Well... it's been a long night... mostly because I haven't been to sleep yet. 🙁

Well... it's been a long night... mostly because I haven't been to sleep yet. 🙁 I've spent the night studying and cleaning up the water in the dog room. I've got the dehumidifier going, but the whole house smells weird. Blegh.

It got so late on me that I was afraid if I went to sleep I wouldn't wake up in time for class. If that happened I would miss my lab practicum and also not be able to turn in my take-home test - and that would be terrible. So... I'm awake and this day is going to be great. 😕

On the bright side if I make it through this day I will crash tonight and hopefully have my schedule back to normal. It has been really messed up since Friday. Maybe utter exhaustion will do the trick.

I think this is why she's not eating.

I think this is why she's not eating. Seems soon, but she was eating like a horse for a while there.

I wish I could just blow raspberries on that cute little tummy! ❤️❤️❤️

Oh yay.

Oh yay.  While I was busy working on my take-home test, my dog room flooded during the downpour.

I sort-of tried having a normal day today.

I sort-of tried having a normal day today.  Missed my early tutoring because I didn't sleep enough, but made it for the later sessions.  I feel like crap and I smell bad and I need and want a shower and I'm hungry and sad.  I just ate too many lemon cookies because it was easy and I don't feel so great about that.

I have a take-home test to complete for Biology.  It's due tomorrow and I'm like, 10 questions out of 100 done.  I also need to study for my Lab Practicum that is also tomorrow, but it's already 6 and I have so much to do.

On the bright side I just got 14 ink pens in the mail from Amazon and some nursing bras.  Nope, not nursing and not pregnant, but my ta-tas have been killing me (to the point of keeping me awake and no, Tylenol and the like doesn't touch it).  This has been going on for months.  🙁  I just need to be able to wear something that doesn't cause immense pain and nursers are the softest ever.

On the ink pens - I have tons of pens because I collect writing utensils.  A waitress recently had a pink one like the ones I ordered, but why buy one when I can have ALL THE COLORS?  EVEN BROWN!!!  I know that seems ridiculous, (and it totally is), but sometimes buying shit feels good.  So.  I did that and I don't care.

Anyway.  I guess I'm off to do something, anything, that I need to do.  I don't know what yet, but definitely probably something.

I guess this came out a million years ago, but...

I guess this came out a million years ago, but it's been one of my favorite songs since I heard it.  I always listen to this when I'm not so ok.  It soothes me.

I went on the porch maybe an hour ago?

I went on the porch maybe an hour ago?  And I walked into a spider web.  Whatever.

Well my hair was tickling just now, so I brushed my hand over it and a spider fell out onto my clothes.  I'm about to take him back outside.  We're cool.  But what is it with me and having spiders in my hair?  This is not the first time.  LOL

Maybe they just know that I like them.  😃

I woke up maybe an hour ago...

I woke up maybe an hour ago, which for me on a weekend is great.  But I didn't sleep well despite being exhausted.  I can't seem to shut my brain off, kind of ever.  🙁

If I'm watching TV on the couch or something I can get drowsy and nap.  Too bad I don't sleep well on the couch.  🙁  If I actually get ready and put myself in bed, even if I'm exhausted my brain will go some really dark places since I have no distractions and I will not sleep.  If I dare get on my phone and surf the internet as a distraction the screen will wake me up and I will just be awake.  Surfing the internet is more active than passive, anyway.

I might need some bedtime stories saved to my phone.  Or something.  I don't know.  But pretty much every night since it happened I have thought about Lowrider and all of my regrets with how I handled the end of her life.  And now I worry that I let Scooter hurt for too long - maybe his random barking wasn't so random.  🙁  He started throwing up on Tuesday.  I prolonged his pain and / or discomfort until SATURDAY because I was hopeful that his nausea meds would help.  Hope is a terrible thing to have sometimes.  If it wasn't for that I would have let them both go sooner and spared them some pain.

I just want to be dead so I can rest and never hurt anyone I love again.