I feel like my life isn't even real right now.

I feel like my life isn't even real right now.  Like, honest to goodness, I don't even know anything anymore.  We lost another dog today.  It was my big old beautiful messy girl, Natasha (aka Nappy).

She was with us for 8 or 9 years; I remember the first time I met her.  My friend (Natasha's rescuer) had brought her in to PetSmart to get help shaving her down.  I was a dog bather there at the time, so I basically watched / helped hold her on the table.  She was so matted that you couldn't pull an ear away from her head, or find her eyes.  Bugs were crawling out of the ridiculous huge single matt that covered her body.  Despite her obvious discomfort, she was the most gentle giant.  I fell in love with her instantly, but it wasn't until a year or two later that she came to live with me.

She was always the sweetest girl, but she had tons of chronic health problems.  As my friend who rescued her put it, she was "a puppy mill genetic nightmare."  Honestly, I spent more money than I had over the years trying to keep her groomed, medicating chronic ear and eye infections, paying for arthritis meds so she wouldn't be in pain, and even having surgery for hip dysplasia.  She was a ton of work, but I loved her and did the best I could.

Her most recent battle with eye infection was looking really good just a few weeks ago.  Unfortunately, us cleaning and medicating her eyes at the maintenance dose stopped cutting it.  They looked horrible over the weekend; worse than I'd ever seen them.  Last night, she wouldn't eat a treat, which is a big red flag because that girl loved her food.  When Shaun tried to feed her this morning her mouth dripped blood into her bowl and she was wavering when she stood.  That was basically our last straw.  She felt too bad, and had felt so bad off and on throughout her life that we just didn't want to put her through this anymore.  She looked done, and so we let her be.

I worry that we should have done this a long time ago; hell, I'm still questioning if it was the right thing to have done it today.  But it is hard to watch someone you love suffer.  So, I'm not ok.  I'm upset.  I'm sad and I'm angry.  I wasn't ready for this, but it wasn't about me.  We've now lost 4 of 6 dogs in 2 years.  I always thought I'd not want to exist without my dogs and currently that is accurate.

If I disappear for a while I apologize, but I was still struggling to be ok before this.  I have finals coming up and I've gotta find the energy to care about that.  So I love you and I hope your lives are going ok.  Catch you when I can, I guess.  ❤

I want to apologize for this not being the personal "Thank you" I intended...

I want to apologize for this not being the personal "Thank you" I intended to hand out to each of you, and that you all deserve.  I'm still struggling in a lot of ways, but I know y'all know that which is why you helped me.  Your kindness during this low point is deeply appreciated.  My words are failing me right now; I wanted to say something that would make you know how grateful I am that I have friends who care about me so much.  I wish I could do better right now, but the elephant on my chest has cracked the cup I pour from and I'm feeling pretty empty at the moment.  I don't really know what else to say, except that if there is ever anything I can do to pay you back or help you in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.  💗💗💗

Hello, friends.

Hello, friends. I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving and weekend. As for us, there is a lot to say.

I'm not big on holidays as it is, though Thanksgiving is one of my favorites (not because of what it celebrates [horrible things were done to the Natives, and I believe in being thankful every day], but I do like it because I don't cook yet I still get to eat a lot.) This year had a couple of extra layers of stress. Thanksgiving would have been Shaun's mom's birthday had she not passed away earlier this year, so it was rough on a few levels. Thankfully, we got through the day.

Friday was my birthday, and that is the day we started doing some house repairs because dad was free. You know you're officially an adult when replacing a floor is a wonderful gift. LOL It took 3 days; we just finished up today. The contents of Shadow's room are strewn about the house (and have been for days) so it's driving me crazy. We're about to go through it all and see what we can purge. Woo.

In other exciting news, we caught a good Black Friday sale on the web and got Kira a bed just like she wanted: black, full-size, and with drawers underneath. 😃 It will be delivered tomorrow. A few weeks ago one of our friends gave us a couple of dressers he no longer needed, so my mom and Kira spray-painted them her favorite color today. We've had her stuff in one of my closets and some of Shadow's drawers, so this will be much better. I'm super excited to get everything re-organized and put away.

In even OTHER exciting news:  Kira got braces on Tuesday. We loved her smile as it was, but she wasn't happy with it - and her opinion is the one that matters. We'd planned to do this before Emma's unexpected hospital bill, but we don't believe in breaking promises to the kids if we can avoid it at all. Thank goodness for Care Credit. We have a year with no interest, so that will help a lot.

Speaking of Emma's bill, I am so thankful to each of you who donated. I have some very generous friends and I will be thanking each of you personally ASAP. There has been so much going on lately with my mental health and with losing Emma and then all of this house stuff that I just haven't been able to keep up. I also need to thank all of you for the birthday wishes, as well as wish a couple of birthday twins a belated Happy Birthday, as well. I hope you all will forgive my behind-ness; maybe this super adorable picture of Kira will help. 😊😍❤️

It's been a rough day.

It's been a rough day. Shadow's bedroom floor has been sagging - we think because of that pipe bursting in the house last spring. His room got the worst of it since it's right next to the bathroom. We thought we got all of the water up, but clearly we did not.  Thankfully, my dad has some time to help me with repairing it this weekend.

He came over bright and early to lead the way since I know very little about carpentry. We ripped the floor up, down to the joists. It was worse than we thought. Shaun stepped through the floor, dad cracked it with his butt, and I straight up fell through. I have some scrapes and bruises and I'm sore, but I guess I'm fine. I'm just thankful that it's being repaired.  Side note:  Congoleum is bomb-ass flooring because it kept us from falling through before we pulled it up. Just sayin'. 

I'm tired. We have more work to do the rest of the weekend. I have a test on Tuesday. Shadow and Kira have a web project coming due that I said I would help them both with. I did rest up most of the week, but I guess it was just so I could power through Thanksgiving and this weekend.

Sharing my sad Emma post one last time (for realsies). Worth a shot, I guess.

Highlight of my day: Baja with the fam and finding $4 in a store parking lot. Happy Birthday to me.

It's my birthday now.

It's my birthday now.

My wish: To have my girl back.

Since I can't have that I'd settle for help with getting this bill paid. We're more than halfway there.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/jpsdq3-emmas-medical-bills

I'm finally starting to feel like I might not have an elephant on my chest...

I'm finally starting to feel like I might not have an elephant on my chest and I'm thankful for that.  My mood has been up and down, but if it will stabilize somewhere in the middle I'll be ok ("ok" meaning that I'm not hiding from the world on my couch or in my bed, and with enough energy to kind of function like a human).

Friday the post man recognized my name and asked if I was the one who runs Happy Tails Lost & Found Pets of Calhoun County.  I felt slightly famous.  LOL  He told me that the group had helped someone he knew, so that made my day.  🙂

As for today, we're doing Kira's nails.  I did the base and they look pretty awesome - if I do say so myself.  She's getting really good at stamping, so she's going to finish them off with that part herself in a little while.  If I can get up the energy I might do mine, too, but they are not in great shape anymore because I've severely neglected them this semester.  🙁

Anyway, I'm finally starting to feel like I'm on the mend.  It's unfortunate that it has taken so long because we have a ton to do this week, but better late than never, I suppose.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤

Today was my first decent-ish day since I lost my girl.

Today was my first decent-ish day since I lost my girl. I still had to nap when I got home, but I was able to get some things done.

I'm trying not to be too pushy, so I'm gonna share this today because it's payday for most of us and then I'll stop.  It's been a hard time around here and I've gotta stop seeing it.

I am not trying to forget my girl, but I am just not doing well with this constant reminder of what I've lost. It's bad enough that we don't have her here doing things like jumping up and going to bed when we turn the Xbox off at night.

I really appreciate all of the help and support from my friends. I'm hoping that some down-time this coming week will help me recuperate. I love you all. ❤️

I apologize for not being around again. I feel half-dead.

I apologize for not being around again.  I feel half-dead.  Losing Emma was terribly hard and every time I come here I see her beautiful face.  If not in my profile pic, then on the GoFundMe.  I'm just not able to process what we've lost.  I've avoided my personal Instagram since last year when I lost Scooter.  I just can't right now.

I actually made it to both classes today, so that's an improvement over any other day this week.  I was only gone from my house for a few hours, but I have zero energy left and feel that if I don't nap I won't get anything else done today.  Aside from feeling depressed I'm having fatigue from this arthritis flare-up.  I'm just over-all in a bad place.

I still love you all and hope you are doing well.  I do come on here to approve posts and members in Happy Tails, but I've otherwise been avoiding notifications and I apologize for that.  I'm hoping that some down-time will pick me back up soon.  ❤

Sorry for being MIA, friends, but I'm not doing too ok.

Sorry for being MIA, friends, but I'm not doing too ok.  I've been alternating between running around doing stuff (trying to stay occupied), and lying in my bed - literally unable to convince myself to do anything (even tell anyone how bad I'm feeling).  It's really not a good place to be, but even my Celexa couldn't save me from it.  I'm hoping that Thanksgiving week will allow me to recuperate before finals.

I finally got around to checking the GoFundMe that my friend set up and I've gotta say a big, fat "Thank you" to everyone who's donated and shared.  I will get to the personal thanks very soon, but for now I've gotta rest.  I have class early tomorrow and zero energy to get through it.  It's gonna be all I can do to get the animals settled for the night so I can get to bed.

I love and appreciate you all.  ❤

I've been going back and forth about making a GoFundMe for this.

I've been going back and forth about making a GoFundMe for this.  On the one hand, the vet bill for Emma was close to $2000 and we are more tight than ever on funds since I stopped working in August to go to school full-time.  But on the other hand, I haven't fostered any animals since Storm last year, so I feel bad asking for help from the community when I haven't been contributing.  Thankfully, a good friend stepped up and did this for me and I greatly appreciate it.  If you feel inclined to help with her bill, then thank you.  And if not - no hard feelings here.  I know that times are tough for a great many of my friends.  We're all just trying to get by.  ❤❤❤

I just want to let you know that we are hanging in there.

I just want to let you know that we are hanging in there.  Shaun deals with death pretty well.  Shadow was preparing for it since last week when she went to the hospital.  Kira has been through the wringer lately with the loss of two family members recently, but she was with Emma when she went and I think that seeing how peaceful it was really helped her be ok with it.

For me, yesterday before she died was the worst. The vet called at 9 to tell me she was stable but had a little fluid on her lungs. They wanted to call around 3 to let me know how she was doing and if she could come home. I did not get out of my bed even once before they called at 3:30. I laid there, sometimes numb, sometimes crying. For whatever reason I feel like I knew she would not make it home. I know that makes no logical sense, but it is what it is.

I feel better about her death than I do about losing Scooter and Lowrider last year. I feel like in both of their cases, we waited too long. I know they felt pain and it kills me. With Emma her last minutes were at least happy-ish, not suffering. We are going to miss her like crazy and we still have tears to shed, but I am thankful for the way it went. That really helps a lot. Thank you all for the outpouring of love.  It is greatly appreciated.  ❤

We went to pick up Emma earlier, but she didn't make it home.

We went to pick up Emma earlier, but she didn't make it home.  She was stable this morning, but her breathing was labored.  They x-rayed her lungs and she had a little fluid on them.  They suspected it was blood because of her low platelets and not being able to stop bleeding.

They checked her lungs again before we took her because she was having more and more trouble breathing, and they had even more fluid.  She was basically going to drown to death in blood.  I couldn't let that happen.  I asked them to please make it stop.

She was surrounded by me, Shaun, and Kira.  We had some people-food leftovers in the car, which Emma always loved so we all fed her tasty food and petted her until it was time, which we could tell she enjoyed.  I am so unbelievably sad, but I think that was the best way it could have gone.

She was the best girl.  I love how she could be sleeping so good and then fart, which would make her jump up and run away like someone just got her booty.  LOL  She was always super sweet, too, and wanted to be near us.  She would grab a mouth full of her food, come and spit it in the floor of the room where her humans were, and then eat it - one piece at a time - with us.

I don't really know what else to say, except that we tried our best and I think she did, too.  We're all going to miss her a lot.  We have so many good memories with her, so we'll just hold on to those the best we can.  Rest in Peace, my blue-eyed girl.  ❤

Emma Update # 2:

Emma Update # 2:

We went to see puppy girl.  The nurse said that when she took her out to potty, Emma collapsed and had to be carried back in.  Today was the first day she didn't try to come out of her crate to see us.

She didn't eat much today; however, when I hand-fed her, she did eat a little.  She also drank some water when I held the bowl up to her face.  I could tell that she was tired and weak, but she still wagged her tail for us.  She made faces at Shaun when he pretended to eat out of her bowl.  LOL

We just loved on her until she looked like she needed to rest and then we left.  Hoping for better news in the morning.

Emma Update:

Emma Update:

She's getting weaker.  They said that they are seeing something weird in her blood.  They want to do a transfusion which will make her feel better, at least temporarily.  We're going to do that and then bring her home.

One of the medications she is on can take a week to get in her system (it's been 6 days already), and another takes even longer.  I am hopeful that the transfusion will get her up and going until everything can kick in full-force but if not, we are going to love on her at home until she starts to crash again and then we won't let her feel bad anymore.

I have remained hopeful since she was admitted on Sunday, but it's starting to fade.  I don't know what else to say except that I am extremely sad right now.

Went to visit my puppy girl again.

Went to visit my puppy girl again.  Her platelets are at 5000 now; only 160,000 more to go!  😥  Her red blood cell count was slightly down this morning, but fluctuations aren't unexpected right now.  The vet isn't comfortable with releasing her yet, so she's spending another night.  She is eating well and looked a little perkier today.  She complained when we left her this time.  Poor old girl.  I hope we can get her home soon.  We miss her like crazy.

Shaun and I just took Kira out...

This girl right here is holding her own.

This girl right here is holding her own. We saw her briefly. She was sleeping when we got there and seemed happy to see us, but she tired out fast and started heading back to her kennel so she could lay back down. Good girl. Rest and heal. ❤️❤️❤️

Gotta brag on my girl!

Dr. Cooner called. Emma is holding steady at the moment.

Dr. Cooner called.  Emma is holding steady at the moment.  Her platelet count is at 3000, which is better than zero (what is was when we brought her in), but quite far from where it should be.  There is another blood-something number that I can never remember the name of that also isn't great.  We're leaving her for another day and they are adding another medication.

He said he wasn't quite comfortable discharging her yet, and to be honest I would rather her be there, too.  But due to cost, we will have to bring her home within the next couple of days.  I'm hoping to see a bit more improvement before that happens.  So, paws crossed that my old puppy girl keeps on feeling better.  We miss her terribly and home just isn't the same without her.

There are 3 weeks (counting this one) of classes left in this semester before finals.

There are 3 weeks (counting this one) of classes left in this semester before finals. I'm so ready for a break! I might have faltered and floundered and nearly lost my mind, but I've just about made it through my first semester at JSU!

My grades may not end up being exactly what I want them to, but right now progress is the priority.

I'm still strongly considering trying my hand at 5 classes in the spring.  I have three reasons for this:

1)  I've been told I was receiving an extra scholarship, so I will have the funds to do it.

2)  I will feel less crappy for having dropped Linear Algebra.

3)  Another CS student said that she didn't think the classes I chose would be terribly hard to manage all together.

Backup plan:  I try it and I drop one.  I won't be in trouble for not going full-time because I still will be.  👍

It's early-ish, but I'm heading to bed.  My bones are acting up and I could really use some rest.  It wasn't a very relaxing weekend and while I know that Emma isn't totally out of the woods seeing her feeling better was a huge relief.

I hope you all have a good night.  ❤ ❤ ❤  I'm done for this day.

We saw Emma today. She is looking a bit better.

We saw Emma today. She is looking a bit better. She was up for walking a little bit, so we took her outside and she peed and pooped.  We didn't stay long because she needs her rest, but it was great to see some improvement in my girl.  I really hope she can come home soon.  We miss her a lot.  ❤

Emma Update:

Emma Update:

 

They called and said that her blood-something was holding, and that was good.  I wish I could remember words, but alas.  I didn't sleep enough and I'm hurting, and my brain isn't working like I want it to.

They will test her blood later on tonight.  But for now, she did eat a little bit and walk around outside.  We're all going to go and visit her later this afternoon.  I will be so happy to see my girl.  ❤

I felt so drained when I got home that I fell asleep.

I felt so drained when I got home that I fell asleep.  I'm also having a pretty serious arthritis flair, so that makes me extra tired.  It's usually in my hips and knees, but right now it's in my shoulders.  I can't raise my arms very far without a pretty fair amount of pain.  So I napped and then I woke up and rushed through some homework that was due.

I called to check on Emma as soon as I was done with my homework, but they had already closed.  So, I don't have an update for the night.  🙁  The best news I have is that we don't have any missed calls from the hospital, which would indicate that something has gone wrong.  I know she's in great hands, so I'm going to try to remain calm.

I am so not ready for this week.  I don't think any of us are.  🙁

Mr. Whaley of Saks High School is absolutely the best principal I've ever met.

Mr. Whaley of Saks High School is absolutely the best principal I've ever met.  Kira lost two family members this past week and Mr. Whaley just hand-delivered KFC to our door.  I can't even express how much that kindness means right now.  ❤❤❤

Emma Update:

Emma Update:

She is being hospitalized at Animal Medical Center for the next few days.  She is in critical condition.

There is so much to tell.  We took her to Dr. Long the week before last because she was thin, weak, throwing up, having diarrhea, and bleeding out of the nose (just barely).  Her tonsils were swollen, so the first thing we did was give her antibiotics, steroids, and Phenergan.  It seemed to help, but a few days later she was still having diarrhea, so I took her back and we got an extra medication.

After that she seemed to be on the mend, so that was great.  Dr. Long said if she was worse, he'd see her this past Thursday, but she was ok.  If she was not a lot better he wanted to see her on Monday (tomorrow).  She finished her steroid, antibiotic, and Phenergan on Friday, but by yesterday she seemed to be declining (as far as weakness, panting hard, and nose beginning to bleed again last night).  I got up this morning, made her an appointment at AMC, and then decided we couldn't wait.  She was bleeding pretty bad out of her nose, her poop was black, and she had lost her appetite.

We took her in and one of the nurses said we definitely made the right call by bringing her early, so that confirmation felt nice that I wasn't just over-reacting.  They ran some tests and it's not looking great.  Her platelets are low, so she's kind of just bleeding freely out of her nose.  They did an x-ray to see if there was something causing her nose to bleed.  They didn't see anything there, but did notice that her spleen is enlarged.  The best we can hope for right now is that this is an auto-immune thing that will respond to more steroids and the chemo drug they want to give her.  Worst case, this is looking like possibly something cancerous.

So... we loved on our baby girl and admitted her.  She is still in good spirits and I don't feel like she is "done."  When we took Scooter in last year we could tell he was ready to go.  But Emma J. is still hanging in there, so if she is still fighting we will fight for her.  I know she's in great hands.  I feel relieved having left her so that they can keep an eye on her.  They are starting her treatment, and we should know within a couple of days if she's responding or not.  We can visit her and call for updates, so that is also nice.

Priority 1 is getting my baby well and brought home.  Priority 2 is figuring out the money thing.  The bill is estimated to be between $1200 and $2000.  My birthday is this month, so I am thinking about asking anyone who is considering getting me something to just donate towards her medical bill instead.  With me not working, Shaun is supporting me and the kids on one income until I finish school.  Money is tight.  We're ok, but this unplanned large expense is a big strain.  I may or may not make a GoFundMe for this.  Many of you were generous to us when my dad lost his home to a fire last year, but I really hate to depend on everyone else to get us through hard times, especially since my contributions to the community have greatly decreased since I started school.

Well, I'm off for now.  My stress level is through the roof, my shoulders are killing me (yay arthritis!), and I'm all-around exhausted.  For those who don't know:  Kira lost two relatives this past week, so we've all been stressed, sad, and stunned.  It seems like when it rains it pours, but we're hanging in there - together.  Anyway, I'll post updates as they come in.  Love to all of my friends.  ❤

At AMC with Emma.

 

Emma is going to AMC at 2:30.

I registered for my spring classes this morning.

I registered for my spring classes this morning.  I picked 5, but I'm not sure that I will keep them all.  Two seem easy-ish.  I don't want to overload myself, but at the same time I feel that I need to catch up because I dropped a class this semester.  In the long run, that won't add or erase a semester from my time at JSU, so maybe (as usual) I need to calm down... but I do want to get done, so it's hard not to rush.

I really need to look into summer classes, as well.  I heard that year-round Pell Grant might be a thing now, so that would be great if so.  I had planned to work / intern over the summer, but it is clear to me that life doesn't care about my plans, so I've gotta just keep on keeping on the best I can.  LOL

Happy Friday, friends!  ❤

Garrett Counseling seems really great.

Garrett Counseling seems really great. Kira feels comfortable and like she can make some progress with her new counselor.  Instead of this mad-dash, once-a-month at the school crap that Highland was doing, they are going to see her weekly for now after school.  I think we are all breathing a sigh of relief in that regard.

As for her family, that has been and will probably remain to be a volatile presence in her life (especially with the upcoming funerals and all of that), but we have been and will continue to try to protect her the best we can.  Since we don't have legal custody, it's stressful because we worry that not enough interaction with her relatives will result in someone trying to take her from us.  But when she turns 18 in March it will no longer be an issue, so we've just gotta get through the first of the year.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice and help during this situation.  Having her here has been great, but transitions are tough (even good ones) and she was already having a hard time before we got her.  She was going to Highland before she came here and had already had a bad experience with the counselor at Anniston Pediatrics.  We asked her pediatrician 3 weeks ago (and reminded her 2 weeks ago) to refer her elsewhere, but they didn't for whatever reason until I left upset messages this morning with a specific place we wanted her to go.

Unless I post another upset, private-ish post, assume all is well.  If you want to check on her, feel free to message us.  Since I'm friends with some of her relatives on social media I don't want to talk about anything too deep publicly.  Like I said, we are kind of walking on eggshells to keep the peace.  It's a tenuous situation and we're just doing the best we can.

Much love to you all, and thanks again.  ❤❤❤

They got her in at Garrett today at 2.

They got her in at Garrett today at 2.  Thank you so much to everyone for your help and suggestions.  It means the world to  us!  ❤❤❤  I am so thankful for you all!

This is not a public post. I would appreciate your discretion if you can see this.

This is not a public post.  I would appreciate your discretion if you can see this.

As we all know, the mental health care in this state sucks ass.  Kira has been seeing the therapist at Highland Health, but she doesn't feel like the woman listens to her or gets very deep.  She has also seen an in-house therapist at Anniston Pediatrics who isn't helping her, either.  Since she is not legally our child I don't know what our options are regarding insurance, so all she has right now is Medicaid.

So this has been a shit day for her.  Shaun took her to her appointment at Highland, and she came out crying because once again she wasn't helped.  Now, as of a few hours ago, she has lost an aunt and a brother all in the same day.  She seems to be in shock, which is totally understandable.  See the link below.

We've only had her for a couple of months, but I can tell you that she has been shuffled around and neglected for a lot of her life.  How she is as awesome as she is I'll never know.  But she needs help.  She has said as much, and we believe her.  I imagine that I'd have issues, too.  We are always here for her, of course, but having an objective 3rd party hear you out can really help.

So, do you  know of anywhere she can get ACTUAL counseling?  I know this is a long shot, but does anyone know of a real therapist out there who would accept Medicaid, or see her for a reduced fee?  We're scraping by on one income while I'm in school, but we'll find a way to pay if there is someone out there worth paying for.

https://abc3340.com/news/local/suspect-dead-officer-shot-in-shooting-during-homicide-investigation

Planning my spring schedule and...