hitting hard times :(

So I've done the unthinkable: re-homed a few of my pets. The last ferret I took in has gone to stay with my step-sister. He seems happier there. He lived alone before he came to me and I don't think living with Static and Stella was his cup of tea. So now he has free run of the house quite often and it seems to be working out for everyone. Honey and Milkshake now live with a dear friend. I just never got as attached to them as I did Hairy and Minuit. I think it was too soon... I was trying to help Minuit out by getting her a housemate, but then she died leaving the new rat alone so I ended up buying a newer rat to keep the new rat company. If I'd known Minuit was gonna die anyway I wouldn't have bought the first one to begin with. So that was just a thing I did that didn't work out as I'd hoped...

Anyway, I also sent my gliders to live elsewhere. There was some weirdness going on with them that I could just no longer deal with. A rat, a mouse, the last hermit crab, and the hamster have died. The last time I tried to post a memorial PhotoBucket was being a dick and I never came back to it. I guess I have some catching up to do.

I still have more of a houseful than I need, but I have a hard time parting ways with my kids. Speaking of fur kids something is wrong with Scooter and I hope, Hope, HOPE it works itself out SOON because I certainly do not have the money to take him to the vet. He's had diarrhea and been vomiting for like a week and I've done everything I know of to fix him. I haven't switched foods on him, I've given him dewormer (just in case), I've made sure there's nothing un-foody around that he could be getting into. I just don't know what else could be going on. I treated them all for fleas with CHEMICALS! - which I'm normally opposed to doing, but nothing else is working. The fleas are MONSTEROUS this year. 😟 I wonder if that could have jacked him up.

Speaking of diarrhea - Scooter's just been going where ever he goes. For the most part he's done pretty well considering that there's no one home to let him out mid-day anymore, but now that he's sick all bets are off. And he likes to do his business in the big room where the floor is concrete or cement or whatever. Which you know - is porous. It's like trying to mop up wet poo from a sidewalk or something - it just doesn't work. So my house smells like sickly shit right now and it pretty much grosses me out. I actually feel a little nauseated because of it. But I have not found a way to get it completely up - most of what I do seems to just... rub it in. Mayhaps that's something I can work on in a bit. Suggestions?

So it was brought to my attention...

that I haven't blogged in a while. That's pretty true. So here I am.

I've been stressed out lately which is just what I do sometimes - and WOW - has my skin shown it. It's like "Whoa, what happened to your FACE, man?" For serious. I've never been of the train of thought that looks were everything, but when I start looking like this it makes me want to hide under a rock. I look sickly. Like, with some chicken pox or measles or some shit. Boo. And just add to that my hair. Yep, I'm letting my hairs grow back and they are at that funny, awkward, "Haha, you can't do shit with me" stage. I either wear a hat or just have to let them stick out all over my head. It's great. Also, I'm graying, but I'm kind of excited about that.

Well, despite all of that crap I'm ok. I'm always ok. ... I'm just going to be ok.  Worst comes to worst I can get a roommate. I don't really want to as I'm enjoying having the house to myself, but I could if I really needed to. I sort of have other plans in the works for the almost clean and empty room I'm working on, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if someone else had to move into it. I guess it's good to have something to fall back on.

So I'm being a little strange lately... to myself, anyway. Maybe no one else would notice. But I ate a hamburger last night, quite intentionally. And a hot dog earlier in the week. And I haven't obsessively cut my nails every other day this week. I've been painting them daily to keep me from cutting them (which painting them is something I literally have not done in YEARS). And I shaved my legs, once, just because. And I'm growing my hairs. And I took out my giant earrings to shower, but I'm not putting them back right now. ... I think I'm just feeling somewhat experimental... like - just making sure I still know myself. Or what I like or not. Or maybe I'm bored. I really don't know. The best answer I have is that I feel like doing these things (damn the reason) and so I do them. It's kind of neat.

Aside from that people... well, mostly A people - has been introducing me to musics that rock my face off. I'm all over it. It's been a while since I've been so into music... most of what I was hearing was just not doing it for me at all. I'd become quite bored with music which is just fucking sad. Speaking of music... very soon (I hope) Shadow will start playing my drum set. He wants to, I want him to, I wanna do it with him... and it will be great fun if nothing else. I just have to get some stuff moved - which is what I was doing before I started blogging and probably what I'll be doing after I finish blogging, too. But yeah, I'm looking forward to that.

Speaking of looking forward to things... there are a few things happening that I'm all about. First of all - it's great weather for camping. I discovered this summer that I really like to do that so I want to do it some more. A LOT. Mayhaps I will just move to the woods for the fall. 😜 Also, there's a show coming up in November that I really want to go to. If I get to it will be my first show of the year. How pathetic, but oh well. From what I've seen this one will probably be awesome enough to make up for all the fun I've missed this year. Needless to say:  I'm excited.

All in all I'm struggling with a few things, but life feels right. Life feels good. Really good, even. I think you never know who your real friends are until you need them and I'm honestly shocked at how many people have just been there for me. I am SO not complaining and I can't really even claim to understand WHY some of the people who are here, are, but I'm grateful. It's the best thing ever. Severiously.

And so... I think that is all.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared...

So... I've put myself into a situation where I'm going to be doing the whole "single parent" thing again. It was quite intentional (and necessary), but nonetheless I'm a little scared. It's been a while since I've been completely on my own.

I remember when I first moved out by myself (well, with Shadow). I was like, "Whoa, how the fuck do people DO this??" But I did it and I was ok. Now, it's kind of like that - but different. Whereas before I had nothing - now I have a lot to lose if I don't get things right. Mostly what I'm referring to, I suppose, is my house. It's not the greatest thing ever, but it's home. Even if I do stay caught up on my bills I don't have much left over for repairs. And believe me - there are a lot of them stacking up.

In March I quit working 3 jobs. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I wasn't being treated very nicely and it was so hard to juggle it all. With school starting back soon and no babysitter on call three jobs wouldn't be an option for me right now if I wanted it to. I'm feeling pretty grateful for that, though, seeing as how time off is a lot more valuable to me when I have good friends to spend it with.

Also, I have two cars. Neither of them are running at the moment. Both of my parents are working to help me with them and I greatly appreciate it. I just wish I had something reliable to drive. I think I've been stranded, like, 5 times this month. It never lasts long, but it scares the shit out of me. It's not so great.

I've been thinking a lot about trying to get child support. I never tried to pursue that in all of Shadow's 8 years, but the more I think about it the more I want to. The main two things that have stopped me were: 1) I didn't want to be sued for joint custody or visitation or whatever, and 2) I knew Shadow's father wouldn't hold a job and would probably end up in jail. So, it's been pointed out to me that 1) He calls and I let him talk to Shadow regardless / he's a felon on house arrest anyway so it's not likely that he would be able to get custody, and 2) If he'd been in jail all this time he probably wouldn't have so many other kids running around right now. (Btw, I'm not shit-talking him - he's a really nice guy. Just in trouble a lot).

I'm still on the fence on this one. Maybe I'm too nice. Maybe I'm reaching a point in my life where I'm tired of being nice and getting walked on. For what it's worth, though, he's had plenty of time (8 years!) to get his shit together and "help us" like he's promised to do since Shadow was born and all he does is get into more trouble. I think I'm just really losing patience with this whole "one day" mentality that's floating around me.

So I'm preparing for things to be kind of tight around here. It breaks my heart to think of it, but I might have to re-home some of my pets. Probably definitely the ferrets because their food is so much more expensive than anyone else's. I'm not all that attached to my girl ratties (even though they're not much trouble) - after Hairy and Minuit passed it just hasn't been the same. I hate to admit it, but I've just not been able to get close to them. I've got a bunch of cages and stuff that I'll probably post up on Craigslist or something... if I don't get them out of my house I know I'll be tempted to fill them again. No harm in removing them and making a few bucks, right?

You know, I have a really awesome job and it's not like I'm broke as fuck... I think I'm just starting to freak out a little because I won't have anyone to fall back on. Just me to blame if shit doesn't go as planned. While I'm really looking forward to the near future - I'm nervous. I haven't been "on my own" in probably pushing 3 years. I guess it's time to buckle down and see if I'm still as resilient as I used to be. I sure as hell hope so.

I want:

to dance until I can't move another muscle.

to fuck until I'm spent.

to run until there's nowhere left to go.

to scream until my voice is gone.

to fight and to bleed.

to play and smile and laugh.

things I cannot have. So don't mind me. I'm just going to hide out and cry and then tell myself that I'm ok. Because I will be. I'm so close. It's just out of reach. I've just gotta let this moment pass.

I feel...

like a kid again.

AND I LOVE IT.

hanging out until morning comes

sunrise on the porch

more smiles and laughter than I can ever remember

changes I finally have the courage to make

movies that even Shadow can watch

friends who are not bothered by my dogs

having my head petted

did I mention the smiles?

I seriously haven't felt so light-hearted in like, 9 years. Thanks to the 3 bestest pals in the whole wide world.

Rest In Peace, Toad

Sweet little Toad - you were Shadow's baby. I think the only reason he's not completely freaking out right now is because he's known for a while that you were sick. He's been preparing for this for a while because you are a fighter. You held on longer than any of us thought you would and it was pretty amazing.

The look on his face was so sad when I broke the news. He had to pet your little head one last time. I wish you hadn't had to leave us, but I'm sure your little tumor made you very uncomfortable. If you had been younger and in better shape I would have totally found a way to have that removed, I swear. Thank you for being so sweet to him. He really loved you. We all did.

Blu angry!

Last night we let our dogs out to play in our FENCED IN YARD that me and 3 GREAT friends busted our arses putting up about two weeks ago. It's been AWESOME. It's been so awesome that I haven't even wanted to come inside to blog about how awesome it is. I'd just rather hang out all day in my yard WITH MY DOGS.

So anyway - yesterday evening. Nick found a hole in the fence and the neighbors dog in our yard. He shooed him out, but when he came back he was chewing on the hole. So yeah. The neighbors weenie dog has chewed a Scruffy-sized hole in the fence. Imagine how angry I am! That is all I've wanted for like, the entire two fucking years I've lived here! And now it's fucked up in just two weeks!

I went over and talked to the neighbor. She said that she would keep her dog on a leash if he's outside. Later that night I'm on my porch talking to a friend and the dog barks at me. Of course. Then she comes out calling him to come in. This happened several times throughout the course of the night. Yeah, he was so on a leash all that time, right? Well guess what. There's ANOTHER fucking hole in my fence!

I'm so angry. One hole - oh well - I'll patch it up somehow and life will go on. Two holes after you say you're going to do something and don't... well, that's pushing me a little farther than I'm prepared to be nice about at the moment. I will be going back over there when I get home this afternoon and I will be nice. But if something doesn't change I will calling the authorities to find out if there are any leash laws, which they are clearly breaking. And I will look into taking this to small claims. I'm not about to have my happy place destroyed by someone else's irresponsibility.