Shaun took me to the doctor.

Shaun took me to the doctor. I got my migraine meds refilled and an anxiety medication. I rescheduled my therapy appointment. First available was next Tuesday at 10.

I took a look at the schedule planner for spring classes. I don't know if it's finalized, but I didn't see Abstract Algebra. I guess there's always hope that I could do an independent study. I noticed that Networking is offered, though, in case I end up failing even more this go 'round.

I'm snuggled up on the couch with my dogs. Just having someone exist with you with no expectations is my favorite thing - especially when I'm depressed. Having to engage is work that I don't have the energy to do.

I'm off to rest, friends. Thank you to everyone who has my back through all of this. I appreciate you. ❤️

I guess it's actual breakthrough depression...

I guess it's actual breakthrough depression because I've reached the "crying a lot" stage. Definitely not just overwhelmed. Damn.

Shaun is taking me to the doctor in the morning. I'm too lifeless to take myself.

My therapist canceled my appointment.

My therapist canceled my appointment. I'm sad. I needed it. Last night was the first time in 5 days I brushed my teeth and slept in my bed rather than on the couch.

I've spent the last 3 or 4 days abusing myself with food.

I've spent the last 3 or 4 days abusing myself with food.  I've been stressed.  I don't have the benefit of a personality that isn't obsessive or easily addicted, so I can't just smoke pot or have alcohol to wind down (nor do I want to, so please don't even try to make it a thing.  Yeah - I'm for legalizing pot because adults should be able to do what they want, but I'm not interested in that or CBD oil or coconut oil or essential oils.  Please don't even bring it up because it's not going to happen).  You'd be shocked at how many messages I get telling me to try pot or oil to feel better.  I won't.

Anyway.  I've had far too much sugar.  I've eaten so much junk food over the past few days.  My psoriasis is flaring up and my complexion looks terrible.  I've slept almost none and then almost non-stop.  I've over-worked myself trying to catch up to where I needed to be, and honestly after that Networking exam it feels like it was all for nothing.  So I'm ill.  I'm angry.  I'm unhappy.  I may be depressed, or I may just be reaping the rewards of being overwhelmed.  I do not know.

What I do know is that I am so discontent with certain things right now.  I want some changes to happen.  I've been working hard since 2015 to make some major life changes and I'm tired of working so hard and not having results.  I have grown and changed and gone through so many mental breakdowns since starting college.  In a lot of ways I feel like an entirely different person.  I have conquered things that terrified me (ahem, Calculus.)  I have done things I never thought I would achieve (attending JSU, for one.  Attending on a scholarship, for another).

But I'm frustrated.  I know that I am SO CLOSE to graduation, but it is not fun being confronted with failure so often.  I am not having a good time.  I want to cry, and scream, and I feel like no one gives a shit.  Everyone just tells me I'll be fine, that I'm tough and smart and always make it.  I get no space to be vulnerable.  I was chatting with someone just the other day and I was looking at Abstract Algebra and started to cry and they didn't even notice!  I don't feel seen.  Just because I have made it through hard things before doesn't mean that I'm not scared to death of newer, harder things.  I am!

I don't know what else to say.  I know I'm going to be blowing off some steam soon, some kind of way.  I can feel it building.  If anyone sees me running blindly and just scream-crying, you'll know what's up.  Until then I'm grumpy and I'm not even sorry.  I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist this coming week.  I need some kind of help because honestly, right now, I am not ok.

Felt so ready for my Networking exam.

Felt so ready for my Networking exam. Studied hard. Made a 39.6.

Today was better.

Today was better.  Dropping Abstract saves me 3 trips per week to JSU, which is nice.  Two of my remaining classes are on Tuesday and Thursday, and the other is online.

Even though I didn't have a class I did go to JSU today.  I scheduled an appointment with my favorite counselor.  He's the one who saved me when I had my meltdown this time in 2017 - just after transferring to JSU.  I will be happy to see him.

After that I went to the gym and walked for 30 minutes on the treadmill.  I set it to an incline and walked to high-tempo music.  I'm a band nerd from back in the day, so I can't help but step in time to the music. 😂 So yeah, I've gotta really make a habit of that because it helps with tension and stress, which trigger my migraines.  It's a free and healthy way to make my life a lot better.

Then I came home, saw the kids, and completed a project that had been weighing on me.  I'll be ready for my 20-minute presentation to the class tomorrow.  Now all I need to do is ensure I'm ready for my networking exam, which I had better be since I bombed the quiz so badly the other day.  I think I'll be ok.

I don't know how many times I have to learn this lesson, but self-care - ESPECIALLY exercise in times of high stress - has to be a priority.  There is no way it can just be an option for me.  But also, dropping Abstract was a thing I had to do.  I don't think any amount of exercise could have un-overwhelmed me from that plus my other 3 classes.  😛

I lived, I slept, and I feel ok.

I lived, I slept, and I feel ok. I'm heading to the school to make a therapy appointment and hit the gym as stress control. Then I'm coming home to study. I'll see my doctor on Friday for more migraine meds.

This has been the most stressful semester that I can recall when it comes to coursework. I've had plenty of rough semesters before due to outside influences like dad's house burning down, animal kids dying, periods of large transitions, or the neighbor stealing my power and water... but this time nothing major is going on. It is literally just a really hard semester, in and of itself.

Dropping Abstract Algebra was the right decision. I'm a little behind from trying to keep up with it all for so long, but I'm pretty sure I'll be ok. Stress control has to be my #1 right now; otherwise, I'm going to keep getting migraines and losing days or hours that I could be doing homework or studying.

To everyone who keeps encouraging me:  I appreciate it and I need it. Thank you. I hate to be needy, but the closer I get to finishing school, the worse my anxiety gets about messing up and failing. I'll be back on later to respond to comments and messages. For now, I've gotta go take care of myself. ❤️❤️❤️