Saw Dr. Edmond.

Saw Dr. Edmond. I feel better. Not physically (yet), but in my brain, at least.

Dr. Edmond is referring me to Dr. Crawford, a rheumatologist. I didn't even have to ask him. For now since it might take a while to get in we are doubling my dose of methotrexate. Today is my regular dose, and I need to take another dose this week. I think it's going to suck having to take that in the middle of the week because it makes me tired still, but thankfully, it doesn't put me out for as long as it used to.

He said he was going to call Dr. Crawford himself to see if she could see me sooner so that was super nice. He also wanted to give me steroids to get my joint pain and skin under control, but I didn't do that. As long as I have a plan I feel ok. I really hated the rebound after the first steroids I took, too, so I'm happy to avoid that.

On the general body ache he thinks it's lactic acid building up. I am supposed to drink a lot more water to help with that. I don't even think I can hold as much water as he recommended, but I will try.

Heading to work now. I'll be back on here later. ❤

I'm sad and complain-y. I'm sorry.

I'm sad and complain-y.  I'm sorry.

I didn't get as much sleep as I needed last night.  I think I was feeling a bit nervous about starting class today.  New teacher, new campus, new class.  It was good, though.  My teacher is totally weird - which I like.  My class is small so that's neat.  I was super worried the class was going to be canceled due to low enrollment, but the teacher thinks it will not be.  So I think my major concern at the moment is the course material.

My teacher mentioned that some of the stories we will read (I'm taking English 102) are brutal.  I am not sure that will be great for my emotional well-being... I think most of you are aware that I avoid scary and sad media as much as possible because I am easily disturbed and distraught.  But I have to take the class regardless - whether it's with him or another teacher.  I've already rented my book and the Pell Grant has already paid for the class so I'm going to try very hard to just get through it.  Please sincerely wish me luck.

Other than that I am not really doing so great.  My upped dosage of methotrexate doesn't seem to be helping at all.  My skin is itchy and red and inflamed, and my joints are about as bad as they were in the winter.  I tried standing some at the last Farmer's Market and found that my knees can't take that for very long.  ON TOP OF ALL THAT I ache as though I have the flu.  I have been for several weeks, but it's getting worse by the day.

I came home after class instead of going straight to work because my power was out when I got up so I didn't feed everyone and all that.  It was back on after class, thank goodness.  I called Shaun - who thankfully hadn't gone to work yet - so I asked to ride with him.  I went ahead and got everyone fed and settled in, then off I went.  I can't even say how thankful I was to not have to drive today.  With my general body aches and my knees and hips and back hurting, driving doesn't feel very nice.  🙁

I swear I don't know what is happening to me, but whatever it is it's draining my life force.  There is not a single point during my school / work day where I am not hurting.  No chair or position is comfortable.  I'm happiest in my couch recliner at home... that takes the pressure off of my knees, but I still have the flu-like ache.  I have new nail pics to post, some cute tort photos, stuff to say about my new IUD, etc, but I just can't even find the motivation to do more than I have to lately.  It's really amazing that I even bothered to take a few minutes and write this down.

I have an appointment with Dr. Edmond tomorrow morning.  I will ask him again about seeing a specialist.  If he wants to up my dosage of methotrexate again I guess I'd let him because I'm not at a high dose.  I will probably also ask him about taking x-rays because no one has done that to me yet.  I also need to know what is causing my body ache because as far as I know arthritis doesn't do that.  I am kind of starting to worry that something else is wrong with me.  🙁

As of now I have a lot of questions and no answers, and I feel like I'm losing my ability to be a functional person.  It's really bumming me out and I hate it.  If I haven't been talking to you all - that's why.  I am putting all of my focus into taking care of things here.  I have very little extra life force left for Facebook these days.  I am sorry for my neglect and I love you.

Yesterday I did pretty much nothing all day and it was amazing.

Yesterday I did pretty much nothing all day and it was amazing.  Shadow is with a friend so I hung out with Shaun and had a very nice time.  Food, Netflix, naps... I just needed that so much.

Since I napped off and on I wasn't really tired until like, ridiculously late this morning.  😂  I eventually did some cleaning before I went to bed - which ending up happening at 5 a.m.  Dad woke me up at 8.  He fixed my car so now I have working brakes again.  YAY for that!

Now everyone is fed, the house looks ok, and I even washed Booka.  I am super drowsy from only sleeping a whopping 3 hours so maybe I will nap some more.  I had planned to photograph some jewelry, but I don't feel like it.  My nails need doing again, but I don't feel like it.  I have some projects around the house that could use my attention, but I don't feel like dealing with that, either.  😂

I think I'm gonna rest up and then see if I have more motivation.  After months of going hard with school and work this whole "relaxation" thing feels foreign, but necessary.  I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts!  Back to work tomorrow and my next classes start Thursday.  English 102 and Math 100!  Making some progress!  😃

Happy Tears! It's Piggy! Look how big she is! ❤❤❤

Happy Tears!  It's Piggy!  Look how big she is!  ❤❤❤

Humans are evil giants. But we don't have to be.

Just saw my first Firefly of the season and momentarily felt happy. Then I thought of the wasp (who's been on my mind off and on all day) and about how many people were going to teach their children to dismember the Lightning Bugs for entertainment. Now I feel even more sad.

Why can't humans enjoy / appreciate nature without destroying it? Pick the beautiful flowers so they die. Disembowel our coolest bug and play with his glowy guts. Tie up our sweetest beetle by the leg and watch him try to get away until his leg breaks off. These things are sick and twisted and everyone should really think about that - not to mention the message they are sending their children when they teach them this shit.

Humans are evil giants. But we don't have to be.

This old asshole...

TRIGGER WARNING:  Animal Abuse
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This old asshole farmer just tortured a wasp in front of me. He pulled his stinger out and then said "Look at my pet." 🙁 I told him that wasn't nice so he pulled its head off. I guess that was a quick death, at least. But my heart hurts and I'm sad.

This is a great example of why I hate people.

Got home from work today and CRASHED OUT.

Got home from work today and CRASHED OUT.  Slept for a few hours and now I'm finally getting sleepy again.  Heading to bed again since I have to be up early.  My car is still broken so Shaun will be driving me tomorrow.  I'll be glad to have his company at the market, though, so I'm not complaining.  I'm pretty sure an old lady tried to steal from me last time so I would feel better having another set of eyes with me.

The weather looks nice, but I think I will be cold.  My knees and hips are still very painful so I'll be in snow pants to try to keep my joints warm.  I don't think my upped dosage of Methotrexate is doing the job.  I am planning see Dr. Edmond this coming week.  I have to get my blood tested and see if we can either up my dosage again or look into something else.

My elbows and wrists are starting to hurt when I'm cold so there is almost no joint in my body that feels completely unaffected at this point.  I have the gait of a much older person and I notice that I can't always trust my hands to hold things.  I don't know what is happening, but I feel like I am falling apart.  I feel like the more I try to combat this with medication the harder it fights to take me down.  I absolutely hate that I am scared to feel what I would feel like with no medication at all.

Speaking of arthritis I have to get Nappy to the vet next weekend.  She's been on joint supplements, but they don't seem to be doing much.  If she feels anything like I feel (and I imagine that she probably feels worse - which makes me super sad) then that is NOT ok.  Thankfully, she doesn't have to go to work or do anything she doesn't feel like, but it still makes me feel bad.  This sucks.

P. S.  Is it normal to receive a diagnosis of arthritis without x-rays being taken?  None of the 3 doctors I have seen have bothered to look at my bones.  Dr. Edmond grinds my knees together when he checks me (which I hate with a flaming passion), but is that an accurate way to tell what is wrong with me?