I didn't make it out of bed yesterday until 6...

I didn't make it out of bed yesterday until 6.  Six *PM.*  The last couple of days have taken their toll on me.

Faith is the early-riser in the house.  Was, I mean.  ... 🥺

Without her me and Booka can apparently sleep all day.  I'm sure I needed the rest, but yeah.  It's been EXCEPTIONALLY quiet and calm here.  Faith was the busy one.  Had to keep the cats in line.  Had to watch Booka eat.  Had to let us know she was out of water.  Had to go outside to pee often because she was on prednisone.  Always on the lookout for something that needed barking about.

I have gone from fostering dogs (having a max of 14 at one time [to my newer friends - check out my "Foster Kids" album if you really want to know me]) to giving my six amazing, aging forever dogs a break and some well-deserved "us" time, to my one little Booka Bear being the last man standing.  I know that Cubba and Rose live here, but they aren't "my" dogs.  Cubba was meant to be Kira's.  Rose belongs to Cubba.  If I could find either of them a good home they wouldn't be here.  They arrived long after my pack was complete and my heart was full.  I love and care for them, but we're not connected.

I feel guilty because they deserve more, but I can't give it.  I gave so much of myself for so long and I haven't been refilled.  I don't know if setting my focus on school changed me or if the agonizing loss of my pack over the last few years has hindered my capacity to give of myself.  Or it could be the mental breakdowns over the last 5 years and the medications that now hold me together.  I have no idea, but I know I am not the same.

I would still like to volunteer in rescue and foster again one day.  There is nothing like the feeling of helping someone in need; giving freely of yourself, simply CARING.  I've seen animals go from scared and hopeless to enjoying life.  I think that almost anyone can go through the motions (provide food, water, and shelter), but the secret ingredient is connection.  That makes it especially hard to give up an animal to their new forever family, but to me it's necessary for healing.  And I'm unfortunately not sure that I still have the ability to form new connections.  I feel like I've lost a part of myself somewhere along the way.

Forgive me; I'm just over here rambling.  But as I reflect on losing Faith I remember how she came to me - foster failure.  The six best friends of my life came to me during a time that I was open and helpful and connecting to life in a big way - giving and caring and changing lives.  I never searched any of them out and yet the best pack of mismatched mutts I never knew I wanted landed in my home and my heart.  I think I'm scared.  Scared that I'll never have this kind of love again.  Scared that because I'm different right now I don't deserve it.

My friend Joshua shared this...

My friend Joshua shared this and then proceeded to lay down some knowledge in the comments. I don't know how to share his version of the post rather than the original, but I'm adding screen shots of his comments here. Worth a read. It gave me a much - needed chuckle today. I love my animal people. They are my favorite. 😂❤️

Booka just had another accident in his bed.

Booka just had another accident in his bed. It's getting more frequent that he pees in his sleep areas. It only happens later in the day. I wonder if his mind is going. He's not acting like he does when he has a UTI.

😥

I appreciate all of the love sent my way today.

I appreciate all of the love sent my way today.  I'm sorry that I haven't responded yet; I've read all of your comments and I appreciate them, but I don't have it in me to react / reply personally just yet.

I didn't sleep much last night.  I sat up until almost 3 am studying and playing games... trying to distract myself from her being in the hospital.  I wouldn't have been able to sleep had I tried.  The call came early (6:30ish) that we'd lost Faith during the night.  Shaun came to my room, woke me up, and told me the news.  Then he held me while I tried to wake up / process what I was hearing.  I legit asked him if he was kidding because it just didn't make sense.

It's weird to feel so disoriented.  My first emotion was, as I posted early this morning, disbelief.  Then I got angry.  Not at Faith, not at the doctors, but just angry with nowhere to really direct it.  That sucks.  Then I felt nauseated - like I'd been punched in the gut.  I decided to get up and try to eat, and I did, but it didn't really help.  I spent most of the day in a weird daze, struggling to process what happened.  Sometimes crying, sometimes angry, talking it over and over with Shaun about how she was fine when we went to bed on Saturday night, "Did I cause this?  What happened?  Did something bite her?," replaying Saturday evening in my head trying to figure it out.  I can't.  I just do not know what happened.

Shaun and I cuddled together in the recliner, just being together in our sadness.  He is so patient with me.  I know it was not the most fun rehashing the last 48 hours over and over, but I had to.  He's assured me so many times that this couldn't have been my fault, but she was my responsibility and not knowing what went wrong is eating me up.  Since I don't know what happened I can't learn from this.  If something in my house caused this how can I protect Booka and the cats and tortoises from it?  I have no answers and I am not ok.

We eventually napped for a while and then left to retrieve her body at 3 pm.  On the way to the vet the sadness really hit full force.  Seeing her body, getting that lovely paw print from AMC of which I am collecting far too many... I had no choice but to accept that she is gone.  Though I'd cried off and on all day that's when the ugly crying really started.

I am sad, y'all.  I am really, really sad.  I have missed her all day.  I got dressed without anyone tugging my clothes and waving their big, goofy, good-morning open mouth at me.  When the cats got in a scuffle earlier, nothing happened.  I waited a beat then said "Bark bark bark."  Shaun kind of half-smiled and squeezed my arm.  Faith always tried to keep the cats in line.  When I was making my dinner she wasn't there asking for me to share.  When I take my antianxiety tonight and in the morning she won't be waiting next to me for her daily meds, too.

This has been a big, sudden, confusing, bad loss.  I'll be ok eventually.  I survived losing the rest of my pack and I'll get through this, too.  But for now I'm grieving real hard and processing the best I can. Please know that I love and appreciate all of you.  Do me a favor and hug your loved ones because you really never know what tomorrow brings.  ❤

Pardon me, but what the fuck?

Pardon me, but what the fuck? She didn't make it.

I feel like I didn't think she would die without me or I wouldn't have left her. We are devastated that she died alone.

Deep down I thought she'd be ok with some fluids after getting the anaphylaxis under control. Worst case in my head was that we had to make the tough choice to let her go and we'd be there for her. I honestly didn't think it could be worse... and then suddenly it was.

Life just suckerpunched me.

I... I'm angry. I have so many feelings right now. I don't even know how to process this.

For real, though. 😂😂😂

For real, though.  😂😂😂

The one bright thing in the midst of this turmoil with my sick puppy is Shaun.

The one bright thing in the midst of this turmoil with my sick puppy is Shaun.  When I went to his room at 4 in the morning and told him something was wrong with Faith he got up right away and helped me care for her all night.  He made her a pallet in the floor when she was too hot for the couch.  He took her outside and helped her back in when she gave out before making it into the house.  He brought fresh water to her and tried to coax her to drink.  When she wanted on the couch he picked her up here and tucked her in with me so we could be together.  I petted her for hours until she got back in the floor to cool off.  She seemed a little better so we dozed.  When Shaun woke back up before me he checked on her then woke me up and told me to find a vet.  It was a long and sad night, but I am so grateful to have someone like him by side to go through it with.