Disconnected

That's what I feel. That's what I don't want to be. Here's a question: Why is there so fucking much to living?? Why does there have to be?? There doesn't. Whoever the fuck thought it was a good idea to do anything more than grow your own fucking food and sit on the porch with your family was a moron. You get so caught up in everything else... taking care of everything else - that you find yourself disconnected from the things that you love... the reasons that you bust your ass in the first place. It's stupid. You take care of the ones you love in so many other ways that you neglect the important parts. Then you realize it and hate yourself.

Society today sucks. I can't wait for the changes. If you don't know what I'm talking about, well, don't worry - neither do I. I just know it's coming. Things can't go on like this forever. I'm starting to feel certain that I'll be alive for the time when things do change and whatever it is it will be a welcome break. Fuck all this working shit. My Shadow's no longer my Shadow - not even on the sunny days because I'm stuck in a cold gray office 40 hours per week. I didn't even take one day off while he was out on spring break to hang with him. I regret that. Nick was not feeling well today and I wanted nothing more than to stay home and comfort him. When he softly kissed my cheek goodbye this morning I almost would've rather died than have to walk away.

I've noticed that I do my most "profound" thinking first thing in the morning... either that or I'm still half asleep and dreaming. This morning as I poured my Coke over ice I wondered to myself if I was feeling sort of the way an alcoholic does... wanting that first sip, knowing it will somehow help me through the day. Feeling disconnected, pouring away.

So when our father's from another planet come back to enslave us I really hope they're kind enough to give us a porch and a deck of cards. Keep us in our primitive little tribes, or families. Let us play cards after a hard days work if we've earned it. Wouldn't it be nice? Not have to worry about anything else? Just do what's necessary to live and spend time with the ones who matter?? I think it would be great. THAT would be the life. I feel that I should be preparing for whatever may come. Learn how to NOT kill plants. I can take care of my animals, but I have NO green thumb, whatsoever. Learn to can and freeze food - just in case.

I don't know what it's going to be like. With global warming hopefully the weather will be pleasant in the winter. I don't like being cold and I don't know if there will be electricity. The need to get a fence is more urgent than ever to keep animals and other people from stealing out of the garden I will have. I don't know if people will come together or fight each other to survive. So I may need a gun. Maybe Shadow will have reached his adult size by the time things change so that we won't have to worry about getting him bigger clothes all the time. Yes, if things change drastically he's staying with me for as long as he wants to. Hopefully, it will be necessary to stick together and take care of each other. That's my place in life anyway. I'm never happier than when I'm caring for another. Speaking of Shadow, though, what about birth control?? I wonder how we'll do that... if clinic's will be functional. Who knows?? It's scary, but exhilarating. I can't wait. I'm just biding my time and waiting for something better.

Some days, like today, I feel like I should just say, "Fuck it all. I do what I want." And honestly I feel like we should all be able to. What's the deal with sacrificing your sanity for "modern conveniences"? It's stupid. And it's not convenient at all. You can't just decide to no longer work and not have electricity. You can't choose to live that way. That shit will get your kids taken from you in a heartbeat. Nobody seems to realize or care, but WE, AS INDIVIDUALS, DON'T HAVE A CHOICE anymore. That's why people become hobos and shit. At least some of them. They're tired of it all. And I can't blame them. The hobos are definitely gonna survive when things change. You better be nice to them now 'cause they'll be a time when they might need to have mercy on you. Think about THAT.

I'm done.

*burps*

So I just got home... it's just me and my kiddo for now. It's nice to have him home... he's spent the night away several times this week due to spring break. I've missed him.

On the way home from PetSmart he rode in the front seat with me. Emma had just thrown up in the back so he didn't want to sit back there. We talked a lot. It was nice.

I just ordered pizza because I'm tired of being out and I've got a ton to do here. Nothing pleasant; mostly just cleaning that I've neglected all week. Oh, and the ferrets. I don't really see Friday as a great day to go out or hang out because I'm always exhausted from the week by then so that's my ferret-cleaning day. May as well get it over with so that if I have guests over during the rest of the weekend my house won't smell ferret-tacular. Don't get me wrong; I like ferret musk. But there's six in our house right now and it can be a bit overwhelming if not tended to.

My carpet looks so disgusting. It's needs a good shampooing. But I'm not doing it until the bathroom is fixed so that I can put Scooty back in there during the day. He'd pee on my clean carpet I just know.

I need to hang out with Hairy. I haven't held her in like two days. That's not cool. 😕

Anyway...

Good day.

So today was pretty good. I got up on time for once and actually made it to work on time, too. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get ready for work with a giant dog trying to wedge her way into your lap?? I do. 😂  But that's ok. Luvvins make my day go better.

Also, I had a job interview for a part-time weekend position and I got the job. I'm pretty excited. Pitifully, it pays MUCH better than my full-time job... but anyway. It'll help and I'll enjoy it so that's good.

On the way home me and Nick saw what we believe to be a groundhog. I saw it yesterday in the same area, but he didn't. The best way I could describe it to him was a really fat squirrel or a bizarre-looking cat (I only saw it from behind). But he saw it today and we actually stopped to get out and take pictures. It left before we could get to it. It was cute, though!

Then we went to see "Black Snake Moan." That was a pretty good movie. Today was it's last day here... well, in Gadsden (did you know that they have a couch in their bathroom?!?). I HAD to see it, though. You get to see Christina Ricci's boobies. 😀 And Justin Timberlake is a terrible actor. But anyway. Still a good movie.

Then we had a romantic dinner at Popeye's. Yes, it was lovely. We were both hungry. VERY hungry. So we ate. And it was good. 😋

Aside from two pretty awesome, unexpected conversations that was my good day! Now I'm getting ready for bed - I'm pooped.

Birthdays and parties and such.

As most of my friends know yesterday was Shadow's birthday. He's getting so close to double-digits that it's scary. 😲 Anyway, I think he had a pretty good day. Nick went ahead and gave him his presents instead of making him wait until today at his party. He seemed to like them. He also got a few "Happy Birthday" comments and messages which seemed to make him happy. Thanks to all who thought of him. 😊

Other than that I can't really think of anything else noteworthy yesterday other than some phone calls. My mom called first thing in the morning which just seemed to make his day. After school his father called (more on that later). Jajuan called all the way from China to wish him a happy day and that was really sweet. And finally, my brother called at about 10 pm. He's in Hawaii so there's a time difference and he didn't get a chance to call any earlier (he's in the Army so you could imagine how that goes). Though Shadow looked a little stunned when I woke him up to take the call I think he enjoyed hearing from his Uncle Cade. 😀 He always does.

So back to the phone call with his father. When Shadow answered he was all "Who's this?" Then he smiled all big. That's ok, but I just hate that he'll have his feelings hurt again when he doesn't hear from him anymore until next year. Even if he does it doesn't last but maybe a month anyway. 😕 Well, they talked for a few then hung up. His father called back a bit later and said that someone else wanted to talk to Shadow. I correctly assumed that it was one of his half-sisters. Shadow was standing near me so I could hear the conversation. It went like this:

Phoenix: Happy birthday, Shadow.

Shadow: Thank you.

Phoenix: I miss you, Shadow.

Shadow: I know.

Phoenix: I love you, Shadow.

Shadow: Thank you.

Seriously. Isn't that sad? He's never even met his little half sister before, but apparently his father's trying to make them out to be close or something. I felt bad for her that she wasn't getting "I love you, toos" and "I miss you, toos" back, but Shadow simply doesn't know her. And I know she wouldn't have said any of those things if they hadn't told her to. I really don't think that they should have - that's only going to hurt her in the end.

Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. Today was Shadow's party and it went pretty well, I think. He (and the rest of the kids there) seemed to have a lot of fun. I'm really glad. I had a good time, too. It was nice to see people that I don't usually get to see. Ok, enough blabber. On to the pictures!

Shadow's super awesome red velvet The Punisher / GhostRider / flame birthday cake. Yes, that was his idea. 😂

Shadow blowing out his candles.

Group photo, but I think some of the kids were missing. 😕

And there you go!

Cute pics I took today...

This is the laziest dog fight I've ever seen in my life. 😂

Recent pics of my piggy pigs... they're so fat!

Hairy... being his / her usual adorable self. 😍

Neo, looking pretty.

chicken

I saw a picture of a baby chicken today and it made me want one. I like baby chickens. They are so sweet. 😊 I grew up with chickens... my dad fought them. (I never saw him do it, though; I just knew that he did). I know (now) that it's illegal, but back then I didn't. I was a kid.

Anyhoo, he kept females to mate with his big manly males so that he could raise more big manly fighting chickens. Well, sometimes the baby chicks, or "biddies," as he'd call them would get separated from the mama hen and since there were usually a few with chicks and we didn't know where it came from I'd take it in. I would hold it and love it. I'd walk with it in the grass and show it bugs to eat. I'd sneak it in the house and nap with it. They would always nestle up under my neck because it was warm, I guess. There down is SO soft against your skin. And let me tell ya - there's nothing sweeter than the little content chirps of a baby chicken. 😍

Sometimes due to all of the chickens in the yard owls and hawks would come around looking for a snack. My dad would always run out with a shot gun to scare it off or kill it, whichever he could manage. One afternoon after such an event occurred the night before I was outside helping dad feed the chickens and such and he said he might have to kill one - that he thought an owl had hurt it bad enough that it wouldn't live. I cried and begged him not to. He said, "Well baby, look at it's eye. She can't see to take care of herself."

Sure enough her eye was just gone among a miscellaneous other few minor-looking injuries. I pleaded with him to let me keep her. And he did. So I named her SugarBaby. I hand-fed her and nursed her until she seemed much better. She ended up being able to walk and stuff, though sometimes a little crooked. She could even find her own food; it just often took her a few tries to pick up what she was going for. She lived pretty much like a normal chicken by the time I was done with her, though. 😀

Before it was all over with we became good friends. She would even come when I called her name. Every day after school she'd wait at the bottom of the driveway for me to get off the bus. If I didn't have too much in my arms I'd just carry her back up the hill and pet her. When me and my mom went anywhere and came back she'd chase the car back up the driveway (clucking and flapping her wings the whole time) and wait for us to get out. Needless to say I was very sad when she finally died. I miss her crazy one-eyed self.

THE END

PAP SMEARS AND SUCH

TERMS YOU NEED TO KNOW FOR TODAY'S LESSON:

ParaGard - Copper IUD that contains no hormones and can be worn for 10 years. Prevents pregnancy, but fertility returns almost immediately after it's removal. Check monthly for strings to make sure it's in place. Must be inserted and removed by a professional.

Mirena - Hormonal IUD that releases a low dose of hormone (not estrogen) and can be worn for up to 5 years. Prevents pregnancy, but fertility returns almost immediately after it's removal. Check monthly for strings to make sure it's in place. Must be inserted and removed by a professional.

NuvaRing - Ring worn in the vagina for 3 weeks, removed for 1. Lather, rinse, repeat (with a new ring). Releases hormones (with estrogen) which are absorbed by the vagina and prevent pregnancy. Fertility returns almost immediately after its removal. You put it in and remove it yourself.

So there's the skinny on that. And now here's my story.

I went to the health department Friday. I've been needing to go pretty bad. Back when I had Shadow was the last time I had a pap smear. Well it came back abnormal and they went in and froze some pre-cancerous cells off my girly parts. I was supposed to go back to have it re-checked to make sure they didn't grow back, but I never did. I just wanted to be left alone. So here it is - 7 years later - and I finally had the balls to go. There were two things that motivated me enough that I finally made the appointment: 1] I want an IUD (which I may or may not be able to get depending on the pap test results) and 2] something was amiss in my girl guts.

Well they seem reluctant to give me an IUD - perhaps having something to do with my lack of getting an annual pap smear. (I would SO go if that's what it took, though). Also they say it hurts and that it costs a lot (because I don't have insurance), and that it's not worth it if you don't keep it in for as long as it's good, and blah blah blah. I completely research things before I make up my mind on them and I feel certain that would be the best thing for me. I think it would be awesome to not have to worry about birth control for 5 or 10 years. But anyway - it's not like it will be immediately if I do get it. I've gotta wait two weeks for my test results and then (if everything's normal and I can have one) they'll have to order it and then schedule an appointment for me to have it put in.

So as a lovely parting gift the doc gave me a 3 month supply of the NuvaRing which promptly made me sick (I think). I've never been on birth control before IN MY LIFE. I've always been against hormonal methods (not for everyone - just as something I didn't want) so my original plan was to get a ParaGard. No one around here seems to want to place those for some reason. I tried once last year to get one and I failed then, too. After some thought, though, I figured I'd give the Mirena (the hormonal IUD) a try. (Those seem easier to get around here - unless you're me). But since I'm going far enough to try hormones - why not try the NuvaRing? Well it does have estrogen, (unlike the Mirena), but it's localized and shit. So I was like, "What the hell? Give it here."

I've had a really jacked-up weekend as far as my eating and sleeping schedule goes. And I had a lot I felt like I needed to do so I was a bit stressed. I've been nauseated and head-achy on and off all weekend (which for me is usually brought on by not eating and sleeping right, and stress), and although those are listed side effects to the NuvaRing (right at first, anyway), I'm hesitant to blame all of that on it. (I put it in on Friday, btw). Even if the ring is what jacked me up for what it's worth I'm feeling fine now and the illness this weekend wasn't anything some Coke and Excedrin couldn't handle.

As long as nothing crazy goes on with me I might just keep it. I can't feel it or anything. Also I've read that if you wear one all the time and don't take a week off that you won't have your period. The doctor I was talking to actually tried to convince me to try it with that argument, but I like my lady times of the month so she had to try a different approach. Well, anyone out there have any recommended forms of BC or stories about it? Questions, comments, concerns???

Life in General / Dogs

I am soooo tired. I've been going non-stop all weekend. But I got a lot accomplished so it was well worth it.

In other news Shadow's birthday is coming up in two weeks. He will be 7. He's growing up on me. I know - I say that every year; but he never stops so it's always true. He's having a bigger party than he ever has... I'm not really good at planning these kinds of events and crap. But it's going to be at Party Central and they do all the decorating and stuff. All I have to bring is the kid and the cake. They even gave me invitations to pass out. This will probably be the easiest party I've ever been responsible for, but hey, I'm paying enough for it. 😳 Seriously.

So my nose hurts. It started feeling over the weekend like I was getting a sore in it and now the outside of it is starting to swell a bit. It sucks. You probably wouldn't notice the swelling if I didn't mention it, but it's really sore so I've been complaining. *shrugs* I have.

First off, Emma's doing well with her crate. I didn't really think I'd be able to keep her in a crate because I'd feel too bad about it, but I don't. She seems to enjoy having a spot in the house to herself. She'll go in when we say "Crate, Emma" and then sit there and wag her tail. She doesn't even yelp to get out unless it's early in the morning and she probably only does it then because she needs to use the bathroom. 

She's a lot easier to deal with lately and I'm not sure if that has something to do with her being in a crate or not. I feel bad for her because the longer I have her the more obvious it is that she was never taught much in the way of doggie manners or anything. So I've been working with her a lot and she's doing well. She'll sit (that's nothing new, though), and she'll now stand up and lay down on command. I'll probably try to start with "Stay" this week, and also, tons more leash training. She's coming along. All in all she's a really good dog and I'm glad I got her. I think she just needed some guidance and discipline.

Speaking of good dogs I'm not keeping Scooty in a crate. I know that may sound unfair, but they're completely different dogs with completely different personalities. Scooter's always stayed in one room while we were away (usually the bathroom) and the most he's ever done was mangle the toilet paper and chew the molding on the corner when he was teething. He froze up and just stared out when I put him in a crate the day the floor was ripped up; shortly after that, Nick and I decided that it just wasn't fair. He'd proven himself trustworthy before. So he's not in a crate; he's in my bedroom until the bathroom floor is repaired. (I'm sure the floor in the bathroom sticking up and such would just be too much temptation for him to resist.) But as soon as it's taken care of it's back to the bathroom with him. 

There's carpet in my bedroom which makes the occasional accident a bit more of a pain to clean up. I'm even considering letting him and Emma sleep in the bathroom together so long as they sleep and don't tear up everything. One of my reasons for getting her, after all, was to keep Scoot company. With things as they are right now they only get to hang out in the afternoons. Hopefully, that will all change soon. I looked in the garage and we do have some leftover linoleum that matches the bathroom. We just have to find the time to put it down.

Anyway...