I was on here earlier and I had to get off.

I was on here earlier and I had to get off.  I felt overwhelmed.  I'm very happy to see so many people - especially white ones - sharing and caring and standing up for our black brothers and sisters.  But there is unfortunately the other side to that coin and it is ugly and ignorant.  I haven't in years had the mental energy to fight people on the internet the way I used to (yay for sketchy mental health), but I did talk to someone who I thought could be reasoned with.  He stopped replying so either he's thinking or just turning a blind eye to my replies.  In any event - I gave what I could today.

I'm only back because I want to post about my animals because it makes me happy to talk about them.  Shaun and I revamped Tort Baby's house the other day.  I also clipped his nails.  He didn't seem phased by it, but they ended up super sharp so I'm going to see about using the Dremel on him in the next few days.  We also changed out Bruce's (ball python) bedding and spent a little bit of time with him.  He's as sweet as ever.  I'm planning to spend a good bit more time with the reptiles now that I'm dogless.  I honestly feel very lonely.  Cats just aren't the same.

More on that:  Yes, we have two dogs outside (Cubba and Rose).  I guess we aren't technically dogless as a household, but neither of them were meant to be MY dogs and I never bonded with them like I did my pack.  I'm not saying that I won't ever, but I'm definitely not ready yet.  I don't think I'll be fostering or planning to get another forever dog until we can do better by Cubba and Rose.  That isn't fair to them.  I've trained Cubba before and he's smart as hell so I know he could be an inside dog, but Rose is a whole 'nother story.  She's wild and we never spent any time with her.  She is Cubba's dog.  😂😂😂  I legit got her so he wouldn't be lonely and escape the fence.  I'm aware that's shitty but she needed a place to go and we had a purpose for her and a safe space, so it is what happened.  I don't think it makes her untrainable, though.  She will just be WORK.

Aside from that we got a fountain for the cats.  You would think they've never had water with as much as they drank yesterday.  Needless to say, it's a hit.  We like it, too.  It's quiet, it's clear so we can see when it needs to be cleaned or refilled, and it's got two levels so more than one cat can drink at the same time.  And so far, no one has stuck their feet in it - THANK GOODNESS.

Since I no longer have a buddy to share my bedroom with I have more floor space since the trundle isn't pulled out.  I'm still really sad about my dogs.  The timing of their deaths was so close together that I still worry it was something I did or something in my bedroom.  It just doesn't make sense, though.  But anyway, I've put a bit of work into my room over the last few days and I think I finally have enough space to bust out my yoga mat.  I've never done yoga at home but I won't be going to the gym anytime soon, so I'm making my space as nourishing to my mind and body as I can.  It's beautiful with plants and light.  It's warm, cozy, and colorful.  It'll make a great office space when I get a job.  I don't know; I'm just happy with it and wanted to say so.

I guess I'm off.  I hope you all are staying safe and doing well.  Please don't be racist.  I love you.

Yesterday was rough for a few reasons.

Yesterday was rough for a few reasons.  Obviously I am still in mourning; not just the loss of Booka, but the end of a wonderful chapter in my life.  But there is more.  The endless murder of black people by those who are sworn to protect and serve weighs heavily on me.  The story of George Floyd broke my heart.  Shaun and I had a tearful conversation last night - not only as parents of mixed-race children but as two human beings who feel helpless to fix the systemic racism that permeates America.

I don't usually feel the need to talk about these things because I (possibly incorrectly) assumed that anyone who knows me knows where I stand (and I kind of thought I'd be preaching to the choir, anyway).  I tend to lean more towards letting my actions speak louder than my words; I've never been one to just vent anger without searching for solutions or actively trying to help.  The way I see it is that if you don't like something, work to change it or shut the hell up.  I like to see things improve and that does not happen with empty words and no action.

Story time:

When I was in high school I was in drumline.  The section leaders were two black guys.  I freaking ADORED them.  They were great drummers, funny guys, and made band my favorite part of the day.  Even after we'd done our lessons and had free time in the class the whole drumline would sit together in the back of the room and work on cadences or improvise songs together.  One that I will never forget is "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid.  😂😂😂  Needless to say - when I came home from school I would talk about band nonstop.  It got to the point where my dad was suspicious that I liked these guys as more than friends.  Mom had a talk with me and I started being more guarded with what I talked about because I didn't want to risk being pulled out of band.

At some point in high school I had my first serious boyfriend.  He was Puerto Rican.  I did get racist comments from classmates, but somehow my family was more ok with him because he wasn't black (not that anyone was thrilled he wasn't white).  I cared a lot for this guy.  I loved his family.  This was my first exposure to anyone who wasn't black or white and I thoroughly enjoyed my time spent with him and his family.  Like most teenage relationships it eventually ended but I have a lot of good memories from that time in my life.

Later on I met the guy who is the father of my child.  For those who don't know - he's black.  If I thought the racism I experienced while with a Puerto Rican guy was bad then I had no idea what was to come.  I've been called all kinds of slurs.  I've been told that black people are an entirely different species.  I had one old white lady repeatedly beg to buy my unborn child because "our lives would be hard because he's black."  Hearing the racist things that have happened to my child over the years has torn my heart to pieces.  So while I'm day-glow white I do have some small idea what racism feels like.

What I also know is that I have privilege due to my skin color.  If you are white or can pass as white then you have it, too.  Here's a story my mom used to tell me of a city she visited back in the 70s.  Whites and blacks had to shop on opposite sides of the streets in this backwards place that hadn't fully accepted integration.  She, being an open-minded rebel, would sometimes shop on the black side of the street.  She got a lot of looks, but that was all.  So finally one day I asked her what would happen if a black person had tried to shop on the white side.  She said she didn't know and I said "It probably would be worse than getting a side-eye" and she agreed. I think that was the moment privilege clicked for her.

I guess it might not be easy to see or understand your privilege if you don't actually LOVE someone who is black, but as parents of mixed kids we see it as clear as day.  When Shadow was still just a tween I panicked every time he asked to walk down the street to a friend's house.  Shaun and I still worry about him being pulled over - despite the talks we've had about what he should do if it happens.  Shadow and Kira have experienced racism just going to Wal-Mart for groceries.  Any of you parents of white kids ever have your teens come home - clearly shaken - because of some rednecks following them around and making racist comments?  I doubt it.

I have written all of this to say:  BLACK LIVES MATTER.  They sure matter a whole hell of a lot to us.  We empathize with the fear and rage that the black community experiences when another black person is killed in a situation where a white person would have survived.  It is not fair and it is not ok.  I agree with peaceful protests, but when the nation refuses to listen to that what choice is left but to escalate?  If my child had been killed like George Floyd or any of the others who came before him - make no mistake - I'd riot, too.

I know that we as a family are not perfect at battling systemic racism, but Shaun and I try.  We absolutely care.  I have policed the police and will continue to do it.  We point out racism and privilege when we see it.  We mourn every time a situation like this happens.  And we are open to suggestions for other ways we can improve.

Stay safe and love one another, friends.  We MUST do better.  ❤

Yesterday was pretty good.

Yesterday was pretty good.  We still haven't been eating out as a general rule, but Shaun and I decided to get curbside pickup from IHOP and invite the kids over for family dinner since we're all still reeling from losing Booka.

I don't want to get too sidetracked on pandemic stuff, but IHOP doesn't have designated areas to park for curbside pickup so you have to call when you arrive.  Shaun called and the hostess was like "Do you want me to bring it out?"  We just looked at each other like "What does she think curbside means?"  We watched a flock of elderly people leave IHOP - none of whom were wearing masks.  The hostess did bring out our order, but of course she pulled her mask down to speak to us.  So... we're just going to continue staying in because that whole experience was nothing short of disappointing.

Anyway, seeing the kids was great.  My heart needed some happy.  We ate and hung out.  We watched a movie and some episodes of our shows.  Shadow played with the cats and talked hair and games with Shaun.  Kira thought she didn't like grapefruit but it turns out that she just hadn't had a fresh one (only some from a package).  She showed us new music and they both told us how things were going at the apartment.  Somehow ended up watching a ton of DIE ANTWOORD videos.  We promised to take Kira to see them if they tour around here again (she wasn't in our lives yet when we saw them before).  I got to hear how my Gramkitty Leon is doing.  Good times.

Today, though - I struggled to even get out of bed.  My chest feels heavy and sad.  There are some things I need to do and have been meaning to do around here, but I'm not sure I have the motivation.  I did start some laundry so I guess that's something.  I know that it's going to sound so dumb, but I feel empty without a dog.  We have 10 cats plus some of the most sociable reptiles I've ever met... I don't want to say that they are not enough, but it's definitely not the same.  I don't know.  Maybe once my heart heals I'll be ok, but for now I just feel really off.

Well, I guess I'm done.  I just wanted to write my feelings.  I hope you all are doing well.  ❤

If I meets it, I eats it by The Herpetology Collective

The Worst Cat.

It's pouring rain outside - very noticeably.

It's pouring rain outside - very noticeably. I got the message below from Kira out of nowhere. 

I haven't laughed so hard in days. I love this goof more than words can say. 💗💗💗

I haven't seen the kids in a few days and I miss them so much. I know they are mourning the loss of Booka, too. These are hard times, but we'll all be ok because we have each other. ❤️

I didn't go to bed...

I didn't go to bed until around 4 this morning.  I intentionally stayed up until I just couldn't because I didn't want to go to "our" room alone.  (I sleep in a loft with a trundle that rolls out on the floor - that was my doggie bed.)  I didn't want to sleep in a quiet room without my little buddy snoring.  I didn't want to lie there and not hear him rolling in his blankets, "making his bed."  So I stayed up until I was exhausted, took some Melatonin, and crashed hard and fast.

I didn't get out of bed until 3 pm.  Shaun came to check on me and said he'd like to see me.  I told him I would get up, but laid there for a bit.  I guess I took too long because Scar came meowing for me.  I finally got up.  I had no one to wake up.  No to ask if they wanted to go outside.  No one in "our" room.

Scar was underfoot.  That's his thing lately.  I picked him up and he purred and dug his claws into my shoulder.  I hugged him and petted him.  I sat awkwardly on the couch, knowing damn well this is not what my mornings are supposed to feel like.  I went outside.  Stood on the porch awkwardly.  I knew I was supposed to be out there, but now I have no reason to be.  I checked the mail and came back inside.  I cleaned a little bit, read your sweet comments to me, and cried.

Here is a video of my boy getting ready for bed a few nights ago.  He did this every night and it was honestly one of my favorite things ever.

https://www.facebook.com/100001265763733/videos/3181705128548315/