a donkey to get their way - that is a problem because when you love and care for a person you show affection to them whether they went to lunch without you one time or not, for example.  (And yes, that happened.  😂😂😂)  When your partner publicly insults you and not in a jovial, friendly way that you are ok with - that is a problem (even if you don't notice it, it's a problem and hopefully someone will point it out to you).  When you are made to feel like a terrible partner to the point that you are crossing your own boundaries to keep someone happy - that is a problem.  When you start questioning yourself and things you know to be true due to gaslighting - that is a HUGE problem because who can you rely on if not yourself?

Those things are abusive.  In the moment it might not feel like it and due to that they often they go unnoticed so I'm telling y'all:  If any of this hits too close to home you are not in a healthy relationship.  I was in one like this for more years than I care to admit and it made me so ugly on the inside.  I was anxious and stressed.  I was jealous, but I'm pretty sure he liked that.  I was hateful to a couple of women when my anger should have been directed at my partner.  I have since apologized to those women and some days I feel like I should apologize again.  I don't know what else to say except that I wasn't myself because I was being torn down.  It wasn't who I wanted to be and it sure as hell is not who I am now.

I'm going on 13 years with my favorite person - my husbang.  Being truly loved is so healing and I had a lot of healing to do.  I don't think I've ever been better emotionally than I have since I've been with him.  I have had some mental health issues which are not the same and are the fault of no one; nevertheless, he's been there for me through those, too, and I'm better for having had his help and support.  I really think I'm the best version of myself that I've ever been and I am grateful.  Onward and upward, my friends.  Don't let anyone or anything hold you back.  ❤

It's been a busy day.

It's been a busy day. As you can see these cats (Bastian and Scar) are exhausted. 😂😂😂

I started my day off bathing Nom (tortoise). I don't know what is going on with him but he's keeping to himself in his humid hide. I'm having to make sure he eats and stays hydrated. It's very unlike him to be so unsocial, but maybe it's just because it's cool right now. I'm still keeping a close eye on him.

After the animals were taken care of Shaun and I started cleaning out the basement. I have a long list of things to do and I was saving that chore for later but we both felt up for tackling it today so we did. Amazingly, we got most of it emptied. We sorted through a lot; we have a trash pile, a donation pile, and a "go through this stuff" pile. I'm pretty excited about our progress and can't wait to see it finished.

I can't say that our day was super exciting. We spent most of it working on the basement. I always like going through old stuff looking for treasure. I found a bunch of old binders and notebooks that I'm happy to add to my stash. Shaun found a ton of things from his past. There were about 20 animal corpses down there; mostly mice and blue birds. I understand that mice get in everywhere, but I was shocked at the number of birds. Anyway, it smells a lot better down there now.

Well, I guess I'm off so we can look through some of these boxes. I hope you all are doing well. ❤️

I agree, but...

I agree, but I would love it if we altogether stopped treating people certain ways depending on the genitals with which they were born.

Tonight is bittersweet.

Tonight is bittersweet. One of my best friends, Dinorah, is moving away and this is her last night in Alabama.

I met Dinorah at JSU and we clicked. I never expected to make a life-long friend in college since there is an age gap between me and most of the other students, but damn I'm glad it happened. I don't know how I would have made it through school without her. She was my sunshine on some pretty dark days. We took some tough classes together. She was the first person who invited me to be a gym partner. I don't know that I ever would have gotten out of my comfort zone and tried yoga without her let alone go to a gym at all. She helped me move when I moved into Shaun's house. She's been a friend in the truest sense of the word.

I feel like the pandemic robbed me of precious time I could have spent with her: More time getting Boba tea. Going out to eat. Choking out in restaurants while she gently embraced me from behind. 😂😂😂 Working out when our schedules meshed right. Watching Netflix and having pizza and Gooey Butter Bars. Hanging out with Shaun and / or Jonathon. Listening to good music. Watching videos on repeat of our wife, Christine and the Queens. Succulent shopping. Going places. Just chilling with the cats and pups. I loved hearing her exclaim "Faithie!" every time she came over. Faith loved her, too. Just talking and laughing and being, well, friends. I needed that. I still do.

I'm not throwing myself a pity party, though. Yeah, I'mma miss my girl, but I can't express how proud I am of her for graduating college and less than a month after that being prepared to pack her ass up and GO. That takes hard work and planning and SHE DID IT. She's been a hard worker for as long as I've known her. Despite being young she's got a good head on her shoulders and I know she's going to be fine - better than fine, really. She's going to do great things in the world and I can't wait to see them.

Moving across the country is a big, bold move. I don't think I would have had the guts to do that at her age. I'm going to be worried for a few days until she arrives at her destination, but I'm so ready for her to have the freedom and opportunity that comes with getting out of Anniston, AL. She has worked so hard and deserves all the good things that life has to offer.

I love you, Pinoran. I love you so damn much. Me and Shaun are here for you always - no matter the distance between us. Have a safe trip and know that I will be internet stalking you until I know you've made it to your new home safely! ❤️❤️❤️

This is long.

Over the last couple of nights I've gone through my old filing cabinet and done a pretty thorough purge. It was a bit of a rollercoaster revisiting some of those periods in my life. I had one drawer for financial paperwork and the other was holding personal documents like letters. I'm having feelings so guess what. Here I am. 😂😂😂

Back in 2002 I was 19 and Shadow was 2. I had moved away from home and me and Shadow lived with my MaMaw (maternal grandmother). It worked out for a while; I wasn't getting along with my mom and my PaPaw had passed away. I always loved and got along great with my MaMaw; in fact, I see a lot of her in myself (my face / body, my mannerisms, etc). Looking back I owe her so much credit for helping me get on my feet at such a young age. I had a dead-end factory job and she co-signed with me on my first car (and proudly, I made every payment myself). She provided a roof for me and my son after I was laid off from that factory job and decided to attend Gadsden Business College full time. I remember sitting in her living room doing homework while Shadow played and she watched TV in the recliner. I remember putting together puzzles with her and working in her puzzle books in my free time (both things I still like to do now).

I found some paperwork from that period of my life. Since I never received child support I was on food stamps, of course, and I was receiving TANF while I attended school (they paid me gas money for driving to school). I was also cleaning a relatives house on the side for cash under the table. That is the best I could do to make myself less of a burden on MaMaw. Unfortunately, MaMaw began showing signs of Alzheimer's and dementia and at first it wasn't so bad. But over time things got really scary. She would creep into mine and Shadow's shared bedroom at night and wake me up, gun in hand, and ask me sweetly who we were. She started to have violent outbursts of yelling and sometimes wanted to physically fight me. I remember attending my college class and (being the only student left in the Accounting Specialist program at the time), my professor, David Smith (who I would love to be in contact with again if anyone knows him) would be able to tell when I'd had a rough night with her. He not only taught me accounting, but helped me through a very hard time in life, as well.

As if that stress wasn't enough it was around this time that someone really had it out for me. DHR was called on me with some ridiculous accusations that I fed my child dog food and let him play naked in the road. The DHR worker who visited me found no evidence of that and nothing came of it, but I was shook. Somehow I finished school (with honors!) and landed an office job not long after. It was at this point (2004-ish; I was 21 and Shadow was 4) that I was able to move out of my hometown. I hated to leave MaMaw because I knew that she needed help, but I had informed her kids of what was going on and had to think of the safety of my own child first.

Shadow and I ended up in a government housing apartment complex, but a nice one. My rent was based on my income which was extremely helpful. I was still on food stamps, as well. With this help I was able to pay all of my other bills with the money I made from my job. I. was. HAPPY. Oh my gosh - the freedom of not living under anyone else's roof was amazing. Shadow and I didn't have a lot, but we didn't need much. We stayed there for about 2 years and I built up some credit. As my income increased so did my rent. There came a point where I thought "I could probably be buying a house for this much money per month..." and so I looked into that.

After some research I found a bank that would offer me a loan. I needed a $2000 down payment, which I did not have, but my brother (who was in the Army at the time) was able to loan that to me. So the house search began. I had a very low limit but there were several livable houses in my price range. Depending on the area, you could get more house for less money. I chose kind of in the middle of both - decent area, decent house (rather than great area, shit house). As a young single parent I did something I never thought I'd be able to do: In 2006 at the age of 24 years old I closed on my house. I was still on food stamps, but I was happy with my accomplishment of getting out of government housing. Shadow was happy, too. He loved the house. And there we stayed for 14 years.

Whether that was the smartest move I ever made, I'll never know. Not long after I moved in a storm came through and downed some tree-sized limbs onto my roof. Then the railroad tracks behind my house were removed and the machinery used filled in the drainage ditch. The next big storm after that happened flooded a good portion of my house. I spent a couple of years battling my county to dig the ditch back out as well as tracking down the company to sue for the damage to my house all the while part of my house and my yard flooded when it rained too hard, and large limbs kept falling until I had saved enough money to have my trees trimmed. I loved my house but there were some hard times trying to keep it in good repair.

Regardless, I was in general very happy having a house and a yard of our own. I did eventually get the ditch dug back out and a measly $3000 check for the damage to my house (honestly in Anniston, AL, no one gives a shit about you if you aren't a rich white man), so I took my crumbs of placation and moved forward the best I could. The room that had received the most flood damage turned out to have a concrete floor and I'd installed a doggie door leading to our fenced yard for our pets, so when I decided to explore other career paths by volunteering with the local shelters I figured it was no big deal to sacrifice that room to fostering dogs.

Shit in the floor? Easy to clean. Scratch up the walls? Who cares? I need to replace that paneling eventually, anyway. Make the odd choice to install a raised bathtub in that room so I can keep the dogs clean? Sure, why not. Turns out that I did not want to become a vet tech or veterinarian when I grew up, but I did really enjoy helping animals on my own terms and I did that from 2007 until 2015 when I started college. That was a very happy time in my life. My pack of dogs was so gracious to the newcomers and taught them how to be great housedogs. My pack showed them how to use the doggie door and that some people are good and that it's better if you poop outside. My gosh my dogs were wonderful and they deserved as much credit as I do, if not more, for all of the fosters who found homes through our house.

Eventually, the neighborhood started declining and the repairs on the house were adding up. At some point around 2013-2014, I began to realize (with Shaun's help) that my house might no longer be worth the effort. That hurt, but it was the truth. The nice house across the street was irreparably damaged. Sketchy people were starting to hang around it. People were starting to squat in the two other houses across the street. The neighbors right next to me were horrible. My absolute "I have to get us the fuck outta here" moment happened in 2017 when that neighbor next to me was revealed to be stealing my power and water and making / selling drugs. I was officially done.

Thankfully by then, I was two years into college and had the love and support of Shaun. There were a lot of changes in 2017. We got engaged. I graduated from Gadsden State. I left my job to attend JSU full-time per the terms of my scholarship. We got Kira. Since I was no longer working we no longer received food stamps. I used whatever leftover financial aid I had from school to pay for bills, taking odd jobs here and there to help depending on my class load, and Shaun paid for what I couldn't cover. He was invested in me in more ways than one and his belief that I could finish school and start a career fueled me to keep pushing even when I wanted to give up.

At the end of 2019 after much, MUCH consideration I decided to file bankruptcy to get out from under my house. I knew there was no way I could sell it for what I still owed on it and I damn sure didn't want to owe money on a place that I couldn't even live in. Since Shaun and I never combined finances it was a pretty straightforward process. I filed in November 2019 and stopped paying my mortgage, we moved the kids into an apartment in January 2020, and by March it was over with. No house, no debt (aside from a few student loans, of course).

Now here we are moving the kids into Shaun's house while Shaun and I move to his dads house. Though 2020 was its whole own thing, we (me, Shaun, and the kids) all hunkered down and tried our best. We lost Shaun's dad, but otherwise we stayed to ourselves and stayed safe, I finished school, we really didn't have a lot of fun and missed the hell out of a lot of people, but we're here in 2021 doing better than I ever thought possible and with the future looking bright.

I don't know. I have no idea how this post comes off, but after being reminded of how I started out and the comparison to how things are now I feel proud. And I feel relieved because I worked so hard for so long and after 20 years it feels like it's finally going to pay off. Whether buying my house was a good idea or not I'll never know. Had I stayed in the government-funded apartment my rent would have increased every time my pay did, AND I wouldn't have been able to have my pets or foster animals. I ended up feeling trapped in the house towards the end and had to take a drastic measure to get un-stuck, but it turned out that didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. In any case my house taught me a lot and allowed me to live a life I loved - for a while, at least. I don't consider it a mistake. I do feel that it was time to move on, though, and that now is the time to build something new with my partner / best friend / HUSBANG, and I think that whatever comes next is going to be great.

Life update: We're still in the process of moving.

It's been weeks but we are still at it. I'm tired. I wake up, have my tea and cuddle the cats, then get moving. By the time I sit down hours later I am EXHAUSTED.

I have *most* of my plants de-bugged, moved, and re-potted. The sun room is pretty complete save for a few details. We have one bathroom how we want it (again, but for the details) and the other is very close to being done. Living room is done-ish. As for the kitchen, we've only cleaned out the fridge and moved into the top cabinets. Haven't gone through some of the lower cabinets or any of the drawers. That's a whole chore. We haven't even given a thought to the kids' bedrooms because they're moving into our place first. We've more or less focused our attention on our bedroom. Yes, OUR bedroom.

This is the first time since I moved out on my own around 17 years ago that I haven't had my own bedroom. I don't know what to say except that I am territorial and I like my own space. I want a room to myself (I'm not saying that others are never welcome in there but they need to be invited to enter). Shaun has also been used to having his own space, as he grew up an only child and when we met in 2008 he had an apartment to himself. A couple of years later he bought a house and when I moved in with him (6 months after we got married in 2018) I moved into a separate bedroom. I mean I had a whole ass house before so I at least needed a room of my own. 😂😂😂 Maybe it's weird but it works for us.

So... sharing a bedroom is new for me. It's a pretty large room and a pretty large bed and I think that's why it is ok. I mean, it's not a perfect situation for us but we can live with it for now. I'm a pretty light sleeper and sometimes Shaun snores. I know that I snore sometimes, too, but he never seems bothered by it. He also likes to listen to music or audio books while falling asleep which will keep me up. The largest problem for me is that Shaun is a very animated sleeper. He has an active imagination and more than once has physically acted out some of his dreams meaning I need to sleep away from him to make sure I don't get hit or kicked or scratched or whatever. He also talks in his sleep. Thankfully, the size of the bed allows a good amount of space between us.

As for the audio incompatibilities he ordered a Bluetooth headband that is meant for sleeping that he listens to things with and that is working out ok (well, since he put a band-aid over the bright blue led that flashes all night). Not to mention he honestly really pulls the head-wrap look off quite well. 😉 My sleepy-time ear-plugs arrived in the mail today so I will be trying those to see if they'll block out his talking and / or snoring. Hopefully they'll help, but truly sleeping in the room with him hasn't been too bad so far.

We usually fall asleep holding hands from across the bed. It's nice seeing how the shadows accentuate his muscles because he has always been really good-looking to me, but damn. I like waking up in the morning and seeing his face. I don't know if that feeling is mutual but I do know that at the very least I am entertaining to look at first thing because my hair is about 4 inches long all over and just doing whatever it wants, so there's that. 😂😂😂 We are nothing if not silly together so it's all good. It is an adjustment, but it's going pretty well. We're not grumpy or at each others throats or anything like that about it.

I don't have much else to report. We had several cats that threw up for like, 2 days and then stopped (oddly, Tobi who gets shots for barfing was not one of them). We have no idea what they got into but it was an awful couple of days for us all. I'm really glad to see everyone feeling better. Teyla (bearded dragon) has been wanting to spend time with us so we've been letting her. The cats find her interesting but mostly leave her alone. She just likes to come out and explore and maybe pause in a puddle of sun. It's adorable. Other than that - business as usual. Moving things, fixing up things, going through things... We're really going to need to have a garage sale or something when the weather and the virus are both better.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well. I really am, and I'm happy and grateful to be able to say that. I just can't wait for us to be settled finally so I can get on with getting my certification and pursuing the job I want. Maybe another week or two of steady effort and we'll be all good. We'll see! 🤎