Out of the Blū

Thursday, March 12, 2026

Last night I did some research (with AI)...

Last night I did some research (with AI) on PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy/Pervasive Demand for Autonomy) as it relates to Autism and I'm pretty sure I have that. I spent most of my 20s/30s proclaiming "I do what I want!" in response to many things. 😆 If you knew me then or were an online friend, then you probably heard that or saw it written at some point.

I know that sounds silly, but that is also not the only reason I identify with that profile. I read that the call could also be coming from inside the house, and that the best way to change that (even for tasks you WANT to do), is to change the language surrounding it.

I had previously mentioned that I have an ever-growing To-Do list (including things I want to do so that I don't have to hold them in my brain), so my most recent strategy was to put some of the tasks on my calendar to do on certain days to see if I could motivate myself that way. Big shock: I could not. I did a few things at first (as usual), then got tired of having tasks blowing up my phone and started ignoring them. Then I started feeling "behind", of course. It became stressful.

SO... last night I was thinking of my list. And I tried following the advice of changing the language around my tasks. Instead of "I NEED to repot my plants" I changed it to "I CHOOSE to repot my plants." Instead of "I SHOULD add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app", I thought "I WANT to add my swatched polishes and storage location to the PATT app." And it's crazy because I DO want to do those things, but by thinking of them as "needs" or "shoulds", it makes the task heavier and harder to start. It becomes a demand, and I avoid it - even though it's a thing I placed solely on myself.

I can't say that the shift in thinking directly caused this, but I woke up earlier than I usually do, and I felt MUCH lighter. I didn't actually even DO anything. I was just thinking about my list before bed. Nothing got checked off; I just changed how I thought about it, and it felt nicer somehow. So there is that.

I am also trying to learn not to use cortisol/adrenaline to get myself to start tasks (like by procrastinating and doing things at the last minute). It creates a shame cycle and it's an unhealthy way to cope that I am hoping to stop. I am not a lazy person. I love to do things. I love to learn and to feel accomplished and feel peaceful in my space (because I cleaned it or whatever). But I get stuck often and that could be related to low dopamine, which tracks because I usually start dopamine-seeking when I'm stuck by scrolling the Internet or shopping online - which are not healthy coping mechanisms, either.

I have been starting my days by having tea in the greenhouse - to kind of pre-load some dopamine in a healthy way while simultaneously getting some sunshine in my eyeballs. I haven't been able to stick to it every day, but I will keep trying. I notice that I do feel more peaceful on the days I do it.

So there is that. I don't know if any of this information could be useful to anyone else, but if you feel like you're terrible at sticking to things and procrastinate often and avoid even tasks you'd like to do, then maybe try being a little nicer to yourself and also reframe your thinking a bit. Couldn't hurt to try!

Wednesday, March 11, 2026

I see a lot of people speaking out against AI, but...

I see a lot of people speaking out against AI, but I have been using it since my Autism assessment. I wanted to understand how I feel and why, and the physical ways it's been manifesting.

I have been reading about Autism for years, trying to understand how/if I fit into the category of Autistic. It all felt very unclear. Getting the official diagnosis made me feel very validated and hopeful that my future could be less hard than my past, but I had a lot of questions and no immediate outlet for them.

A lot of you will say this is stupid, but I gave AI the completed assessment from my doctor. I asked it to explain some things to me. I asked about how specific past situations in my life might fit with that assessment. Why did a thing go the way it did? Why did I feel this way after the things that happened on X day? Why don't the suggestions from other people ever work for me?

It has brought me a lot of clarity and understanding. I now know what a dopamine crash is, as well as how to prevent it. I now know that due to my scores on certain parts of the assessment, that I am highly rigid and also probably struggle with PDA as well as Executive Dysfunction. I now know that "going for walks when switching contexts" doesn't work for me because it's not that simple - it's choosing clothes, putting on sunscreen, choosing where to go, then dealing with more input in a different environment; basically, it's MORE WORK TO DO.

AI has recommended that I nap for 20-30 minutes between tasks and honestly, even if I don't sleep - just laying under my weighted blanket and relaxing and not being perceived helps SO MUCH. Specifically, going to my bedroom to rest is what works. Couch naps are "junk rest" and do leave me feeling more crappy, so I'm done taking them.

I'm not saying that I am using AI in place of therapy - I'm not. The minute I got my results, I emailed my therapist to see if she could provide the type of therapy that I need (and I'm waiting to hear back). But this has been very eye-opening and helpful while I wait. I have to learn to manage this sooner rather than later. I am not ok. I go through cycles of being ok, but then I crash, and I have to stop that because as I age it is taking more and more time to recover. I literally can't live like this anymore now that I know without doubt that I'm built different and that there are better ways for me to exist.

Again, I don't think that my usage of AI is frivolous. I know very well that it can be telling me what I want to hear. But I am also a very skeptical person and if it says something that doesn't make sense, I challenge it and / or do other research.

I don't know. It just feels nice to have a direction for now, and the tips it's been giving have been very helpful so far. I will eventually learn to manage myself on my own, but for now I'm using every tool available to me. Even AI.

Tuesday, March 10, 2026

Well. There we go.

ADHD wasn't confirmed, but it's harder for women to get diagnosed with that, anyway.

This doesn't feel life-changing or anything. It just feels like it explains a bunch of things that were never in my control. I feel pretty relieved, actually.

Monday, March 9, 2026

I have the nicest, most patient UI/UX teacher IN THE LAND...

I have the nicest, most patient UI/UX teacher IN THE LAND because I swear I'm out here MISunderstanding the assignments - repeatedly.

There is a process we're following, and the first step was deciding what to design, then to gather information. Got it, no problem, done. ✅ Now we're doing layouts.

Our homework was to do hand-drawn sketches of what the app might look like on a mobile phone. So I did the first sketch. They said it was a "rough" and it was fine if it was messy.

Tonight, they had me re-do it using a program and said I could type the words, so I did it. One of the instructors said the bottom was a little confusing, so I fixed it. But you can tell it's hand-drawn because it's crooked. Second image - Done! ✅

My teacher met with me and did the third drawing in the same program. I thought I was supposed to keep it as hand-drawn as possible, so I didn't use the rectangles/squares tools. Okay, it definitely looks nice.

But... When we got off the chat, I was like "She just re-drew what I drew." And Shaun disagreed. And I'm like "THEY ARE THE SAME THING!" And Shaun was like "You don't literally mean that, do you?"

But like, yes?

And she did a few versions and was like "Maybe there's an image here or a video there." And I'm like "What image and what video? We didn't discuss that. We don't have that."

And it has been explained to me that I'm supposed to be making this stuff up out of my head. But literally, nobody told me that. And how do you know if the image will fit? Or the video? We don't have any of that already. I made the design based off the information I had.

I made the whole Polish ALL the Things! app without doing this process. I made the things I wanted and then arranged them like puzzle pieces. My navigation bar is alphabetized. Shaun said this class definitely isn't how I normally work (though my work turns out great), and also that it's weird that my navigation is alphabetical.

I know this is going to sound so crazy, but I don't think I've ever struggled so hard to understand what I was supposed to do. Shaun said that I'm thinking extremely literally, and my teacher agreed. She said she struggled with this before, too, so thankfully she is working with me. But I just feel like the biggest asshole, although I'm not being intentionally obstinate.