Shaun helped me take care of the animals, but...

Shaun helped me take care of the animals, but other than that I haven't done a single thing today besides sit here like a lump.  I'm not upset about it, though, so I guess that's something.

I hate days that start like this.

I hate days that start like this.  I woke up several hours ago but simply did not have the energy / motivation to take care of all of the animals (because I have to take care of them first before anything else) so I fell back asleep for some hours.  I had to pee really bad the first time I woke up, but I slept through the pain to avoid responsibility.  Now I'm up, but fighting to gather my will to move.

It's not so bad when everyone isn't sick, but when they are... I have to be honest:  It scares me.  I have to remember who needs medication, I have to get it in them (whether it's easy or hard), and sick animals usually mean more messes to clean up.  Of course they are all hungry in the morning so everyone is gathered around bouncing, making noise, and pawing me reminding me not to forget to feed them (because that is something that has ever happened.  😂)

Sometimes the messes (puke or diarrhea, usually) are in what seem to be well-thought out strategic locations to make my life harder.  Like right in the path of where a door opens so I can unknowingly smear said mess everywhere before cleaning it.  Of course while cleaning everyone likes to gather around me to see what interesting thing I'm messing with... while bouncing, making noise, and pawing me because it's obvious that I've forgotten to feed them somehow.

I don't have school today so I have a list of things I wanted to get done around the house.  But here I sit - having accomplished only taking myself to the bathroom to pee.  The kids are texting with requests and I'm here replying that they can handle things themselves because I am great.  I am already hours behind on everything - even some really important stuff - and I just CAN'T with all that.

This is why I've not been taking in more animals.  I do have one foster dog; I've had him since about October.  He's a great guy and we were planning to keep him, but I see more and more that it is not going to work.  He deserves better than the life we can offer him right now.  On my list of things to do today was to get some nice photos of him and begin my search for a rescue.  I am just tapped out.  I am scraping the bottom of the barrel on what I have left to give.

I try not to speak for Shaun, but I can tell that he is struggling, too.  We both need more time and space for self-care.  He's barely able to drag himself to work.  Honestly, I don't even know when he last went to trivia with his friends - which used to be a weekly thing.  This is not ok.  Along that vein we need time and space to be a couple.  We went to dinner at Ruby Tuesday the other night because we just had to.  It was really nice to sit across from him and just SEE his face.  We needed it.

Y'all, I have been a mom for more than half of my life now.  I have kept a hoard of forever animals for the last 13-ish years, and I have fostered animals and volunteered in rescue for about 11 years.  The kids are grown and my animals are dying off.  I'm happy about the kids, heartsick about my animals, and basically tapped out.  I need some major "me" time.  I want to focus on school and my future career.  I want more time for my HUSBANG.  I wish I knew how to make any of this happen, but I don't.

Anyway.  The animals are calling.  Guess I'm off to stop "neglecting" them.

I called the vet and got meds for these fur-kids.

I called the vet and got meds for these fur-kids.  Unfortunately, the doctor won't be in tomorrow so I really hope they help.  My gramson feels so bad he keeps laying on me and he doesn't normally do that.  The vet's office told me that if Leon and Boo weren't any better by Monday to go ahead and bring them in.  At least I'll have the weekend to keep an eye on them and baby them.

Class went ok this week.  I'm nervous about getting to the programming part of the course, but what we're learning now is stuff I've wondered about for a long time.  It's what all the different types of memory do in the computer, and how it boots up, and all of that stuff.  It's pretty cool.  I still doubt my ability to do well in the class.  I don't know why I'm like that.  It still feels like I have so far to go and I never really expected to even get this far so every time I succeed more I am shocked and the scared about what comes next.  I wish I could stop being that way.  Anxiety to the max.  Woohoo.

Things feel hectic. Blegh.

Things feel hectic.  Blegh.

I started my new class today.  It's me and 8 guys, but they all seem really nice so far and I recognize most of them from previous classes so at least I don't feel alone.

I've got a few sick animals.  😥😥😥  Booka's little bad self found a way to get into Leon's litter box and ate A TON of poopy cat litter.  Leon also knocked a peanut shell bowl over and I'm pretty sure Boo ate some of those shells.  He's having diarrhea pretty bad... sometimes red, sometimes green.  🙁  He seems otherwise fine, but if it goes on past tomorrow we've gotta get him to the doctor.

Leon has always been a little sneezy, but he's started coughing.  He did spit up a hairball, but he's still coughing and we're getting a little worried about him.  Sindar was coughing and the vet said she had stomatitis last week so he medicated her with Prednisone for the inflammation.  I also asked him to give her a de-worming pill and we got her a Seresto collar.  She's not coughing now, but is having diarrhea, too.

Needless to say we're going to try to get everyone to the vet on Friday.  I hate that things are like this.  It seems like when it rains, it pours.  But on the bright side it seems like my class is going to be super interesting.  It is all about operating systems.  Hopefully I will do ok.  The syllabus says I need to know Java and while I do NOT feel confident with Java - hopefully I know enough to comprehend what is going on.

Anyway, I'm off to shape and polish my nails (nothing fancy).  They have been terribly neglected and are snagging on things and the polish is chipped.  It's such a distraction.  Then I'm heading to bed so I can be nice and alert for class in the morning.  Goodnight, all!  ❤

Reminder to friends:

Reminder to friends: Shadow's last choir concert is tonight. It's at Edgewood Church in Anniston, 6:30 pm, free admission.

Sitting here wondering...

Go me.