I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared...

So... I've put myself into a situation where I'm going to be doing the whole "single parent" thing again. It was quite intentional (and necessary), but nonetheless I'm a little scared. It's been a while since I've been completely on my own.

I remember when I first moved out by myself (well, with Shadow). I was like, "Whoa, how the fuck do people DO this??" But I did it and I was ok. Now, it's kind of like that - but different. Whereas before I had nothing - now I have a lot to lose if I don't get things right. Mostly what I'm referring to, I suppose, is my house. It's not the greatest thing ever, but it's home. Even if I do stay caught up on my bills I don't have much left over for repairs. And believe me - there are a lot of them stacking up.

In March I quit working 3 jobs. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I wasn't being treated very nicely and it was so hard to juggle it all. With school starting back soon and no babysitter on call three jobs wouldn't be an option for me right now if I wanted it to. I'm feeling pretty grateful for that, though, seeing as how time off is a lot more valuable to me when I have good friends to spend it with.

Also, I have two cars. Neither of them are running at the moment. Both of my parents are working to help me with them and I greatly appreciate it. I just wish I had something reliable to drive. I think I've been stranded, like, 5 times this month. It never lasts long, but it scares the shit out of me. It's not so great.

I've been thinking a lot about trying to get child support. I never tried to pursue that in all of Shadow's 8 years, but the more I think about it the more I want to. The main two things that have stopped me were: 1) I didn't want to be sued for joint custody or visitation or whatever, and 2) I knew Shadow's father wouldn't hold a job and would probably end up in jail. So, it's been pointed out to me that 1) He calls and I let him talk to Shadow regardless / he's a felon on house arrest anyway so it's not likely that he would be able to get custody, and 2) If he'd been in jail all this time he probably wouldn't have so many other kids running around right now. (Btw, I'm not shit-talking him - he's a really nice guy. Just in trouble a lot).

I'm still on the fence on this one. Maybe I'm too nice. Maybe I'm reaching a point in my life where I'm tired of being nice and getting walked on. For what it's worth, though, he's had plenty of time (8 years!) to get his shit together and "help us" like he's promised to do since Shadow was born and all he does is get into more trouble. I think I'm just really losing patience with this whole "one day" mentality that's floating around me.

So I'm preparing for things to be kind of tight around here. It breaks my heart to think of it, but I might have to re-home some of my pets. Probably definitely the ferrets because their food is so much more expensive than anyone else's. I'm not all that attached to my girl ratties (even though they're not much trouble) - after Hairy and Minuit passed it just hasn't been the same. I hate to admit it, but I've just not been able to get close to them. I've got a bunch of cages and stuff that I'll probably post up on Craigslist or something... if I don't get them out of my house I know I'll be tempted to fill them again. No harm in removing them and making a few bucks, right?

You know, I have a really awesome job and it's not like I'm broke as fuck... I think I'm just starting to freak out a little because I won't have anyone to fall back on. Just me to blame if shit doesn't go as planned. While I'm really looking forward to the near future - I'm nervous. I haven't been "on my own" in probably pushing 3 years. I guess it's time to buckle down and see if I'm still as resilient as I used to be. I sure as hell hope so.

I want:

to dance until I can't move another muscle.

to fuck until I'm spent.

to run until there's nowhere left to go.

to scream until my voice is gone.

to fight and to bleed.

to play and smile and laugh.

things I cannot have. So don't mind me. I'm just going to hide out and cry and then tell myself that I'm ok. Because I will be. I'm so close. It's just out of reach. I've just gotta let this moment pass.

I feel...

like a kid again.

AND I LOVE IT.

hanging out until morning comes

sunrise on the porch

more smiles and laughter than I can ever remember

changes I finally have the courage to make

movies that even Shadow can watch

friends who are not bothered by my dogs

having my head petted

did I mention the smiles?

I seriously haven't felt so light-hearted in like, 9 years. Thanks to the 3 bestest pals in the whole wide world.

Rest In Peace, Toad

Sweet little Toad - you were Shadow's baby. I think the only reason he's not completely freaking out right now is because he's known for a while that you were sick. He's been preparing for this for a while because you are a fighter. You held on longer than any of us thought you would and it was pretty amazing.

The look on his face was so sad when I broke the news. He had to pet your little head one last time. I wish you hadn't had to leave us, but I'm sure your little tumor made you very uncomfortable. If you had been younger and in better shape I would have totally found a way to have that removed, I swear. Thank you for being so sweet to him. He really loved you. We all did.

Blu angry!

Last night we let our dogs out to play in our FENCED IN YARD that me and 3 GREAT friends busted our arses putting up about two weeks ago. It's been AWESOME. It's been so awesome that I haven't even wanted to come inside to blog about how awesome it is. I'd just rather hang out all day in my yard WITH MY DOGS.

So anyway - yesterday evening. Nick found a hole in the fence and the neighbors dog in our yard. He shooed him out, but when he came back he was chewing on the hole. So yeah. The neighbors weenie dog has chewed a Scruffy-sized hole in the fence. Imagine how angry I am! That is all I've wanted for like, the entire two fucking years I've lived here! And now it's fucked up in just two weeks!

I went over and talked to the neighbor. She said that she would keep her dog on a leash if he's outside. Later that night I'm on my porch talking to a friend and the dog barks at me. Of course. Then she comes out calling him to come in. This happened several times throughout the course of the night. Yeah, he was so on a leash all that time, right? Well guess what. There's ANOTHER fucking hole in my fence!

I'm so angry. One hole - oh well - I'll patch it up somehow and life will go on. Two holes after you say you're going to do something and don't... well, that's pushing me a little farther than I'm prepared to be nice about at the moment. I will be going back over there when I get home this afternoon and I will be nice. But if something doesn't change I will calling the authorities to find out if there are any leash laws, which they are clearly breaking. And I will look into taking this to small claims. I'm not about to have my happy place destroyed by someone else's irresponsibility.

Sometimes I forget...

Sometimes I forget that I am still a mom.  Not like I forget that I have a son, but you know... the newness of him has rubbed off after 8 years.  It's not like he's a baby who needs every little thing done for him anymore.  He's just one of us now.  Thinking to myself earlier, "I am a mother" seemed so odd.  I know that it's true, but I became a mother so long ago it feels like.

I don't mean any of this in a negative way... and I can promise you it's not that I'm losing my "mother's instinct" or whatever.  Believe me - I'd rip your fucking face off for messing with my kid.  It's just weird after all of this time... and different.  We're just growing up.  Shadow's growing up.  We're growing...

When you're pregnant - everything's changing.  Everything about you.  Your body, your mind.  You can feel it happening and it's neat.  You know that something big is about to happen and you try to prepare for it, but you never can.  I don't care how much your try - you learn more as you go.  And that's ok.  Experience is a great teacher.  I knew nothing about kids when I had Shadow and he's awesome, so...

I remember when Shadow was in my belly... he was fucking ALIVE in there.  I don't think that people realize how INCREDIBLY AWESOME AND AMAZING that really is anymore.  People are just fucking baby factories... I doubt that anyone cherishes the experience of being pregnant.  Hell, I can't even really put it into words (the way I feel about it).  The absolute best part was feeling him move and later seeing it.  It was crazy.  He'd respond to sounds - particularly, he'd jump at sharp noises.  IN MY BELLY.  I still feel like "Whoa" just thinking about it.  😲

Anyway, I don't know.  Pregnancy was a nice experience for me.  I have absolutely no plans to do it again, but I look back at it fondly.  Even the barfing.  I HATE barfing, but I knew it was for a good cause.  They say that if you're nauseated you've got high levels of some hormone that means your baby is developing normally... so you know, bring it on.  I'll barf day and night for 6 months straight for the well-being of my kid.  I totally did that.

Yeah, this seems pretty random.  You know what brought it to my mind?  This morning when I ate the last of the cereal I offered Shadow a glass of Vanilla Carnation Instant Breakfast.  He LOVED it.  I'll have to admit that that stuff is pretty yummy.  Know how I know?  Because when I was pregnant with him my nutritionist told me to drink at least a glass of that every day for the calories.  I was pretty tiny for a pregnant chick - due to barfing non-stop I was having a hard time keeping my weight up.

So... how's that for a rambly post?  😂  Those were just the thoughts kicking around in my head...

I like these photos...

I like this photo even though it's a failed attempt at capturing my swolled-up lip.

BEST SWOLLED-UP LIP EVER. ❤ 2008

Summer 2008