Another private one.

Another private one.  The funeral home has already posted the obituary, so I'll be speaking freely soon.  I just wanted to let you all know how we are doing.

The last two days have been pretty terrible as far as emotions and workload go.  The emotions part is pretty self-explanatory.  Despite feeling relieved that he is no longer suffering FILs death is still a loss and a HUGE change.  Change is also scary and both mine and Shaun's anxiety has been through the roof.  These kinds of emotions are EXHAUSTING.  But that exhaustion did not negate the fact that we had to get a lot of things together for the funeral home and make sure that any valuables in the for-now empty (of people) house were secured.  Needless to say, we slept like rocks last night after two days of going so hard.

FILs house was clean and tidy except for dust and I wouldn't say that he was a hoarder, but OH MY GOSH, the amount of paperwork we had (and still have) to go through is INSANE.  We kept finding it everywhere.  We found (in two different places) 3 copies of stubs where he paid his life insurance premium, (but no contract), so we have no idea how much of the funeral cost that will cover.  I did call yesterday, but they won't give out the amount that the contract pays regardless of whether you have the account number or not.  I suppose that is a safe way to do things.

We searched for 2 days for the keys to the safe deposit box before we found them.  We thought that some of the things the funeral home needed might be in there so we didn't want to expend too much energy going through papers until we had that.  Turns out, there was only one helpful thing in it so we still had a lot of work to do.  We managed to get as much of it together as we could yesterday and went to the funeral home to make preparations.  I don't know if this would be considered a cop-out, but the funeral home director had looked up what Shaun's father chose for his mom, so we went with a matching casket and all that.  The only thing we did differently was the memorabilia thing which he didn't do for Shaun's mother (and later regretted).

We need to get some more photos to the funeral home, but other than that I think we've done what we can do.  The funeral is on Saturday because the pastor that FIL wanted has doctor appointments on Thursday and Friday.  That will give any out-of-town relatives time to get here, anyway.  We chose a graveside service unlike what Shaun's mother had due to COVID.  Maybe these older conservative types don't care about catching a virus, but we're not going to endanger them any more than is necessary.  Since he's a Veteran, there will be a 21 gun salute, which I've never seen IRL before, so that will be neat.

All in all I think that aside from the actual funeral we are past the hardest part.  The will left everything to Shaun since he is the only child so that is pretty straightforward, although both executors have passed away which might complicate things.  I think we'll probably end up needing to get a lawyer to help us navigate all of the upcoming paperwork, but I don't know.  This is uncharted territory for us.  I foresee a lot of paperwork and paperwork-sorting-through and phone calls in our near future.  Super fun times.  /sarcasm

Other than that I have basically neglected school for the last 3 weeks and I have an exam coming up on Tuesday.  I'm going to email my professor and ask if I can take my exam on the following Friday because an extra few days would help me a lot and I really need some time to catch up.  I've attended every online lecture, but I haven't done a lick of homework because of, well, everything.  I am hoping that she will have mercy on me.

The silver lining to all of this is that I am sure that Shaun and I can survive anything together.  We've been though a lot of hard things in our 12 years as a couple, but this is probably our biggest team-work type of challenge in all of that time.  We were pushed to our emotional edges and to physical exhaustion simultaneously over the last two days and aside from being just SLIGHTLY short with each other a few times, we've gotten a lot done and have propped each other up in a big way.  I never doubted us, but it feels nice to pass a test with flying colors.

P. S.

Death is going to happen to all of us.  After us finding paperwork everywhere and having to sort through it all, we 100% are going to make a "Shit, I Died" binder for the kids.  It's going to have all relevant paperwork and info for them so that we don't put them through more stress when we pass away.  I'm sure (or at least I hope) that most people have a filing cabinet or some type of organization system in place in their home, but if you do not, please, for the sake of your loved ones get it in some kind of order.  We didn't know the name of his life insurance company and still don't know how much of the funeral cost will be covered.  We don't know if he had more than one life insurance policy, or burial insurance, or the location of anything that would let us know.  We just have two boxes of mixed papers that we're going to have to sort through to make sure we don't miss anything helpful or important, and it should have been relatively easy for it not to be that way.  Please don't put your loved ones though more stress at a very hard time in life.  Please let your final act of love towards them be that you took care of them during your loss.

This is probably my last private post for a while (hopefully).

This is probably my last private post for a while (hopefully).  I will write a public post at some point later once I'm sure all of the family members have been informed.  Shaun's father passed away this morning.

Around midnight last night Shaun texted me and we had a little chat about how his care-taking duty was going.  It was actually pretty heart-warming.  He said he remembers calling to his parents from his old bedroom as a child and that this was a strange role reversal.  He said it wasn't so bad helping his dad up and down to get to the bathroom; they would just chat about random stuff while he tried to poop (which FIL hadn't done in about a week either due to the possible stroke found in the recent scans or his pain medication; we're not sure).  He said he wasn't stressed or grossed out - it was just something that needed to be done.  Some other relative had gotten FIL some adult pull-up style diapers and he'd been wearing those, which helped with the urine aspect of things.  It was so weird hearing him talking about changing his dad.  Regardless, hearing that he was doing ok with all that calmed my nerves a great deal and I actually slept a bit last night.

I woke up around 9 this morning to a phone call from a sobbing Shaun.  I could barely make out what he was saying but I heard that he needed me there and to be careful, so, instantly awake, I threw on some clothes and left the house.  When I got to the road that his father lives on I saw an ambulance leaving the driveway and then turning their lights off.  Unsure if FIL had passed I asked the first person I saw, which was an officer doing paperwork in the driveway, and he confirmed what I suspected.

Shaun was basically up with his dad all night.  Since FIL was so constipated, he wanted to try to use the bathroom frequently.  I didn't find out until this morning (Shaun was probably protecting me from it) but he said his dad moaned and writhed in pain almost all night despite the pain medication (which he wasn't doing at the hospital, so his condition had deteriorated); it was not a restful night for anyone.  At some point around 6 this morning, Shaun fell asleep.  He woke up around 8 to a relative calling to be let in because they were going to help him dress FIL and get him ready for his appointment.  He woke up to let them in, then went to check on his dad and found him unresponsive.  Relative (a nurse) started doing CPR while Shaun called 911.  His pacemaker / defibrillator started making noise and delivered a shock.  The paramedics arrived and tried CPR, to no avail.  At some point while that was going on, the pacemaker company called and asked about a weird rhythm showing up on their monitors a couple hours prior.  As far as I know the cause of death is that his heart stopped.  With having 10% function for so long, that is really not surprising.

After the coroner picked FIL up, we spent a few hours looking for documentation that the funeral home requested (with no success).  There were a lot of people around and it was really stressful.  Last night I had scheduled a grocery pick-up from Wal-Mart for the noon-1 timeslot today, so I told Shaun we should go get our groceries, go home, let him get some rest and come back later when he was feeling better and the house was empty.  We got home, he showered, ate, and crashed.  I feel so bad for him.  He says his body hurts from lifting his dad so much (he weighed 200 lbs and Shaun lifted him at least 20 times last night).

So... funeral stuff and estate stuff is where we are now.  That is also extremely stressful, but in a different way.  I know this sounds horrible but we are relieved that his dad is not suffering anymore because he definitely was and had been for a while.  Being unable to help that in any way was getting to us so bad.  I'm just grateful that Shaun had as good of a night as he could with him before he passed away.

Small private update:

Small private update:

I got my husbang back yesterday.  When he got home, he showered, ate, and then crashed out a bit later.  He really needed the rest.

We spent almost all day today (with anxiety to the max) waiting to hear when FIL would be discharged from the hospital.  We thought that Shaun would be picking him up and taking him home.  Finally around 3 we called around and found out that he'd been discharged around noon and that the other relatives had gotten him home safe.  That's all fine and good, but some communication would have been nice.

In any case, no one else could take him for his scan tomorrow, so Shaun packed up and went to spend the night with his dad so he could take him to his appointment.  At least it'll be quiet and he'll have a bed and food this time.  And thankfully, he'll be able to un-mask in his bedroom.

SUPPOSEDLY the results should be ready within 24 hours and we're supposed to know something on Tuesday.  To be honest, I'm going to be really pissed off if that is not the case.  FIL looks like he's knocking on death's door (not to be insensitive, but he's 81 with 10% heart function and AT LEAST Stage 3 lung cancer, so nothing about this is good).

Aside from that the not-knowing is making me so anxious that I can't even think.  I am not trying to make this about me, but I will admit to not studying as much as I should have for that last quiz I bombed.  I felt better about the material than the 2/10 I made on the quiz, but after I had technical difficulties on top of me already being frazzled, it was game over for real and I knew it.  I just can't concentrate.  I'm worried, scared, anxious, and my home life is not calm or normal with Shaun having to do so much.

AND I'm terrified of him catching COVID while being so selfless and caring because the relatives that keep popping in and out do not wear masks.  After we get results if it turns out that Shaun has to move in with his dad temporarily, that will change because he's not risking himself every day for their comfort.  He doesn't want to start pissing people off if we're going to need their help in the near future, though.  If we won't need them, then he'll take care of his dad on his terms, but otherwise we can't alienate people right now.  His dad would hate that, anyway.

I guess I'm out of things to say.  All of this sucks and I hate it.  I will never put my children though this.

This is another private post about my father-in-law (FIL) and his health.

This is another private post about my father-in-law (FIL) and his health.

Monday, FIL fell and laid in the floor for two and half hours until his brother-in-law found him.  They called a local relative and it took four people to get him up.  He said he didn't feel like he needed to see the doctor and went for a nap.  After he woke up he was no longer able to walk.  The relatives all convinced him that he needed to go to the hospital, so he did.

At the hospital they did CT scans on him.  We already knew about his lung cancer, but they saw something on his rib on the same side.  At first they thought it was a fracture from falling, but it turned out to be cancer on his rib which wasn't there a few weeks ago when he had his initial scan done.

FIL has remained hospitalized all week.  He's on an IV with nutrition in it (I'm sure there is a name for it, but I don't know what it is) to try to get his strength up (he hadn't been eating much due to nausea and vomiting).  He was supposed to have a PET scan done on Wednesday to diagnose what stage cancer he has so that treatment (if possible) could begin, but the hospital said it would be cheaper for him to have it done as outpatient, so it hasn't been done.  Note:  We waited 2 weeks to get that appointment and it didn't happen.  I don't know if it was the hospital or FIL who refused to do the scan, but regardless, it didn't happen.

He's been at the hospital all week.  His brother-in-law and sister were staying with him (taking turns since only one person is allowed), but something (I'm not sure what) happened with his brother-in-law yesterday and they decided they had to go.

Note:  Shaun works night shift right now, from 2 am to 7 am (work is slow right now).  I dropped him off at the hospital at 10 yesterday morning and he's been there now over 24 hours alone with his dad.  He had a Soylent (400 calorie shake) yesterday morning and hasn't eaten since (he doesn't feel safe removing his mask).  He's slept only a few minutes at a time.  He's been masked for 24 hours and his ears hurt.  He is miserable.  But his dad called us yesterday morning, sounding like he was at death's door and said that he needed Shaun.  So like a good son, he went.

They spoke to a social worker yesterday about his dad going to a nursing home rehab for three weeks to be able to walk again.  As far as I knew that was the plan.  But then a doctor came in and said that doing that would further delay his scan and possible treatment, so they are still there today, waiting to speak to another social worker.  The plan for the moment is that they are doing home health so that he can get his scan and treatment started, and THEN go to rehab.

That is all fine and good, but home health can only do so much so family is going to have to help FIL until he goes to rehab.  Unfortunately, Shaun is the only one who's strong enough to lift FIL to help him and to pick him up if he falls again, so it's looking to me like I might be without my husbang for a while.  I am sad.  I hate knowing that Shaun is unhappy.  He is a kind soul and will take care of his father, but this is extremely stressful for him and basically his worst fear realized.  And of course I am stressed to death, as well - because of course I am.

Anyway, that is what's up with that whole situation.  Nothing is going well and I feel like the hospital is trying to kill FIL by delaying his scans and by extension his treatment.  It's been about a month since the biopsy was done to confirm it was cancer.  For fuck's sake, FIL is 81 and already in rough shape.  It seems like doing things in a timely manner would be essential to helping him.  Or maybe COVID is impacting things and if that's the case, it's really bad timing to be getting cancer.  I don't know.  But this is an awful situation and we're all struggling.

Unsurprisingly after the shit show that was my Tuesday morning...

I hope today gets better.

I hope today gets better.  I haven't slept well / much in the last two days.  I've also been exceptionally hot, to the point where I actually turned the air conditioner back on (we'd turned it off since the mornings have been cool recently).  Anyone who knows me knows that I don't get hot.  I wear long pants and hoodies in this Alabama heat.  I wear hoodies indoors 99% of the time.  There is always a blanket on me when I'm chilling on the couch.  But lately I am a sweaty mess.  After starting to cramp last night I'm thinking that these are fun new PMS symptoms.  Woohoo.  /sarcasm

Since I'm obviously feeling super great and rested and smart and patient, of course things went well with my quiz this morning.  I logged into the Team meeting and got called out for not having my webcam on, which was mandatory for taking the quiz.  But I had turned my camera on, and the switch at the top of the meeting showed that it was on; however, the screen where I should have appeared was black.  Just as well because when I tried to access the quiz with the password I couldn't do get it to work.  My computer froze up and crashed.  By this point I was far past flustered; I wasn't even sure I'd be allowed to take the quiz.  Thankfully, when I got booted up and rejoined the meeting (with a working camera this time), the professor let me take it.

There were only 4 questions and I made it through ONE.  Whatever happened with my computer, it wasn't a fast reboot and it was sluggish after that.  So opening the quiz took forever.  Me struggling through a problem took forever, as my anxiety was up and I was trying not to think about what the hell was wrong with my computer.  My concentration was gone.  Then when it was time to upload a photo of my work, that ALSO took forever.  It was awful and my grade is going to take a hit because of that.  (My teacher did give me the same amount of time as everyone else even though I joined the meeting a whopping 15 minutes late, but after struggling through one problem I knew that I wouldn't make it though a whole 'nother problem, especially with how slow my computer and my brain were running.)

ANYWAY.  I'm hoping that that was the worst part of my day.  If not, well, I don't even know.  But I hope your Tuesday started off less stressful than mine.

I wasn't the best at Networking, but I get this and it's funny.

I wasn't the best at Networking, but I get this and it's funny. Kind of want this shirt. 😂😂😂