I am pretty proud of myself today.

I am pretty proud of myself today.  I am 100% sure that I have moved my body the most I've moved it since I finished taking final exams.  I have mostly been a lump on the couch - just resting because I desperately needed it.  But today I had the house to myself (which is SO RARE), so instead of hanging with the fam I started organizing / going through all of the stuff we moved out of Shadow's room when we put a new floor in there right after Thanksgiving.  He and I had sorted a lot of things into "keep", "take to Shaun's", "give away", but there was a ton more to do.  All that is left now is one garbage-bag full of stuff for him to make decisions on.  What a relief!  I hate it when the house is messy and disorganized and it has been that way for months.  I knew it wasn't helping me at all with my mental-health situation, so I feel extremely accomplished and like my brain was de-cluttered in the process.  I also hauled about a car-load of stuff to the shelter thrift store, so that frees up some space.  Woohoo!

I know this is such a boring status, but for me this would have been a pretty big project to tackle on a good day, much less one when I feel like I'm still recovering from stress and depression.  While I was at it I washed the couch covers, swept and mopped, cleaned my litter boxes, loaded the dishwasher, and folded and put away some laundry.  My back is screaming, so now I'm back in my rightful place on the couch with the dogs.  I'm just waiting for my guy to bring me some pizza and this day will be complete.

I think it's a big upswing for me that I had motivation today and that I'm actually posting on here and hoping people will talk to me.  I have been so reclusive and lumpy for so long, and I'm hoping that has about come to an end.  I hope you all are doing well, or at least better than you were.  Baby steps.  ❤

I usually write something long and mushy...

I usually write something long and mushy, but not tonight. I'm just happy to be going through life, even (and especially) the tough bits with Shaun by my side. I honestly don't think I'd still be standing and moving forward without him.

Sorry that the photo is dark, but I don't think either of us have ever photographed our food before. 😂😂😂  Ruby Tuesday gave us free chocolate cake with ice cream to celebrate our 9 years and going strong. Happy "Us" Day, love!

How I'm finishing out 2017:

How I'm finishing out 2017:  Empty, and low on life force. Thank goodness for Shaun. Can't imagine life without my favorite person. ❤️

I guess I'm feeling pretty adventurous tonight...

I guess I'm feeling pretty adventurous tonight; Chocolate Dr. Pepper is on the menu at Sonic, so now I'm drinking that. LOL Tastes kind of like those cakes made with Coke.

I voted.

I voted.

In other news:  Final grades are in and I made my first C. It was in C++. If I hadn't completely bombed the final that wouldn't have happened because I had an 85 average prior to taking the last exam, but it is what it is. I was just tapped out. I'm less upset than I thought I would be, but it's no secret what a hard semester it's been for me and I am just grateful for the progress at this point. It helps that I made an A in both Discrete Computational Structures and Applied Probability and Statistics, so my GPA isn't affected too negatively. As far as I can tell I didn't even lose a whole point. So that's ok.

I also saw my new doctor this morning and I like him so far. He's referring me to a gyno like I expected. He told me to come back fasted and we could do blood work and work on getting me in to a rheumatologist, so that is nice. I'm afraid that Medicaid will only pay for Methotrexate (which I am not taking again), but I guess there is no harm in finding out what my options actually are.

For now, I'm off to rest. I feel really tired. I hope you all are doing well.

I'm still struggling, but enjoying some rest.

I'm still struggling, but enjoying some rest.  I've gone from utter despair / apathy to discontentment / anxiety.  I guess that's improvement.

I'm having some pretty serious pain in my pelvic area recently; I believe that I'm trying to give birth to my IUD.  Along those lines I also applied for and received full Medicaid, so at least I can see a doctor if I need to (which I am tomorrow because this pain is so sharp I get tears in my eyes).  I'm not excited about the possibility of losing the IUD I wanted for like, 10 years and finally got about 3 years ago.  I'm even less excited about trying to find another non-permanent, non-hormonal form of birth control.  I legit do not understand how it is almost 2018 and there are so few birth control options that are not barriers or hormones.

Other than that I've been spending a lot of time with Shaun, the kids, and the animals.  It's been really nice to connect and re-focus my attention.  When life gets hard, it's so much easier to mindlessly scroll through on social media as a distraction than to put energy and effort into interacting with whoever is around me.  I feel like that was one reason it is really beneficial for me to disconnect and pull back from here some because I'd just fallen into a rut of what felt like endless scrolling, looking for something to be interested in, which wasn't working because I was depressed and not a lot of things were interesting.  So being away is allowing me to focus what little energy I have into what is important, which is self-care and my family.

Oddly enough, my brain has felt really bored.  The last two days I've really been wanting some math to do.  LOL  I might go play around on Khan Academy to keep my math skills sharp with no consequences if I crap out.  I would think that since my major is Computer Science that I'd want to practice my programming, but honestly what I'm really missing is my Statistics class.  It was really interesting to me to see real-life applications of Calculus; how finding the areas under the curve of a graph with integration actually gave you answers to real-world problems.  I'm not waffling on my choice of major, but classes like that make me want to learn more math and how to use it.  I still think that going back for a masters in math one day is on the table.

Anyway.  I'm up super late because I didn't sleep last night due to pelvic pain, so I ended up sleeping most of the day, which I didn't mind because Kira was sick, then Shadow was sick, and now I'm coughing and all that, too.  Maybe being able to rest will help me shake it.  For now I'm off to shower and sleep some more.  I'm hoping the doctor that I see in the morning will be able to help me, but in all likelihood he will refer me to a gynocologist, so I don't know.  For now I am ok-ish, but sitting or moving the wrong way triggers waves of contraction-like cramps in my cervix area.  So as usual my life is rainbows and sunshine.  /sarcasm

I hope you all are doing well.  If you're not, I'm super sorry.  Things will get better, probably.  I don't know, but that is what I'm tending towards believing right now.  Life is a roller-coaster; there are ups and downs.  We just have to hold on until things swing in our favor, right?  ❤

On the couch with my two remaining dogs.

I'm back.

I'm back.  I probably wasn't even deactivated long enough for anyone to miss me except for one of my besties, but I needed the break.  I just felt like life was too much, and social media wasn't helping.  I get far too many notifications and truthfully my break from here was really peaceful.  I wanted to stay deactivated, but I couldn't get Shaun to join a nail polish group for me and my favorite brand is having a release tomorrow and I needed all the details.  So, here I am.

For my continued peace of mind I have made a few changes to my Facebook account.  First of all, I've muted quite a few Messenger conversations as well as deleted that app from my phone again.  I also deleted the Facebook app.  Additionally, no one can post on my timeline anymore.  If it was possible I'd turn off tagging and messaging, too, but I couldn't find a way.  To anyone who interacts with me:  I'm sorry about all of this, but there is just too much stuff incoming that I don't want or need.

I feel like I need to explain something real fast; I am bothered when notifications pile up, and when someone is talking to me I feel rude if I don't respond.  I know that this is social networking and the point is to be social, but I don't have it in me right now.  It's just creating more stress.  I'm taking my hermiting to the next level, it seems.  😕  It's really not intentional, but I am honest to goodness tapped out.  I know you all have the best intentions when you tag, message, or post something to me like nail art or cute animals, but those things are honest to goodness so far from anything I care about right now.  🙁

I know this comes off as so grumpy and rude, but I'm still struggling with my life and my mental health.  I don't feel much like myself, or who I thought I was.  I do feel less anxious now that the semester has ended, but that's about all I can say.  Of course, comments and conversations are always welcome (if you can forgive my delays with responding since I'm limiting my access here), but anything else is likely just an unwelcome distraction if I'm being perfectly honest.  🙁  I am so sorry to be this way, but setting limits here is the only way I can think of to keep myself from withdrawing completely.

Anyway, I hope you all are doing well.  I'm not entirely, but at least I am a little rested after being out of school for a few days.  I guess that counts for something.  Sending my grumpy love vibes to you all.  😛❤

I made a 44 on my C++ final.

I made a 44 on my C++ final. I am shocked and disappointed, and I am going back to bed.

I exist right now. That's about it.

I exist right now.  That's about it.

Every day since Tuesday I have crawled back into my bed right after getting home from school.  Yesterday was the first day I didn't eat a grilled cheese and fries kid's meal from Sonic in my bed; I ate it on the couch instead.  All I did today was go to one class, and then out to eat with Shaun and his dad.  I came home and slept for a few more hours, yet I am exhausted beyond belief already.  I don't really want to admit what an accomplishment it is that I didn't get back in my bed before 7, but this is my reality right now.

I have no more Sandy Shuffle in my life, no more Scooter shaking his pom-pom tail for me; I have no more Emma bringing her food in the room so she can eat with us, and now no more Nappy running out into the fence to greet me every day, or whining in the morning because her food was never early enough, or her pushing her food dish around to scrape the "bad" off the top (a habit she got from the bad place she was before that she never grew out of; they just cracked a 50 lb bag of food open for all the dogs, and they had to eat it regardless of rain, ants, whatever...)

I just feel so empty.  Believe it or not, I'm not dwelling on all of this, but there are constant reminders everywhere that I've lost 4 of the most precious family members I've ever had.  I feel more down than I ever have, even though I'm taking double my usual dose of Celexa.  I have zero energy, and my self-care has gone to shit.  I might actually take a shower tonight, though, so I guess that is something.  I hate to post and be such a downer, but it's progress that I'm posting at all.  Woohoo.

In other news:  Today was my last class of the semester; I have final exams on Monday and Tuesday, then I'm out of school until January.  My grades are decent; I am pretty sure I have an A in Discrete Computational Structures.  I have a B in Stats, but if I can make at least a 68 on that final (which I think I can), I'll have an A in there, too.  I currently have a B in C++ which is ok, but I feel like I could have and should have done better.  But given everything that has happened this semester, oh well.  I feel accomplished just for hanging in there.

I'm looking forward to some down-time soon.  I'm hoping it will help me feel better.  I really need to be working while I'm out of school, but I'm not going to push myself.  It just feels like entirely the wrong thing to do.  I've been going hard since the beginning of 2015 and I honestly haven't had an easy year since.  My physical health was horrible in 2015 to the point where I had trouble walking; last year was full of loss and stress, and this year is turning out to be no easier.  I'm really not sure how much more I can take.  But I hope you all are doing well, and if you're not, please just try to hang in there.  That's what I'm doing because I don't know what else to do.  ❤