Being able to fail is a luxury AND A PRIVILEGE.

Being able to fail is a luxury AND A PRIVILEGE.

I've been ok today.

I've been ok today.  I guess sleeping late this morning and napping yesterday helped.  Plus all of you - I have some really great friends.  I appreciate everyone who encourages me when I'm struggling.  Thank you.  ❤

It's been a chill day, but not good.

I really didn't think I'd be making another private post so soon, yet here we are.

I really didn't think I'd be making another private post so soon, yet here we are.

Shaun saw his dad yesterday.  I stayed home because I just needed to.  Unfortunately, there was not a good report back.  Shaun said that his dad was at the kitchen table trying to eat dinner.  He had a pillow on the table and kept putting his head down because he was in so much pain.  On top of his leg and side hurting, his back and neck hurt now, too.  I do not understand why he doesn't go to the doctor to get something else for the pain.  Having pain medication shouldn't make his cancer any worse while we wait to figure out if / how it can be treated, but hearing his final diagnosis seems to be what he is waiting for.

Shaun was planning to call and check on his dad today, but before he could he got a call from one of his cousins.  We answered immediately thinking there was an emergency, but it wasn't.  She was there cleaning FILs house.  She asked if Shaun was planning to come over today and basically put the words in his father's mouth that he should.  So like a good son, he went.

When he arrived she was still there cleaning.  She told him how she'd worked the races this past weekend.  Guess who wasn't wearing a mask?  I don't know why I am surprised at this point.  Shaun sat with his dad, then got the showerhead installed and helped his dad into and out of the shower.  He said that his dad was silent pretty much the whole time the cousin was there.

When she left his dad said something about people not taking "No" for an answer.  Shaun said that all of the relatives are just barging in and out, bringing food and cleaning (the house is always a step above decent, in my opinion), and prompting him to do things (like shower) when all he really wanted was to rest.  He's complained before about them calling and if he doesn't answer because he's asleep or in the bathroom, they then come over to check on him.  I understand the need to take care of people, but at the same time if they are not into what you are doing, why force yourself on them?  I guess he's not speaking up for himself.  Or maybe he is and they are ignoring him because it makes them feel better to "be there" for him.  I really don't know.  But now I feel a ton less shitty about our "lack" of involvement in his day-to-day because I know it's not welcome.

I still feel shitty about him being in pain, but there is nothing I can personally do about that.  I still feel SUPER STRESSED about the possibility of him or us catching COVID because of the way the relatives are behaving.  I mean, FIL is 81 with lung cancer.  If COVID is going to take anyone out I think it would make a quick job of him.  I do not understand people at all.  Shaun wears an N95 and keeps his distance when anyone is around (opting to not be in the house with them at all if possible), but everyone else is being exceptionally careless in that respect.

I think I need to accept that this is a shitty situation and that most of the people involved aren't concerned at all with the pandemic.  Otherwise, these sad posts with me being shocked by peoples disregard for the health of others are going to remain a theme until FIL either passes away or makes a miraculous recovery.  While it helps me to write out my thoughts and vent, I don't think I've said anything new at this point and I doubt much will change besides details.  Maybe this will be the last one of these from me for a bit.  I'm sure these posts are super fun and exciting to read.  /sarcasm

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well.  We're stressing pretty hard over here, but Shaun said we could have a date tomorrow so that should be nice.  This is usually when we'd go to Baja and talk over dinner, but since we're not going out I don't know what we'll do.  In any case, as long as we take the time to look at each other and connect, we'll be ok.  Goodnight, friends.

Yesterday Kira had a doctor's appointment and it was pretty stressful.

Yesterday Kira had a doctor's appointment and it was pretty stressful.  The waiting room was over-crowded and some people weren't wearing masks properly.  The wait was long on top of that.  Once the waiting room started to clear out, we moved to seats that were a bit farther away from everyone.  THEN, some woman came and sat next to us so she could talk to another patient.  I was gobsmacked!  Kira and I ended up moving again and it was awkward, but that was SO NOT OK during a pandemic.  Also, on the way to the appointment we saw a dog riding in a car that looked strikingly like my recently-departed Booka.  Not gonna lie - I shed a few tears.

Today was better, though.  I attended my online class, then spent the rest of the day putting puzzles together.  I put together 20 200-piece puzzles on my tablet.  I'm playing on Microsoft Jigsaw and they had a cactus collection of puzzles.  You have to finish one to unlock the next, so I just kept on going until I unlocked them all.  You can also use your own photos to make puzzles.  One day when I feel up for it I might photograph some of my succulents and see how that turns out in puzzle form.  Anyway, other than puzzles I watched some shows with Shaun and cuddled my cat and chilled.  So basically, I sat around like a lump all day, but I feel almost ok again so that's nice.

Tomorrow, Shaun is planning to visit his dad again.  The relatives that usually keep an eye on his dad are out of town, so he definitely needs to be checked on.  Shaun also needs to have a look at his dads shower because his dad needs a removable showerhead and we want to make sure we get him one that will fit in his space.  We'll make sure that is taken care of in the next couple of days.  As for me, I might sit this visit out.  I found out this morning that I have a quiz next Tuesday, so I have some studying that I legit need to be doing.  Whether I use tomorrow to study or not, I don't feel like I can take another hit (stress or mental health-wise) without digging myself into a depression-hole, so it's probably safer to hide here with my animals and math and puzzles.

Anyway, I'm off to have some cereal and call it a night.  I hope you all are doing well.  If not, hang in there.  ❤

Once again, not a public post. And it's a doozy.

Once again, not a public post.  And it's a doozy.  As always, if you can see this your discretion is appreciated.

Yesterday was bad.  It started out great; I woke up early, had energy, and wanted to get some things done around the house.  Then I learned that we were visiting Shaun's dad (FIL).  I tried to make the best of it... since we were going out I thought we could take our recycling, donate some things to the thrift store, and drop some things off at my mom's house (we haven't seen her or my brother since March).  I mean, we did the things, but it was really NOT a good time.

Shaun and I have been extremely cautious since March.  We've made the exception to visit his dad because he is not doing well and might die soon (sorry for the bluntness, but I don't have the energy for pretty words today).  We prefer to see him on his porch, but we've been going inside (us always masked and distanced) when he's not up for coming out.  However, when we arrived yesterday there were two vehicles in the yard.  I was like "There is no way in hell I'm going in there with other people inside."  Shaun was in agreement.  So we sat in the car for a bit, and then on the porch.  His dad did come to the door and invite us in, but Shaun told him that it was ok and we would wait.  So we did.

After a while, FILs BIL comes out carrying a bag of trash and mumbling something to us about needing to clean the bathroom.  Then a bit later FILs sister and another relative come out and say "You coulda come in.  We ain't poison." Then they tell us that he needs a Swiffer (Shaun bought him one earlier this year) and that we need to be taking his blood pressure and all that, as well as coming over more often.  Then they tell us they are tired because they had been going to yard sales all morning.  Did I mention that none of these 3 people were masked?

First of all:  We're visiting as much as we can.  We call daily but if FIL feels too bad to have us over, we do not go.  He is an adult and can say what he wants.  We live a little over 30 minutes away and it's not like it's a convenient little pop-in to go out there.  Secondly, we're not nurses and have no intention of inserting ourselves into his medical care like that.  If he needs medical monitoring his insurance can cover home health for him.  And as for cleaning Shaun is happy to do whatever his dad asks him to do (in fact, he fixed the ice maker, refilled FILs hummingbird feeder, and trimmed FILs hair and eyebrows just recently), but we don't assume that he wants us to do anything he doesn't ask us to do.  By the way, none of this was said; Shaun just shrugged them off, but it all really got to me.  I am not a typical southern "woman" and I don't feel at all comfortable with the typical care-taking role that I'm sure is expected of me.

By this point my anxiety is wayyy up.  I don't like confrontations because in my family history there is usually violence when people disagree.  At the very least, yelling, and on the more serious side, there are physical altercations and weapons make an appearance.  Now I know that Shaun's relatives are old as shit and super Christian and don't seem THAT redneck, but tell that to the part of me that's in control of my emotions.  I was ready to go home and crawl into bed before even seeing FIL.

So people left and we finally went in.  FIL looked a bit better than the last time we saw him.  He'd been complaining a lot recently about his pain meds constipating him.  He then told us how he drank a whole bottle of laxative on Friday and then "Shit all the way from the kitchen to the bathroom."  The man never curses, so that was... something.  Apparently, he was cleaning up yesterday (Saturday) and got winded and called the relatives over.  I don't know if they were cleaning up poop from Friday or just cleaning in general, but there was no mess when we got there (not even in the bathroom where FILs BIL told us to clean), thank goodness.  Anyway.  The visit went ok.  Like I said FIL looked better and was able to stay awake and talk for a while.

Then it was time to stop by my moms house.  Like I said I haven't seen her or my brother since March.  I texted her and asked that we visit outside and wear masks and keep 6 feet of distance.  It was not a problem.  But do you ever just feel... talked AT, not talked TO?  I can't say that this would be new behavior from either of them, but damn if it wasn't disappointing - especially after such a long time of not seeing them.  I know that I post a lot about my life on here, but neither of them asked me how my class was going or told me they were excited / proud / happy that I would be graduating soon.  No one asked about the kids or how work was going for Shaun.  There was no interest shown in our lives whatsoever.

My brother immediately wanted to show me the plants he has (which I genuinely don't mind).  Mom told me about plans for her trailer.  Cool.  But after that, brother started showing us pictures of fungus on the internet and telling us facts he learned about them.  Meh.  Mom told us about Halloween decorations she wanted to make.  Ok.  Then she started talking about COVID and how if she feels like she's getting sick she'll just go stand in her hot greenhouse so it'll kill the virus.  I think that was the point I looked over at Shaun with dead eyes like "Why am I here?"  And the ending note of our "conversation" was them saying that they were ready for the civil war and that if anyone came on their land they would protect it and blah blah blah.

I hate to say it, but that visit made me realize that I probably don't want to do that again.  I feel like such a dick.  Obviously I love my mom and brother, but I have so little in common with them anymore.  We've been slowly but steadily growing apart and I don't even know if they notice it, but I sure do.  It makes my heart hurt.

Needless to say I laid in bed today until Shaun came to check on me.  And then I laid there some more.  I didn't get up until after 1 pm, which hasn't happened in a while.  Today I have felt dead inside and short on patience and down.  Straight up sad if I'm telling the truth.  So I need to do a good bit of self-care over the next few days and try to get right because I was doing so well.  Everything about yesterday just drained my battery.  Anyway, that's what is going on with me right now.  I hope you all are doing ok.

This is not a public post, so please use discretion if you can see this.

This is not a public post, so please use discretion if you can see this.

Today was hard.  It was the first time we've seen Shaun's dad in a little over a week.  Every time we've tried to visit him he says he feels too bad for company and that he needs to rest.  From the way he sounded over the phone, it was, unfortunately, very believable.

It is confirmed - he has cancer in his lung.  He has an appointment on the 14th to see how / if he can be treated.  He will get those results on the 19th.  I don't know if 2 weeks is a standard waiting time for a scan like this, but it seems like a long time to us.  In response to that he told us "Well, it's just a job to them."  That broke my heart.

He really doesn't look too good.  He's lost quite a bit of weight.  He's been nauseated and not eating like he should.  Shaun suggested he try Ensure and he was able to keep that down, thank goodness.  But it was hard visiting him.  He looked like the act of staying alive was exhausting to him.  I was honestly a little scared that he was going to close his eyes and just stop breathing.  I haven't been around a lot of deathly ill people so I don't know exactly how resilient the human body is, but dang.  He ended up almost falling asleep on us, so we told him we'd let him rest and said our goodbyes.

So, that is where we are with that situation right now.  The waiting is awful.  He is in pain from his leg still and also from the biopsy site.  I really wouldn't wish this on anyone.