Today was pretty good.

Today was pretty good.  I did my daily chores before 4 pm (and even did some laundry), got some studying / homework done, and showered.  I'm going to brush my teeth shortly and call it a night.

I consider this a win because I did the things I had to do - plus some extra - and I only napped once.  🙂

My first day on Cymbalta wasn't bad.

My first day on Cymbalta wasn't bad.  I did get a little nauseated this morning after I took it.  I napped several times today, so maybe I should be taking it at night.  We'll see.  I've felt a constant... I don't quite want to say "buzzing," but something in my muscles.  Almost like right before I get caffeine jitters, except the jitters never come.  It's far less bothersome and intrusive than jitters, whatever it is.  Maybe this is just what having some energy feels like for the first time in a while.  My head has felt only very slightly swimmy.  My appetite was pretty low.  My skin ALMOST feels tingly, but not quite.

Overall, today wasn't bad.  I should have studied more and slept less, but I'm being patient with myself.  I know that my brain and my body are going through some things and that can't be helped.  I just have to roll with it and do the best I can.  That has served me well so far, so I guess that's the plan.

I had a telehealth appointment today about my depression.

Two things:

Two things:

1. This is not a public post, so discretion is appreciated.
2. I am not ok and I definitely need advice if you have it.

I will try to keep this short, but we'll see if I can manage it.

Some of you may remember me saying that FIL was hospitalized last week (I think it was last week; I honestly have no concept of time lately, thank you depression).  He got home late last week and called us to come and see him on Saturday.  He knows we've not gone anywhere except for necessary places since March, but this sounded pretty serious, so we donned gloves and masks and went.

He told us that he has 10% heart function and there is nothing else that can be done for him.  (He's 81 and has had heart attacks and surgeries and procedures since he was in his forties, I guess).  He then showed Shaun what he wanted to be buried in and where his will was.  He was very emotional and it sounded pretty grim.  I'm guessing that he was close to dying when he went to the hospital and that scared him.

He told us we need to visit him every few days now.  He says he tested negative for COVID at the hospital, which is nice; HOWEVER, he's also resumed going to church (no masks required), having visitors over (I doubt they're wearing masks), stopped for food on the way home from the hospital, is going into Wal-Mart for groceries even though we offered to pick them up for him, AND forgot his mask and went in the pharmacy the other day rather than being patient and going through the drive-thru.  He says he's being careful, but his recount of his actions say otherwise.

If visiting FIL was stressful and anxiety-inducing before the pandemic (Shaun's pretty much the black sheep of the family), then doing it now is like, I don't even have the words.  We both come home with stress headaches from trying to stay vigilant about what is safe.  FIL doesn't make it easy.  He wants us to "try this watermelon" (we'd have to take off our masks) or "come look at this map" (getting closer to him than 6 feet away) and of course, we hug him goodbye.

I am torn between feeling selfish for not wanting us to catch COVID from him and how to be good to him and respect his wishes in what, I'm guessing he in a roundabout sort of way is trying to tell us are his last days?  I don't even know.  How long can a person live in his condition?  If it's so bad, why did he refuse to let us get him groceries so that he doesn't have to do the work or expose himself to COVID?  Why won't he let one or both of us stay out there just in case?  We offered and would have been glad to do it.  I just don't understand what is happening, but I know that Shaun and I can't do this for long.  Our mental health isn't going to allow it.

My antidepressants are failing me and this extra stress has just about put me down.  I slept for 19 of the past 24 hours.  I am not ok and I am so grateful that I have an appointment with the doctor soon.  I'm already thinking about dropping my Spanish class because I don't see how I'm going to be able to keep up with 2 classes when my full-time job seems to be depression sleeping.  I just really need help.  I don't know what to do.

Two Things:

Two Things:

1. Differential Equations was great. I am legit giddy. 😁
2. Why is this cat so cute? 😍😍😍😭😭😭

Despite how hard it's been to function recently...

Despite how hard it's been to function recently I'm pretty excited about starting classes tomorrow.  I can't believe I've made it to my final semester.  I have worked so hard for this; not comprehending up until about a year ago that I was actually going to finish school and change my life.  At some point, the "if I graduate" in my mind finally became "when I graduate," but I want you to know that the struggle to get there was real.  For the longest time I could not believe that this was for me.  I honestly don't know that I ever would have started college if my health hadn't kicked me in the ass.

At 32 when I was barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis, couldn't afford insurance, covered in psoriasis, and mental health hanging by a thread, a doctor told me to eliminate stress (it triggers psoriatic disease and depression).  I'm a pretty chill type of person, but raising a child by myself for years while living paycheck to paycheck had taken its toll on me.  I'd been working 2-3 jobs to try to make ends meet, the whole while feeling like a failure as a parent due to my son caring for himself so much.  I was not ok.  

Fortunately, most of my problems were financial.  My doctor told me that I seemed intelligent and to go to college.  He said that if I wanted it bad enough I could change my life.  That was November 2014.  January 2015 I started classes and haven't taken a single semester off.

I have honestly enjoyed my time as a student.  It has been extremely stressful at times, but honestly aside from the anxiety that I won't make it, it hasn't been worse than being poor and unhealthy - just different.  At least this kind of stress is due to me wanting something in life and trying to accomplish it.  I am hoping that after I graduate and find a job I can settle into a new normal - a less stressful normal, with health insurance for all of us and a career to look forward to.  I am grateful for my time in school and all that I have learned, but I am excited to see what the future holds.  I really want to see if all of this work paid off.

On that note I'm off to water a few thirsty succulents, shower, and get my notebook prepped for tomorrow.  Differential Equations and Beginner Spanish I:  I'm ready!  😃

I have a doctor appointment next week...