Last night I did some research (with AI)...

Last night I did some research (with AI) on PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy/Pervasive Demand for Autonomy) as it relates to Autism and I'm pretty sure I have that.  I spent most of my 20s/30s proclaiming "I do what I want!" in response to many things.  😆  If you knew me then or were an online friend, then you probably heard that or saw it written at some point.

I know that sounds silly, but that is also not the only reason I identify with that profile.  I read that the call could also be coming from inside the house, and that the best way to change that (even for tasks you WANT to do), is to change the language surrounding it.

I had previously mentioned that I have an ever-growing To-Do list (including things I want to do so that I don't have to hold them in my brain), so my most recent strategy was to put some of the tasks on my calendar to do on certain days to see if I could motivate myself that way.  Big shock:  I could not.  I did a few things at first (as usual), then got tired of having tasks blowing up my phone and started ignoring them.  Then I started feeling "behind", of course.  It became stressful.

SO... last night I was thinking of my list.  And I tried following the advice of changing the language around my tasks.  Instead of "I NEED to repot my plants" I changed it to "I CHOOSE to repot my plants."  Instead of "I SHOULD add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app", I thought "I WANT to add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app."  And it's crazy because I DO want to do those things, but by thinking of them as "needs" or "shoulds", it makes the task heavier and harder to start.  It becomes a demand, and I avoid it - even though it's a thing I placed solely on myself.

I can't say that the shift in thinking directly caused this, but I woke up earlier than I usually do, and I felt MUCH lighter.  I didn't actually even DO anything.  I was just thinking about my list before bed.  Nothing got checked off; I just changed how I thought about it, and it felt nicer somehow.  So there is that.

I am also trying to learn not to use cortisol/adrenaline to get myself to start tasks (like by procrastinating and doing things at the last minute).  It creates a shame cycle and it's an unhealthy way to cope that I am hoping to stop.  I am not a lazy person.  I love to do things.  I love to learn and to feel accomplished and feel peaceful in my space (because I cleaned it or whatever).  But I get stuck often and that could be related to low dopamine, which tracks because I usually start dopamine-seeking when I'm stuck by scrolling the Internet or shopping online - which are not healthy coping mechanisms, either.

I have been starting my days by having tea in the greenhouse - to kind of pre-load some dopamine in a healthy way while simultaneously getting some sunshine in my eyeballs.  I haven't been able to stick to it every day, but I will keep trying.  I notice that I do feel more peaceful on the days I do it.

So there is that.  I don't know if any of this information could be useful to anyone else, but if you feel like you're terrible at sticking to things and procrastinate often and avoid even tasks you'd like to do, then maybe try being a little nicer to yourself and also reframe your thinking a bit.  Couldn't hurt to try!