I think the kids had an alright Halloween. 🙂

I think the kids had an alright Halloween. 🙂 Shadow went off to do things with his guy friends and just informed us that he had a lot of fun.  Shaun and I took Kira and two of her friends Trick-or-Treating. She got to meet a couple of my friends (briefly), but it was still nice. 🙂

I think the highlight of my night was when I gave a kid dressed as a clown $1 to chase one of Kira's friends (who kept saying repeatedly that she was scared of clowns). I don't usually do stuff like that, but she sure was able to dish out messing with people, so it was only fair. LOL I ended up getting a BOGO deal on the clowns because another kid dressed as a clown saw her running and joined in, for free! 😂😂😂

After that we visited my mom and had Halloween dinner. Yes, that is a thing we do. Mom had cupcakes for dessert and Kira got all teary. She said it was so beautiful. 😂😂😂 I don't know what the deal is with that girl and cupcakes (this is not the first time that has happened), but her quirks endear her to us and we just love her to pieces.

Overall, it was a good night. I hope all of you guys have had fun and stayed safe, as well. Happy Halloween! 💀 🎃 🕸️

Edited to Add:  BREAKING NEWS!  I didn't get a BOGO on the clowns.  Shaun had asked the other clown to chase her, too, and they got there at the same time. So it was a team effort.  I wasn't aware before now.  His did it for free, though.  LOL

My mom today.

My mom today. Screen cap because it isn't public, but the world needs to see this. Doing Halloween right! 😃 I love this woman.

My mom and Kira...

My mom and Kira painted some dolls up for Halloween. Kira's is on the right. She did a great job!

Kira and Shaun's Jack-O-Lanterns.

Kira and Shaun's Jack-O-Lanterns. They turned out really awesome.  That was Kira's first!

Just dropped my old puppy girl off at the vet.

Just dropped my old puppy girl (Emma) off at the vet.  She's better than she was, but I can tell she still feels like crap.  🙁  I know she's in good hands, but I HATE leaving her.  I would have stayed if I thought I could get away with missing school, but I've missed a lot just due to my own self.  Blegh.  Can't wait until this afternoon is here and I can have her back home.

Nap acquired.

I'm home from school. My day has gotten a little better.

I'm home from school. My day has gotten a little better.

I talked to Dr. Kim today about what class I could take that might help me through Linear Algebra the next time I take it.  She suggested that I audit the Calculus series at JSU; unfortunately (fortunately?) I'm not the only person from Gadsden who has struggled in this way.  She thinks that seeing the more theoretical side of Calculus should help.  So, I am going to look into that.

Also, I think I might only take CS classes in the spring.  There are enough I can take that I've already met the pre-reqs for, so I can audit a Cal class (or two) and start preparing for the re-taking of Linear Algebra.  Also, instead of taking Intro to Advanced Math, which I thought would help me with Linear but actually probably won't - I think I am now shooting for taking Combinatorics as my other elective math.  For those of you who don't know, it's basically a counting class.  It probably would have come in handy to take that BEFORE Statistics, but oh well.

Anyway.  I've eaten and now I'm about to take some meds for my bones and possibly nap since my head hurts, too.  I have homework due tonight but I don't really feel like I can think at the moment, so hopefully I can do it later.  Maybe this Monday will be ok after all. Here's hoping.

I am wearing...

I am wearing leggings, cozy pajama pants, a long-sleeved shirt, the warmest jacket I have, and a hat.  I'm indoors and I'm still freezing.  My bones in general ache, but also my driving toe hurts, my lower back hurts (I can feel my spine popping in and out of place), and I'm drowsy.  All I've wanted to do for the last few days is stay in blankets and / or sleep.  There is a little over a month left in this semester and I honestly have no idea how I'm gonna get through it.

I had let the "going to UAB" thing slide because they set my appointment for after the dates they decided to help me within.  Now I'm thinking I will follow up with them and get my records sent over like they asked and see what I have to do to extend their help dates to accommodate my appointment.  I also might go to the Student Health Center about my back.  It really might also be time to start taking a whole Celexa instead of a half.

I don't know if this is normal or what for a person in their 30's to feel like they are falling apart this much in every way, but I am having a really hard time.  I have zero problems with putting in work, but this everyday struggle kind of stuff is wearing me down.  It only makes it worse to know that I'm not working a job and that I've dropped a class and I STILL feel like life is overwhelming.  I feel like I really should be able to handle what I've got going on.

Anyway.  I can't believe it's only Monday and I feel this way.  I hope the week is going better for y'all.  ❤

Halloween cat and Halloween pumpkin. Midna is so weird. 😂😂😂

Halloween cat and Halloween pumpkin. Midna is so weird. 😂😂😂 Kira isn't quite done carving her Jack-o-lantern yet, but Midna is all about it, regardless. She just wants to touch it and lick it and bite it. She is so silly. She doesn't seem to understand why it won't fit in her mouth. She's been doing this since last night.

I did some homework today.

Emma seems to be feeling a bit better.

Home from the vet.

Home from the vet. Emma's passed out. Her tonsils are inflamed. She's got 3 meds to help her feel better. If she doesn't make a drastic improvement over the weekend, he wants to see her back on Monday. Paws crossed that my old puppy girl feels better soon! ❤️

This is my favorite status background so far...

I'm exhausted. After school tomorrow...

I'm exhausted. After school tomorrow Emma's seeing the vet. So ready for the weekend.

Today was better, but I'm exhausted.

Get ready for a TMI story.

Get ready for a TMI story.  I was not going to post this because it is SUPER embarrassing, but I'm kinda of hitting a point where if I don't laugh I will cry.  Laugh at / with me.  Just laugh.  We could all use more of that, right?

So two weeks ago me and Shaun took Kira to a haunted house.  I haven't been to one since high school.  As we were going through I was laughing SO HARD.  I was having a great time, but well, I'm too logical to feel any bit of scared by that type of thing, so it was just funny to me.  But laughing isn't all I was doing.  I peed myself.  A LOT.

That was my first clue that I was still dealing with a UTI from a month ago.  The second (which maybe should have been the first) was that I was fatigued, but since that can be a symptom of Psoriatic Arthritis I just thought I was dealing with my regular life.  Went to the Student Health Center and that was not the case.  Pretty bad UTI still.  They didn't have any idea why I wasn't presenting more symptoms, but I wasn't.  So they prescribed me Macrobid this past Friday.

I started taking it and UGH.  I have felt so much worse.  Fever, nausea, chills, headache... it kind of ruined my weekend, but I can live with that. However, I missed a class yesterday and also missed tutoring.  I woke up today feeling super horrible.  I took some Tylenol for my head, sat on the couch nibbling crackers and sipping water, hoping to feel well enough to leave.  NO SUCH LUCK.

For whatever reason, today is the day that my body decided to vomit.  And vomit I did; quite suddenly.  I grabbed the trashcan next to the couch and puked my guts out.  I also peed.  A LOT.

All I can say is:  THANK GOODNESS FOR PUPPY PADS.

I've had one on the couch since shortly after the Haunted House incident.  This isn't happening all the time, thank goodness, but I never know when I'm going to laugh that hard (especially with Kira around because she's hilarious) or actually vomit, so better safe than sorry.  That is pretty funny, right?

I took some Excedrin after I puked and then napped.  I woke up in time to be late to my 2nd class of the day if I rushed.  Still feel bad (just not AS bad), so I missed it.  🙁  I have an appointment at the Student Health Center this afternoon, which I am looking forward to.  I did not make it to school today for any class, so I've now missed 3 classes this week.  NOT COOL.

We can only miss so many days before we don't get credit for the class at all and I'm getting worried about my numbers.  I think I've used up half of my absences for my Tuesday / Thursday classes already.  I have got to get right or I'm going to be in trouble, despite all of my hard work and effort this semester.

Anyway, like I said... I'm at the point where if I don't laugh I'll cry, so I'm desperately trying to have a sense of humor about all of this.  This whole semester has been ridiculously hard... if not due to the transition, then due to the material, or due to my physical health, or due to my mental health.  I don't necessarily believe in higher powers or any of that, but sometimes I feel like I'm being tested.  "How bad do you want to change your life, Blu?  Bad enough to hang in there despite _____ [insert whatever crap has just happened to me]?"

Well, yes, Universe. I want it that bad.  It ain't over 'til it's over and I'm still standing.  Perhaps depending on antidepressants, legit failing a class so bad I had to drop it, hunched over in pain, and in need of an adult diaper, but I am still here - staying the course.  That counts for something, right?

I love you, friends.  I hope life is going easier on y'all than it is on me.  If not, stay strong.  It will let up eventually.  It has to.  ❤

Called the Student Health Center because I feel so terrible.

Called the Student Health Center because I feel so terrible.  They put me on Macrobid on Friday.  I have felt so much worse since then.  I'm having fever and chills when I didn't before.  They said I could skip my morning dose of hell in pill form and that they would see me this afternoon.  I have never had an antibiotic make me feel so bad.

Dr. Kim is going to allow me to keep coming to class...

Dr. Kim is going to allow me to keep coming to class even though I dropped Linear Algebra today. I'm grateful.

I'm home from school.

I'm home from school.  Missed CS class because I couldn't drag myself out of bed in time.  Went to Linear Algebra because I don't dare miss that class.  Found out I made a 2/10 on the last quiz.  Went to the scholarship office for an update.  They let me drop it.  Got a stern warning that I wouldn't be able to do that again.  I wish I could say I felt relief or anything good, but I just don't right now.

I came home.  I didn't go to tutoring.  I am pretty sure I've been running a fever off and on since I've been awake.  Hot one minute, chills the next.  My antibiotic makes me nauseated and drowsy.  I'm taking a nap.  Maybe I will feel better physically, and better about life in general, when I wake up.  I sure hope so.

Emailed Dr. Kim to see if I could still come to class and take notes.  Maybe she'll let me.  I need to be as prepared as possible for the next go round with L.A., for I have been warned that there is no way out.  How's that for scary?

Hoping that between this book and this YouTube series...

Hoping that between this book and this YouTube series I will be able to pull my Linear Algebra grade out of the toilet. I ALMOST bought the "for Dummies" book because that's about how I feel right now, but the advert for this book said that it "didn't suck" and the people who left reviews seemed pretty happy with it. I'm excited to dig in.

I've only watched a couple of videos from the YouTube channel, but it's already clarified a lot. I can remember why I'm doing things a lot better when I know why I am doing them. Just throwing a bunch of symbols at me and expecting them to stick apparently does not work. 😕

(The YouTube channel is unrelated to the book, but one of the reviewers of the book said to watch these videos in their book review. THANK GOODNESS.)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kjBOesZCoqc

My Saturday evening...

My Saturday evening. I have this Discrete CS homework due, plus I have to get a presentation together on Fuzzy Logic. I really wanted an earlier start, but I was busy napping / sweating out a fever earlier. Doing my best, though.

Off and on today I've been catching up on shows with Shadow. I see a shower in my near future, too. I hope y'all are enjoying your evening. I'm making the most I can of mine. ❤

It's been a long week. I've been super tired.

It's been a long week.  I've been super tired.  Went to the doctor today and I'm battling an infection.  Again.  Or still.  I don't even know at this point.  The doctor is also slightly concerned about my liver, so they took blood and hopefully everything comes back fine next week.  Hopefully 2-ish years of methotrexate didn't wreck it.  Other news on the health front:  I feel my skin and bones getting ready to flare up; I'm not sure if it's weather or stress or what, but it's coming.  Yay. /sarcasm

The highlight of my week was Thursday.  Dr. Trifas invited Kira to come to class with me, and she did.  Dr. Trifas liked her a lot.  She emailed me today and told me how beautiful and genuine and smart Kira is.  Of course, we already knew that, but I'm glad that others see it, too.  🙂  She is interested in helping her get ready to take the ACT so hopefully we can work on some of that soon, but with her school schedule it might not be super easy.

We'll work it out, though.

Anyway, after my Discrete class was over I had to go and take my Stats test, so Kira went over to the library at JSU and waited for me to be done.  When I got over there we checked out quite a few art books that she was interested in.  Then we took an elevator selfie because the ceiling is a mirror, so why not?  LOL  THEN we had lunch together at TMB, picked up a few art supplies at the bookstore, and then walked around some.  Kira said she had a really good day, and I did, too.  I think she is thinking more about college stuff, so that is making my day.  😃❤❤

Ok, well, maybe Linear Algebra isn't going so well...

Can anyone tell me...

Anxiously awaiting the results of my Statistics test.

Anxiously awaiting the results of my Statistics test.  I felt mostly ok about it, but that means nothing.

I just checked my Linear Algebra average and it's a whopping 46.  ☹️☹️☹️  I am kind of back to hoping I can drop it.  I know that if I fail it I can re-take it, but I might have to take it with the same teacher; I'm not sure, so I will check on that tomorrow.

The guy who teaches it next semester has super low ratings, though, so even if I can take a different teacher it doesn't seem like it will be any better.  I'm kind of wondering if I can just save it for later.  I'm just feeling like there is no win for me right now.  😕

I have a Linear Algebra quiz tomorrow, so I guess I'm off to study - for all the good it will do.  I'm trying not to feel discouraged, but it's just about the middle of the semester and it doesn't seem like there is much saving to be done on that grade.  Wish me all the luck and brain power, please.  I need it.  ❤

Up studying.

I legit have about 5 calculators now.

I legit have about 5 calculators now.

I NEED THEM ALL!  😂😂😂😭😭😭

I talked to my Stats professor today after class.

I talked to my Stats professor today after class.  The way the points for the class are set up, it looks like I'll come out with a C if I do all of the labs (which I will), the bonus-point assignment that I signed up for (of course), AND make a 50 on the last 3 exams (which I am sure I can manage).  Anything above that and I'm headed towards a B.  Woohoo!

In that class if we don't miss an exam our final grade can replace a low test grade, so it's entirely POSSIBLE (though not probable) that I could come out with an A.  After the way this semester has gone, I'd be excited to come out with a C (which is passing for my major's purposes), but of course a B would be amazing.  I am doing ok in my two CS classes, so really it's Linear Algebra that I have to worry about.

So I'm finally starting to feel better about being at JSU.  I've walked around enough that I know where things are, I've figured out how a lot of stuff works, and I've been able to find a lot of help and support when I needed it.  Still haven't heard back about dropping a class and keeping scholarships, but since I found out that my GPA can take a temporary hit I'm not freaking out.

So with that, I'm off to finish my Stats labs and make sure I'm ready for the test we have on Thursday.  I have a Linear Algebra quiz on Friday, so I'll freak out about that once I find out what's on it tomorrow.  LOL

❤❤❤

Calculus did this to me. 😂😂😂

Calculus did this to me.  😂😂😂

Shaun was carving a little piece of wood...

Shaun was carving a little piece of wood. Then he gave it to me. This guy is the best. ❤️😍❤️😍❤️

I stopped by the Registrar's office today to ask a question.

I stopped by the Registrar's office today to ask a question.  That question was:  "If I make a bad grade and re-take the class, does the new grade replace the old one?"  The answer was yes, so I am breathing a sigh of relief.

I haven't yet heard back about dropping a class and being able to keep my scholarship, but as far as I know my scholarship only requires me to keep a 3.0.  My 3.8 can take a hit, especially if it's just temporary.  Still trying to do my best because I hate to waste time and money, but that adds a layer of security for me.  I was kind of bummed at the thought of dropping a class, anyway, especially if it's one I'm struggling with.  I feel like I want to stay in and see what I'm up against, you know?

So the panic-mode is deactivating.  Probably in part due to having knowledge and plans, and probably also in part due to Celexa.  In any case I do have some school work to do this weekend, but I am not going to freak out the whole time I'm doing it.  I hope y'all have a lovely weekend.  I am planning to have the best one I've had in a while.  🙂

Today has been basically a complete waste.

Today has been basically a complete waste. I didn't make it to any class, and I didn't find the kitten, and I haven't studied, and I'm gross and sick from being on the side of the road and under my car.

Super "Thank you" to my mom for coming to help me look for the kitten when I called.  Much appreciation goes out to Meia for taking me back and helping me look for the kitten again.  We had no luck, but are planning to try one more time tomorrow evening.  Beyond that I don't know what else to do except hope for the best.  Hopefully, I don't find it smashed on the side of the road on my way to school in the morning.  Right now that feels like it would be my luck.

Goodnight, friends, and thank you to everyone who wanted to help.  I'm sorry that I wasn't super available on the interwebs today, but shit was happening and I was trying my best to deal with it.  ❤

Kitten situation:

TRIGGER WARNING:  Animal Abuse
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Kitten situation:

I was in the left lane getting ready to pass someone.  There was a car in front of me, but not super close.  If I'm not mistaken it was red.  Next thing I know a kitten comes flying back towards my car.  I hit the brakes.  I saw it on the side of the road.  Young, white and orange and brown, blue eyes.  I stopped so close to it because it was right on the edge of the road.  I hesitated because I don't want someone to plow into me.  I panicked; couldn't find emergency flashers.  Said "screw it" and open the door.  No kitten.  My assumption was that it went under my car and hid.  Could not find it there.  Looked in the median.  Called my mom.  Moved my car out of the road.  Looked under it some more.  Looked across the road.  Took my car (super slowly) to Hero's parking lot to get out of the grass and away from the traffic noise to look some more.  Had to come home because the sun makes me sick. Looked on opposite side of the road on the way home.  Cannot find it.  Questioning my sanity.

I need help. Right now.

TRIGGER WARNING:  Animal Abuse

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I need help. Right now. Either I'm insane or the car in front of me just threw a kitten out of their window. I pulled over into the left median and I can't find it. I'm afraid it hid under my car. I can hear it when traffic dies down. I don't know what to do. Was heading from Anniston to Jacksonville. Someone come help me.

I was at school today from 8:45 until around 7:30 this evening.

I was at school today from 8:45 until around 7:30 this evening.  Classes ended at 11, but I went to the library to study after grabbing some lunch because I have a TON of catching up to do.  Didn't go as great as I wanted it to, but I did make some progress, thank goodness.

Not long after I got there an alarm went off telling us to get out of the building and not use the elevators.  So I packed up all of my stuff and carried it down 9 flights of stairs.  😳  Better than having to carry it UP the stairs, I suppose.  LOL  But after they let us back in it went off AGAIN.  I asked someone if I had to leave and he said I could take my safety into my own hands.  So I sat there and kept working.  Then the alarm went off again.  Then they let people come back in.  And then the alarm went off every few minutes after that for probably close to two hours.  It was terrible.  They kept turning it off and announcing over the intercom that we didn't have to leave.  Finally, they got the alarm to stop sounding, but left the emergency lights flashing, so that was distracting, but less horrible than being interrupted by a siren followed by a message to leave.

What is so bad is that I considered coming home several times, but I couldn't decide which place had more distractions.  LMAO  When the library is quiet it is REALLY nice.  I love it.  It is so soothing to my brain.

Anyway.  They said that the building was having a circuit problem or something.  I assumed if it was an actual life or death emergency they would announce as much over the intercom, or people would have seemed more panicked.  I just honest to goodness didn't have time for that mess today.  LOL

I probably shouldn't, but...

Rest in Peace, Beyonce. 😢

Rest in Peace, Beyonce.  😢

Liver failure got her.  We're not sure what it was due to, but the vet said it would have been hard to treat her because of how wild she was.  I wish we could have done more for her; I'm gonna miss seeing my ghosty kitty around.  When she let Shaun pet her Monday night I knew she was not ok.  I didn't know it was that serious, though.  ☹️

Despite not being able to get my car out of the yard...

Despite not being able to get my car out of the yard without Shaun's help I made it to school in time for my second class, which was Linear Algebra.  Thank goodness because I definitely wouldn't want to miss it - especially if I can't drop it.

I also met my tutors today.  My appointments with them weren't until 1 and 2, but I went straight to the tutoring lab to study as soon as Linear Algebra was over at 11.  It was SO NICE to have some peace and quiet.  I don't think I realized how much of a difference that would make.

I know I said that I was going to stay at the school to study like, a week ago, but I kept making excuses to come home.  Knowing I had to meet someone made it a lot easier to stay.  I am hoping that I will be able to convince myself to stay the rest of this week, as well, but who knows?  I am feeling more able to cope with my life at the moment, so hopefully I will make good decisions.

In any case I feel like I'm on the mend and slowly climbing my way back up the mountain of things I let slide.  It is not a fun place to be and it's a lot of work, but it's definitely better than sitting at the bottom feeling helpless and watching the mountain grow.

Also, one of my tutors said that she is a CS major who is minoring in Math as well and she's getting close to done.  She said it sounded like I have a really tough schedule, so at least I know I'm not just straight up being a pansy this semester.  That made me feel a good bit better, too.  🙂

If you're offended by cursing then don't read this, but...

If you're offended by cursing then don't read this, but it is SO ACCURATE.  😂😂😂  Tarantulas are legit big babies.  I can't remember the last time Anansi ate.  She did molt recently, though, so hopefully it will be soon.

I got up and tried to have a regular day.

I know that Celexa hasn't really had time to kick in yet, but...

I know that Celexa hasn't really had time to kick in yet, but today has felt ok. I have mostly just been chilling since I finished the DSC assignments last night.

Me and Kira and Shaun took the dogs walking.  We don't go often enough, and in fact I'm pretty sure I haven't been since sometime before I started JSU, but we walked our usual route and I'm not tired.  I'm usually huffing and puffing so if nothing else walking that hill every day at JSU has improved my health at least slightly.  Yay for that.  🙂

I should be practicing my C++ or studying Linear Algebra or Probability & Stats.  I think I'm about to try my hand at some Probability homework.  I still need to email my Linear Algebra teacher, as well.

If I think hard enough I'm sure I have tons to do, but I'm not going to do that to myself today.  I'm gonna do what I can, and then relax some more.  Tryna keep it low-stress over here for now.

I hope you all are having a nice weekend.  ❤

Today has been a mixed bag, but...

Today has been a mixed bag, but at least I feel like I can say that things might be looking up.

I was SUPER SICK last night.  Nausea, headache, fever, etc.  Physically I still do not feel good at all, but it's not as bad as yesterday, thank goodness.

On the school front... I'm so embarrassed to admit this, but I made a 3 on that Linear Algebra test.  A literal THREE.  I just could not make my brain go on Wednesday, so that is what happened.  🙁  On the bright side several people have told me that they had to re-take linear algebra, so it's not just me.  But I am going to email my professor this weekend and let her know what all is going on.  Since I still don't know if I'll be able to drop the class I might as well do as much as I can while I'm in there.

On the dropping that class front... I checked in with the scholarship guy and he said it would be 10 days - 2 weeks before he could tell me anything.  I don't want to just keep failing it that hard only to find out that I can't drop it, so I'm gonna put in the effort on it.

Speaking of effort - DSS really came through for me.  They have found me tutors for both Linear Algebra and Probability and Statistics.  So I will be meeting with tutors every Monday so that I can get on track.  I'm pretty excited about that.  I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but it would be great if I didn't have to drop Linear.  We'll see, though.

Other than that I met with my adviser today and he said that he really thought I'd be able to drop Linear Algebra if it came to that.  He said that my record was strong and he's sure that JSU will want to keep me.  He said it helped that I have identified my issues and that I'm taking steps to get back on track.  So that was nice.

I also found out that after I finish my required maths (Linear Algebra and the Stats class) that I am literally one math class away from a math minor.  So even though I don't have to declare a minor I'm going to.  There is absolutely no reason not to at this point.

The last thing was that we planned my schedule for spring.  That's cool and all, but I found out that even if I go full time and take two classes each summer I won't be finished until summer of 2019.  🙁  I was thinking I'd have summers off and finish in May of 2019, so that is kind of a bummer.  But on the bright side of all THAT he did say that Linear Algebra looked like one of my harder classes, so if that's the case I will probably survive the next two years.  LOL

So yeah.  There is a lot going on.  I still don't feel 100% physically or mentally, but having plans in place is uplifting, at least.  I feel pretty supported by the efforts of DSS and hopefully my Celexa will kick in in time for me to have motivation and energy and a working brain before I majorly mess up anything else.  For now I'm off to muddle through some DSC homework that is due tonight.

I hope you all have a great weekend.  I plan to rest and study if I can.  While I do feel the pressure to try to get back on top of things ASAP I know that creating more stress for myself right now is a bad idea, so I'm going to try to be super nice to me.  Hopefully, I can.  That is not one of my strong points, unfortunately.  😕

❤❤❤

Student Health Services...

Ok, so today was just honest to goodness BAD.

Ok, so today was just honest to goodness BAD.

I went to school early to talk to the scholarship guy.  At first he told me that I would lose my scholarship if I dropped a class.  I asked him if there was ANY WAY to avoid that and he finally told me that I'd have to write a letter outlining why I wanted to drop a class, and he'd have to present my case to a committee that he would have to pull together.  It didn't sound as though the odds would be in my favor, so I left feeling defeated.

Since I knew I had to take my Linear Algebra test I skipped my programming class in hopes that I could study for the Linear Algebra test for that hour and possibly not fail it.  No such luck.  The lady at DSS (Disability Support Services) told me there was nowhere for me to study and told me that I could go to another building.  I told her that I could not.  I literally could not make myself do one more thing - not even walk.  Instead, I cried.  So, that sucked.

She talked to me for a few minutes and then I talked to my regular DSS person.  She said it sounded like I had a lot going on and that she understood why I wanted to drop.  She told me they would also send a letter to the scholarship committee, and she did that today.  They also put out feelers for tutors in case I cannot drop.  They don't typically offer tutoring for the classes that I am struggling with, but I think it's pretty clear to everyone that I need some help right now.

So, test time came.  I looked at it.  I answered the true / false questions and the first question, which was very simple.  And then I turned it in because I just could not force my brain to go.  And then I cried some more.

As I was turning in my test a counselor came in the building and the woman to whom I was turning my test in asked me if I wanted to talk to him.  I said sure.  So, we talked.  He asked me if I'd want to see him regularly and I said that I would for now.  So, my first official appointment with him is next Thursday morning.  Maybe that will help.  He seems like a nice guy.

While I was there he asked me to fill out a piece of paper.  I did and gave it back.  He said it looked like I was having a major depressive episode.  I told him that I'd been on Celexa before and thought about taking it again.  He told me that I probably should, but that he'd also like for me to see someone at Student Health Services.  So he made an appointment for me there at 9 tomorrow morning.

I came home and immediately started writing the letter to the scholarship committee.  I outlined all of the problems that I am having, as well as the steps that I am taking to address them.  I made sure to mention that if I am allowed to drop the class now I'd take it over the summer so as not to delay my graduation.  I really think I can be ok with 3 classes, but I feel like my brain is overloaded and can't handle 4.  It's been too tough of a transition and with me having to scramble to learn the logic stuff, and now with me feeling so behind I just think the pile of things I have to do has gotten so big that it's insurmountable (or at least feels that way).  I need this break and I desperately hope they give it to me.

And so, that has been my day.  I have a headache and I'm sleepy even though I slept, but I think that's just the depression.  I remember the last time I started sinking I would try to do things and then just sleep.  So this is where I am right now.  I should study tonight, but I am going to not do that.  My brain can't and I don't need the frustration that will come if I try to make myself.

I hope that things are going better for you all.  If not, I'm sure there will be brighter days ahead for all of us.  For now I'm enjoying couch time with Shadow and watching Kira dress the dogs.  🙂

Thoughts on dropping classes?

If y'all are wondering why I'm in a constant state of "freak out"...

If y'all are wondering why I'm in a constant state of "freak out" this is what Linear Algebra looks like. Between this and Discrete CS I am definitely learning a new language with all these symbols. I don't see the mirrored "E" on this sheet, but there are some of the upside - down letters "A" near the top. It's crazy how so much of the material in my classes is related. I guess I'm learning where mathematics and computer science converge. It's all super interesting. But NOT easy.

Made an 86 on my Programming test this morning. 😁

Tests this week.