I didn't even know I did this, but...

I didn't even know I did this, but I was talking to Shaun about a convo in the group chat and I said "I laugh-reacted at something I knew was a joke, but I didn't get it."

I've never said that sentence before in my life. He's like "You've definitely done that in real life before. I've had to explain the jokes to you afterwards."

I was so unaware! I feel like receiving the Autism diagnosis is allowing me to see masks I didn't even know that I had.

Thankfully, my friends will explain it and lightly roast me and it'll be fine. 😂😂😂

A lovely way to wake up!

A lovely way to wake up!

Foam so dense my spoon stands up.

Foam so dense my spoon stands up.

Black tea with Coconut. 😊

I'm tired!

I'm tired!

I slept late again, guilt-free.  It's crazy how much a mindset shift can change things.  Instead of sleeping or napping or doing nothing stressfully (and gaining very little rest or recovery in the process), removing the "should" and being gentler with myself has been a game changer.  I am finally starting to feel some semblance of peace within myself.

Today was a designated "no obligations" day for me.  I ended up repotting a few plants because I wanted to, not because I should.  I did more than I thought I would, and I stopped when I got tired - not pushing through to some arbitrary goal I made up.  There is more to do, but nothing is urgent.  They're ok.

I also did some of my wireframe homework.  I stopped when I got tired of that, too.  The only other thing I'm going to do now is my Duolingo while I wait for Shadow to get off work and bring home milk (because I like to have some milk with creamer before bed).

Today, while I was in my "flow state" repotting, Shaun hit me with another "Why?" question, which is like taking my laser focus and snatching it sideways.  I didn't get upset or anything - he is allowed to ask me questions.  But I told him that I wasn't going to think about it right now and to email it to me if he really wanted an answer.  I protected my attention and my flow, made an accommodation for myself, and did it without being rude (unlike the Waffle "Why?" from a while back).  😬

The ONLY differences between the Waffle Why and this Why was that I understood what was happening within myself instead of having a bad feeling that I couldn't name, AND the fact that I have ACTUALLY been resting rather than "stress resting" and had the energy to articulate that I wasn't going to think about it now and to formulate the accommodation.

I feel like that was a win.  He is a curious person and I like that about him, but I REALLY hate transitions/distractions when I'm doing things, so the solution removed the immediate demand while still allowing him to ask.  I did answer him after I was done repotting - he didn't even have a chance to email me.  😆  But it's nice to have a plan in place because this WILL come up again.

Also, email specifically vs. a text or message:  Texts and messages feel like they require an immediate response, which if I could give, I would have done verbally in the moment.  Email is not urgent, and I can open and answer it at my convenience without it getting lost.  It will be waiting in my inbox for me to be ready.

Anyway.  I hope you all are doing well.  I'm getting better, slowly, but surely.  I finally heard back from my therapist and she doesn't do the kind of therapy I need, so she is going to refer me to someone.  But things are progressing, and that's really all I can ask.

Last night I did some research (with AI)...

Last night I did some research (with AI) on PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy/Pervasive Demand for Autonomy) as it relates to Autism and I'm pretty sure I have that.  I spent most of my 20s/30s proclaiming "I do what I want!" in response to many things.  😆  If you knew me then or were an online friend, then you probably heard that or saw it written at some point.

I know that sounds silly, but that is also not the only reason I identify with that profile.  I read that the call could also be coming from inside the house, and that the best way to change that (even for tasks you WANT to do), is to change the language surrounding it.

I had previously mentioned that I have an ever-growing To-Do list (including things I want to do so that I don't have to hold them in my brain), so my most recent strategy was to put some of the tasks on my calendar to do on certain days to see if I could motivate myself that way.  Big shock:  I could not.  I did a few things at first (as usual), then got tired of having tasks blowing up my phone and started ignoring them.  Then I started feeling "behind", of course.  It became stressful.

SO... last night I was thinking of my list.  And I tried following the advice of changing the language around my tasks.  Instead of "I NEED to repot my plants" I changed it to "I CHOOSE to repot my plants."  Instead of "I SHOULD add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app", I thought "I WANT to add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app."  And it's crazy because I DO want to do those things, but by thinking of them as "needs" or "shoulds", it makes the task heavier and harder to start.  It becomes a demand, and I avoid it - even though it's a thing I placed solely on myself.

I can't say that the shift in thinking directly caused this, but I woke up earlier than I usually do, and I felt MUCH lighter.  I didn't actually even DO anything.  I was just thinking about my list before bed.  Nothing got checked off; I just changed how I thought about it, and it felt nicer somehow.  So there is that.

I am also trying to learn not to use cortisol/adrenaline to get myself to start tasks (like by procrastinating and doing things at the last minute).  It creates a shame cycle and it's an unhealthy way to cope that I am hoping to stop.  I am not a lazy person.  I love to do things.  I love to learn and to feel accomplished and feel peaceful in my space (because I cleaned it or whatever).  But I get stuck often and that could be related to low dopamine, which tracks because I usually start dopamine-seeking when I'm stuck by scrolling the Internet or shopping online - which are not healthy coping mechanisms, either.

I have been starting my days by having tea in the greenhouse - to kind of pre-load some dopamine in a healthy way while simultaneously getting some sunshine in my eyeballs.  I haven't been able to stick to it every day, but I will keep trying.  I notice that I do feel more peaceful on the days I do it.

So there is that.  I don't know if any of this information could be useful to anyone else, but if you feel like you're terrible at sticking to things and procrastinate often and avoid even tasks you'd like to do, then maybe try being a little nicer to yourself and also reframe your thinking a bit.  Couldn't hurt to try!

I see a lot of people speaking out against AI, but...

I see a lot of people speaking out against AI, but I have been using it since my Autism assessment.  I wanted to understand how I feel and why, and the physical ways it's been manifesting.

I have been reading about Autism for years, trying to understand how/if I fit into the category of Autistic.  It all felt very unclear.  Getting the official diagnosis made me feel very validated and hopeful that my future could be less hard than my past, but I had a lot of questions and no immediate outlet for them.

A lot of you will say this is stupid, but I gave AI the completed assessment from my doctor.  I asked it to explain some things to me.  I asked about how specific past situations in my life might fit with that assessment.  Why did a thing go the way it did?  Why did I feel this way after the things that happened on X day?  Why don't the suggestions from other people ever work for me?

It has brought me a lot of clarity and understanding.  I now know what a dopamine crash is, as well as how to prevent it.  I now know that due to my scores on certain parts of the assessment, that I am highly rigid and also probably struggle with PDA as well as Executive Dysfunction.  I now know that "going for walks when switching contexts" doesn't work for me because it's not that simple - it's choosing clothes, putting on sunscreen, choosing where to go, then dealing with more input in a different environment; basically, it's MORE WORK TO DO.

AI has recommended that I nap for 20-30 minutes between tasks and honestly, even if I don't sleep - just laying under my weighted blanket and relaxing and not being perceived helps SO MUCH.  Specifically, going to my bedroom to rest is what works.  Couch naps are "junk rest" and do leave me feeling more crappy, so I'm done taking them.

I'm not saying that I am using AI in place of therapy - I'm not.  The minute I got my results, I emailed my therapist to see if she could provide the type of therapy that I need (and I'm waiting to hear back).  But this has been very eye-opening and helpful while I wait.  I have to learn to manage this sooner rather than later.  I am not ok.  I go through cycles of being ok, but then I crash, and I have to stop that because as I age it is taking more and more time to recover.  I literally can't live like this anymore now that I know without doubt that I'm built different and that there are better ways for me to exist.

Again, I don't think that my usage of AI is frivolous.  I know very well that it can be telling me what I want to hear.  But I am also a very skeptical person and if it says something that doesn't make sense, I challenge it and / or do other research.

I don't know.  It just feels nice to have a direction for now, and the tips it's been giving have been very helpful so far.  I will eventually learn to manage myself on my own, but for now I'm using every tool available to me.  Even AI.

Well. There we go.

Well. There we go.

ADHD wasn't confirmed, but it's harder for women to get diagnosed with that, anyway.

This doesn't feel life-changing or anything. It just feels like it explains a bunch of things that were never in my control. I feel pretty relieved, actually.