I'm feeling really hopeful...

I'm feeling really hopeful that my lack of motivation and being nonstop tired are just me badly dealing with being overwhelmed and not signs that I'm falling back into a depression hole.  I'm still taking my medication as prescribed.  Hopefully, I'll be able to tell after this week.  There is entirely too much on my plate for me to know how I feel right now.  😕

Despite how warm it is...

Despite how warm it is I slept under my weighted blanket last night. I folded it over so it was doubled on top of me. Even though I felt tense when I went to bed that's the best I've slept in weeks. No nightmares or anything.

After waking up nauseated and with a stress migraine brewing...

After waking up nauseated and with a stress migraine brewing (and accomplishing very little today because of that) I have decided that whether it's offered or not in the spring (I thought it was for sure but recently found out it might not be), I'm dropping Abstract Algebra.  For the sake of my physical / mental health, my other 3 classes, and my family, it has to happen.

I feel like a failure in a way, but it's honestly the best decision I can make right now.  If it's offered in the Spring I'll take it and still graduate on time.  If it's not, maybe a professor will let me do an independent study.  And if not, worst case:  I'll have all of my CS classes complete, so I find a computer science job and wait until Abstract is offered again to graduate.

That's really ok.  Now to make my brain / body believe that.  😂😂😂😭😭😭

I legit feel so accomplished right now.

I legit feel so accomplished right now. I'm not known for being fast, but I just caught a fly with my hand! Then I took him outside to be free. 😊

I was going to bed and I was like "Ugh, I don't want him to keep me awake." so I reached out and grabbed him. I'm a freaking superhero.

Shaved part of my head and few weeks ago.

I haven't slept much in 2 days.

I haven't slept much in 2 days.  That is not like me and it's messing me up.  My brain is too goofy to do any work and that is super bad.

Also, someone peed on the couch.  That is not like my dogs and I'm wondering if my little Booty Bear had another seizure when I wasn't home.  🙁

I took a break from thinking about school this weekend.

I took a break from thinking about school this weekend. The concert was Saturday, and then I basically spent all day today chilling and napping. I'm about to jump back into some school work, but I feel refreshed. I needed the time off.

Us grabbing some late-night dinner at IHOP...

Us grabbing some late-night dinner at IHOP after Kira's first concert last night. We took her to see Marina in Atlanta. Look how adorable she is. She had just woken up from crashing out in the car. 😍

She looked really happy when Marina came on stage and played some of her favorite songs. She got to meet the lead singer from the opening band, too. I think the noise was more than she anticipated, and the rudeness of other concert-goers plus having to stand for hours put a damper on her night, but hopefully it was mostly good. It was definitely a night to remember!

Was looking at my plants...

Was looking at my plants. I miss them. There is no time. 😩

I put my roses in less light so they would think it's time to wake up. I think it's working!

I put this one under brighter lights and the new growth looks pink! I love it!

My wrinkly beans are starting to plump, finally. Yes, even the big shriveled one. 😂

My Nova McCoy bloomed again! ❤️

Pretty. 😍

I bought this from Leaf and Clay and it all looked the pale color of the outer leaves with the edges turned down. The new growth in the middle tells me she's glowing up!

FML.

Can someone help me?

Can someone help me? I got lost doing a lab. The instructor used "vi" and I followed suit, then got stuck, then he told us to use "nano" instead in the commands but I never caught up. Also, the instructions on the left aren't clear to me, but I think I'm only supposed to type the stuff in the purple and green boxes. However, I can't "exit" this window. I feel really really dumb right now. 😢

I wasted so many hours today on recovering from a migraine...

I wasted so many hours today on recovering from a migraine; hours that I should have been working on my 10-page paper.  ☹️  Stress got to me and now I'm even more behind.  😭

I woke up at 6:30 with a tension headache brewing.  Thought food, a Tylenol / Ibuprofen combo, and time with my favorite girl would take care of it.  I asked Kira to breakfast since I haven't seen her much this week due to the volume of homework I've had.  Got to Panera and the smell of food made me barf.  Nibbled my breakfast sandwich after that.  Couldn't even.  Then we went home and I went to bed.

I finally felt ok enough to get up about 30 minutes ago.  Just finished my breakfast sandwich and I guess I need to hustle up on my paper.  I'm really sad because I slept through Abstract Algebra and I desperately did NOT need to miss that class.  It's the one I'm doing the worst in.

Anyway, I'm off.  I hope I can finish the draft of my paper by this time tomorrow (when it's due).  If not, I'm going to have messed up in Seminar, as well.  I will be so glad when I'm done with school.  I'm so tired of the stress and the nightmares.  It's rough on me and my body.  😔

Dang.

Dang. Despite being in long sleeves, long pants, and wearing sunblock, I got too much sun walking to class. I feel drained and have chills. I think I'm legit gonna have to carry an umbrella for shade. 😟

I'm procrastinating doing my paper.

I'm procrastinating doing my paper.  But I'm going to tell you something fun about math, so... I mean, I'm kinda doing mathy-stuff, ok?

So if you have a fraction in lowest terms, (like 1/8 instead of 2/16)

with a denominator (bottom number) that is a prime factorization of 2 or 5 or any combination of 2 and 5,

(the prime factors of 8 are 2 x 2 x 2 which is 2 cubed or 2^3)

then you automatically know that when the fraction is turned into a decimal that it will terminate (not repeat or go on forever).

You also know how many places after the decimal it will end because it will be the higher power or 2 or 5.

In the case of 1/8, we only have 2 with a power of 3 and the decimal terminates after 3 places at 0.125.

How cool is that?!  😲😲😲

There is more, but I'll save it for another day if anyone even cares about this.  😆

If you're up for it test this out by making fractions with denominators from multiples of 2 or 5 or any combination of 2 and 5 and see if you can come up with one that doesn't work.  😁  Don't forget that the fraction has to be reduced to lowest terms!

I have a helper...

I have a helper while working on my 10 - page math paper. Bastian feels the same way I do: Blegh! 😝😳

I spent 12 hours doing math homework yesterday.

I spent 12 hours doing math homework yesterday.  I've done a ton of organizing and reading for my 10-page paper that I have to have a draft ready for on Thursday.  I'm about to finish the math I started yesterday and call it a night.  I am so tired.

I keep having dreams about getting my degrees.  I'm so scared of failing and / or taking longer in school because my family is depending on me and getting a job would change so much for us.  I'm so close and yet at times when I'm struggling with my work and my grades, it feels so far away.  But May is only 8 months away, so that really isn't long.

I was talking to Shaun today and he said that my growth has been amazing.  I feel it.  No matter what happens I know that college has changed me for the better.  My Math professor said that if you can do math, you can do anything and I feel that, too.  I feel like understanding math opens up everything.  I see it everywhere.  It's so beautiful.

Regardless of what happens I am so grateful that I've been able to go on this college journey.  It would not have been possible without Shaun and without friends and family supporting me.  I just hope I don't let myself and everyone else down.  I don't think I'll believe I can do this until I've graduated and done it.

Anyway.  Goodnight, friends.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤

Apparently the calculator that's built in to my phone is amazing.

Apparently the calculator that's built in to my phone is amazing. This is a repeating decimal and I've scrolled past 10,000 decimal places. 😳 Too bad I can't use it for exams. 😂😂😂

I know it's early to be worrying about failure, but...

I know it's early to be worrying about failure, but I have to be prepared. I just spoke to my professor about my bad grades in Abstract Algebra and he said that I'm not the only one who is struggling. He also said he's up for going over our homework for us before we turn it in, so believe me when I say I'm about to take advantage of that! Worst case, they offer Abstract again in the spring and I have space in my schedule to retake it if I need to without delaying graduation. Phew! I won't even be mad if I have to take it twice. Writing mathematical proofs is hard! 😩

To anyone I've left on read lately...

Happy 2 years to us!

It's the eve of our two year anniversary with Kira...

It's the eve of our two year anniversary with Kira and I have things to say.  By and large I have kept my damn mouth shut to keep the peace, but she's 19 now and the fear that she could be forced by the courts or relatives to leave us is no longer a threat.  So, I'm getting some shit off my chest.

1)  Being related to someone does not mean that you are owed a relationship or communication with them.  What it means is that you share DNA.  If you want a relationship with a person - be it a relative or anyone else - you first need to love and accept them.  If you can't do anything but criticize someone's life, looks, choice of living situation / partner, etc, then why would they want to spend time with you?  That sure as hell doesn't sound fun to me.

2)  I consider it a pretty big fuck up when you have your children taken away - be it by their other relatives or DHR or whatever.  To lose most or all of them permanently indicates a problem to me.  In any case I do believe that relationships can be repaired, but it takes honesty and open communication.  When you have been the one in the wrong you don't get to dictate how or even IF the relationship progresses.  First and foremost if the person you have wronged is agreeable to having a relationship with you, their boundaries must be respected or it's going to end before it began every. single. time.

3)  I will tell you loud and proud that I am Kira's mom.  I am not her birth mother, but Shaun and I have raised her and loved her as our own for two years now.  We are family.

We've gotten her braces, glasses, dental care, physical, and mental healthcare, basic living necessities like clothes and shoes that fit, a laptop which is pretty much necessary for school these days, etc.  We helped her get her permit and her license and a car.  We have loved her every minute and helped her though some pretty traumatic shit.  She is OURS and we will protect her and advocate for her well-being with everything we've got.  Her relatives can't say the same.

We spend time with her and encourage her and are interested in the things she's interested in.  We spend a lot of time just chilling and and enjoying being together.  There's no drama and no fighting or shouting.  It's all love and laughter with us.  The kids know that they are respected as young adults and can have opinions that differ from ours.  Things are not perfect, but Kira and Shadow have seen me and Shaun work our asses off to take care of them and work towards better things.  Kira's relatives cannot say the same.

So it's no wonder to me that when she's upset or uncomfortable, she turns to one of us. It makes sense to me that she wants us around even when she's with her relatives because she knows we always have her back no matter what.  We've never been mean or rude to any of her relatives and we are open to communication and a relationship.  This post might change the way many of them view us, but I doubt it.  Most of them have made it a point to talk negatively about us to Kira, claiming that we've brainwashed her every time she tries to stand up for herself or enforce a boundary she set.

All I can really say at this point is that Kira is the most beautiful, sweet, special girl I know and I'm sick of people stressing her out.  She's over the drama, she's not playing games, and she speaks for herself.  She's blossoming into a strong independent young woman and we could not be more proud.  I honestly think Kira's cousins are cool, but there are a hand-full of adults that need to get right, 'cause otherwise they are gonna miss out and there's gonna be no one but themselves to blame.

Today was ALMOST bad.

Today was ALMOST bad.

Tldr:  Shaun saved the day and I didn't get a migraine.

I woke up too late to go to the Student Health Center - again. I called to see if I could make an appointment for this afternoon, but they were booked up. Tomorrow afternoon wouldn't work for me because I have classes during their appointment hours. Since I don't have class until late tomorrow I'm hoping I can make it to be seen as a walk-in in the morning. That depends entirely on how much sleep I get, though. I'm not feeling terrible health-wise, but I do still think something is going on.

I woke up with a tension headache today. I immediately took medication in an attempt to keep it from triggering a migraine. I went to class and then afterwards rolled up in a ball on a secluded chair in the hallway. After sitting with myself to see if I was going to get better or worse, I called Shaun. Thankfully, he'd just gotten off work so I asked him to meet me at Baja. We ate and I felt a little better. Then he went with me to the library to find some books to use for my homework tonight. Then we came home and I napped for a bit.

I feel better than I have all day, although not great still. I'm about to do my homework assignment that's due tomorrow and then I'm calling it a night.

I'm going to have to make an effort to exercise again to combat this tension. I should be exercising anyway, but bad headaches are definitely a good motivator. I can logic myself out of a mental meltdown due to stress (like I did in last night's post), but I don't know how to tell my body it's ok. If anyone has ideas on that, let me know!

I've been freaking out...

I've been freaking out about failing my math classes because I haven't gotten good marks on either of the homework assignments that I turned in. Then it dawned on me that even if I failed the math classes I would still have my Computer Science major and could delay graduation until I passed the maths I need to finish that major, too. I could probably still get a job and handle one class at a time to finish. I really need to calm the hell down. I don't know why I do this to myself. I don't know when it's going to sink in that I'm ok. 😕

I took a "me" day and spent time watering my plants.

I took a "me" day and spent time watering my plants. I have homework due every day this week, so I'm about to get started. I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I also didn't feel bad today. I will go tomorrow before class since it will be convenient and free. Here are some pretty blooms. 😍

I just cut Faith's toes off...