A sentence I never thought I would say:

I went to bed at 11 pm...

I went to bed at 11 pm on Thursday and slept / laid in bed until 5 pm on Friday. When I finally got up I still wasn't feeling too good, so me and Shaun ordered pizza and watched funny shows. It was nice.

I went back to sleep at 1 this morning and woke up around 11. We went to visit Shaun's dad and I didn't have a bad day. We went out for dinner and Shaun ordered a cup of chili as a side (at a restaurant where we were dining in) and this is what he got. 😂😂😂 It's so bizarre!

Anyway, today I wasn't dead inside or crying, so that was nice. It's been a pretty chill day, but I feel myself crashing out now. I'm gonna sit up for a little bit and then call it a night. I'm trying to do self - care by listening to my body.

I hope you all are doing well. If not, know that you are not alone. ❤️

I've been having nightmares about losing my dogs...

I've been having nightmares about losing my dogs who already passed away. Lowrider, Scooter, Emma, and Nappy. It's not a big comfort to wake up and remember that they have died, except for the fact that I was with them all until the end rather than them being lost out in the world with who knows what happening to them.

I've been crying a lot lately. I don't think Lexapro is working for me anymore. The emotional blunting of antidepressants has been a lifesaver over the last few years, and that seems to be fading away. I've felt either dead inside or weepy lately, and that's not productive or fun.

Today was a relief; I got my biggest final exam out of the way. I'm no longer sure I'll pass that class, so I legitimately might fail 3/4 of my classes. I've never had a semester like this before in my life. Considering that I've only made 3 Cs in the almost 5 years I've been in college, this is a big change. I'm not a fan. I don't really know what to do besides to keep trying, though.

Dinorah came over this afternoon and I got tears when I heard her voice. I have tears now. I wish school didn't kill us both and that we had more time to act like people. She brought me a Gooey Butter Bar and took me for food. Then we watched videos of our wife and it was so good. I desperately needed that.

I'm sorry if I end up unresponsive for the next while. I don't know what is happening.

Of course I get a migraine the day before the biggest final of the semester is due.

Of course I get a migraine the day before the biggest final of the semester is due. Definitely needed to spend a few hours incapacitated. Go me.

Yesterday was a fluke.

I've had an actual good day today.

I've had an actual good day today.  I'm sorry for being MIA again, but I'm working on my math final.  I failed Exam 2 so bad that I've gotta do well on the final or I'll only be passing 1 class this semester.  😬  I don't want that, so I was doing some research and came across something I liked so much that I wanted to share.  Big shock - it's about math, but I think it's beautiful.

"Do you know what the foundation of mathematics is? The foundation of mathematics is numbers. If anyone asks me what makes me truly happy, I would say: numbers. Snow and ice and numbers. And do you know why? Because the number system is like human life. First you have the natural numbers. The ones that are whole and positive. The numbers of a small child. But human consciousness expands. The child discovers a sense of longing, and do you know what the mathematical expression is for longing ... The negative numbers. The formalization of the feeling that you are missing something. And human consciousness expands and grows even more, and the child discovers the in between spaces. Between stones, between pieces of moss on the stones, between people. And between numbers. And do you know what that leads to? It leads to fractions. Whole numbers plus fractions produce rational numbers. And human consciousness doesn't stop there. It wants to go beyond reason. It adds an operation as absurd as the extraction of roots. And produces irrational numbers ... It's a form of madness. Because the irrational numbers are infinite. They can't be written down. They force human consciousness out beyond the limits. And by adding irrational numbers to rational numbers, you get real numbers ... It doesn't stop. It never stops. Because now, on the spot, we expand the real numbers with the imaginary square roots of negative numbers. These are numbers we can't picture, numbers that normal human consciousness cannot comprehend. And when we add the imaginary numbers to the real numbers, we have the complex number system. The first number system in which it's possible to explain satisfactorily the crystal formation of ice. It's like a vast, open landscape. The horizons. You head toward them and they keep receding."  [Cited as Peter Høeg's novel "Smilla's Sense of Snow"]

Low on life force, but out of bed.

Low on life force, but out of bed. Small victories.

Now if only I could manage to do my final exam that is due in 4 days...