Two things:

Two things:

1. This is not a public post, so discretion is appreciated.
2. I am not ok and I definitely need advice if you have it.

I will try to keep this short, but we'll see if I can manage it.

Some of you may remember me saying that FIL was hospitalized last week (I think it was last week; I honestly have no concept of time lately, thank you depression).  He got home late last week and called us to come and see him on Saturday.  He knows we've not gone anywhere except for necessary places since March, but this sounded pretty serious, so we donned gloves and masks and went.

He told us that he has 10% heart function and there is nothing else that can be done for him.  (He's 81 and has had heart attacks and surgeries and procedures since he was in his forties, I guess).  He then showed Shaun what he wanted to be buried in and where his will was.  He was very emotional and it sounded pretty grim.  I'm guessing that he was close to dying when he went to the hospital and that scared him.

He told us we need to visit him every few days now.  He says he tested negative for COVID at the hospital, which is nice; HOWEVER, he's also resumed going to church (no masks required), having visitors over (I doubt they're wearing masks), stopped for food on the way home from the hospital, is going into Wal-Mart for groceries even though we offered to pick them up for him, AND forgot his mask and went in the pharmacy the other day rather than being patient and going through the drive-thru.  He says he's being careful, but his recount of his actions say otherwise.

If visiting FIL was stressful and anxiety-inducing before the pandemic (Shaun's pretty much the black sheep of the family), then doing it now is like, I don't even have the words.  We both come home with stress headaches from trying to stay vigilant about what is safe.  FIL doesn't make it easy.  He wants us to "try this watermelon" (we'd have to take off our masks) or "come look at this map" (getting closer to him than 6 feet away) and of course, we hug him goodbye.

I am torn between feeling selfish for not wanting us to catch COVID from him and how to be good to him and respect his wishes in what, I'm guessing he in a roundabout sort of way is trying to tell us are his last days?  I don't even know.  How long can a person live in his condition?  If it's so bad, why did he refuse to let us get him groceries so that he doesn't have to do the work or expose himself to COVID?  Why won't he let one or both of us stay out there just in case?  We offered and would have been glad to do it.  I just don't understand what is happening, but I know that Shaun and I can't do this for long.  Our mental health isn't going to allow it.

My antidepressants are failing me and this extra stress has just about put me down.  I slept for 19 of the past 24 hours.  I am not ok and I am so grateful that I have an appointment with the doctor soon.  I'm already thinking about dropping my Spanish class because I don't see how I'm going to be able to keep up with 2 classes when my full-time job seems to be depression sleeping.  I just really need help.  I don't know what to do.

Two Things:

Two Things:

1. Differential Equations was great. I am legit giddy. 😁
2. Why is this cat so cute? 😍😍😍😭😭😭

Despite how hard it's been to function recently...

Despite how hard it's been to function recently I'm pretty excited about starting classes tomorrow.  I can't believe I've made it to my final semester.  I have worked so hard for this; not comprehending up until about a year ago that I was actually going to finish school and change my life.  At some point, the "if I graduate" in my mind finally became "when I graduate," but I want you to know that the struggle to get there was real.  For the longest time I could not believe that this was for me.  I honestly don't know that I ever would have started college if my health hadn't kicked me in the ass.

At 32 when I was barely able to walk due to psoriatic arthritis, couldn't afford insurance, covered in psoriasis, and mental health hanging by a thread, a doctor told me to eliminate stress (it triggers psoriatic disease and depression).  I'm a pretty chill type of person, but raising a child by myself for years while living paycheck to paycheck had taken its toll on me.  I'd been working 2-3 jobs to try to make ends meet, the whole while feeling like a failure as a parent due to my son caring for himself so much.  I was not ok.  

Fortunately, most of my problems were financial.  My doctor told me that I seemed intelligent and to go to college.  He said that if I wanted it bad enough I could change my life.  That was November 2014.  January 2015 I started classes and haven't taken a single semester off.

I have honestly enjoyed my time as a student.  It has been extremely stressful at times, but honestly aside from the anxiety that I won't make it, it hasn't been worse than being poor and unhealthy - just different.  At least this kind of stress is due to me wanting something in life and trying to accomplish it.  I am hoping that after I graduate and find a job I can settle into a new normal - a less stressful normal, with health insurance for all of us and a career to look forward to.  I am grateful for my time in school and all that I have learned, but I am excited to see what the future holds.  I really want to see if all of this work paid off.

On that note I'm off to water a few thirsty succulents, shower, and get my notebook prepped for tomorrow.  Differential Equations and Beginner Spanish I:  I'm ready!  😃

I have a doctor appointment next week...

Because I'm tired of the things I share disappearing...

Because I'm tired of the things I share disappearing I'm copying and pasting, too:

Wanna know why there’s no media outrage for the white child murdered by that black dude?

Because there was literally no issue with serving him justice. Man was put in jail just like that.

If the man wasn’t put in jail you’d see an outrage.

Let that child Rest In Peace and stop using him to be racist.

#FalseEquivalence

Edit:  For those who just can’t understand anything at all:  I never told you that YOU shouldn’t be angry.

This is why my family is and has been staying to ourselves since March.

This is why my family is and has been staying to ourselves since March. We have been perhaps what you'd call "extremely" cautious, but for us it is absolutely NOT worth the risk. I know a lot of people who say that they have been careful, but have visited friends and family, traveled, eaten out, attended gatherings... That's just not how I define careful.

To be honest, I really don't mind masking and keeping distant. I hate smelling other people's breath and I hate being breathed on (regardless of how good or bad your breath is). Everyone can stay 6 feet away from me forever. 😂😂😂

So, Balthazar just bit through my fingernail.

TRIGGER WARNING:  Blood
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So, Balthazar just bit through my fingernail. It hurts, a lot, but the popping sound it made when it happened was nauseating. Maybe he agrees on that last bit because he ran and barfed right after.

He's normally a nibbly cat. This time, he chomped. 😳😦 RUDE.