I am taking a break.

I am taking a break.  My hands hurt from writing and all I want is a nap.  However, I've got a Tech Writing assignment due tomorrow and Mega Man due on Friday so it's gonna have to be a short break.

So far this semester is keeping me busy.  I feel like I'm not where I want to be and I have stress from that, but I am nowhere near as overwhelmed as I was last semester.  I am grateful for that.  I am just having to hustle to keep up; 5 classes is definitely a lot of work.

I guess I am off to see what else I can get done.  I need to do what I can before my brain craps out entirely for the day.  Later, friends.  I hope your week is going well.  ❤

Today has been rough for my old doggos.

Today has been rough for my old doggos. Boo has had a fatty tumor about the size of a golf ball on his side for a few years now. It never seemed to bother him so the vet didn't want to operate due to his age, but it ruptured this morning and it was a mess. Thank goodness for Kira; I was getting ready for school and she was the one who noticed it. I called the vet and they said to bring him this afternoon. We got the bleeding to slow down and it didn't seem like an emergency so that was great. I dropped Kira off at school and then headed to class myself when Shaun sent me this photo.

He took Shadow to school and came over to fix Booka Bear up. I had put one shirt on him so he wouldn't scratch at his wound and make it bleed more. Since Boo can get naked if he wants to Shaun had the very smart idea to put another shirt on top of that - except from his butt. 😂 Then he stapled the blue shirt to the red shirt so it wouldn't come off. And then he stuck a miniature chip clip on there for good measure. 😂😂😂 As funny as it looks it was effective. It was all still in place when I got home. Now my boy has pain meds and antibiotics so he doesn't get an infection and it thankfully seems like he's going to be just fine.

As for Faith, she was pretty rude to Nom (the tortoise) today and she got her foot bitten... bad enough to make her yelp, but he didn't break skin. He held on for a good second because she had to pull her foot away twice to free herself. Nom has been loose with Boo countless times and never bites him, but Boo leaves Nom alone. Faith, however, won't share her food with Nom and doesn't like it when he falls asleep buried in "her" blanket and insists on rudely digging him up every time he does so they aren't friends. I will be interested to see if she leaves him alone now. Probably not, because his revenge wasn't swift and she's a little daft, but who knows.

Anyway, I'm off to do a million homework. I hope your Monday went ok. ❤️

I just finished my first project for Game Design 1

I just finished my first project for Game Design 1.  We were assigned Pong.  There weren't a lot of guidelines so it was pretty open for interpretation.  Mine is green with a black border, white ball, one pink paddle, and one blue paddle.  It has a welcome screen and a loser screen.  It just re-sets when you lose; otherwise, I suppose you could play forever unless you beat the CPU (which I doubt is likely to happen).  😂

We only had a few days to do this; I did get frustrated last night because OF COURSE I wanted to go all-out with more creative graphics and fancy stuff like keeping score and levels and actually being able to win the game (LOL!) and all that.  But I think I was trying to go too big with software I was just learning to use.  I kind of assumed I'd have a little more time to work on it, also.  We got the assignment on Monday and it's due in a couple of hours at midnight.  Yes - that is all week, but with classes and family and other homework it didn't feel like a lot of time.

Anyway, the professor said that the point of this was to get us familiar with the software before starting the group projects so I don't think I'll get a bad grade.  We also have one more solo project (up next is a re-make of Mega Man), and then we'll be working in teams for the rest of the semester.  I usually don't like working with other people, but this actually sounds like a lot of fun.  I think we'll be able to get a lot more done as a group and that will be awesome.

Now I'm off to relax.  I have housework and homework waiting for me tomorrow.  Later, friends!

I had a pretty awesome time this weekend...

Ok, so today wasn't great. I got a migraine and missed two classes. Some Excedrin Migraine and a nap later I am feeling better. THANK GOODNESS. 

I had a pretty awesome time this weekend, though. Shaun and I took Shadow and Kira to the Birmingham Museum of Art on Saturday. Then we met Laurel and Emily at Outback for dinner and ate some super great food. Gosh, we miss Outback. Anyway, Emily made Kira some adorable and tasty cupcakes. Laurel gave her some makeup and a Unicorn makeup pouch. My besties were both so excited to meet her and I was so excited to see them because it had been far too long.

After that we stopped at Ulta where I got to meet the lovely Vallerie in real life. She's so little like me! Such a pleasant surprise! And then went to PetCo to see the animals. Kira got to hold and play with some baby ferrets. I think she's in love. 😍

This picture is of a sculpture that is at the museum made by one of my favorite artists, Frank Fleming. I hope to own one of his pieces one day. There are so many artists I want to support once I finally get a money job. Which, speaking of, I'd better get off the Internet and see what all I missed at school today.

♥♥♥

That feeling when...

That feeling when you're in class and you feel a migraine coming on but think "Nah, I can wait it out" but then the nausea hits and you leave class abruptly and head to Wal-Mart because you're out of Excedrin Migraine and want a Coke for your stomach and then you get home and forget that you're short so when you try to put your Coke in your loft bed you accidentally pour it all down your back and then start to fear that's not the worst thing this day has in store for you.

Today has felt like a Monday.

Today has felt like a Monday.  I woke up late, my car windows were so frozen that I had to scrape ice off so I could see to leave, I fell down outside while doing that because I'm clumsy, and on top of that I forgot to bring both my stylus AND my mouse to school with me (meaning that I feel like a toddler trying to work my laptop because that's just how I am, I guess).

I'm so glad it's been a short week and that it is Friday.  I'm about to do as much studying / homework as I can while I wait for Java class to start.  I'd work in Aleks for my math class, but you have to plot some points pretty precisely so I can't do that without my mouse and / or stylus.  But I have other stuff to do so I guess that is great.  😂

I just found out that our first game re-make is going to be Pong so that sounds fun and not too hard.  We just have to cover the basics so anything above and beyond on that will get us bonus points.  Woohoo!  😃

I hope y'all are doing great and staying warm.  I know I'm trying!  ❤

Woohoo!

Woohoo! Up to 86% on Aleks. I could be done now, but I'll do more tomorrow since I'm out of school again. Time for a break!

I've got free time...

Ugh. I've got free time to work on the Aleks project for math, but it is grueling right now. I'm just not into it. 😑

I am pretty close to getting the bare minimum of 85% done. I would still like to do much better, though. This wasn't my intention, but I am kind of wondering if I get finished before my 2 week trial is up would I have to pay for it to get my grade? 😂😂😂 I'm so cheap. Saving money would be a good motivation. Except that I would rather be napping right now. Why am I like this? 😛

Ready for this winter weather.

Ready for this winter weather. Me, Shaun, Faith, and Booka are snuggled up on the couch. Shaun is playing a game, Boo is snoring, and Faith is being weird. Everything seems to be in order here. 😂😂😂

I totally relaxed yesterday.

I totally relaxed yesterday. Painted my nails, but haven't decorated them yet.  Maybe later tonight or tomorrow.

I've spent most of this day reading, studying, and doing homework.  My initial Aleks assessment says that I know 300/377 topics for Intro to Advanced Math so that thankfully doesn't leave a ton of extra work for me to do.  We have 6 weeks to complete it to at least 85%, but I'm going to really get in there tomorrow and see what I can knock out.  Y'all know I'm shooting for an A instead of 85% (especially since this counts like a test grade), but in any case it would be great to have this one thing not hanging over my head.  I can already tell that I've got a busy semester ahead of me and I'm planning to do what I can to stay on top of things and keep my stress level down.

We're out of school tomorrow so that's good.  We're having two short weeks in a row to ease me into this semester.  No complaints here!  I hope you had a nice weekend.  ❤❤❤

So I've officially met all of my new professors now.

So I've officially met all of my new professors now. These are the classes I'm taking:

Intro to Advanced Math

Web Design

Tech Writing

Java

Game Programming

Tuesday my teacher for Web Design didn't show up at all. We waited for him for an hour before someone went to the office to ask if we had to stay the whole period. He was also very late today; a student had to fetch him from his office. He thought our class started at a different time. Anyway, that class looks like it focuses on HTML and CSS so I think I'll be just fine in there. I've been doing HTML stuff since the days of MySpace. LOL

I also don't think that Tech Writing is going to be hard; I really like to write and I think it will be easier than my English classes. I don't think we'll have to do reports or anything, although we will have to do some presentations. Shockingly - I don't mind that. I think I'm just too old to be that self-conscious anymore. The tough part is probably going to be that everyone is going to critique us, but I'm not super sensitive about stuff like that so I'm sure it will be ok.

Game Programming looks fun. That class doesn't have a lot of lecture. It's divided into cubicles called War Rooms and he'll put us into groups for all but the first two projects. We'll have to do a version of Frogger and something else on our own just to make sure that we know how to work the software. After that it's a bunch of teamwork. I guess there are positives and negatives to that, but I'm always going to do my share of the work (if not more) and we have to rate each other, too. By the last project we'll be grouped by similar ratings so that will be nice.

Intro to Advanced Math I'm not super sure about. I haven't seen any of the actual material yet, but I do know that we have to cover 377 pre-calculus topics in Aleks within 6 weeks. We have to make AT LEAST an 85 on it or we get a zero. He said that it should all be review and that it's meant to refresh us; I'm guessing that the math needs to be fresh for us to understand how the proofs work. The final grade can replace a low test grade or a missed test so that should help. It might be some hard work, but I feel interested and kind of excited about the Aleks work, honestly.

Then there is Java. It's supposedly pretty different from any other programming language I've learned so far, but that's ok. One of the girls that tutored me last semester said she actually liked it better. I'm pretty excited to see how it works. I know that they do have tutoring for that so if I get stuck I will definitely reach out for help.

So I feel pretty optimistic about this semester and being able to handle this load even though I've never before taken 5 classes at once in my college life. I'm thinking that at worst Web Design and Tech Writing will not be too strenuous so maybe it'll be like I'm only taking 4 classes. LOL I guess I will find out. All of my teachers seem pretty nice and it was really great being familiar with campus and seeing a lot of people I recognized. It definitely feels better than when I started last semester.

Anyway, I'm off to file down my nails. They are long enough to bother me when I type, so they gotta get shorter. I might even throw some paint down. Who knows?

I hope y'all are doing well. I feel better than I expected to, thank goodness. ❤❤❤

I will post a school update tomorrow.

I will post a school update tomorrow. So far, so good. Will hopefully meet one more professor tomorrow; word around Ayers Hall is that he forgot about our class yesterday. 😂😂😂 Most of us stayed for an hour waiting for him before we gave up. 😂

For now, enjoy this funny photo of Faith. She's my sweet old goofy clown. I 💛💛💛 her nose freckles.

Back to JSU tomorrow.

Back to JSU tomorrow. I'm really hoping for a better semester this time. My only major issue right now is my Psoriatic condition. Aside from my bones aching the cold weather + raw skin = a bad time. To keep warm and keep friction off my legs I'm living in leggings under my clothes. I have to wear them inside - out to keep the seams from hurting me. Needless to say walking isn't my favorite thing at the moment, but I'll have to do plenty of that to get to my classes. Maybe it won't be so bad. I hope not. Sure feels like everything is a huge challenge right now, though. Blegh. 😕

It's been about two weeks since I last posted...

I have about a week left before I start back to school. My last post had an optimistic tone; yet I have done almost nothing but sleep since I wrote it. The only real thing I've managed to do was get through the holidays and Google some stuff. My research has led me to this conclusion:  I am probably in the midst of a mid-life crisis. Hear me out.

At the end of 2014 I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis. It was at that point that I stopped and took a good, hard look at my life. I could see that I was on the down-hill slide (health-wise). I knew I was not living up to my potential. I was stagnate (career-wise). I didn't have any money saved, I had no retirement plans, and if there were any emergencies I didn't have a way to get through them without getting farther behind. So I did something drastic (and thankfully it was positive):  I went back to college.

During 2015 I worked and went to school. I felt as optimistic as I could despite struggling with my physical health. That was the year I couldn't walk up or down stairs by myself. Most of the medications I was put on didn't help - or if they did, left me with pretty bad side effects. Fortunately (or unfortunately, I don't know), by the time I saw a rheumatologist that November my symptoms were under control enough that he didn't want to change my medication. Then I lost my insurance... so you know - that was great.

I started off 2016 uninsured and a little heavier than I was used to being because I'd hurt so much during 2015 that I became much less active. I tried to take it easy on myself, but being in college and around so many young, healthy people... well, even though I've never been one to focus on my looks I gotta say that my self-esteem was starting to take a hit. Not only that, but my hobbies were starting to slip away. I wasn't making jewelry anymore, I was doing my nails less, and I wasn't taking in as many animals. Then, 2016 kicked me while I was down. Dad's house burned, killed his pets, took almost everything he had. I lost Lowrider and Scooter, as well as some of the smaller ani-pals. A pipe burst in my house and it flooded. You know - all that good stuff. Enter antidepressants.

Then 2017 rolled around. Hard classes:  Physics, Calculus II. I questioned so many times if I should keep going because that shit was kicking my ass. Shaun lost his mom. My bones hurt and my skin flared - I suffered through it because I had no insurance and all I could get for medication was methotrexate (whose side effects are worse than my disease). My neighbor stole my power and water - super stressful. I was barely working at that point because school was taking so much out of me, so that was the last damn thing I needed. My nails were a mess - no time for hobbies. Self-care went down the toilet. The only thing I had to look forward to was JSU.

Made that transition - it was harder than I expected. The adjustment from one college to the other was rough. New place, new teachers, and only one person I knew. Classes were tough and took a lot out of me. I left a job I'd worked for 9 years to focus on school - yet another huge transition. Beyonce died. Emma died. Tasha died. I died inside. I melted down at school. I dropped a class. I made my first C. More transition - Shadow moved in with Shaun to gain a little independence and so Kira could have his room. Tragedy struck Kira's family. No self-care; my life was upside down and I was hanging by a thread. I didn't know who I was anymore. Felt like antidepressants couldn't save me now.

So this is where I am right now. I don't look like the Blu I remember. I don't feel like the Blu I remember. I don't work where the Blu I remember worked. I don't do the things that the Blu I remember used to do. Not that I have ever been the most outgoing, but I barely talk to my friends anymore, I don't seem to go anywhere besides school, and I don't do nails or take in animals or give back to the community. Even right now I'd choose cinnamon rolls over chocolate. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost myself. I've lost a lot in the past two years. It sucks.

What's even worse is that more transition is coming. The kids are both having major anxiety and depression over graduating high school in a few months. I generally recall that as being a very happy and exciting time of life, but honestly, none of the seniors at Saks seem pumped. They all seem worried about their future and that is the saddest thing. Shaun and I both constantly reassure Kira and Shadow that they don't have to move out or anything like that - we just want them to make some good life decisions about their futures. Still, they are struggling, too, and it hurts my heart.

So now what? I would LOVE to pretend that I've had enough bad shit happen that I get to be ok in 2018, but realistically I know that is not how life works. Fortunately (unfortunately?) I have a lot left to lose - even though I might have by and large lost sight of that in the midst of everything that has happened.

 
In any case I still don't know when or how I'm going to be ok. I don't know how I'm going to get through this semester with as tired and unmotivated as I've been. I still have no idea who I'm becoming because I'm sure not the person I remember being. I don't really know what to do with myself besides stay the course I started and try to finish school. I would really hate to crap out now that I am more than half-way done, but I am having some serious anxiety about school and about working after I graduate. I don't know. The only hope I have is that from everything I've read after the mid-life crisis (which is where you sort of bottom out), your happiness generally increases until you die so that is something to look forward to.

I'm really sorry for this drawn-out, downer of a post, but I really needed to get this out. As far as I know none of my friends have gone through this yet so I feel pretty alone. I know that I am generally on the young side for this to be happening, but I did have Shadow earlier than most people have kids so it would make sense since my boy is just 3 months shy of being 18. If anyone out there has advice for me feel free to share. Otherwise, I'm planning to step up my self-care a lot and just hang in there. I am going to see a therapist at JSU once classes start back and since I have a big break between some of my classes I'm going to try to take advantage of some of their free fitness classes. I did notice a boost in my overall well-being from having to walk so much so surely it will help if I can get a little more exercise in.

I hope you all are doing well. I'm not, yet, but I'm going to keep trying. That is all any of us can do.  🤎🤎🤎