I hate that every time I think I know what I am going to do...

I hate that every time I think I know what I am going to do something comes up to make me think that maybe I'm making the wrong decision.

So, this weekend I have been MOSTLY pain-free.  It's been really nice.  Since I failed hard at giving myself the methotrexate injection and I've been taking the doubled-dose of pills for a few weeks now I can only assume that I feel ok because of the pills.  The pills that my doctor says are ineffective and wants to take me off of.  🙁

I skipped my dose on Friday with full intentions of getting on a different medication this week, but I'm wondering if that was a bad idea now.  I still have a cough and the water-lung feeling that might cause my doctor to take me off methotrexate regardless, and now I am also getting another known side effect of methotrexate, too.  Mouth ulcers.  Ouch.  🙁

I guess I just have to call the doctor tomorrow and tell them that I feel ok, but I'm having these side effects and let them decide if I should stay the course or switch.  Either way, I think it's pretty clear that I am affected by the pills so an injection is not necessary at this time.

P. S.  I know that I was a huge weenie over that shot, but I think a weekly shot is gonna be the straw that breaks this camel's back.  I've got a lot on me already without this health crap.  I've had a hard enough time accepting that pills are going to be a part of my life now, and I'm just not ready to accept shots all the time.  It's a little bit too far for me right now.  I'm not ready and it's fine.  There are other options out there, so I'm not gonna freak out over that right now.  I will freak out over it when I have no other options.  LOL

Jeggings acquired.

Jeggings acquired.  They are comfy and feel more like pants than just leggings, for sure, but I feel like I'm showing off my ass.  Since I tend to be more modest and not a super fan of people looking at my body, that feels weird.  I feel like I need an ass jacket.  LOL  Quick!  Someone invent that for me.

I also got my hair cut today.  It was pretty much down to my waist.  I don't think it's been that long since I was knocked up with Shadow.  In any case it was only that long because I was too broke / busy / tired / uninspired / whatever to have it cut sooner.  I'd say I would post a photo, but it's not likely to happen.  So, sorry, internet.  Find me IRL.  (But not really.)

I hit a point recently where between the pain of PSA and being too busy for nail art AND my hair getting out of control I wasn't feeling like myself at all.  I needed a change - desperately.  Here is a video of the cut my hair is based off of.  It's a bit longer than I wanted still, but I can pull it up into the cutest pigtails or mini-buns, and so that's ok.  It'll work for summer.  But I gotta say... when she had those clippers going, it was all I could do to not tell her to just keep going.  Bald is my happy place.

I am wearing leggings.

I am wearing leggings.  I think this is the first time in my life I've done that.

They are pretty comfy, but I feel naked.  I don't think I could leave the house this way.

I don't know if it was from the stress of last night or what...

I don't know if it was from the stress of last night or what, but I woke up today feeling like complete and utter crap.  Like, bad.  My head hurt, I was nauseated, and my lungs felt (and still feel) like they are full of water.  I'm coughing (have been for a couple of weeks, but not bad) and it's just not great.  Boo.

So I thought the cough might be from pollen or whatever and I never really thought much about it until my lungs started feeling weird, but methotrexate can jack up your lungs.  That was listed as one of those "If this happens to you - stop the medication" kind of side effects.  I haven't spoken with my doctor today, but I think I'm skipping my meth pills tonight.  I have zero intentions of trying the shot again and they don't think the pills are effective, anyway, so I think I'm just done with that medication.

The rheumy's nurse offered to prescribe Otezla for me last week and I dismissed it because my insurance basically said that they would fight it.  But, I have changed my mind and I'm gonna go for it.  I called the Otezla people today and I did qualify for their assistance with paying for the prescription so I just need to call Dr. Crawford's office on Monday and tell them I'm ready.  I think they'll give me a sample pack or two to get started with and hopefully they are aware of the battle that lies ahead.  The Otezla company also said that they could help me get approved.  I hope they are right.

So... that is my current plan.  I wish I could settle on something and stick with it, but dang.  I feel like nothing is working out lately.  I hate it when things go like that.  😕

Enjoy this very attractive photo...

Enjoy this very attractive photo of my pasty, jiggly, bruised white thigh. This is the aftermath of my attempt to inject myself with methotrexate. Never again. That's a big, fat "Nope."

So... 45 minutes of Shaun listening to me...

So... 45 minutes of Shaun listening to me curse and whine, building me up, bribing me, drawing a circle on my leg so I would know where to aim, videoing all of my bullshit so I wouldn't be a weenie (which did not work)... and I failed.

I psyched myself up, pressed down, pushed the button, and... it made a noise, I jumped, and medicine went everywhere.  NOWHERE in that stupid video was there a noise.  It looked like it would go slowly and quietly into me, squirt out the medicine, and that's it.  That is not what happened.

It did break skin.  I have no idea how much, if any, of the medicine made it inside me.  Now my freaking leg hurts - and probably for no reason.  Screw this shit.  I am pissed and tired and have zero intentions of doing that again.

Shaun says he's proud because I did it.  He's still getting me nail polish.  He wants me to try again with another one, but at this moment I don't think that will happen.  Maybe I will hate everything less in the morning, but I doubt it.  🙁

Later, friends.  I'm gonna go and be angry until I fall asleep.  ❤

I am going to THROW UP.

I am going to THROW UP.

Shaun is bribing me to stab myself with Waffle House and Nail Polish.  And it's kind of working.  But I am still scared.  😳